Male Caregivers and Myths about Masculinity

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I 877-655-6755 877-655-6755 and also just give thanks again to Rabbi Eric Walker for being with his first have to to explain what this means to have the seasons four times of of reflection for our own journey furled, emotional, and spiritual and physical health. And that's what Rosh Hashanah right now is is that that were looking at. Okay, what's going on with her life and do we have a chance to come do some some inventory and speaking of inventory. I wanted to. John and I wanted I want to get it a couple things with John here course you all know John Butler, the count of all, I know you you and your first job well.

I will review a few things because of a lot of calls you know we do that the broadcast show this the podcast where we could open up some ideas and expand some things and but on the broadcast show that we do once on Saturdays were on bleeder, not just over 200 stations may be quite cool but I get a lot of calls of people who were fractured in their relationships in and they are edits, it's more distressing I think. Then the caregiving task yeah okay it and so I got a couple things about hit on that I would want to pivot a little bit because I like to throw things. John and that I like to talk.

Talk about different topics with John and I want to catch a gotcha more where the usually apply no I get this a lot with these fractured relationships, and some wanted. I did want to get to too far away from this to say okay look and I give example what I just put this on the podcast Park is a hope for the caregiver.com.

It was a call.

We had from about a week or so ago and the lady basically bailed on to give her father and let her sister have it all by herself. Okay. And they never really got along very well with the sisters. You sisters and not but that when the mother was alive, she kinda kept the peace.

They love each other but didn't really like each other gotcha okay Robin and yeah and and so the the the stress of caregiving for her dad with Alzheimer's came so much that she was suffering physically and emotionally. Everything else her marriage. That was why she said I just had to bail my sister and I were just at each other's throats. It was his, and I just had left her hanging with. She said I was putting a lot of weight, which is that one of the landmines in my book. Only seven caregiver Lynn Munson and and all of the above. She said I'd like to make this I like to somehow see if we can't get back together make a like I told her yeah and told us it okay here's the deal, you're not absolved from doing the right thing, but please understand that it may not have the ending you want.

Yeah she's she's not going to just because you're working at this doesn't mean that she's going to just say sure, no problem.

It's okay this is to make a lot of workouts that yeah that's a long shot. Now you can. It is with yeah and you can't be doing it with that in mind.

Anyway we talk about the we talk about apologies over a month ago or so, and yeah, just like what you said you're not a result from doing the right thing regardless of how the other person feels because you do the right thing and you do it right reasons. Now you do not down because of something inside of you, not because something or try to get from her eggs well put exactly your you're doing it because you feel compelled to not because you're worried about how your sister feels about you, correct, and an end before a pivot to the stick subject, I just wanted to. That was been heavy on my mind because I know so many caregivers deal with this issue. The relationships are just simply frazzled or fractured, or in some cases just blown up and there's a lot of unresolved issues that may not have the happy ending you what we talked about that a couple weeks ago with resolving the court is stuck just you just because you think it should resolve this way doesn't mean it will and is still beautiful music even if it doesn't resolve the way you think it should write your head that we get a lot of those very few that's a standard 251. This can resolve the way your ear thinks it will okay but something still it. This means that beautiful music is going in a different direction right you can you can resolve the thing fight that resolution might be a rather long and dissonant journey it it it it. Yes it is slow to take you through something so just be forewarned if you just hang onto that thought if you're in the process right now of trying to somehow make some resolutions do the right thing regardless of what comes back at you. You do the next right thing because that's reflective of what's going on in you as you are growing as a as a person through this thing.

That's a spiritual, emotional and and growth opportunity for you. Don't expect don't know these things with expectations because it's not that I happen. Probably most likely won't have the way you expected to write what you should, you shouldn't plan on that. You know I mean if you even saying well. If it does work out that be great, useless. Yeah, just thinking concerned about make big doing the right thing. The priority at this� Is a hard thing for a lot of people. It's hard thing for me to make it right. I want to make it fit, fix it and give we all want to do that and it's it. Sometimes we have wrong goals in mind and you hang with me on this one for little bit. I take my seat. Thank you. I see a lot of I see this a lot in in young men where they are lonely and trying to find somebody and innovate may not have had the best luck in like save the the of the dating pool or whatever and you know that they think they're like, well, why don't why don't women know why why they always going for somebody else or something like that and they they think okay well if I do ask them girls will like me or if I do I'm speaking out from from this because I am I'm on now. I was a young man at one point, so this is the perspective that I have.

