Helping Your Kids Identify Their Strengths

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Subscribe today@focusonthefamily.com/kids bags clubhouse and clubhouse Junior award-winning magazines full of games and stories, and God find them@focusonthefamily.com/kids may my daughters always loved different creative pursuits.

Whether it's been piano in high school or breaking.

It's always something different. But it's created from the earliest age.

My daughter always showed kindness and compassion and Shelley's notice sounds around here and need, and she now works for a foundation against away scholarships for teenagers that really truly need that help my oldest son is good with mechanical and home repairs and that came in really handy. This past weekend when we were doing some home repairs that just jumped into the government turned out great wonder if you can relate to those parents.

DC areas where your child seems to really come to shine or are you more likely perhaps to see where your child struggles and feels today on Focus on the Family were to be talking about ways that we as moms and dads can have a more positive approach to parenting. Were you look at your child and see their strengths and I think it's can be really encouraging program for you your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John from John every parent knows their child has certain talents or skills you see usually pretty young. A member with Trent.

I could see that he was mechanical. I could totally resonate with that opening Trent was always the mechanic that was a little you know I had to humble myself because of the age of nine or 10 like you could put things together that I would struggle with and I had superior you're the guy to be coming to you for all this and then Troy is just different.

He's more of a writer, reader.

He loves that area turns more science and the and so it's just great to be able to see that now.

How do you develop that that's what we want to talk about today and not concentrate on the negative things that so many times us as parents.

That's were we go to the things that are being done so well and are just as I have written a great book play to their strengths and it's a wonderful resource to help parents understand the gifts and talents that God is given their children appreciate what you said about the boys I remember when my kids would always say I have an idea you're taking for a while until I realized that I could lean into that and say you are a man of many ideas Senate just to affirm what I couldn't see the positives and as you said Jim we have some great guests here. They are Brandon and AnnaLynne Miller and they joined us there author speakers and business owners San.Brandon does a lot of coaching and consulting with businesses and families and Lynn is a successful real estate agent. We are glad to have them here to have you with us. Thanks for having I thank you that welcome will. Let's get started. You have a small family. Seven kids (seven on something that's awesome yes we are one big happy family. Literally what kind of car do you have. I 15 passenger van.

Not that I do you have a large SUV so that yet you can actually get them all in one vehicle, not at all so the others you just have a jog outside. They have their own vehicles. Now their job to get really positive. I just always wondered big families of the family to Berlin for many many years you've admitted that in the early years of parenting. You made a lot of mistakes.

Let's start with describing some of them so we can attach to those mistakes because real will make sure cell as our kids were younger, we realized that our focus really was in line trying to find the unique talents and and get into that that conversation then and and learn about who they are. We are really raising them to make Catholic that I think that's a very good admission.

It was shrill and we had to come to grips too embarrassed.

We didn't want those parents in public, whose kids could not behave. The Walmart shoppers. He did not and so you he didn't want to be those people whose numbers flashed in church because it was your classic ultimate social and you like the walk of shame me on this child cannot hold it together during preschool in church and so we very much focused on behavior modification.

You need to act this way because this is the proper way to do things and in reality I think as we got older and realized this is ridiculous were trying to make them be something that makes us reflect well and gives us a good reputation, but this isn't working and in the book you point out, it was your three oldest kids when they got into their teen years you realize you could no longer control them the way you used it didn't work as well ride younger ones with sweets and almost get away with anything right as they got older. They started up the ante and we realize were to lose this game if we keep going on at all.

They have their own minds and they're pushing back in their their challenging us to think differently about okay what what are we doing here and and should we make an adjustment was that moment with Lance. I think that was the aha moment that you mention what took place and what grabbed you so Lance was in eighth grade and I spent a year traveling to every wrestling tournament.

The kid was and I was that dad that some of you coaches know you don't want to have that – involved.

I was loud I was in gay opinion and he I and II recall that the nice way to describe it.

