#419 Gary Barg of Today's Caregiver Shares His New Book and a Message of Community to Family Caregivers

Hope you John bringing about today's some of our favorite guess we have.

We first started the show was at Batgirl well but today this part of the show we have Gary Borg who is the founder of today's caregivers wonderful magazine in the fearless caregiver conferences. These been doing for hello easy to do the decades athletic and been around doing this and leading the charge to to strengthen family caregivers we we connect back up this week is get a new book out and talk about, but I just wanted to have a battle shows one of the inspiring individual to me personally and so Gary with this.

I am not sounds great. All I want to talk about. That is what it says on the paper you gave your Gary really well.

Thank you. Now looking back to the show. It's been way too long and were glad that your with this today how you feel about the way I am. I am fine I'm you know the pain we had to postpone going to call the postpone six or seven conferences. So rather than being an airplane and you know having you know, fast food and and motels and which is a downside. The upside is I just I just you know shake when I can't be in a room with family caregivers and not six or seven family caregivers.

Three. 400 caregivers that I that I should be hugging and interacting and educating and learning from.

So come back it will. I know you miss know you miss it because I want to do these things and it's like you just it's feeding your soul as you do and I have seen it and and it's it's really a beautiful thing to watch and how you are able to pull people in into this wonderful community that you continue to foster and a lot of tears a lot of laughter and a lot of hugs and we need that is caregivers the way all absolutely and I learned so much from every you know we have experts we have no doctors, lawyers, everything you can think of on the panel that we put in front of the caregivers, but I always know that the lessons I'm gonna learn from that day are from the family caregivers who raise her hand and take. Here's how I solve.here's what I did here so I got that. You know, think about stopping driving here, by the way, I am honored to be on the show with Matt.

I've been such a fan of his for so long and we've interviewed him and you know driving is I call the driving is the showstopper at our conferences. So when I we have an open Q&A format the beginning when the driving question comes up. I asked for it to be held till the end of the session because it'll swamp everything else I get it bracelet was a part of this you and you know he's just such a wonderful person to to be speaking into that.

So you know he's he's earned the respect of everyone that he encounters. And this is extraordinary with Telus. Are you right now you can do these conferences talk about this earlier this week I won't I won't say we rehearsed because we never think of the ship that I might actually rehearsed, so I think I don't think anybody's ever going to accuse us of rehearsing and what it's you, but you and I did talk with this week about your concern of what the isolation is doing to family caregiver in isolation is is one of those that I wrote about in my book 7 caregiver landmines assist is one of those landmines week we become isolated physically then then also be become isolated emotionally and and so decided you were going to tackle that in and talk about this isolation is a killer. I've seen it, you know, I felt it as a serial killer caregiver serial. I myself always visit CSI right there at the Dardanelles.

I got a good getting back on track is back save his job In John but you know basically you become a caregiver you get that metaphorical phone call middle night dad fell. There's been a accident.

The test is come back and you've now walk through the looking glass of being a family caregiver and you're talking about things and talking to people and learning things that you never thought you would or shorter ever wanted to, and you become the CEO of caring for your level and Inc., but it's also very isolating in let's say BC before Covidien a theatrical you know when we get back together that the key for me is to hopefully have caregivers learn from one another. That's where the sweet spot is when when you're sitting in a pharmacy was Sandia pharmacy waiting line sitting in a you know the emergency room at 4 o'clock in the morning and there's another caregiver there. I would say actually, as opposed, you know, not wanting to bother the person there who was stealing their own family issues an opportunity to learn from an expert because everything will caregiver is an expert in caring for their loved one. And there's so many pieces of puzzle that they figured out that other caregivers that they see it. Eventually you know that the waiting lines if they don't interact and talk with other it would be child or they don't realize the person standing at some has a piece of the puzzle that they been trying to figure out for weeks or months or years so that being isolation is, you know, a twofold want you need it. You have to get out. You have to make sure what you know even your your radio shows you know your your Facebook for this speech, isolation, and however we can whatever we can do these days to help caregivers beat isolation and help them feel like they're not alone 66.7 million people caring and in the country. Now we all feel absolutely alone, and on us to do whatever way we can until we can all get back together in the same room as you know we we share common experiences we we were kind of old war horses it caregiver say were old. We are now no say it is not alone that we did do this when my chair creaking although you never do this a while and I think that telling about this you would you still get surprised I did I do to about things that we learned were not novices. At this and and I I have I have run the gamut of a lot of things that the caller succumbing to my show don't have the same shared experiences and some of them have a fraction of the years that I've logged into this, but I still get surprised by that you do as well talk a little bit about that because of me with wisdom that I didn't expect because I think what you have been doing this a long and you're an old hand at it did every so then also something happens you get surprised by somebody's whistle this good doing it. A fraction of the time and you get surprised that a caregiver raises her hand shyly at an event saying that this may not mean anything and have the key to the puzzle that hundreds of caregivers have tried to figure out in these rooms, you know, like getting car status.driving getting mom to accept home care you know getting your family members to help me. That's a big one getting your loved ones to you know except the doctors solutions and so that's the part I'm so glad you brought that up because that's the part of the Phyllis Kerber conferences that I love the most is the wisdom the piece of the puzzle that the shared emotions. The fact that caregivers want to give so much to each other that we've actually done this years ago but you know we were running around doing it live. We wrote up book called you are not alone and that it's based on the wisdom the pieces of the puzzle. The dissolutions that we have heard in these 287 rooms around the country, with about 120,000 total family caregivers not missing but you know where they raise their hand and they answer a question another caregiver and panel of doctors and lawyers and everybody are making notes they never heard such brilliant so we we have a 200+ page book that just came out called you are not alone in the lessons learned from hundreds of caregivers want you know that we can we can apply while sheltering in place and so I call it the conference in the kitchen me to consider your kitchen table read this book and hopefully find those pieces of wisdom those solutions are the camaraderie that that we see had every one of the Phyllis Guerra conferences within the pages and what were really, really, please update the aging network and and so the disease specific networks have really picked up on it. Family caregivers ordering it and you know it. It extends our ability to keep people together. Somebody said something in a room in a state that the caregiver reading this book will never go to the city to never go to a personal never meet and it solved the problem that they were dealing with it in and something that we learn because we happen to be there when the caregiver was sharing wisdom so were about what I can get in on caregiver.com.