I go for the low land of young men I do I do that bites. They say you know what I I learned to play the guitar or I was I was that young try to be a nice guy or I know I did X, Y, and Z. Why am I still having problems and because they were doing it because they want to learn to play guitar or they were doing it because they wanted to be a nice guy doing it because they were doing it because they were trying to now they're trying to date this person or or anybody. And the way you end up actually becoming the person that somebody wants to date is by really doing the thing.

But instead of doing it now doing because you want to become better for you as opposed to for somebody else, even for Dr. Diane Lineberger was on the show a while back suffering in the heart of God. We talked about all those things that were at that that that presence of just listening know you are on there with that. I'm sorry you have with me but she said in her book being nice is not a character trait. That's a learned behavior and and what were talking about is is developing character, I would pivot really quick here nice, by the way I got it will think you I got a fun article I will be putting out there soon. I want to talk about this. Real men don't cry and other myth about masculinity in caregivers because there a lot more men now serving as caregivers, and that number is growing significantly, particularly in the in the coronavirus page and those demographics are the demographics of caregiver change but what happened is the stereotype masculinity attributes have created the smith that blurred the value of what masculinity healthy masculinity breaks and and so I thought I wanted to just in the little bit of time we have two talk about those three of those in this and want to miss the real men don't cry, and that is that is a that is a horrible myth and it it creates great confusion and loss for so many, and I think if you if you could be caregiver for any length of time. Crying is going to be part of the journey and would you go to Saab can be nested challenges for men is where do we stop and who do we solve with and I think this is what's a little bit different for us as men and and so what I've what I'm trying to encourage myself and my fellow carriers under this myself is to find those other men in your life that are trusted men who recognize that two things, one of Ms.'s any any military person will tell you grief is best shared off of the battlefield you don't get with the bullets are flying that is not the time to just cried out and evaluate your investment at the time.

While I mean you can. You crime that you read that it was not right. But in so processing that grief needs to be done from a place of safety and in this particular case I have recommended for so many men that you do this in a place of safety where you are with other men who understand that concept and then recognize that that that there watching your six if you will.

There watching your back there making sure you're safe so that you could do it because I think you have to have that vigilance that that safety component in order to feel safe to to to to wheat that out.

You need to process this grief out but did you also need to get back up on the horse and get back into it, but you don't need to have the burdens of unshed tears while you do it. Yeah, it's that you need you or me but the burden of unshed tears while it makes it it if you're if you're too heavy to get on the horse could almost 2 years now.

If you get on or something for other reasons. But now that I think I got a bottle the stuff up and in that that ins up compromising our ability to function as a healthy caregiver because were they will real men don't cry we got just that we gotta stick a knife in her and our other leg to let the pain keep us from crying kind of thing. We had just toughened up just hit ourselves of the shoulder. You know that kind of stuff that's not healthy yet and there there is that is the myth of of I really enjoy stoicism as a philosophy by now the stoicism as a is an ironclad sort of personality trait is not really the best way of doing things sometimes work and be able to just wow that was bad and get over right then you know and that's that. But those are pretty rare times when it's when it's very bad and and and there are times when it when the unshed tears maybe don't get bottled up but lots of times they do and we really need to be vigilant about will you will you will let up tingling. Okay see what you think. I think that releasing anguish results in clarity of thought and purpose.