So I try to be that guy going into the next year, he said would play football and I said sports here we are. We've arrived at the place like I got myself onto the coaching staff that day.

I did all him I answer that whole summer and gearing them up in the ready's on the day of practice were driving to the field and am given and that it will for the Gipper's on here cited in the play is are you going to do in his I show up and sweat. It was August the like.

I was spit on the steering wheel like it was a good speech. We leans over there is a 14-year-old little guy convert his big dad put his hand on my shoulder to say dad I just changed and I'm not like you I'm not going to play football the same way that you did and I was just awesome. I wish I was didn't feel it with time right but in retrospect, when everyone the I'm not like you and it just one of those moments where you where you go boy that came from somewhere deep there something in there that I need to pay attention to and so I spent the next season and not just during his football season but the next season really evaluating what is that me and what did you say to him next.

I don't think that's in the book, but I'd like to think something like go get them son way that you have the best I had was to get up and then I and I was coaching so I got out there and I was trying to coach and I noticed you know this. This probably wasn't gonna be his sport. He was one season, and the like that they're hitting me in the head. I thought that's the fun part. We were just wired differently. You admit very much so. And so it just caused me to step back and then interestingly enough, what I do for a living is I assess people strengths and so at the time. I asked him if you'd be willing to take an assessment and he did and the guy couldn't been more correct would totally opposite people right in your comment about people who are mechanical so he was the kid that with him. He was the kid and and funny story. Years later, my son, today's a journeyman electrician, which is hilarious because in my early days of college I took on the job of electrical work to pay the bills through school figure something out and I was about 18 months and I realize that either myself or someone at work was going to die if I can change me and and wires with fire and did not belong in the same place as I dropped out. So the fact that this guy ends up turning is in his profession very successfully is is one of those will back going back and lower left leg and had a right wing. We were like, we need to get feed them out of the house and take care the family site and thinking this job is not and whatnot have time for any house on fire somewhere, somehow. But you explain in the book to notice in your child the shining eyes.

What what did you mean by observing the shining so child is in that place of doing something that they really live that they derive energy from there. Is this glamour, you now and you notice that where they are doing something in their eyes are bright and their eyes are excited about whatever task or thing they're doing and we encourage families even as your kids are younger to begin watching for that and what week what we call that is now being fascinated with them being in a place of discovery mode all the time in our Beckley talk about how in the beginning when you bring your your babies how many you know you're just full of wonder you like. They can it be whether they can it be like when you know what traits are they can take on them were so excited and and throbbing man and so now as they get older, we sometimes lose that we we we borrowed that phrase from agenda by the name of Benjamin Zander so these the conductor of the Boston Solomonic orchestra and Ben would say the only way I can tell of my players are engaged is to look in their eyes. Many, and he dropped his quote he said if their eyes aren't shining. I get to ask myself who am I being that my players eyes are not shining and then he dropped even further is that hey parents when your children's eyes aren't shining you get to ask yourself what kind of parent am I being and it was one of those might drop moments of just 10. That's a whole different way that shape what am I doing that's causing my my kids eyes to be downcast and have I lost that fascination with this child.

My more frustrated with what they're doing because you as we describe the book from the early stages into toddlerhood. Your wonder who stole your baby and wondering why what what happened in my child. Another willful and sassy pushing back and embarrassing me in public to the place of okay. I can now start to reframe the fact that when I'm in control on the adult and to I get to start discovering who this child isn't statement about this apparent stop and not react when that child's, triggering you in those ways you just describe how you stop and see the good in that you take the child under one way to get help for us and one thing we have to do is literally stop and see them for who they are, not what they're doing because sometimes and even as adults we do this we had immature responses to things right and it's after-the-fact. In hindsight, that you got on How they can say that in the right way.

