Hope for Every Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

Man I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have a marriage they've always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today will she was having an affair and pursued divorce but said that the day the judge granted her divorce request was the worst day in her life.

This is Focus on the Family and you're going to hear an incredible story of God's restoration in more than one life as Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs share with us today.

There, the founders of hope. Marriage matters ministry in Plano, Texas, and authors of the book, I do again, your host is focused president and author Jim Daly I'm John.

John is always a pleasure to bring hope someone's life. I mean, as Christians it's really a wonderful thing to be able to share the hope of Christ with people and to see their lives come back together and that's what were going to be talking about today. If you missed last time you really need to go download it or order it through Focus on the Family. What an incredible story.

Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. They were married for about 10 years ended up divorcing because Cheryl was having an affair and they live separately for seven years, divorced, and then God began to work in their hearts. During that seven years and rekindling of the romance the relationship and what it meant to be commended for life in a marriage and it is powerful and I want to welcome back Jeff and Cheryl to Focus on the Family. Thanks.

Thanks.

Ralph is great to have you last time. Again Cheryl start where I left off. I just again wanted for both of you just want to say thank you for your vulnerability in the Christian community. The mistake we make is trying to project some kind of perfection and people that are living what you lived don't know where to connect because were saying hey you, just you know you except the Lord and you live happily ever after.

That's not always the case. Right. And God definitely wants that life force I'm reminded of John 1010 the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but he came that we might have life and life more abundantly course talking about the Lord Jesus Christ you live a testimony now that fulfills that Scripture because your marriage was dead, and the Lord breathed life back in time so let's pick up from that point. If you get if you didn't hear it. You gotta go listen to because it was dramatic as Cheryl said last time is like living a soap opera that Jeff you put the pieces together as Cheryl was never able to really tell you that she was having an affair, but after the divorce, you went to pick up your daughters and you saw the man you knew the man and put two and two together. You talked about feeling that anger at the end of the last program we need to talk about that because men in the situation there's a lot of testosterone that goes on right at that moment. You want to throttle some people talk about what you are feeling and how you dealt with it. I was so angry for a couple of years really and I didn't deal with it very well to be honest with you, but at the same time I knew the girls didn't want this divorce so my motivation was to make things is easy for them or is healthy as they can be given the situation. So when I would have the girls I try to be as positive and upbeat as I could be. I never spoke badly about their mom in front of them. When I point of divorce. How old are you girls and girls there four years old that wears old ways resources find yet it's it's just so sad. I think me even today when I think back on about their lowlifes and just how crushed they were because it every night when we put in the bad rap in the bed.

There it was just you know they would spill their guts to me and just cry and then cry every night yelling is like Lauren typically would have when I had to simply Lauren would want her mom, and now it was just so sad a lot of times I can console him I'd call Cheryl and she would come over and yell talk to him around the back until he fell asleep, or if it was really bad. Just take one of them home with her but it never felt settled. It was always fractured. I was angry. I felt like I was on a roller coaster when I had the girls I was in a high and when I didn't have a Mohs in a low probably.

Looking back, I was probably depressed when you react was mostly angry at Cheryl and in and be honest with you I was angry at God to I was like, how could he let this happen to my family was out looking back I see how selfish that was talk about that because it's a common statement and will make but when you really reflect on it.

I'm sure God saying hey. In reality I didn't do this right you will actually and I made it all about me nearly on this good guy. I haven't anything wrong you know I haven't done anything wrong course not. In fact, that when I was in owning having any ownership in it. I was blaming the whole thing on Cheryl and Jo. Looking back now, what the Lord started show me was I had a lot to do with it and wasn't so much what I did. It was more what I didn't do and so is the sin of omission yell and and really that I never loved her like God calls us to love our wives and you know when I read first Peter 37 now it just convicts me because I know what is the verse let it stick you where to treat our wives as the weaker vessel and I never treated her as the weaker vessel and you. It is like a piece of porcelain like protecting her covering her. I never did that.

In fact, and then it goes on his co-heirs of the grace of life and you never treated her as a co-errors equaling always looked at her is like I knew the part where she was supposed to submit to me. I got that right that I wasn't submitting to the Lord. So how can. How does that work if I'm not submitting to the Lord and I'm the spiritual leader.

The families got started reviewing the this to me in so many different ways and so eventually you know I was still helping with the high school youth at the church, probably two years after that they asked me to teach the boys a Wednesday night Bible study and the one we use the book by Kent Hughes called the disciplines of a godly man and I would tell these high school boys. You need to do. As Kent says in the book, not as I did and I would use the mistakes I made. My marriage as an example of these high school boys and and I also told him I'm learning this three days ahead of you. And that's because I'm preparing the lesson on Sunday night the limits you on Wednesday. So your anywhere from 14 to 1734. At that point on. I'm learning with you and the reality was guy was just really starting to show me how I didn't reach out and how I wasn't the spiritual leader and that no I didn't love her like Christ loved the church. Another something unique that's coming out in your story.

