#405 "My faith used to be like a AAA card I kept in my wallet ...to be used in emergencies." A Conversation With Author Janine Urbaniak Reid

Like to hope for the caregiver here on Sirius XM 131 family talk channel. This is Peter Rosenberger 877-655-6755 877-645-6755 if you want to be a part of the show. That's crazy and that's from a new record resilient. You can get a copy that hope for the caregiver.com.take a look at all the things we have to offer, including her podcast which is free and we will make it available to you.

Lots of different things out there. We have special things from John every so often you hope. Thank you very much and always speaking of great, wonderful musicianship and nurses do what I can with what I fights you and always thinking most national anthems on thinkers country songs okay forgot that was posted with contraction obligated to give you and dad joke every week and we should stop that we need a break to give me a lawyer. I like to have authors on the show that our caregivers that bring their insight to the discussion here and I've got Janine a romantic read on the phone. She is author writer. She's been doing this for a long time and then she also death is taken onto an the next level, which is hurt her journey as a caregiving mom this is why I'm just so thrilled to have her on an out when I heard about this book I thought we need to have her on her because I love to listen the title this book. John, the opposite of certainty. The opposite of 36. Janine, thank you for being a part of this. I don't want to spoil anything I want you to what you just jump right in the foot thank you for taking the time to call the show with thank you for being flexible with me today.

My memoir had no idea what kind of uncertainty to look at how that would be a little bit of a wild I I don't know about think about. I didn't think an entity. I kind and to combat God look at coming out at that moment in time and it is the story of my journey as a mother of a young man aged originally diagnosed with a brain tumor going brain tumor and how our family began to orbit. I write orbit at varying Cameron exchanges that brought and not the identity check for the entire family and me for spiritual grounding that has come about come through this experience was to talk about what happens to family caregivers is what I call the three eyes we lose our independence we become isolated and then we lose our identity and talk about that journey with you guys on how this should like you just said it shaped your identity. How did this with your your orbiting almost I love the way you said that were orbiting this this affliction. Now this come about and she is a writer. She is where she is a writer. She does have it with words I have written books. She's a writer you and you are writer before this came about my first but, but I've always been a writer inevitable that story would have to come through me for me pertinent to make it all really believe in offering Mike. To help others and I as I was writing and I thought there was a certain universality in the message at getting through uncertain times will talk about the most from this and the loss thereof, the regaining thereof all the above. Yet, like any anybody to become apparent and at home mom like in the choice I made early on with my three children on my identity started getting closer and closer to home right. I became a parent and a mom of the three children, and then I became that desperate mom a very very thick little boy and on at my husband's world thinking that he was able to maintain his career and grow his career. Through this whole time at his world got bigger.

My world got smaller and smaller and I had to learn to eat a lot like a good think about that because I you know the true identity. I never was.

What I did for a living right there with that there me that is much bigger than than those outside circumstances, but it was really challenging and and I really do write a lot about working getting to that point of building a support network so that the act because the isolation me alone with my mind and exhaustion. I mean, I don't need to tell you how that's not a recipe for all.

He's a really great thing right now where my positive thoughts come in my mind is a dangerous place to go into unaccompanied clips.

Well, I'm with you there. I'm with you there. Yeah will you talk about how you reject a lot of the platitudes in I can tell you that as a caregiver for all these years. Platitudes is been the road behind me strewn with platitudes you had these things thrown at you. People want to come at you and some of things people said over the years, will God always has a reason God has a purpose or you don't. You don't just things that just make me kind of go barking mad but tell us about that with you.

Well, I might rent one time and let me know if God gave you more than you can handle. I don't want to get spiritually fit you are, because I don't want anything that I want to go through what you're going through today with the delusion that I had fun. I don't know a really bad luck or some superhuman spiritual skill which I'm kind of thing I write in the book. I'm just an ordinary woman in extraordinary circumstances so that platitudes on the manage to get through these crises need Fenway in a panic combat and I think it's also there's something about him get it. I'm sure I salon. I'm sure I got that platitudes flung back at me that I flung it. Others over the years.

You know good intent with good intentions on but I can yeah it that gap. Then wave the Mexican sometimes it okay not to say anything, you know that I think there's a tendency to want to fix it for someone and you want to put a shine on it, and on a really bad or scary situation when that support that I can't get and in that moment might be because someone sitting next anything you know what it's it's really hard. It is really hard. I wish this wasn't happening to you that this is hard, but I'm here you know that that's what we need to hear nobody need to get that cut me you know and I would do well but what would you sit would you want people to say to caregiver this it will. I offered this phrase look at them in the Odyssey very quietly I see you I see the magnitude of what you.

I hurt with you and let it just start from there. Let it flow from there. Just like what you said just be there so we just had on the last half-hour with those Stephen ministers just learned the not to do and so you when you wrote this book. When you sit down to SoCal go to talk about this.