And so even our children do that right like in the back of her head. She's probably just wondering how does all work together and in her mind she's wanting to put the pieces together and I would say there's so there's just two answers that one is the power the pause right so the moment. Take the breath for the my about to say or do that this child is going to respond to. That's really hard. That sounds right to is the practice before the conditioning of my child cannot be perfect, which I was going to be who they're going to be and and so it's funny with our children so we have five of them that have passed the 15-year-old Mark we like to say that we are perfect that every child at 15 loses their mind and the Miller everyone aware of the daily house to yes were were were five or five are waiting on the 13-year-old bracing for the next round. But as we mature different groups through now we started to realize you know we know what's coming with teenage years. We understand that some of this is hormone induced behavior.

These people are experiencing life that they hadn't known before, and we can begin to look ahead and imagine how were going to respond out with Sierra. I think one of the powerful lessons we understood about her is that her goal wasn't to change her. Our goal is to help directors guide that energy because she wasn't being inauthentic. This was her. She is a leader she wants to engage she wants to challenge and if we can help her guide that we get to see that the wonderful woman she is today. There's there's a line and you know I think all of us as parents we experience as you start ask yourself what's wrong with my kid. You know, and you may have forgotten yourself at that age. That is typically what's going on you start ask a question and you gotta be really careful because it can come out and your demeanor toward the child and what's a better question that you should be asking rather what's wrong with my kid fill in the blank cell you know I want to bring up a scripture and it Psalm 139 and I love how it discusses how David presents that he was net together in a very intricate way. In his and his mother smiled and you know, for as I think to stop and just consider who is God making right now. What okay Lord help me see it because let's be real when you're in the moment.

As we all talked about and maybe there is a feeling of being disrespected by child or whatnot, and sometimes it's hard to to really see past it said really seek the Lord. I think that's super key even got it just asked the Lord for wisdom and he says he will get it and sell for Brandon and I know that's obviously and as Christian, something that that we take to heart that we believe that with our children. It's really key God who are thinking.

How can I help Stuart.person that you want, you know, I've heard that verse and I love the passage of Scripture never thought of it, though, in terms of God didn't finish knitting together in the womb. He still creating today that the great reminder, our guest today and Focus on the Family are AnnaLynne and Brandon Miller and were so glad you joined us for this really good insight about parenting. They have this book called play to their strengths. A new approach to parenting your kids as God made them, and will encourage you to get a copy of that from us.

The details are in the episode's you described a classic parenting issue I think is your daughter Maddie.

Now I get it. People are watching. I know you have your kids permission to share the stories I'm sure with with Maddie.

I think she brought home a see she was a student I had that same situation with Troy. I actually had to just release him from the tension that I said you know what it's okay if you get good beats can be okay and he looked at me and said really. I suggest that's just do your best, would have with Maddie. So Maddie handed me her six grade report card and like a parent who was a straight a student. I go to our and the first thing I see bright lights glaring at me see in math C in math and had to take a deep breath and take a swallow and go Madeleine, you got an A+ rating which she did. You did such a great job and so produce. I didn't even touch touch to see A+ a reading Madeleine do you like to read and so Madeleine looks back at me. She was I that love to read. Sometimes you mom think you're putting me to bed at night and morning reading I and I said okay so I have an idea about this summer I'm going to hire you to do a job. She looks back with big eyes, realistic him to pay you to read. We can go get as many books you want from the library. We can order them with the goal that every book you read and do a book report will pay you hundred paid books.

You get a dollar, 200 you get $2.03 hundred and where you get a bonus five dollars. The book report has to be turned in on Monday and I'll pay you in cash so never talk I gave you all ask people what you think happened and they'll say you bought math books are good now. I didn't buy math books for her to read now I let her choose and she read. She read the quality of the book report got better.

