Understanding Your Teen's Behavior (Part 1 of 2)

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Working together we can provide hope to more marriages like hers. Please give generously@focusonthefamily.com/real family Dr. Jeremy Clark shares a situation that's pretty common in his home with one of his teenage daughters. I have one daughter that literally will come home and there's a shoe in, and then another shoe in, and there's a socket and there's a sock in the lives of a backpack and then there's a a rapper to the popcorn and then there's popcorn bag and then as she will get a little time I can get frustrated like how many times we have to say pick up after supper and identity that whatever well we know the adolescent brain needs scaffolding it we need to help them build to their maturity, will you be hearing more from our guest today about your teen and their brain development and how to help them build good foundation. This is Focus on the Family your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and on John Fuller, John, here's a thought. Today were going to learn what's going on inside the brain of our teenagers, which I think every parent should be interesting and as a dad let me tell you have two young men. I'm looking forward to hearing this current conversation so I can learn more Cicely what is going on in my two boys brains that were going to talk with Dr. Jeremy and Jerusha Clark and they bring it they are experts. I might add in this area of team development. It's very informative and I'm sure their parents who are saying what's going on with my teenager. If you're not normal? If your normal urine asked the question what's happening is a lot of brain chemistry changes. That's what's going on physiological changes, emotional changes, hormonal changes, all those things. It's what makes the teenage years so difficult to cope as a teenager and then as a parent trying to help them cope as that teenage and today we want to equip you so you can better understand where they're at where they're coming from and how to be more effective in your parenting strategies with your teen. A great resource to help is the book written by our guests called your teenager is not crazy and that we do have copies of that. The details are in the episode notes and Jeremy Clark served as a youth pastor for 17 years.

He's now a pastor to ministry leaders through standing stone ministry located in Costa Mesa, California and Jerusha is a writer and speaker and along with Jeremy they have two teen girls of the round. Let's go ahead and listen in now on this conversation on today's episode of Focus on the Family.

Jeremy and Jerusha welcome to focus having Andrew say you were actually here. You talk about postpartum depression price seven years ago. So thanks for coming back.

It was a powerful program and we appreciate your openness in that environment to share those things with us today were to crack open all those brain science which obviously John are very interested in law along with about a million other listeners right now before we get in there. You do speak to a lot of teenagers and have for many years. What do teenagers tell you in that kind of an event format were made you come to church and you're doing the teen night in the lineup to talk with you and I know what that feels like as I've done a bit of that. One of the tell you that maybe they're not telling their parents such a great question and in fact we structured the entire book based on things that teenagers face in the first chapter is you don't understand that chapters like why are you freaking out what you expect from me. I can't take this. I hate my life.

We reject that teenagers would say to as many errors. The focal points of each chapter and what was remarkable was that we were able to see biologically in each chapter, something that was occurring and then find different dimensions that worked into the relationship aspect between parents and their children and family, spiritual truth, there was not one time when I was not an application from Scripture that was so exciting to rest because it really was a holistic approach and instead of having to read multiple books on the subject. We tried to bring everything to the parents so they could know what's going on physiologically, psychologically and spiritually in one but yeah this is a terrific resource affect gene when I was going over the prep and reading the book over the last few days to bring that one home. I really know I got a home run make sure I get that.

So let's talk about the science of let's get into that for a minute and then will come back to some your stories but it's the broadsides the amygdala and the development of the brain and the systems that are going on that really impacted puberty moment you know when that prepubescent child is now moving into puberty what's happening while leading neuroscientist I discovered this just about 12 tops me 15 years ago that as they could image and look at the brain that the brain from 11 about 11 girls and 12 and half in boys the adolescent brain begins to prune from the back to the front, in this pruning is significant and as the brain prunes major things happening and it can account for the erratic behavior that you'd experience in your adolescence life and so as the brain from the back to the front begins to prune what is what you mean by pruning as they do know is that the shedding of brain cells or what else actually very interesting because in late childhood. There's a radical and explosive growth. They call it hybridization kind of similar to a tree growing new branches and then at this as shifting point as Jamie was mentioning there begins to be specialization, so the pruning is actually the process of the brain moving toward adulthood.

