Raising Sons to be Honorable Men (Part 2 of 2)

Christmas memories and making sharing stories with your family that's depicted in the play from Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and painted by artist Morgan was of a lively family kitchen scene will find a special place in your home and find out how to get a signed version of the special edition print@focusonthefamily.com/family traditions. That's focusonthefamily.com/family traditions first thing I would say to a listening. Dad is you are way more important than you think you are and were not talking about massive effort in saying that were not talking about you got to become some kind of excellent well scripted dad's got it all together were talking about dad like me who are from believers mistake makers have got asked for forgiveness. Often, but who at least grabbed on to the fact that we are the greatest influence in her son's life, and if we will impart just a little father food her sons.

Invariably it has great results. You can hear more from Robert Lewis today on focus on family as he talks about raising honorable son, I'm John Fuller and your hostess Focus on the Family president and author Jim Daly. I'm so pleased to return to this conversation with Robert Lewis John last time we talked about the fact that many boys are growing up without any clear direction on how to become a man.

Robert share the troubled relationships that he had with his own father, many of us can relate to that, as so many just didn't have dad's involved in their lives.

But Robert developed a plan for giving his boys a vision for manhood that is based on the way the nights journey through life and the way they lived back then. It's a great resource if you have boys in your home. You really need to get this book, raising a modern-day night is one of the best books focus is ever produced on this topic and if you missed any part of the program. Last time, let me encourage you to listen online or the app or you call us here at focus first CD yar numbers 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes for all the details. Robert Lewis is the founder of men's fraternity and organization that teaches men how to live lives of authentic Biblical manhood. He's married to Sharon and they have four adult children here now is the second part of her conversation with Rob.

Robert is so good to have. We talked last time about you know where boys are at the culture there so many things pulling at the attention of the boys and I see that with my own boys you know if they do any kind of video games. We kind of drawn the line on the types that can do no bloodshed and obviously no bad language. Those kinds of things.

But it's hard it's hard with the media culture that we have in this country friends are seen in movies and work China trying to hold that line and they just see us is just you know mom and dad, downer and but there are character things that you are trying to instill. There is apparent that we left off last time talk about this idea of the code of conduct and I want to start there today and will process online John does.

I think this is great. I went through this with my boys last night and that they actually my 14-year-old said that's really cool.

It resonated with that and it is really cool once you hit that list and then let's talk about two or three of them only first say with that.

That code of conduct is a language that is presented by dad with some passion in his voice.

I think young males naturally respond to one of things I found about sons. Is there not have to things that call them up just like a coach calling them up to work hard work in the wind. We can be the number one team that can thank me. Males respond best to challenges and I think a code of conduct. Says eyes dad have identified some things that will make you a cut above, this is what I want to be. Let's go there together so that's the first thing I want you to hear. The second thing is is that these 10 things are listed in modern-day night or attributes that give a dad language that he can speak from.

First, he identifies it, which we've identified Rob identified 10 biblical ideals of code of conduct which you see highlighted in Scripture, loyalty, servant leadership, kindness, humility, purity, honesty, self-discipline, excellence and integrity perseverance.

Those things are great to mention to a son. I would even go so far as like it would be good to have posted somewhere in the house. These characteristics that I'm calling you to because language advertised language illustrated language in front of you as a dad as well as assigned or things. After a while they can get in your bloodstream and that incident will come up where you'll call that word forward to a son in that moment and say this is what it means to be a man so you're in the midst of something like with my son with my son being called out for something he had been pursuing to play college football and also in the coach told him right before the season started. After given two years two years to make the Razorbacks my son walked on which welcome and rarely make it. He given two years to make it almost automated and right before the season started, the head coach called him out and said were you somebody else. This scholarship player that's just a freshman. So what you say in that moment see in that moment after he had given himself with discipline for two years. First of all, I said to him over the phone. Garrett, you have worked hard, you given what real men give and that is consistent effort of excellence. So now it's a time to reject passivity. Remember that from the previous broadcast and go to your head coach as a coach I given two years. Why won't you give me a chance.

I said you need to persevere. That's what real men do they persevere when it seems like nothing will work.

You just don't go confront your head coach but I call my son out to do that. So the next day he walked out to the coach and said coach you told me that if I would stay and work at this position of deep snapper that you would give me a chance and I've done that and I haven't done anything wrong and you're just replacing me without a reason.

