#430 "Caregivers Feeling Guilty Long After the Grass Is Growing on the Grave."

John and.or the caregiver.home, and whether they just click on her record covered you'll see about doing the John. I'm glad to have you followed back with this year we initiated our but power goes out. I wanted to in the last few minutes we have Jon, I wanted to talk about what what about last week with pain, and we deal with chronic pain and the management thereof, but I get a lot of calls on here on the on the show and let emails and contact them when this is ongoing discussion when you're dealing with an aging love one who still close to the end of life or certainly in their twilight years.

You know what that what what was the right thing to do for families and I don't know that I can say what the right thing to do is I think that's a little bit presumptuous.

Now I need to say I know the right thing of anything we can talk about this a little bit last week that we can't continue to write next step or anything like that but we can tell you that everything is going to be different and that you need to that that there might be a framework that you can go out in a couple of things to pay attention to like the wishes of the patient is one of these things if and but if they're not if they're compromised in some way, they might not be able to give you those wishes so that what you do that will affect distress or flowchart. I can't necessarily tell you the right thing because I like judges steadily do everything fisheries can be different. I can tell you what I I believe is probably the wrong thing to do and the wrong thing to do is to seek out advice from politicians before medic given for medical professionals, you know, I think that is a it in my situation. What what what I feel like is a healthy approach is that there are several disciplines that you can involve in this pastoral clergy psychological mental health professionals. All these are professionals and medical professionals. I think that keeping this off of the act out of the political stream is a healthier approach because these are people that are trying to deal with these types of issues and I have found that most of the better ones and more qualified ones and more astute ones are going to want to have a collaborative approach and anybody comes to USAID. This is the right way by God and about nine.

I recommend that little bit yeah I got a bridge to sell you you now enter and exit changes are. They are probably selling something exactly yeah and so there's any again in the middle of of grief.

We are incredibly vulnerable and there you will take advantage of that and an end and do the head, and his yes and and and they will use it to further their own agenda as opposed to walk into the grief with you and and there are medical professionals and mental health professionals and in clergy professionals who not only willing to but consistently demonstrate that they're willing to go in there because it these are hard decisions.

And the thing that I don't want and I think this is what prompted this is at the sky, the show would and 20 years after the fact.

John 20 years, he still wrestling with this with his three-year-old father who passed away they end up giving the nurse Say we need Gibbs morphing when he gives Murphy. He assisted in one do that and then according them there that the father died within 24 hours of of the sister relenting to the morphine drip or morphine injection.

Again, there are a lot of holes in the store that I don't know. And so now 20 years old living in estimation guys and but I am better say that 20 years after the fact is still a fact that this guy is troubled by the incident, exactly. It doesn't matter what actually happened at this point matters that he has deals in dealing with yeah the grass has grown on the grave that he still dealing with and so these guys are caregiver. My goal for for you as a listener for this show and is a key is my fellow caregiver and my goal is this for myself is that what ever we do in this we do it with eyes wide open with as much knowledge as we can. And knowing that were doing the best we can with what we have at our hands to do so that 10, 15, 20 years were not for mail were not a prisoner to that decision.

I think that is something that that that is driving a lot of this intensity from me on this because I see too many caregivers that are still living in the guilt or the, the shame of the frustration or the anger or the resentment of something that happened a decade prior that they don't know that they were doing the best he could with exactly and that's gathered now.

I I see people what is this guy doing over here half the time is it is best is doing his best to just let it let it happen.

By the no doubt what I what you're saying, what not to do and what not to do is how we how do we keep people from living in that guilt, how to keep people from your how we help them out of that are formatted that frustration a 20-year-old. Whatever you keep talking about this think about yeah we came in right at the click of the show because I think this is where caregivers live feel guilty for things we've done, we feel guilty for things were doing and we feel guilty for things we had even done yet it so that that kind of stuff is where we live is caregiver, since I want to I want to just keep discussing that and will and welcome your thoughts with others. All because the flesh it out there and what we talk about this member caregiver and seven caregiver landmines please go and get a copy of it today if I have a simple easy work. My fellow caregivers got to go now. John is caregiver.com scrap the project be portable were doing hope for the caregiver.com