There's a little I know you like to visualize all of the words in your mind that you release that anguish. It helps clarify your thoughts and your purpose you get that's in the same way that some people might deal with problems by like going for a run or taken taken a couple rounds with a heavy bag parts boxing gloves or something like that where you can have that sort of cathartic release of these of these of these these really very real and and and and anguishing emotions. They can give you clarity and detail in their will and that's what we need is caregivers in his lungs were bottling up this anguish that we have in us, which is real. No kidding. Real that we don't we don't release that in a healthy manner. Were going to end up compromising our clarity and and and getting off purpose of what were supposed to be there for you and I think this is what I want men to help cultivate in their own lives and really is one reason I didn't know you don't want to punch in the drywall is not healthy release of of the that's no it's not yet been there done. So here's another myth, real men conquer know we've worshiped that whole concrete gotta come in there just take charge.

Alyssa and I say no, they don't real men lead and there is a difference and an when you when you go about conquering it.

It takes men down this destructive path of of of abuse I will conquer this of him.

I will use my altering the universe. Yes and and and and I I say no leadership doesn't come through brute force, but it's it's it's I say I'm just I believe John and I really do know rehearsing on the sort of thing I like to show it out there and I say that it is it is confidence wrapped in love that I'm confident of something, but I'm also wrapping this in love are not coming at you to beat you over the head and convince you of how right I am in and let me give you an example for me say this, and in the Army. Sometimes they say that that the leaders together members with the Jeep was parked and and okay he may be the lowest private in that unit but he sees that his unit is in distress and he loves his unit.

He's there to serve his unit but he knows where the deepest part, so his his confidence in his duty to his unit overrides even the rank of his superior officer say hey this is the way to go exactly that way since it does and will bring up another concept that we talk about a show an awful lot and that it is that leadership has a very high stewardship component that you are taking care of some exactly.

Yeah, that's going in and conquering like you said earlier, is hate conquerors do conquer.

They they impose their will on the universe. We seem get with Alexander the great did that that he imposed his will on a vast swath of the known world. And then you know a generation later it was all gone and now it wasn't held together by any principal other than dominance and that is not that is not a robust way of of maintaining a long-term solution will come back and finish up the last one that I want to give you one last a lot about that.

I am convinced that that confidence that leadership confidence wrapped in love inspires confidence in other people. That's one of the fruits of it other people around you will then become more, that's what I'm thinking talk about myth about male God when lousy things happen to you and Gracie Rosenberger in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident, leading to 80 surgeries in both legs and became it. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time the questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis. We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated lambs. All of this is to point others to Christ. The source of my help and strength these visits standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others@standingwithout.com.

I'm Gracie and I am staining with help and I and phone with their you can go out and downloaded as an individual single downloads are iTunes and Amazon all the stuff that is Gracie and rust have or you can get the whole CD. Got to hope for the caregiver.com and you'll see the CD cover and you just click on that in whatever's on your heart to give to this organization is a nonprofit ministry were doing will send you copy that city. Whatever's on your heart but met just whatever you got in your mind want to make sure you have this Gracie is an amazing singer and you and I I'm just really proud of this record that she's done and so I think you can like were talking about myth about male caregivers because the rise of the male caregiver is is encroaching upon the demographic is change the demographic particular the coping. 19.

We talked about the first 21 myth is that real men don't cry. That's a myth.

They do they sob. Can they cry in a healthy manner and and and with other individuals who can help them get back into the game never compromising their masculinity, making sure they're safe for the do it and help them get clarity and focus to do it. The second one is real. Myth is real men conquer know they don't delete and and leadership is confidence wrapped in love is what I would have termed because we have that conference. This is the path we got ago and maybe have a very uncomfortable path. I guess the route we have to go and also I have whatever whatever group I'm leaving best interest at heart because I love them. Yes, do not not not here to tell you how to live your life. I'm telling you this is where safety is that I love you and I want to get you to that safety to the best of my abilities. Yet I know how � not even my own ego either. And that is that that's a hard thing in today's world because we don't have a lot of people like that in in in public life in the last myth is that real men aren't afraid and I categorically reject that we live in a in a world filled with the fraught with. If you like that word fraught with fearful things. There are truly fearful things that we have to face the. The bills that add up the the the the constant threat of death or or more injury as as you taking care of somebody with with impairments.