What's the reason in the coach can give them a reason but because he talked to his coach and persevered. When that Saturday rolled around in the big game.

My son came up on the big screen as being the starting deep snapper and recall that perseverance and we've used that as an illustration. So I think it gives a dead language you draw from self-discipline draw from courage to draw from when they were dating and my son was going on his first date. I helped him understand it, this right now is God is letting you practice on how to engage a woman with excellence and the road you lay down now will be either the fruit of the barrenness of a relationship later on. I connected the dots even later on the marriage reader. Building a good marriage in this dating relationship are your undercutting a good marriage but how you conduct yourself. So I'm calling you up to treat this woman with dignity and excellence and integrity like I had words and I connected the words to being a man and not as I would want to tell dad listening when you can identify some code of conduct that you admire that you pursue and you call your son up to with real-world applications in the midst of the battle of real life. That's when those words take root and begin to germinate that this is awesome material. I mean I just I'm translating in the conversations I want to have with her and Troy and this is such good stuff Robert looking at that list again. John will post that but one of things there purity and I touched on this earlier that the culture is so it's a tsunami when you're trying to parent boys and girls in this culture today why they can't wear certain clothes why they can see certain things and it's not just a list of do's and don'ts as parents were concerned about their core character and what they develop in terms of their discernment capability to honor God speak to that code of conduct particular because again it's so prevalent in the culture how to develop a sense of purity within your sons as a dad so that it's not you know dad, this is dad's planning and analysis play the part that he really inculcate into your son that this is important well first of all, a telling dad it's listing this is a mammoth challenge and it's a mammoth challenge not just for the culture. It's a mammoth challenge for the Christian community because I think some time since we've given up.

That's too difficult it's too big it's too prevalent it's to everywhere and I think for a dad. The biggest challenge is to be able not to just say you need to be pure. Tell them you need to be pure are you, you need to not look at that.

I think that negative wavelength is in some ways. In this culture self-defeating and it may even push the sun yet and that direct you and all and makes our family look like a dinosaur, so to speak. I think the better thing. It still can be a challenge. I don't want to take this away because I mean I'm a granddad down. I got grandsons I got my sons and I look at them and I sometimes just said to them for the challenges huge. I think what you gotta do is set maybe a loftier goal that's got a future in it about how living in a way that secure that young women respond to like when Mason was in high school I had him practice with his mom on giving little gifts that he would write letters to his mom so we could express himself as is it what women want is heart they don't just want stuff they want heart and I said your words on the card will mean way more than how cool the card is innocent you doing little things for mom and we would do certain things where we would get up and think mom for dinner and then clean up and have her go sit and watch what she wanted to watch on TV. It was mom's night or taken her out to eat to just say you're a great mom. Sit those things Mason. Our life skills for living with a woman that will give you the best of a marital relationship because that will become, secondary to you but they're not natural for men you go what my wife needs is my heart. She just a neat stuff she does done mainly working hard she needs me to make decisions that show her that she wants to connect with me emotionally, which is what a woman's number one need is to connect emotionally, so I'd show my son. Then Wendy started dating a said you know if you really want to do something special and Valentines for this girl you're dating you do a cut above your most gadgets good wet party. What what you do something that really shows her that you value herself. We talked about a certain flower with a little note in advance would be great and did something cool. So my sentiment was something really cool for this Valentine's Day. He put a table on top of the press box at his high school and got another friend to be the waiter and he took her out. They simple the press box and had dinner. He was the coolest kid in the last month because he did that and I said that's a room and connecting it a heart level and I go, but you just don't have to lose your your purity, you can do things that build a reputation and other women will notice and notice you, but those are things that you need to do, but I think you have to Jim counteracted with a vision for what purity can do above just abstaining. It's giving them skills to win with young women and ultimate of their wife that they realize this is a bigger mission in life than just getting what I want from a woman I got getting what you want from a woman will grow old quick. You want a relationship will last a lifetime. But that's a different path so it's not going to guarantee 100% success by any means in the world which we live, especially with where young women are, but it will help a week we covered the definition of manhood last time and as you drill into these these kind of code of conduct goals. I love the use of words.

There's a lot of coaching that has has to go on here. I mean, this is not a I post the list.

