Caller Struggling With Resentment About Caring for Mother.

What about you show for caregivers about. It was hosted by a caregiver. We use gloves with his 800-688-8522 85 was go to will in Ohio will partner you will II years and I met you. Right now I got to go to church. I run a couple errands I got trash on and I guess I was just trying to find out. I showed you like a retirement community much on apartments.but she runs into issues like I'm starting to go a week due to very different issues you had strokes in the past. I guess I was kind of inquiring like morning the one child don't have to stop stepping in when you start Windows one have to like me and I don't that's a moving target because it depends on the individual goods what's going on pencil and how dangerous some things are for them how incapacitated they become. Or not. Does she see her doctor regularly. Yet with Dr. Singh and ongoing like all one of the bigger things you have. Like neuropathy was that.Dr. Singh I not gotten every update okay start with you position and see what's going on and then have a conversation with your mother is your mother cognitively impaired in any way tomorrow okay.

No age is no cure for these things. Ages only go make it worse so you know it's not to get better on its own. So you need to set up some things that some checkpoints of okay what what would we do with this. That situation happens and so forth just kind of be observant.

Just watch and observe. Look for ways to make it a little bit easier for her to be independent while she's where she is and technologies a great source for that. There's there's a medical alert stuff that you can have there's all kinds of of apps on your phone that you can get when they got all kinds of tech right now for those kinds of things that you can supplement observing and caring for your brother without invading your privacy but at the same time ensuring that she has a pair of eyes on her, even if their pair of artificial eyes through technology.

Have you make sure that she has good handrails within that the place she's living out of there, throw rugs that could be a trip or fall hazard. She have good lighting and handrail and not good handrail in her bathroom okay what about the rest place. You don't have any handrails there stairs in the rest of her home now wanted one report I would about throw rugs. I think it primarily just one big wall carpet good lighting get good lighting in the house so she could see clearly. Yeah there are things you can do just to ensure that she's safe and well cared for and what about that that have you look through the pantry into the the refrigerator.

Make sure things are getting older, like, you know, the expiration dates on on canned goods and things such as that just little things that you can do just can't do it in a circle around just checking in to make sure things okay just maintenance of the water heater working okay. Get all those kinds of things are things that you can do that doesn't require a lot of angst on your part that you don't ring your hand over and and and sweat bullets over you just issues maintenance of things and air conditioning unit.

All those kinds of things making sure that she doesn't have all kinds of apps or our bills that are piling up that nobody knows that little charges on her phone bill or little charges here and there, stuff like that, you know, though those are simple things we can do that have a huge impact and in the process is are you going to church. Are you engage with people who have, you are dealing with these can think of who speaking life to you I is really iconoclasm fraternity brothers that right guy looking after their why they they have like other wives. For example, have some health issues rather, the primary caretaker or their wives.

The underground like some kind of your back surgery or something like that or at night speaking life to you. I don't think I'm really getting that particular uniting of is when my mom if mom mom will pass away. Most likely, before me by. You can count on it. Given the fact that age equivalent parent pathway at before their kid around. I know that I will let me cut through all this will disable because through all this because I got the calls will try to squeeze into before the break of do you want to take care your mom. I'm not sure I can.

I did ask if you want to and not necessarily my top priority line but I want to help her get. I I'm not sure what to do. I'm I'm kind of like when I'm not asking what to do.

I'm not asking how to do it.

I'm asking do you do you want to do it. I want to make sure she looked after it you that you not answer my question will will do you want to take care about at a point where I'm at Crawford. I don't know what I resent having to do it working that the resources I do it and be done because I do not have personal responsibility for my own felt the night I I can do what I can do. I'm an only child.

I don't have a better than they hang are you out with mom.

Are you resentful for the position that you're in care for your mother's history of question yes or no, I'm not sure I get some I'm numb to the idea.

It's just an overwhelming concept. It is in order to start from. I'm back at that time. I put the dump truck of in your living room and you are handed a spoon that okay now get rid of it like one.

I will start with that. Let's start with that place will because I think that you are looking at this would with incredulity at this dump truck full of dirt and you think this is all up to you to somehow figure this out and ended the uke I could just hear it in your voice you're looking for ways to get this off of you. This isn't going to be off of you. This is your life. This is your mother.

This is where we are and were going to have to face it square up but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable and that doesn't mean you have to be overwhelmed and that doesn't mean you have to freak out. That just means that okay this is the way it is and you don't have to like it but you do have to accept that this is where it is that your starting point is accepted. This is reality and this is really happening and you really can do this and you really can have meaningful times with your mother. Through this process and this is what it means.