They kick you know Mike immediately. Give me a phone number they can call you. 954-362-8125 on caregiver.com and and get the book and then again it's it's just about bringing Mohammed.

I call myself a Johnny Appleseed of caregiver wisdom. I don't you know I learned what I learned from family caregivers and I like to Wiley Coyote of caregivers… You got it as a catalog that you just keep running into brick walls are often the apples it out of the said this is still one of himself to try to get her know you around family carriage you get help you. Do you really do. I will just put you on the spot.

If you did take a moment think about it it's okay, John look singsong, but before I answer question I want you to identify one of the more poignant moments in your conferences or the book that brought tears yes and that I want you to identify one of the most hilarious moments for you to do that force just off the spotlight that real quick. I don't you know time. I just want you to do it right as date as they teach you when you do the shows never answer the question rash so I answer it a different way. Most poignant important piece of advice we got from a family caregiver was probably 15 years ago at a conference in New Haven. We've done that every single year for last 17, 18 years with the Southwestern Connecticut area agency on aging that Dr. Bev Kidder wonderful folks and south-central Connecticut. I'm sorry, Bob and there was a caregiver roosted up at the end of end of the event and she she stood up and she said look I don't have a question. I just want to tell you something I did and maybe it'll help a few people to my mom is always challenged about having some home care in the house she lives with me. I can't. I gotta go to work and I'm afraid of living alone because she has on mid-stage Alzheimer's. So I thought to myself, let me go where she is in on the only files validation very cheap you know basically validate what her mom was complaining about life or mom was living as opposed to say mom you need to do this so sure.

Mom was a bank branch president. Very professional still get stressed up every day and this caregiver came home from work one day's still an address) sat down and she said mom you're too busy. There's too much paperwork you've got too much on your plate and the higher you on administrative assistant using her mom's language nominated, not a CNA, you know, an administrative assistant enter mom still thinking she was bank note president to be nice honey. The next day she cheated the caregiver comes and sits down says mom how to go with your new administrative assistant in the end, and her mom looked at her and she said yes she was very good. I like her very much. She is very smart and very helpful, but maybe next time she comes she could take me for ice cream. Oh, that's good.

But all the drama that seems just by doing her mom owned it, and she owned it and I just thought, and not in the book and and all these these the pieces of laser that I you know as long as I can remember that mom to write them down and share and share them out and she was wonderful that Nancy I didn't think about it that the experts I talked to didn't think that everybody has the same response you do you know I've gone to school. I have a doctor and PhD all these years I never would've come up with that absolutely because you're not living it, like the family caregivers are will and thisis the obvious becomes obvious right before becomes obvious. Obviously all I want to let me ask you this one and then I will do something different with you, but what's was something that stuck out. That was hilarious that we did just that level laughing that you had with during these conferences or the book of just as your is your journey with caregivers. I want to try to keep this short.

This is in the book to but we were in Wisconsin hosting an event and a social worker stood up and she said you know when I was training for social work… Guess it was in the 70s. At that point she was training they they believed in reality theory.

You trying to force a person into thinking it's you know knowing what date is knowing what time it is. And there was always this and she was doing her practicum in a nursing home and there was this older lady standing in the corner talking for last 10 years to her husband, Harry.