I don't know that a lot of people experience this in the circumstances that you faced in the near sure you're having an affair, you end up divorcing 2 to 3 years after the divorce, there seems to be an incredible sense of humility in it, though it it's like you know what's happening your heart is broken. The tether between you is still there even though it's a like the visual I have is a a rope with all the threads torn except one. There is just something still hanging on when you that's great, never, never thought about the humility factor while interest does take humility to stay connected. That anger could have overwhelmed either of you yeah and that's what a lot of couples deal with it just done.

It's over.

Right sure did well and I had lived in a starting in year two or so. I did start getting angry, but it never showed me on the typical type a no perfectionist had a great spirit.

You know, just smile my face outwardly loving my husband dying on the inside that's how I would have described myself. Jeff and I had an incredible working relationship with the girls we live five minutes from each other. We didn't have the normal visitation we we did have a schedule that you know Jeff wanted the girls two nights overnight during the weeks we could take them to school and we agreed on all of that.

He never came to the door were mad at me. We never put the kids on the sidewalk.

We walked in each other's homes. You know mostly right in the front foyer but not you know walk around the house and things like that but we did have a good relationship there, but my heart even though I now was free to pursue this or other relationship.

My heart was still with Jeff and so we talk about that one little strand is the covenant that we made with God is that is really what that was, which we at that point we were pursuing or I didn't even know really anything about that at this point.

Yet, three months after we divorce I finally come to know the Lord and for me it was like a Damascus Road experience for me. It really was. I was 33 and my eyes were completely opened. I was so hungry for the Lord. I was reading everything I could get my hands on on marriage. I couldn't stay out of the word. I had my home set up. I had a little chair and a little light and I'd wake up every morning at 5 o'clock in the morning.

I didn't even know how to read the Bible and these girlfriends mind that I talked about that that were loving on me said here's what you need to do to see him get up in the morning or it doesn't have to be morning but whenever time to spend with the Lord and get your Bible out. Have a a journal or something and start writing your prayers and that's what I started to do every day at 5 o'clock. I couldn't wait to get up at 5 o'clock and one damn sitting there. This is about two or three months after I came to know Jesus.

Right after Christmas.

Actually and on my paper was pursue reconciliation of your marriage that is written in your yes and I looked at those words and I shut my journal I'm like there is no way I'm in love with someone else. I'll never consider that in. That's where the anger was for me at that point because I was so mad at Jeff that you didn't do what he was supposed to do.

I guess you know that's way I saw what what did you expect him to do what you know he was supposed to read my mind. I asked that question. For that reason I think a lot of women a lot of wives are frustrated with their husbands and because we find that very hard to do much to your chagrin but how did you manage that. What's the next turn. Were you and Jeff take that broken strand that single solid strand and how do you tie that together and what was it, while the next day I kept waking up every day and that was the topic, pursue reconciliation, pursue reconciliation and finally I was invited to Tommy Nelson study the song of Solomon Tommy did it live. Back then it was in 1993 January 93 and I sat with a thousand other people and I had no idea what the song Solomon was nowhere to find in my Bible rock group and I sat there with my mouth dropped open for six weeks and I thought I had no idea that God had a plan for marriage that he had planned for dating he had planned for us and what I realized because now I was in tune with the spirit of God that the Lord was sharing with me that here's another marker for you for you to pursue reconciliation and it was a turning point for me so at that point I I I went to Jeff and I communicated to him that I felt like I I told him I become a Christian and kinda shook his head like whatever and Bible study yesterday also and he and I didn't believe her when she said it like okay have been fighting for this marriage for all these years and then three months after the divorce she comes in the Lord. Yeah, it was just too coincidental for me. I didn't believe her okay site.

I told him I said I felt like you I'm learning the Bible and learn about marriage that God's intentions, and we did it all wrong and I really feel like God is leading us to a restore the marriage and and really try to work on putting back together to Jeff. I got asked me to them on what you think I'm think she's crazy. There's no way you I am so prideful and is like no you, I'm still angry I'm still dealing with that anger I have, and I was looking at her like you're crazy what he said I'll never reconcile with you ever.