So it really is a use it or lose that time. Interesting right so as a young person begins to go through this process, it can often be very confusing for them very much confusing for parents.

I felt like I was an All-Star of young toddlers will my girls were little.

I would race home to see them. I'd open the door and I heard these issue these little screams and said they would run down all and hug my leg. I just would play with them until they went to bed. I felt like I was an All-Star at that point and then things changed and it began to get difficult for me and I began to feel frustrated that I didn't have that kind of relationship with them anymore, and this research has given me great clarity into what's happening with my teen daughters.

I don't have to just white knuckle. This time I can keep growing, but it's those underlying things and this is what I love about your book your your helping parents better understand what's going on in the mind literally of your teenager and that's what I love. Jerusha, you mention something with your old us when she turned 12. You begin to feel apprehensive, so now that what was going on, Bill, Jeremy and I had worked with teenagers for many years I started realizing how fearful I was at the teenage years people make such a big deal of how difficult it is and all you've got teenagers now and 17 with a lot of fear and I have to take that to the Lord and ask for help and peace and one of the ways because he's wired me to investigate and be curious. That's one of the reasons that I jumped into this research, I needed to know because I didn't want to just type through these years I wanted to actually enjoy them as much as what you mean. Again, some people listening don't have a relationship with the Lord is one of the great things I appreciate about the radio program job not everybody is there.

Describe what that means when you pray to the Lord.

What did you actually received back that begin to give you greater confidence that your fear began to dissipate. What was tangible in that regard, I'm glad you paid your finger on that and just to let you know in the book.

We very much tied to bridge the gap between those who maybe have how to relationship with God for many years, and those who currently are questioning.

I certainly teenagers will question you. With regards to my own relationship and how that worked well as I was beginning to feel that pain in my stomach uncomfortable nervous feeling and when I take my tears and lay them down and see I can't do this on my own. I receive God's peace and by his profound email exhibit a for evidence of a relationship with God actually changing things because it dies night I genuinely felt as he took those cares from me as I let them go and it's hard not to keep going back and grabbing him again.

But as I let the skylight data experience. He calls it the peace that passes understanding really doesn't make a lot of sense when it comes to teenagers. You think I need to be. You said it very well. That's the shalom of God the peace of God, and that's what so much of the world desperately needs, especially parenting because there is a chaotic world out there, but it is the peace of God that allows you to get through so much of the so if your man if you're struggling you don't know what to do and you don't have a relationship with Christ. Call us talk to us about that today that's kind of the bedrock we can help you with your family issues, but if we don't introduce you to Jesus Christ as man. We have missed the mark. So do that.

Be bold enough to call us today and talk to our counselors talk to our phone folks about what it means to have a relationship with Christ. Let me come back now to parenting teens which should drive you to relationship so true you break the book down into multiple segments. Like you said one of them is a statement John, I'm sure you've never heard in your household.

You and Dena teenager leave me alone. I may have been just the other night.

One of my boys that is long free. As I go to: because I just think that's fun.

I do the opposite. But what is a teenager expressing when they're expressing leave me alone. Some of the radical changes that are happening in the brain are both physically and emotionally exhausting for teenagers so they actually do need space and his parents. I think it's important to recognize that I kind of downplayed the physiological aspects that were going on. But as I researched them as Jamie and I discussed family realized we do actually need to get our kids space and this is where the important principle of discernment comes in because there are times that we need to push in and not allow our kids to push us away there other times we need to leave them alone and so using discernment is so key. In fact, the two watchwords press and hold back our compassion and discernment. The word used most often to describe Jesus's emotions in the Gospels's complexion and says parents having the compassion for our teenagers that are going through these radical changes and also the discernment to be able to see when to speak when to be silent, and he is just, you know, Ecclesiastes, say there's a time for everything and not to live and die in a snake.

She said one of the most difficult things as parents we fail to remember this is that there's usually underlying issues.

When the baby is small and infant. The reason the cries or uncomfortable something is wrong. They're hungry they have a wet diaper. They're trying to express in the best way they know how we choose to cry because I can speak to tell you I'm in need of some attention and of course you can apply that rule all the way up to a five-year-old or 10-year-old and a 15-year-old. So I think what you're saying here and some of this brain transition is it's a teenagers cry to say I'm changing. I don't know what's going on.