What was that what was the starting point was at the tumor diagnosis was it something that happened in you, something that sparked it. What what was that okay now I need to write about this, moment, well about my own cancer diagnosed that I had that had a lot of life thrown at me while they felt like thrown at me that probably not probably kinder when you say it but it felt like it was brought to me and my way because I am a writer of making sense of it like this story needed to come through me and I don't know live my life with my spiritual coded use my experience to help other people and this seemed like a really great opportunity because I was looking for people stories.

I've always my whole life wanted to hear other people stories about getting through hard times. Even I found my childhood Bible and I had package. As you know underline that work were all about finding courage.

What has what is happened to your face through this that you would look at is, oh, that's different. Oh you know I did cutting chips that about God before ML through this process. What is illuminated in your in your walk with God through this. I got no more modern nuclear where before I think I used my faith like I think I've always had a faith but I use it as I had taken the powers of myself. Well you know when it felt like a AAA card. Let's say that I kept in my wallet with it. This kind of Christ in my front eat out with a kind of it's an ongoing thing. It's something that couldn't be removed, so it's something we had. We had to learned orbit, we learn to live with and function. Let so I've had to learn how to lie. How do I and my fate.

I think the biggest question for me what I felt like my faith with inadequate because I didn't have gout and I did feel like I was in enough and I didn't have enough strength in any given moment, and there was this one.

One time I was in the hospital with my son and it was just one more surgery which I'm sure you understand. And one more email. It wasn't going in the direction anybody on the care team wanted the best situation to go and I called a friend of mine and I just email.

I felt hard and she said you don't think you can do it right now. I can't do it. I can't do it and it was so good to be acknowledged because not that I can't. If you bake for me. Now I'm too tired and she paused and then she said you know what you're doing at and I started to look at my relationship with God as an end. This is a dear friend of mine.

She would also let me have you been cared for today and that was all the sudden email. I'd been holding out like God working in our family life would look like a miracle like that humor would be big. I have been fantasy.

They do an MRI and a go. I can in MRI machine camera here, but that was that. Like that was, in fact, the standard for America call with my eyes fixed on that you know posted on the wall. I wasn't getting that door miracle I was and I was in a soup of miracles. I all times with, you know, I learned that faith that is a lot more practical. I have gout, but that you know that that that inspiration for the title is a quote from a philosopher named Paul Tillett and he says the opposite of faith. It isn't on gout, certainty, and so to be able to look at my faith and my courage is not and I can ask God for more. There's that beautiful phrase in the Bible I believe but help my unbelief. And that's how I got through a lot of those days, I believe, but help my unbelief. It became a mantra for me. You know that is that is absolute all-time favorite verses that I've cried that out myself think that was reasons I like having altars like you on the show is that you're not addressing this thing up and get to do some kind of super Christian destination and look back at the rest of people. So why haven't you figured this out. They were all broken struggle with this is to struggle with the whole journey is a struggle it, but it's not that we don't have to be miserable on the struggle with we don't we don't have it. We don't have to judge yourself that somehow we don't have the perfect Christian outlook of these things. It is what it is. It's painful, it's real, it's, it's, this is who we are.

This is what we gotta deal with the human spiritual journey because we get very little information and were mostly I mostly acting on faith and if I allow Mike and if I allow myself the full range of emotions rather than donning everything down but joy comes up organically and it surprises me. I think I pushed down that day that the terror and agree for a long time because I was afraid they take over. But lo and behold if I allow you know if I present anything joint just pops up, like you know like a dandelion it's just their email and that's great in my mind. This book fits with it when it was last Wednesday to get it right now is gone and bookstores are online available right that minute you would do an audiobook. An audiobook available yet you love you Bobby listen let audiobooks like lately. I really enjoyed it so that I would imagine about a little bit. The people are listening to books bill. So please, please check and get this book.

I got one more question which left of the brick question I were talking with Janine about it read. This is her new book, the opposite of certainty and there's more to come here on hope the caregiver will go away hope the caregiver.com. It would also put the set of the podcast, but I want you to pay attention to this woman and what she has to offer to you right now secured. Think about all the legal documents you need power of attorney will, living wills, and so many more than about such things as disputes about medical bills. What if instead of showing out hefty fees for a few days of legal help paid a monthly membership and got a law firm for life. Well, we are taking legal representation and making some revisions in the form of accessible, affordable, full-service coverage. Finally, you can live life know you have a lawyer in your back pocket who at the same time is empty. It's called legal shield and its practical, affordable and a must for the family caregiver visit caregiver legal.com that's caregiver legal.com. Isn't it about time someone started advocating for you www.dotcaregiver.com on independent associate. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you. I'm Gracie Rosenberger in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident, leading to 80 surgeries in both legs and became it. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me. But over time, my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis.

We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated limbs.

All of this is to point others to Christ.