Don't ever talk to me about it, never, never, never say it's amazing that so what I mean, what was the catalyst that if your hearts are your reaching out and you're trying just rebuffing that effort. What took place that opened your heart Jeff and what how did you say all I was definitely a combination of things. One was that Bible say that I was teaching the young men at church, but then one night I was laying in bed and I didn't have the girls at night and typically when I didn't many nights of this letter, my bed and I'm really just crying, looking at the ceiling, just crying, just like help how to get here and I was like toss and turn and I open my Bible and I was reading Proverbs yet.

It was interesting.

It was probably on the third. To some, I said hey there's 31 Proverbs yelling and so I was reading Proverbs and I came across Proverbs 356, which was a verse on memorizing vacation Bible school. Back at my Baptist Church, my hometown in the verse to trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. And I'm reading that verse and I'm feeling like really like I'm wrestling with Lauren. He's showing means you have you been leaning on your own understanding for that .36 years, it's time to trust me and I really thought that was the pivotal time in my life is unlike I get it I get it. I really have been doing things my way and another friend told me you become this using one must posit people I knew and you become this angry guy and I didn't want to be that guy either.

And so it's like the Lord was just show me Jeff, it's time to do it my way and so that was the pivotal night for me now for both of you, though it took some time because your you're separated and divorced for about seven years, so it didn't it didn't just happen overnight it. It was a process that wasn't what happened during that period of time.

How did you hear three months into it writer divorce yet six more years. Now here's what every what was that journey all about what hat you know I I left Jeff's house that day.

After sharing my heart with with him. Probably for the first time on a deep level and I had my tail between my legs got my car and I thought I guess that wasn't God's I got back to my home five minutes away and I just sat with the Lord. I'm like God, you know, I guess that wasn't you, and I'm I really don't understand all that you do. Yet I'm I'm getting I'm so new and so is very clear that God laid on my heart just continuing this journey.

Don't give up on this and so literally. I was in the process of breaking off the other relationship and literally the Lord laid on my heart just to continue to love Jeff like I was supposed to in the first marriage because that's what I was learning now, even though we were in the same home so I I did my best to do that.

I know I didn't do that very well sometimes because I was so anxious about that. We had you not made some mistakes and I just wanted a second chance, and until finally five years and I had been inviting Jeff over for dinner for about a year and he turned me down every time for year and one day he said yes come over. She could have guys that I've years in why did you say worse after all that time. What in you register yet.

So I think it was just that the Lord been softening my heart and that's just yelling I was getting to the place where I could start to look at her and not feel that anger anymore that Cheryl is say you wrote in your book about a letter reconciliation that you'd written. I got an excerpt of that how cool it be great if you could read that for us because my guess would be Jeff. This certainly helps soften your heart you know Jeff, believe it or not, I pray for us every day. I pray for our situation and ask God to show me what he wants for my life. I do not have peace with what has happened us.

It just isn't settled in my heart and mind, my heart is still so much with you. I know you may not want to hear this as you appear to have gotten on with your life and appear to be happy.

There are times when I really miss you okay I'm sorry for being selfish with you and trying to solve everything on my own, Jeff. I've always loved you and probably always will.

Jeff, you may think differently, but I always loved you. I appreciate the tenderness in which your reading that most of us listen here crying with you.

As such, such a heartfelt note what did that do for you Jeff, you know, at at the moment. I was just so full of pride that you are basically yell. I I just I had no emotional response to it and I'm not sure exactly what I said to her, but you know I didn't let her think that doubt touch me in any way, but what happened was I kept the letter and I put it in this equipment something. Yes I put in the night. Sam's I'm a bad enough I read it. 12 times over the next several months and it was just another way that God is just one of the many things the Lord is using to soften my heart and show me that you know this could happen. This could really that was the first time you thought it's possible that yeah there's so many things will happen, but that was one of the catalysts yes absolutely. Shirley takes revenge and references earlier takes a great deal of humility to get to a point to as you were writing in that excerpt that you would failed and that you were the driver behind the divorce all these years later, is there still is staying there of the pain. I would imagine the humility use is not something that you grab for both the Lord, pushed on to you.

I am thankful that the Lord humbled me. I don't know what I would do without that at this point. Yeah it you know it's really interesting.

We share story to a lot of churches across the country, different venues in and all that and I still at times during the testimony there certain points that I cry every time and I think okay this time I'm not going to cry but the Lord just continually reminds me of where he's pulled and you know what he pulled me out of it and what he can do and how he can redeem anything and there's hope, no matter what and he's in control, and we've got to lean on him. You know when I hear the story and see the tears and see where you're at today.

What strikes me as it especially here in America with our children and with our marriages.