I don't know why I yelled at you, dad.

That is so true it's so reviewing this whole research for my daughter will sit down and try to get to the core of some issues, but oftentimes she really doesn't know how to express herself. She doesn't understand really what's going on within her own brain and in her own life and her own motion, and so for us. One of the best things we can do during those moments is not continued to follow him down the hallway and into their bedroom.

Sometimes it's okay to let them go and sometimes even for me as a parent to let them have the last word. All mind snuck in and the world by allowing my 15-year-old daughter to have the last word germ you mentioned that whole thing about step back, take a deep breath. We don't naturally do that. What triggers to use as parents both of you to do that you have to teen girls you're in the middle of it. So now you're experiencing. It is not theoretical for you any longer. Speaking to parents groups or teens about teenagers you're in it with your own teens. So how do you do it how you say because your flash just wants to move in that direction. Let me tell you, son. This is why you need to take out the garbage and I told you 25 times and I don't want to tell you. 26 times you and you gotta say okay that's not working that stupidity the definition of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result. So how do we become more effective, more Christlike in our parenting while we understand first comes through just understanding. Do you know that the perspective memories of adolescence is developing meaning it's hard for them to determine in advance what they should do they they are costly thinking in the moment, but it's hard for them to assess what what I should do right now for something in the future so we get exhausted by repeating ourselves, but if I know that if I know that my adolescence brain is developing unevenly and at times it would have to keep reminding them. It takes some pressure off of me and gives me a greater compassion for where there at that. I have one daughter that literally will come home and there's a shoe in, and then another shoe and then there's a socket and there's a socket and there's a backpack and then there's a wrapper to the popcorn and then there's popcorn bag and then there's me.

I can get frustrated like how many times we have to say pick up after supper and edited it at whatever while we know the adolescent brain need scaffolding literally it we need to help them build to their maturity and something that we often say to one another knock I have the most incredible partner right here.

My wife and we are in it together, married 18 years and we sit better together. It's me and you against the world, even against our kids will say we say hey you have an adult brain. Use it. We have parents have the ability to be mature to be well season to hold their motion to let the ark fall to rise, get frustrated, but let it fall, we can we can be mature and not enter in, so we we want to rise above so those are some of the things it will look at each other because is much as I can know the research we still blow it places you give each other permission to call each other out privately about really not fact that a little inappropriate will absolutely grab my arm and whisper in my ear. Why is he about that brain science shows that a male's brain is fully formed until 50 years old 24.a lot of that seems white. Even at that 24 is the actual research but little tongue-in-cheek, but the development of the brain.

What's developing that takes 24 years in a male brain and I'm not sure with the female brain is 2023 for young women actually thought portion of the brain that is the final frontier maturation is the executive functioning at the brain and CEO called the prefrontal cortex and it's located right behind your forehead. So don't bang your head yes exactly no the teenage brain as it is pruned. Like we mentioned earlier, it's also been what's called my Lenny Mylan is acts like insulation on a liar when you're eating and doing electrical work. You insulate the wire so that the electricity can go down faster will the brain has a similar function with myelin sheaths. It allows the transmission of thoughts to go quicker and more specialized.

So, that's actually the process that finishes around 23 for girls in between 24 and 25 for some young men even 27 that's kind of the outside so we waited and waited and Blake was wonderful to see the differences in the book we have chapter devoted individually to both that female brain, and the male brain for adolescents wonderful to see what God does and why it takes a little bit longer for young man that would answer the why part please. There are a lot of parents wondering why is so vicious what's wrong with you again the compassion aspect.

If you consider that a young man and experiences an increase of testosterone between the ages of 10 and 20, 30 times the amount of child during rush just to secure your compassion alone and because the testosterone works with other brain structures. Specifically what you mentioned earlier, the amygdala, deceit and fear emotionally charged memories because is not in the hypothalamus to grow larger and young man so it takes longer for their brains to become accustomed to perceiving threats to understanding risk versus benefit all those things are wonderful because and here's the why because I may need to be brave men need to be courageous and God is giving them opportunities to test and try that and I think it's a beautiful thing. Is it frustrating and confusing for parents. Yes. Can we have greater discernment, compassion, understanding these things going on absolutely so I think what Jeremy was pointing to is that it doesn't remove the parental motion were still there to feel frustrated and confusing, but we can choose not to go with those emotions when there's so many things you're saying that my brain is sparking thinking about the feminization of poisonous cultures. The fact that this is in their wiring the aggressiveness, the exploration, the desire to climb a tree that is dangerous and were all yelling don't do that and it's really been driven by the bright side suddenness that something remembers. You gotta let the kids explore. You gotta love them test the edges. That's where they gain confidence and better understand who they are.

