Mother Overwhelmed and Discouraged About Disabled, Alcoholic Daughter

Steve Rosenberger your help somebody walk for the first time I've had that privilege many times through our organization. Standing with hope when my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs follow this horrible Rick that she had as a teenager and she try to save them for years and if it just wouldn't work out. And finally she relinquished him and thought wow this is that I'm not happy legs anymore. What can God do with that and then she had this vision for using prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel to put legs on her fellow amputees and that's what we been doing now since 2005 was standing with hope. We work in the West African country of Ghana and you can be a part of that through supplies through supporting team members through supporting the work that we're doing over there, you can designate a limb. There's all kinds of ways that you can be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking and standing with hope.com what you take a moment ago understanding with hope.com and see how you can give they go walking and leaping and praising God. You can be a part of that@standingwithhope.com and so forth. It was about. It was hosted by caregiver this Rosenberger. This is the nations, the more so for the family caregiver for those who are caring for folks. Let's go to Deborah North Carolina Deborah good morning how you feeling morning here on a little bit overwhelmed and earned today.

Two years ago I had a daughter that was assaulted and she had a stroke and she almost died, and for two years I have been caring for her. She's a faith that can't speak and she a little independent. She can walk she hasn't had the use of her right arm and her husband abandoned her. I went to another state, and I have been currently her sole caregiver.

She has her own place but I've find that the more try to help her. She has somewhat destructive behaviors. She drinks and she wants us family members to bring her alcohol and she has a friend that helps her to continue in her bad habit of alcoholism and I don't how to reach her. I don't know what else to do for her to try to get her to understand that it out and it hunting. Basically, if she doesn't stop will there's three things that happened with alcoholics, three potential past that they could have had the stroke been assaulted or whatever else she still an alcoholic 33 possible plat past that she is she's going to get sobered up. She's going to get locked up or she's going to get covered me ~those are the only three choices that she is. You are not responsible for what she chooses to put in your body.

You are not responsible for doing that. If you cannot make her do anything that different, and you don't have the vocabulary to fix this. There's not a there's not a phrase that you go to come up with that's going to say you know all right here it is.

Now you understand and she comes back afforded I get it. Mom and I will stop this, but it happened she's going to have to she's going to have to hit the place where she cries out for help. And then she's gonna have to work a recovery program. That's the way this is going to play out, or she's going to self-destruct. They'll want to bring her alcohol.

That's fun, but you don't have to do it she want all she wants, but that's not your responsibility, and that is not your place to do that. You don't need to enable this in any way fashion or form in the way you care for your daughter is you put boundaries up and say this is what I will put up participate male. I say that rather firmly because you need to be firm in it. However, please understand that you're going to cry hot tears in those times because you're going to have to watch somebody you love circled the drain until she decides she's had enough and she may or may not be capable of it. I don't know. I don't know what she's capable were not capable of but I know that you're not capable of going down this particular rabbit hole and saving her. And the best thing that you compare for your daughter is for you to go to a recovery program for yourself for family members of alcoholics that is the best thing you can do Al-Anon program on the program start that is that is a great place to start. That is a great place to start and I would also recommend that you possibly seek some counseling for yourself on this and get a good social worker, a good mental health counselor has been around the block for you. Don't go to psychiatrist or psychologist are pretty expensive. I think you go to a licensed clinical social worker and justified but somebody who's just been around the block for a while. And what about your church has your pastor you'd be get along pretty well. Your pastor from regular tender on you feeling pretty pastors got elation you feel like you pastors get some good insights or some some good savvy to night.

Drill you know that I counseling. I know that there are couple other people in my church that are actually counseling on May hard part for me to open up and talk to other people that I Deborah I truly do know it. It's hard but that's what this hopefully this conversation today is that we're learning that were good have to ask for help.

And right now you need help. You just do help is not getting your daughter stop drinking help is for you to accept the fact that you daughter's an alcoholic and disabled all the other things that make peace with it with yourself and knowing what is yours and what is not yours everyone, a reporter asked me Bureau of what was the hardest thing for you to do is is a caregiver and you've heard my story mean gray she's had 80 surgeries and hundred doctors of traders will different hospitals, but the hardest thing for me is to know what is mine and what is not bad to carry and I go back to what we talk about begin the show with Moses. He was after trying to carry the entire burden of a nation and his father-in-law said to back away from this is too big for you, else I'll read that same Scripture, but in the context of your daughter. This is what Moses follows that him and I will say to you, you will certainly wear yourselves out.

For this thing for the thing is to heavy for you, you're not able to do it alone. You can't fight alcoholism. You can't fight was happened to your daughter which you can deal with what's going on with you and that's where a good recovery program for family members of alcoholic comes in the play that's where good counseling comes up with us were good church situation where you hearing the gospel repeated over and over and over to you to to understand how God is faithful to you in this speaking life.

What I'm hoping that you do about that. I saw this with the last call. She speaking death to herself in the midst of her pain I want I want her and in her husband and her son and now you to speak life to yourselves that it did have nobody else to speak in life you lifted speak to yourself. David did that at the sick leg with his men would go stumbling in the cities. If you just knelt down and strengthened himself in the Lord. That's what we have to do with. That's why I do the show so that you have somebody to say to you, hey Deborah, speak life to you with this thing don't know what could happen with you daughter.

She may not make it. You have to you have to. It's hard to hear our Friday I tried to years are to try to save her but she didn't think the interested and wanting to be will not want to do some parts are not concerned.

Go back, our Savior's that I was literally hanging on the cross wanting to save people that were not interested in being saved. Look at your hands at your hands. The use email prints. This is your fix, you cannot say, for she has a Savior you're not that Savior you, her mother, and you will grieve over this and that's what's so important for you to be around other people who understand this who can build you up in it because you will grieve over this and it will hurt up I I'm sorry it just it just will. It's not going to. That's not going to be fixed this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean you can't get stronger in this.

That doesn't mean you can't make peace with this. That doesn't mean you can't have joy in this. That doesn't mean you can't be calm her in this see the goal here is not for you to fix your daughter. The goal is for you to trust God as he moves in this thing, no matter how this plays out so that you can be calmer and healthier as your daughter goes through these things and if you end up standing at a grave that you're not doing it with clinched fist, but you it's really important you understand what you can and cannot do and you can not fix this. She doesn't want to be saved and you don't have the power to save her even if she does all you can do is point her to safety and said what you will do and what you will not and I would highly recommend you not enabling her by bringing her alcohol or anything else and just say no to is going to beach you can get blowback and she's come say ugly things Deanna or or communicate things to you. Look at what you do, what is he I really appreciate it. Just tell you how much I appreciate how hard it left me to make the final call that I can tell from your conversation, you really understand you did. And that is appreciated and I respect so much that you will listen, don't don't hang up a mortgage information will send you copy my book seven-figure lame and told us to like 100 pounds, but I'm glad you picked it up and call.

That's why we do the show, Deborah. I appreciate you pushing to take the time to call. Don't hang up. There is no get your information. This is hopefully caregiver hope for the caregiver.com see