The source of my help and strength, please visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others that standing without.com. I'm Gracie. I am standing with help. Hope this is stiff but I looked at my feet on my phone Jonah she was recording that she was in the studio with Russ a year ago today and that she did that song the joy of the Lord, and you can go out and get that it hope for the caregiver.com. If you will be a part of what were doing and also what you heard her story about what were doing over West Africa this week ago to purchase more resin to send over that really resonates know we we do resin for to make the sockets we could recycle the prosthetic limbs and in you could go.

We had a lady called yesterday about that isn't in she's taking care of a family member with prosthetic legs us and don't throw those things away would you do if she outgrows him or doesn't need him anymore some expensive bits yeah we could take those things they go to prison in Tennessee run by core civic and its mother. Many faith-based programs where inmates volunteer to strip the slims down and we can reuse all the parts. Gracie sent over her legs over the years she's been empty since 91 so she's going through a lot of legs and the subsequent weird. I don't smoke to discover things are, but she know it's it's a great program that these inmates do and faith-based programs are so effective in the prison system and these inmates love do it core civic is been so great to let us do this please please please get the word out that we could use that. But then we purchase other materials that cannot be recycled like resin to make the socket and that's what the limb fits into this extraordinary work. If you will be a part of it going out there to standing with hope.com see all that we do and for donation really melt will get will send you copy gracious record I were talking about your again I'm sorry that we had to stop in the middle of the conversation but will talk with Janine about it read her new book is called opposite of certainty in this was prompted through some very difficult things in her life she been a writer for many years published in all kinds of big publications and then all of a sudden this life event happened this business want to do when your son got this diagnosis. I don't want you to have to relive that moment. But there are individuals listing right now who are living in that moment. For the first time what would you like to say to you, not alone. You are not alone. Even if you are alone in your house right now.

Derrida walked past him and one step at a time. You know, we walked through that and there's so much right that it that terrifying thing where all that then you realize your life is not going down a path you recognize or can even you don't even know what's around the corner and it is where you know I like. They also ask for help you in one of the first calls after my son's diagnosis was to a dear friend of mine and I get called and left a message and I said what I pulled over and said I needed to know. You know I think it's so important that we don't walk through this alone because it is, even though it's difficult to speak the words to people that this is just And they found in Cameron Mason's brain and deal with their reaction. It's so important was so important to me to have helped and have people who could support me and a number of different ways that she did the songs you like it was 100 pounds absolutely absolutely and something in me you know and then I called at great if you need you need to call you need to call now you know this is this is the message I want to also just put it! For fellow caregivers because that isolation trust truly cripples us and if we think that we can somehow white knuckle ourselves through this were mistaken, and then we will we will hurt ourselves and hurt the ones were trying to care for. It's just too big. But there are people that can help. There are people will walk through God will bring them into our lives.

Are we willing to trust him in this.

Are we willing to trust that he's using other people to do this and in their mishaps. All the ways, like you said about platitudes of people go to say the wrong thing to do the wrong thing. What kept you forging ahead even when you when you bumped into those platitudes are those you know those those roadblocks of of errors.

You quickly learn I quickly learned where people not everyone can handle it now. Not everyone can I forget that I am. I'm a small circle kind of person I had three really close friend who could handle it. And then there were circles of people who think it okay for me. You know, I don't know what their motivation letter whatever, but for whatever reason it didn't feel right to me and I had really honored that Kendrick I was so broken I'm not a crier and I just cried for a week now and I think the other big thing I had to learn like to accept the character. The first step would be to find safe people in their professional to help with these things to some brilliant people out there, and then learn to accept care which has been.

It's an ongoing challenge for me. To this day because part of my challenges. I'm so freaking capable you now and so I got that I know how things should be well and that's the sound that was a lot assume caregivers is that we are functioning multitaskers who are extremely good at what we do and it takes a lot longer to realize we can't do it alone right and correct back in Atlanta. I talked about at the beginning of our conversation, you know that I did that God can't give me more than I can handle well the thing is I'm not meant to handle it alone thing you know I've what I there is a yeah you probably heard of God with again on right so the nurses those are those random people in an elevator at it, you know that Dr. who answers his own followed the person in the coffee shop with a kind smile. It could be anything but you know I I there is there is grace when I'm able to look look for it and I do have support. If I but I have to put myself out there, kill will Milton said the first thing that God said was not good was that man was alone for the fall, so we were not designed to do this alone. We were not designed to be alone.

You have forged a path of people in this and I really do appreciate you taking the time to call Janine Janine or Beneke read the book is called the opposite of certainty.

Do yourself a favor and get this book and up or give it to somebody you know who is just now walking into this path.

Okay, this is if you don't know what a single caregiver. Guess what Janine does hope for the caregiver.com. We are thrilled to have you with us will see you next week. Janine, thank you so much for the top of the sea this week. John will see you next week to John about