Frankly, the only challenge was Harry died 10 years ago so her her proctored teacher said I want you to go over and tell Mrs. Johnson that Harry's dad it's really 1979 and she needs to step out on it of it and this this wonderful wonderful lady said I didn't think that sounded right but that's all they knew at that point can come up with validation Terry didn't come up with anything, so she went over top the Mrs. Johnson on the shoulder who looked at her very clear right and said she said Mr. Johnson, I'm so sorry to tell you know you think you're talking your husband, Harry, but he died.he said he's not here anymore and she looked at the lady and that if the social work. She nodded. She turned back to where Harry was.

She said did you hear that Harry. She says you can't make that you let that go it, everything on the screen.

The kids were so serious caregiver.come will I think that is that. Sorry about that I didn't.

I was try to watch the board to do all this in well Peter I tell you, but but Ed's been dead for like five years so the book is called. You are not alone. You are not of the website is you are not alone because basically what else would you call a book like that because were really trying to help people realize even if you're alone. Even if you're in the room with you. Just your loved one.

Even if you're sheltering in place 11 to the facility.

We are here we are out here and we been here your fellow family caregivers and were were going to be here when this is all over. If you don't mind I there's one more thing were doing. Now we're doing her phone back to my roots as a video producer were doing a series called Cove 19 caregiving conversations with experts and industry leaders. We interviewed Sec. of agent for aging Lance Robertson were interviewing interview Jennifer Olson Road and Carter institutes Executive Director Grace Whiting national answer.

Caregiving and experts about home safety. You know about tech telehealth and then again hipsters will videotape all the conferences tips that we picked up from family caregivers and then we call it the clips and tips maybe some funny moments from caregivers and fearless caregiver moments so that that's the first one came out last week and again. It's just a way to auction be involved and be connected to the caregivers in a time when we can actually go and physically do that well you got a lot of friends around the country on one of and have interest in, and I think that what you do is is is so would I know that you're frustrated because of the virus and I know that must be very hard Richard because you do use it. It's is your soul enriching to go to when you're conferences and I hope that you get these back going again. Of course this is the podcast will have the cell available for folks to listen to, but all these people who know you and have watched your selfless passion to to reach out to them and grab as many by the lapels you can just talk there for moment because I know you miss that interaction would just tell them just to speak your heart to thank you for that you are not alone. We have not forgotten you. We're you know, obviously Peter and Gracie and John at her there.

Obviously, Matt is doing wonderful work.

I really do want to talk to him about all these people who are now on the road again after not driving for lunch to be nice if they remembered how to drive before they started driving again. Don't worry about the batteries died in the driveway before they got wrong for so long, you're not alone and we do care and we do love you and you know is that we do weekly newsletters caregiver.com and we have the magazine and what would were reaching out parts of the book share wisdom from family caregivers, but our hearts are with you and if you're in a rural community and urban community. If you're starting to get out again. You know, we know we know as family caregivers that it just hang on, reach out watched no watched his Peter show come to our website go to Facebook groups and stay involved. Please don't don't isolate is as much as you can possibly not isolate. Please don't isolate and we love you madly, Wilson Wilson this is Gary Borg he's a founder of today's caregiver, editor-in-chief of today's caregiver caregiver.com's new book is you are you really aren't alone and in and I think this so that the the harshness of being a caregiver is that it it's it creates this bubble of saying that your alone that make you feel like you but you're not there are people that truly get your journey and they are willing to extend the hand of experience because here's the secret. A lot of people know Gary back me up if I get this wrong correctly. If I got right back me up with the here's the secret.

The more we reach out to others who were struggling as caregivers and offer the same experiences someone is done for us. We get stronger doing we don't. It's not depleting us to point others to safety. It's not depleting us to speak into others heartache. It's actually it's strengthening to do this and that's why we do it because we with somebody's done this for us it's it's it's it's reciprocal edits in its contagious because we want to be able to build each other up that I'm going to need Gary and and in this audience, to say the same things to me that I'll retweet we don't need a lot of instruction but we do need a lot of reminders and and that's what this whole point this with this whole thing is about soap soap. Thank you so very much for this Gary for taking the time to call in today.

Thank you for being there and thank you for all you do and in a nutshell giving is getting you know, basically, the more you give is a family caregiver. The more you learn, the stronger you are, the better you are for yourself or your level in inferior community really is. Thank you very much Gary Borg caregiver.com to get the book caregiver.com you should be able to remember that website caregiver.gov and is Gary Bard and I appreciate you very very much Gary for taking the time on the show was about out of time. John, as always I thank you for being a part of what were doing in town is on the rails and I remember what the conversation wise man I thought our podcast is free. Take advantage of.

Go out and see all the things we have it. Hopefully caregiver.com. We are serious about investing. You as a caregiver to help you stay strong and help take care of someone is not healthy. Caregivers make better characters. Okay, it's just that simple. Hopefully caregiver.com supporting what were doing well done, and welcome the help will see you next week. Thanks so much John. Thank you guy and I'm on arrow uric