Caller: Caregiving for my Alcoholic Father

Billet Indiana good morning are you feeling pretty good. Good morning. Well what's what's currently well it I'm trying to make us the shortest possible to be 52 next month and my dad who was 75 and I've had a tumultuous relationship.

My whole entire life. I was pretty young when I was been diagnosed is what everybody calls OCD.

Now, and it was in response to his alcoholism in the way he treated my mom and Annette, Stefan and I found it. I'm not the only person that that deals with trying to be perfect so that you don't get yelled at and it's been this way. Like I said, multi-life and about a year ago I decided I was done dealing with him.

I just couldn't take it anymore from him call me at work to great and Alyssa Holland doing the demand note about all we get a ticket. We get to click heartbreak will be right.

They don't know go because you this is a critically important topic of going okay. I will I this is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver.

This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver in whatever impairment your stand between the doesn't have to be Alzheimer's, be alcoholism used in between that worst disaster the caregiver I would show a dating body nine 8840 will be right show for caregivers about ticket was hosted by caregiver. This is hope for the caregiver on American family radio. I am Peter Rosenberger.

Three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy take care of someone who is not. 888-589-8840 is the number if you will be a part of the show or talk with Bill, who has grown up in the home of them when alcoholic father who was in it. Now you have the care form. Is that right Bill yahoo this one little other probative story about a year ago I just finally decided after that calls at work in and be in a drunken state, and the things he would say accuse me about that.and I talked into the couple times and then this last July he fell and hit his head and but he was completely inebriated when he fell. So he went to the hospital. They kinda ran through my camping. The medicine I gave them to help them through withdrawals and everything and when he came out he has not. He can't swallow very well as the swallowing mechanism is not working and Stephanie swallow gets into his lungs. Without it take to and I had really pragmatic, fantastic life, great church and I had prayed you. Maybe I need to stay with dad he finally got to come home from the nursing home is not woman or should not see from the middle of July till the middle of October and it still dealing you know it's it's his house. It's almost like I'm nine years old again and he can he can take care of himself somewhat but he scared to be by himself and there is so much that this happen in life and I'm always afraid to confront him about because it is like offenders like I'm nine years old 10 years old and I just looking for anything advise the book something to help me do not fear I may get up over the spirit talk to him and say hey you know the reason you driven your two wives away in your family ways because of the other Jekyll and Hyde deal with your alcoholism. We need to call what it is and and I I just can't take me in and obliterated anymore I guess is the next let's start right there� That's our starting points. The first step is to get you away from being nine years old, 52, so you not nine years old and you are not in any way bound to this this man's disease and his behavior. Unfortunately this test with this disease does it disorient you and makes you think that you are so we want to help you detach from that is best as possible. There places you go for that Al-Anon is I would highly recommend you go into an Al-Anon meeting.

Are you familiar with Al-Anon. I'd heard of it, that that the auger ever. Ironically, until we don't know go there with any expectations other than there's a group of people who were dealing with the same stuff that meet in anonymity and they deal with the same things that you're dealing with with the family member who has an addiction issue and you can hear your story come out of somebody else's mouth and that's where you start because the principles that you can learn that will help you detach from your father's disease you know that I can't shame your father or argue your father reason with your father into recovery he's gonna do that himself. What you can do is learn for you to live more healthily in this and and that's the go, you didn't.

You didn't cause this. You can't fix it okay that that that that's where your your power. Stop at the at the end of what you can do and all you can do is be in control of Bill not in control of your father or his recovery or his demise may not make it. Bill but you have to get you got a family discounting on you to not be nine years old to be 52 years old your fathers made his choices. He's got his life.

He's got his thing going on, he's in a place number. People are starting to see what is happened to him. He may not make it, but you have to it. And those are hard words. Those are hard words Bill and I don't mean them to be anything other than what they are because it's blunt force truth, but that's sometimes that's what we as caregivers need in the midst of her craziness is that blunt force truth. You have spent a lifetime being a slave to your father's disease and it will, it will affect you for the rest your life and your children so this is your time now to step in to this and say you know what, no more no more. I'm going to go on a path of recovery for myself, no matter what happens to my father did the best I can to care for, but I am not obligated to fix him to save him. He has a Savior look at the what. Here's what I do look down at your hands if you don't see nail prints this eight years to fix.

You know you know he has a Savior. You ain't that Savior and and that's that. Your starting point real is okay. What is my responsibility honoring your father does not mean honoring his disease. You can honor your father without honoring his disease and it's hard because it looks like it's the same person but it is not underneath all this dysfunction is your dad the menu one honor and you can but you do not have to honor alcoholism. What you have to do is back away from that so that you can be healthy no matter what he's doing when you go home to your wife and your kids after being with your dad.