It was easy. If it was easy God would put it in the 10 Commandments as they honor your mother and father okay if it was easy, you know, you would be calling into a show struggling with is not easy but it is doable and you can be strong enough to feel better about it that I'm not here to help you feel better about it. I have nothing to feel better about it taking care of a wife missing both legs and pain all the time and having surgery after surgery after surgery after surgery, but we can be better in it will. We can be better in it. That's the starting point in right now there's a resentment factor going on with you. I'm not beating the fort on the crash test dummy of caregivers will apply if you could fail at it. I failed it, but at that but I recognize it when I hear it is what I'm hoping I can do is walk you back a little bit. Let's get you to a place of safety we could breathe.

It's okay.

I'm struggling with this where the resources what I gotta do what's the next step for me will go get my book. It's called hope for the caregiver. It's an audiobook.

It's a digital book. It's a print book get it, read it and then when you know that get seven caregiver landmines listen to this show were to walk you through it okay. It's not complex, but it is challenging you track it with me for the caregiver.

Hopefully caregiver get it today. Don't wait to get it today. Start reads this an easy read and don't try to over think this thing don't look at the mound of dirt just be in the moment today.

Do what you can today because right now if you're so filled with resentment or obligation. All these can stuff that you deal with caregivers get lost what I call the fog of caregivers fear obligation and guilt, and right now it sounds like you are in the obligation mode which would lead to resentment very quickly and your kind in that place. Here's how you know that obligation is his burden you down. It's I got to a must. I have to I should be all that kind of stuff that's where you are and will get you back to stewardship, which is different. Stewardship means that you don't own this this is your your assigned this by God but he's going to equip you to do this and you can do this, Jesus took care of his mother from the cross. I think you can do this but he was still concerned about her and he had a path for her while he was taking care of his Wonder Bread on the cross and it's okay to delegate certain things that's okay. If Jesus can do it I can do it, but that doesn't mean he didn't fulfill responsibility for it wasn't resentful for doing it either around for a few more years. I did, he did what was necessary and he did it because he wanted to and right, you don't have to hold your mother's hand the entire way of all these things. She can live independently.

She could do certain things, but you can care for her. Just like people cared for you just like she cared for you and you don't have to be resentful. That's a choice on your part and you can see God's hand a provision in this as you deal with this.

Get the book. Read it. It'll give you the vocabulary for you to deal with your own heart because that's where the battle is you to be a lousy caregiver. If your heart is is a train wreck of resentment or frustration of guilt of obligation that that's going to reflect in your caregiving. This mean you could have tears but you will have to have tears of rage or despair. You don't want to be standing at the grave with clinched fist yourself. When my mom about what they will and will you not start this is your responsibility got to get out of the minor say well just stuck with it what it is you and I just have to man up and we have to do it, but that is me. We had inadmissible.

You have a checkbook about how to handle your selling things in there, but I'm not that there are certain things in there that you will find that it my book and my show in everything I do is not to give you a checklist on how to care. Give what I'm trying to do was sort out the mess that's in the caregiver's heart and that's where you keep coming back in the same place where you're stuck with us you want to do this. You're you're upset about it so it's an inconvenience.

All that kind of stuff and it is which are as happy as miserable as you choose to be and you're nowhere near nowhere near the angst that so many are dealing with right now because your mom is cognitive let's get a list get out in front of this before. This thing goes even further down the rabbit hole rollup I'm calling you.

Yes and now you have a path read the book, get yourself in church.

Get yourself in a place where people are speaking life to you in this pointing you to where it is.

You can take care of your mother.

You can week tears of sorrow in it and you could still find joy in beauty and excitement and passion and you can grow as an individual you can look at this and say wow. Let's look at what God is doing in this will above a close with this because I guess because I will try to squeeze it, but I know this is overwhelming.

I know this is frustrating and I know that you don't want to do this.

I could hear it in your voice. I want you to take a leap of faith that God could speak to you in this right now where you are not just miserable and making people miserable around you.

You not just whining about how you're just most put upon person in the world and you can come from that point where you could see God's hand of mercy and provision and grace that he is allowed to push thing surface in your life to deal with so that you can understand the gospel to much more clear manner because there's nothing like caring for another human being to expose the funkiness that's in our sole and that's what God is interested in dealing with. That's where the train wreck is is in our own hearts. And that's where the gospel penetrates with clarity and there is nothing like caring for someone who has an impairment of some kind over. Time to push all the stuff to the server so we can all see.

Oh that's what's in the bottom of my heart I'm over here whining about this. Look at me, Paul and Silas were beaten in stocks and in prison and they were singing hymns at midnight. What did they know about Christ that you need to know what you take care.

That's a very good question. All right start with that.

Thanks so much for the call listening to the show will walk you through