The relationship factors aware Cisco what's gonna happen. However, to do this. I have more caregivers called show and say what we did about this. Have a good whatever you do will look at it when looking to do that.

Fear and and I say that courage is not the absence of fear, but it's the presence of devotion and and that with caregivers fear is is a part of virtually every day I got T that would buy me my 35th year. There's not many days that I don't experience some level of fear about this and it's constantly lurking at the corners of the month of Sundays at grips me more than others, but you know we are incapable of the puzzle just as perfect love casts out fear will work.

Fear is torment were incapable of perfect love, but we can we can strive towards more love and devotion as the antidote to that relentless fear and and you know winning winning an appeal with an insurance company. For example, that's a frightful thing. I would have gone up against insurance companies. I've got to get surgeons.

I got up against hospitals and so forth. But I found that if I do that with heavy-handed this and just being a jackass about it or because I am so devoted to Gracie to make sure she is well cared for. There's a difference in my in my outcome. Yet every time in the sky comes back to a lot of things were talking about. It's your goal is is is pure and your goal is like you.

It's your goal is not to win your goal is to take care of your wife correct and this is not a game here.

This is not some kind of contest and and she and and and and one of things that I say to my fellow caregivers is the devotion swallow that were devotion, devotion will fight relentlessly in the presence of fear devotion even allows one to face the fear of death and that's this is something it's it's just it's just a different way of looking at things as a caregiver.

It is not are not trying to be metaphysical hear anything about it but I'm trying to hopefully help us we shift our thinking so that were not paralyzed by these crazy myth that the site this is the way you're supposed act and beating yourself up for being afraid and what you were talking about earlier really, I thought I have bought this for many years that bravery or courage or whatever is impossible without fear. Otherwise, if you if you're going to something and it looks like it's being brave and you're not afraid it's really dispiriting foolhardy now doesn't have to be a life or death situation very fearful to confront a family member whose being very critical or or condescending or hard.

There's a lot of that goes on I get those chemicals all the time of of this. You know my sister said such as this to be and I'm tired of it and she just beats me down and it's time to have that confrontation in this scary confrontation scares people. Now I get it but why are you confronting them in and then if you start stacking the dominoes of why you're doing this. I'm confronting them because this is making me unhealthy and if I'm unhealthy. The person behind me that I'm caring for and protecting their going to be the recipient of my own healthiness. So ultimately because I'm so devoted to them. I want them to have a healthy caregiver. I'm willing to face this fear of confronting this person. Jan willing to pick up the phone. I'm willing to do whatever it also does a game changer for your there's a mind shift of oh, I'm not doing this just because a man I'm doing this because the stakes are just that, high know is that now what will put it like that� Yes on doing this. Yeah, I don't want.

I want to beat up this person that's been it's been beat me up. I don't want to. I don't want to win against them like we talked about earlier. I want to take care of my loved one and that core idea and it informs all of your other actions and then you can confrontation understrength of just I get him though to set the job. I think that confrontation.

It doesn't have to be combative never want to think it's also muscle that you have to work that went what it takes and you have to you. It takes some practice that this Yen and it takes some experience at it because it's it is a little bit nerve-racking incentives. It would gussy so confrontive or you will enter something liturgist combative and I don't I don't want to deal with that. But come confronting something is different and that's you coming from that place of strong confidence that I am doing this. I have searched my heart I know why I'm doing this. I know what the goalies in the now military. There's an unspoken creed is not that I hate was in front of me is that I love what's behind me. You know that yeah and and because of my love for Gracie.

I'm willing to confront surgeons and hospitals and insurance companies always been that I feel totally ill prepared to do so and it now and you're doing it as a response and not a reaction. It develops and and will write a tablet that was his meanderings. I wanted to have on Ms. about male caregivers and I hope that was helpful to you were to put this out on the podcast as well and in the blog post everything else in the be more out there and hopefully caregiver.com John, as always, thank you for your insights. Hopefully caregiver.com will see you next