So what I was doing is feeding Maddie's energies feeding the place that is a little overconfidence at the end of the summer I went back to the see him. Maddie what you think about doing some math tutoring as you go into your junior high. It's gonna it's gonna elevate here what you think. Sure, no problem. We did some tutoring to today. I would say Madeleine doesn't love math, that's probably not an area where she's going to focus. However, she's she's she's competent she can do her part, because when we play to strengths we watch happen as kids growing confidence you watch competence, grow, and then creativity is what you get back our reserves to go at the areas where they do need certain things in life, even if they're not strong in it. They will need these. Math is one of them, and yet with provided some energy to go out yeah that is great. Dr. Ben Carson. He said that's the reason is a neurosurgeon. His mom paid him for book reports, and that's where he said he learned so much information. Who knows who you have on your head.

That's right that's right Van Wheatley public it's products that forever report card so we have children who are straight a student.

Our youngest boys.

One is on a roll every time printable list. The other one.

It really struggles school is hard for him and what we learn with the annual is that if we let Daniel, who by the way is our star athlete had literally no parenting.

You know you number seven so this is not just us everything he's been on his bed and MVP. Everything is amazing to watch and see where it goes. Only 11 but he struggles in school, but we found is that if we took time to let him go expresses energy play basketball government affably likes to dance we give them time to do that and then ask him to school. We get a better school outcome if we for school first and try to put more time there. We get a kid that cries we dedicate this restaurant and that's knowing your child's bent. In fact you identified five fees that can help parents discern what their child's strengths are. I think that's a good place for us to inform parents because some parents are probably asking, I'm not even sure that I know what the three strengths of my child might be. We definitely will say well we know three weaknesses I think were better at that than knowing the strengths of one of the five fees. Agosto number one is enthusiasm. What is it that your kid looks forward to.

They will make that they will stay until two in the morning doing it, even without asking. So enthusiasm can be pretty obvious it's what they talk about clearly where their eyes light up number two what comes easy. So I daughter Madeleine going back to her that she loves it to bake the cook and so when they Wheatley Emily comes home. Madeleine had made cream puffs literally mom thought they might like this and I when asked about it for baking, cooking, and were when we leave town. Madeleine is the go to sub for cooking, and she's the one that comes to her. She appearing on very good meal prep loves it does a great job will see what her culinary future looks like number three parents.

This is the kicker excellence. This is standout performance above standard but you don't get to be the judge parent. This requires third-party validation is required other people to tell you your child stands out your child won the award date.

They clearly have that ability is the third clue because you can have the first two without the third and we like to say without excellence is probably a hobby and that's cool let you kick a garden until tomatoes if they want, that's fine. They may enjoy it well enough, but excellence is a distinguish her for strength and number four energy will be loved about this one is that you can watch that energy increase that after the activity instead of diminished. So it's really right that which brings them up instead of season depleted, so they'll actually show great stamina keep coming back and that's with the fifth one enjoyment. This is where the gift of resilience comes what will they keep doing it when it's hard in the kitchen. A clue is apparent where you can apply some pressure because if you see the first for the fifth one is where no working to finish the piano lessons because I see the first floor just because it's getting hard.

We don't let up working to keep pushing through because that's where you can watch them really emerge.

Those areas of greatness when I think that you know that's good if it's obvious, and it sounds very appropriate. Those five fees when it's not so obvious or when your child has deficits will what it is apparent to you know recognize the deficit and encourage them.