They don't need to have a nine-year-old walk in the house right beside my my wife is fantastic.

You've been so supportive. She's always been supportive of this and she knows how hard it's been, and I just it's been this last few months really hard trying to figure out where I draw the line and I get to be maybe the second part of this question is as far as just confronting him and Santino bad. Here's the deal. Here's the whole situation is that something should come point. Should that come to the can, but not right now, not right now. You not in the place where your you you have the vocabulary or the strength to do that on your own. You can get there and that's why working a good recovery program for yourself is going to help. That's why you go go to Al-Anon go to the usually have a means they means everywhere you score the website if they're everywhere and no, it is the is the best hour you'll ever spend. And it's not necessarily because your dad's an alcoholic that you go in because you can go to Al-Anon for anything, you know, if you just go if you if you're dealing with something you can't control and you're struggling with that.

That's a place because that's what the whole point is is to learn how to come to grips with this sitdown with your pastor said that with a counselor I would recommend getting the counselor involved with you at this point Bill and just come down and lay this out because that's what they do. There are lots of resources out there that you can go to that that will take that will strengthen you and give you the vocabulary of do this you don't have the tool built right now you know it beeped to be basically like you going out there trying to build something with with only a screwdriver just don't know I don't have really good tabular and so but but you know what world to pull together with you and help you get the vocabulary and you can do this and your family will have the vocabulary and they'll know how to minister to you and know what's going on with you and you and your wife will be able to be able to that ship should be able to better understand what's going on with you and why that nine-year-old kid seems to emerge all the time in the face of this in your and your children with the same weight this. This is there is a recovery path for you on this.

That's work, but you're not afraid to work and it's good it's it's good work Bill. It's it's it's a way of you reclaiming that which was stolen from you by this terrible disease. This disease has more than one victim and and you can move through this and that this is this is what God can and will do through your life when you trust with this that is coming your learning at a different set of skills and in words and so forth. That's okay. But know this thing will it will disorient you.

It will take you down to some dark places and in you've Artie been there. You're not responsible for your dad's destruction, you're just not, he's a grown man who's made his own grown man decisions and at some point you can see where God keep God's even interested in him and helping him get to a place of recovery to God is and abandoned them right but but but but but alcoholic you've got it all, but you gotta step away from this and let them spiral out of control until they get to the point where they want help more than they want alcohol and you also have to understand this bill. Alcohol is not his problem that his idea of medication right whatever's going on in him.

He's numbing that with alcohol and and now the alcohol is taken over, but but the even if he stopped drinking today, even if the if you get sobered up and never drinks another drop for the rest of his life he still got a deal with the inner turmoil of what was going on in his life that led him to that place. So this is a long, long, long journey that he may or may not be able to make. Now these in physical bad situation here so your your challenges is to detach from this so that not not sever it.

Just attach so that you are focused on the healthiest bill that you can be okay that that's that that's the goal. And and and for you and your family that this thing stops now for your children say for your wife's sake, for your sake that that certainly does and there's been many times I felt like I'm just a whirlwind of not knowing what to do. Another is no way to talk to him about get upset I thought my driving and heard your show. I thought you know you can have some have an idea what I should do next because I can't. I can't seem to theater light at the end of the tunnel. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk will bill this is why would you want to do the show and out and I'm preaching to myself here because take some real quick that he got a go but I can't argue with my wife's amputation. Legs are gone. I can't argue with that.

I can't reason that I have to accept that it may not like it just have to accept it.

Acceptance is not agreement is just except it's okay this is the reality reality is your father's an alcoholic and he has taking everybody. He's that's in his orbit into a bad place with that's acceptance. We don't like it would not agree with. But we do have to accept it in order for us to be able to say okay here's it is what it is that let's get to a place of safety. He may not make a kite, but you have to bill. Please keep us in the show and feel free to call anytime. Artie, thank you so much appreciate your quite welcome bill. Thank you so much. 888-589-8840. This is hope for the caregiver and this is part of what we do here is is understand that that this is not about nursing homes, folks, this is not about learning how to caregiver. I'm not here to tell anybody how to cure gift.

I'm here to to help point, my fellow caregivers and myself to a place of safety. We can live a calm healthier and here I say the more joyful life. No matter what's going on around that's the whole .880 589-8840 will be right back with more because this is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver were glad you with this. Hopefully caregiver.com you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you. I'm Gracie Rosenberger in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading 80 surgeries in both legs and became it. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time I questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis. We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in Tennessee prison.

We also recycle parts from donated lambs all � is to point others to Christ. The source and my help and strength these visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others@thatstandingwithout.com. I'm Gracie.

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