We we want this pristine this yet God teaches us so much in the valleys. I can only imagine I'd like you to respond to this, but I bet the depth of your relationship today with all of the vulnerability with all of the pain you've gone through is more of a mountaintop than you had before and something beautiful is in that and you know I think God smiles with that. It's not about living falsely living a false mountaintop God wants you to go through the valley so character is developed.

Hope is developed.

Love is developed, and I would think when you look back on. Even with all the pain would you do it differently well certain aspects is that you would do it differently. But honestly I wouldn't change a thing.

You know I wouldn't change a thing. II do want to when I get before the Lord. When and when we go to heaven and all that.

I can't wait asked Jesus why it took seven fierce but perfection is stubborn video pride now is a prideful manner to me a long time to admit that admit that I actually had played a role in and there was something I could do about putting it back together you so it's not a story that I would choose for us, but we've learned so much through it. Am I really foresaw our relationship with the Lord, we know now is the most important relationship in our life. And second, that is our relation with each other and we have such deep conversations.

Now we talk about just about everything and so probably really wouldn't trade it and I can feel it here that in dialogue today that you know the seven years that I do kind of joke about that a little but honestly, when I look at the all that God was teaching us year after year after year. The seven years there was a reason for all of it because if we would remarried three years in God was teaching each one of us something each one of those different years so was the perfect time. God's perfect timing. Yes it you know we have these last two days would concentrate on your relationship. Rightfully so. We talked last time about the age, your daughters, when this all started about four years old. They've written this journey with you and we haven't come back to talk about them.

How are they doing, where the girls are now is that they have seen the Lord look power work powerfully in our families lives. It has to be a such a foundation for them right and even their teachers would tell me that your girls pray for y'all's marriage. They pray for you and your wife, and they would tell me that it was so humbling.

But how what an incredible thing to strengthen their faith because their prayers were answered right you know they actually wrote a chapter in the book, which is you know I cry every time I read it, but what's interesting is you know they're twins and the foundation that they have gone into marriage is so strong because they've seen you know what God sent in an Jeff in my marriage and then also the hundreds of couples that have come across our path and they they just don't take it for granted because as you are asking earlier enough. One of the things that Jeff and I don't do anymore is take our marriage for granite and we didn't have the right focus and that's what we're missing is the right focus. We thought it was each other and when our focus is on the Lord, not each other. That's when we have the strength to love each other and were free to love well it and Cheryl as you're saying that those of us in the Christian community. You know what your struggles there and when we claim Christ. People watch and that you've done such a wonderful job. Even with all the brokenness coming back around and making that fundamental commitment to the Lord. That's what I heard you the last couple days say that started with your relationship with Christ and that's what you built it on and once that foundation was set. You got things together. The crooked things became straight and now you are in a relationship married twice and loving each other and your girls are watching that. And guess what the rest the world. Watching too and you done it so beautifully and I just want to go and say thank you thanks and we give them all the credit, the Lord really it was anything we did. It was more just letting the Lord work in our hearts. When I think what's important to note is that note that Jeff and I don't have a perfect marriage ruin things. We have a perfect marriage because of everything we've been through and the truth of the matter is were a sinner, married to a sinner and so the difference between our first marriage and her second marriage is we go to Christ and that's the difference is the difference well again. I just want to say thank you so much for being with us and being so vulnerable. I love it and I know many many marriages will be touch because of what you shared with us.

Thank you, thank you.

This is been such an inspirational story, Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs on Focus on the Family and their testimony is captured in their book, I do.

Again, we do suggest that if you're struggling in your marriage or you know somebody who is get a copy of this book shared our numbers 800 the letter a and the word family 800-232-6459 and when you support this ministry with a monthly gift to help us strengthen marriages in a time when more marriages than ever are under attack will thank you for that sustaining gift by sending a copy of Jeff and Cheryl's book, I do. Again, it might be that you're not in a position to make a monthly commitment then will encourage you to make a one-time donation of any amount today will still be happy to send you that book. And thanks in advance for helping us do ministry together. John we've heard such an uplifting store. The past couple of days and I know there are those who've been thinking about their own relationship and that brokenness of first of all, that's okay. Recognizing that brokenness is a good thing. Maybe you haven't been through a divorce, but you're concerned that things are falling apart and heading in that direction. Let us help you through our intensive counseling program called hope restored you're there for several days in a nice setting in Missouri, Michigan or Georgia working through the week areas of your marriage and here's the best part 4/5 couples who've been to hope restored are still together and doing better. Two years after the counseling experience were so encouraged by what God is doing through this effort and if you need help. We highly recommend that let us be there for you and like Cheryl said there's no perfect marriage.

If you're really hurting reach out as Jim said, our numbers 800 K.

The word family 800-232-6459 also learn more will have all the links in the episode on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband struggled with pornography.

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