I mean, you mention what you did with the math class that was good, but are there other examples of the deficit and management sent Danielle he he is one that that struggles in and some of the schooling and what we have found is that Brandon mentioned he gains a lot of energy from doing certain things. So we've kind of reverse EM tutoring with basketball self-hate go shoot hoops for Tina set a limit go shoot hoops or 15 minutes. Come back in and read a chapter and sell you just you Wheatley switched at Thomas because it used to always be no fine and tell because he loves the ramifications of Daniel's game if I kid. So what we did is we found a program to help is reading where they turn into a game, so he does this online tutoring where he wants no kinds of pain that I would buy connecting the words so as they game a fight. The learning he piqued his interest because he wants to to be in front will what we've watch this is one of the gifts of Cova to our family is that we didn't have the extracurricular options and so we were able to invest additional time he was he was game because he thought all this is fun. I'm enjoying this. We have watched his reading increase four levels in six lines. While that's easy because all of a sudden Wheatley tapped into another part of the strengths of one of the ways we think about overcoming a weaknesses what strength can we cult we call life hack right what strength can we hack into that we can pull from to help in an area that that he's going to need to get a need reading. And so that's one of the ways we think about overcoming strength is her a weak area leverages strength to fill the deficit yeah that that makes total sense. Let's review some of the common lies that you say parents believe about children. For example, my kid can be anything if they work hard enough, I would like to believe in me. I think it's a nice statement of it all the time. Is it accurate. Dad know it so so we follow an author by the name of Tom Rath and Tom is is known for saying this is that this is a myth that if you just work hard if you can be better. Well, in reality there so many things we know some of these we don't know when a whole bunch more. We don't know we don't. And in reality were working hard might lead to a good solid mediocre solid great job. You're right in the middle and and what we suffer from and are in our country and really globally is that we've many people that arrive in adulthood that take on jobs and they find themselves in this place called disengagement to Smith. I just cut in the middle of its kind here because I need a paycheck and and when we shift the focus tickets and let's really find out those things you do that you excel in all the sudden hard work takes on a different meaning hard work at elevates and exponentially increases your outcome. Yeah, I mean that is really important to know how to manage well right that you've observed an identity crisis in our world today. Explain why you urge parents to counter that by declaring God's truth over their kids on a regular basis and what I the shorter version of this is making sure your your children understand their identity in Christ. That's really what you're talking about.

Yes and I for Brandon. I you now realizing that it's important for us. Obviously, as the parents take out okay will first of all, how do we see ourselves right because it starts with asked how does God see asked and then translating that to our children and helping them realize that they were created for a purpose that they were created to do good works that they actually all have beauty within man to be shared with the world and the world means that each and every one of them and it looks different in the world needs every different part of you and so it just changes our perspective and we talked that in the back of email and of putting passages that really speak to you speak to your family and posting on and talking about them and filling your children with those truths so that it anchors them absolutely would like to think that if it were going to encourage your kids to be their very best to do that to God's glory right due to where you're not just being amazing, for the sake of all eyes on you. And if that happens, fantastic high-fives all around, enjoy and celebrate what God is done because if we are created in his image were created to bring glory than the opportunity for us is to clear that truth over kids as Christian parishes say you have within you visit this divine greatness at all of us have it. Let's find it help you be that person and then just remember were to give the credit what a great place that in you right there. This is the high side apparently yelling what your child needs you to do is their mom and dad and I think this is been great and very instructive play to their strengths in a wonderful book and I'd say get a copy of it right here from Focus on the Family will send you the copy as our website. Thank you. If you can send a gift of any amount and if you can afford it will get it in your hands and trust others will cover the cost of that. But this is one of those tools I say it often were not going to do things that we don't think will benefit you as a parent. This is one of those resources you really need to help you in your parenting journey yet donate today and get a copy of this book play to their strengths.

When you call us are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or the link is in the episode notes and we do have a parenting assessment for you online when you're at the websites. Take that, it's just five or six minutes long. It really is a very helpful tool. Brandon and aniline.

Thank you so much for being with us. This is great stuff. Thank you for having us stand.

Thank you and coming up next time will be talking about what happens when addiction impacts your family. Nobody ever starts out saying hey I want to be an addict work that way and it's like the person. Well, now I wanted to be an alcoholic. No addiction is two things settle in its sneaky and then it gets a stronghold on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ parent are you looking for an informative and encouraging and engaging resource for your teen daughter. Check out the new and improved free magazine from us on the family double the original size like format trusted biblically-based magazine provides teen girls with ring stories cultural insight and positive role model teen girl lived out subscribed real magazine.com real men using.com