I keep going, so how do I get started if I'm inspired by what you talking about how to get inspired to even get to an action point is you've done this, you're successful at this time. I don't know how to deal with my 14-year-old right. Well let me go back to luscious so you think of yourself as the average dad you're lost here, the average debt out there a welcome I was you okay I learned three things by white knuckle, hard work trying to answer these questions, but the resources are now available. You need to give your son three things only elected three things you need to give them a definition of manhood that makes sense. That calls him, not just of the year now, but to the future that there is a greater reward in life than just what everybody's doing. The second thing is you need to give your son direction clear applications of how to live out that manhood which will include symbols and wall art like these 10 biblical ideals, I mean rings like I wear my both my sons where these rings. It just reminds him of what mandated those not silly things.

Those are meaningful things the site. This is the better manhood, and then you need to continually remind them with key ceremonies that honor their growth and manhood with men. They admired it says what your dad's telling you is the right thing now that's not gonna make a perfect son and is not going to guarantee that they're going not make mistakes, even big mistakes.

But what it does do is plant imagery and vision because manhood in the end, is finding a vision you can hang on to.

But it plants a vision that these young men can come back to.

Even in their failure over a lifetime because you keep using it and that repetitive interaction conversation key identification of terms and a definition that you say this is it, Robert. That is well said.

The question I have is, you just made a moment ago and that is the idea that kids will fail. Even good kids will make bad decisions from time to time elaborate on that a little bit because I think with in Christian homes. We expect perfection we want you to be as Christlike as you can be and that even though a common remark might be between you and your spouse. Remember you at 16. Remember you at 15 speak to that issue of kids from time to time making bad decisions and how you father your son when that is happened well, we are flawed parents raising flawed kids and they are going to make mistakes. My prayer for my kids. Along the way was I hope they don't make a life altering mistake there to make mistakes and that's just the way life is to give her talk openly with your boys about that. Oh yeah that NLN I had to enter in to my kids lives when they made those mistakes are when one of my sons, his first year in college, got a DWI it one just a DWI. It was in the paper DWI where the pastor's son was DWI. Okay and that had consequences, and although he regretted it. And although you know it was a hard lesson he didn't get dad to rejecting we went back to the principles is exactly what God does with us, you know, he was hurt by that embarrassed by that. He asked my forgiveness for that which are readily granted, but we go back to self-discipline, perseverance, integrity, you know you need to go around here key contacts and asked forgiveness and same manner Blewitt think of it that all becomes part of the journey. The goal is not that perfect kids, the goal is to have competent adults who can stand there with their wounds and their scars but also with their successes and what they learned along the way to be able to stand and live for Jesus Christ in an honorable way. Even with all that right linen for those eternal prints in the end the minute we try to make it perfection. We already made a mistake because were going be too hard on the disciplines were going to be to controlling and none of that works. None of that works unwanted and none of it works you're raising a flawed child as a flawed parent who's going to have a spotty track record, that's it. That's just expect that. But the goal is to get them to an honorable adulthood where with all that they can bring glory to God. Robert speak to the dad who hasn't been mindful of this.

He's been building his external values are his external resumes you called how I get started but said have a 1617-year-old and I've really not been mindful about this.

How do you reset the training at a late stage like that to say okay now I gotta begin yeah and you know it's interesting, Jim is a lot of the questions I give off the Booker men's attorney will be dad who sons are 30 right and 35 and who are still asking that what can I do now because their way wayward and the separation between them is tragically littered with all kinds of debris and is hard to get back and the first thing on one of these days no effect when we added some additions to the book modern-day not actually wrote a chapter on this to tell dad it's never too late. It's never too late and the first step of a dad is going of lost it. I wish I'd heard this 20 years ago. There's all this debris, the separation what do I do, or even in a more hopeless, like there's not anything I can do. First of all realize that statements alive and all activities that is Pat that we are right back to Pacifica. There's always something you can do the first thing is a dad. You need to do is admit I've blown it to yourself and to God and to decide I need to find a different manhood and so first of all, it's a personal journey. What is manhood before God.

I think a dad can put himself in environments of a men's group or church group a book or whatever to help at least build a new foundation. But here's the second step with the sun that's most important. And as I speak in prisons I get a chance to talk to prisoners who are sitting there most I just did that recently. Most of the present 90% of the prisoners them.

I didn't have a dad they're mad at their dad, they rail against her dad and asked what would you want from dad perfect that I dad who comes in gravels at your feet.

Know what they want they wanted dad will say two things to and and all is forgiven all those years of horrendous abuse or neglect. They wanted dad to say I'm sorry and the second thing they want the dad's eyes son. I love you. If they hear those two things. The slate is wiped clean. So when I have a dad come up to me is that Wishart is a seminar I'm doing good, or whatever.

There's a mistake like a dad did to me of high-powered lawyer who son was in Harvard Medical School. My son hates my guts. As we told me over salad and I said okay with what we do this even sit and listen to me, teach a man that Escobar plane ticket, but schedule planes afternoon call your sons. They won't take you out to dinner tonight can do that don't know you can do that passivity again is that okay I'll do that would allow say a sibling give your script you just taking out you looking me in the eye and say son of and learned some things about manhood and I have really missed it with you as a dad and say these words without any retort, son. I'm sorry, will you forgive me.

He sent my son will rent Nona to say those words trust me. So we got the plane ticket.

He flew up to Harvard took us so that the dinner said those were just on started weeping and they end up having a great conversation, and when the dad got on the plane to fly home.

The son called the mom and he said mom I just had the greatest moment of my life with dad were reconnected.

What dads of wayward sons or wayward dad with sons. The way to build the road to reconnection is simply with the words I blown it. I'm sorry, will you forgive me and then Santhosh and I really love you. Can we start again and in 99% of the cases because the glory of sons as their fathers, the Scripture says they want to come back to dad and reconnect no matter how bad the roads band and I've seen that healing over and over again so you dad listing it's never too late when fact Robert this ties in with the discussion last time about your father being an alcoholic can thing abusive toward your mom and your role in trying to be the negotiators you described it, your dad story ended in a good place. Describe yet really did it actually started with course I was I was getting, this new inspiration, but my dad had a really tragic moment with my mom where he actually injured my mom by mistake. He was walking out inebriated, slung my mom back when she was done, he can't drive because my mom to fall back and actually had a table and broke her neck but he walked out the door he locating and eating totally was unaware of what he had done and when he was notified by the police that that it happened, he immediately had a massive heart attack which how rare is that all that together, I was called to come fly home for my mom and my dad.

My dad was there weren't sure if he is the Lilo went into the the ICU. My dad was there. He didn't know I was there. He was on drugs. He sold me as a physician and my daddy never said anything of affection or pride to me in his life and he thought I was a doctor and I was talking to him and he started bragging on his son Robert, and how proud he wasn't of me home where that came from the paralyzed longing for these words of my dad love me and proud of me and my dad was telling me that thinking Elza Dr. and out of that as the next few days unfolded. We ended up having a great connection I got to share the gospel with my dad.

My dad prayed to receive Christ, and that created a relationship between us that lasted until his death and also was the foundation for my dad finally getting reconnected to my mom and so the last few years of their life. You know my dad didn't drink at their relationship was still shaky after all those years of abuse and incompetence, but they finished well and I went for my dad that I gave my dad, mom, attributes, alien, you did it. He didn't divorce and you reconnected and all of us are proud of you for that and they put that little tribute on their wall in their living room which was entitled by me. Here's to my imperfect family because we were imperfect. We made it we made it because of what Jesus did, a really beautiful place to this Focus on the Family conversation with Robert Lewis to a close and boy, Jim. He offered such great insights for dad and he did and I really hope that you've been inspired today to pass on this great legacy to your sons to help your boys understand Biblical manhood and a fresh, relevant way and to ignite a fire in their hearts that burns for the Lord.

And this is why Focus on the Family exists. We strive to provide tools like our seven traits of effective parenting assessment and other resources to encourage and equip you as parents to do the best job you can do.

It's tough and we know that you can do it. We also have Roberts great book, raising a modern-day night of father's role in guiding his son to authentic manhood. It's a terrific guide to help walk you through passing down a strong legacy of faith and courage to your son and you know we couldn't do this ministry without you. Your prayer and regular financial support are what allows us to help strengthen families like yours all across the globe. When you make a monthly sustaining pledge today will send you a copy of raising a modern-day night as our way of saying thank you. If you can't commit to a monthly gift we get that will send you a copy for a one-time gift of any amount take that seven traits of effective parenting assessment.

Donate. As you can and get your copy of raising a modern-day night.

All the details are in the episode notes join us next time. As we talk with counselor Darby Strickland shall help you learn to identify abuse in marriage. We don't see it because it's a problem of imagination. I can't imagine that the woman sitting next to me in the few I know her husband. I can't imagine the cruelty that she's facing at home or the coercion or on things being thrown at her look and perceive her husband.

That way, on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in France