That definitely describes the boys brain. Let's give the girls some do hear what's happening for the teenage girl with her brain development in terms of size, and other things, one of the most fascinating things is that girls brain and the increase in progesterone interacts with the stress hormone called cortisol, so when a stressful thing happens in a girl's brain to progesterone in her brain makes it more difficult for her to calm down. There really is a reason why girls tend to have more drama than boys so as a parent, one of the things that you can do is allow the girl to calm down and say you know give her some space allow critical in her room and as Jamie mentioned earlier don't fuel the emotion and emotion rise and fall right eventually. It takes about 30 minutes. They say that the 90 seconds for the calming down because once cortisol is released in the brain. It takes a while for it to connect. In fact, in both girls and boys brain and that reaction is inverse to adults. So whereas our brain as adults releases a chemical called THP to counteract cortisol in teenagers. THP is ineffective and in fact it can sometimes have the reverse effect and cause escalating stress so we really even though we feel we look at them and think you can handle this.

We really have to look with compassion and say okay they need fewer stresses and so as a parent of a teen girl and you you recognize this this is what's happening on in that moment. What's a good thing to say.

Let's take a break for 3045 minutes and let's talk about this again yet don't continue the conversation. Don't minimize try to empathize.

So for instance wanted to stresses that may come up is there's a huge debt on her for head before homecoming and you're like it's really not a big deal. It is a big deal to her. The stress that comes for a young woman. Don't minimize those things all you get over it will be back to get a deal.

Just use concealer don't minimize empathize that must be really hard for you honey just brings it down one level, I can understand why that would be really frustrating.

Is there anything I can do to help takes it down another level. Yes, just these calm taking a step back.

One after another instead of adding fuel to the fire, you mentioned in the book your teenagers not crazy about the need for parents to surrender their need to be right okay out how this is our battle right. That's the point. So how do you coach a parent not to gravitate that my need to be right and especially black and white thinkers. You know my wife's a biochemist. She's right most of the tell you I just ran into one of our members a church and he was having a fight with his son whose happens to be 14 and they were just going out of this argument with one another and the dad was so involved in the argumentation and just so frustrated it's all psyche couldn't stand out far enough to recognize just what was going on. The sons just exploring life. He's curious he's doubting he's questioning everything and so for us as parents to encourage other parents to allow kids to explore, allow kids to disagree allow kids to challenge you there trying to explore the world and press into that don't just stop it. But one of things I try to do, and I leave lots of teams and ministries try to practice yes and instead of no no.

Just always stopping somebody and pressing them in a different direction.

I try, think, yes, and how do I step into these conversations without crushing their spirits without quenching the fire that's within of the curiosity and the creativity know that I think parents want to be right and at the very core of it.

I think my issue for me is respect. I have an idol of respect in some we talk about the nine dollars at a reasonable requirement well all things that are made ultimate things mean perspective is a good thing.

But when you make it the ultimate thing that's when it becomes an idol so yes, our children should prospectus something very biblical idea and get respect for our own comfort or our security or our peace. Those can all become idols as we allow them to become the defining characteristics of our life like our teachers are going to make us uncomfortable. And if we are looking for our life to be comfortable above everything else, then we can have trouble so I think helping parents and we teach parenting seminars. We talk about recognizing this in our own lives.

What kind of idols are we defending in our lives potentially because that informs everything that happens with our kids. If I'm defending this idol of respect. And I think everything they say everything that comes out of their mouth is disrespecting me that I'm defending that and I have this expectation that they will just walk around and treat me as King. That's a problem. So maybe this is true this is. You guys we have covered a little bit of this, there is so much to go into and I'm not even sure well done and the couple days but let's continue to roll through come back next time and pick up on this disrespect issue. Maybe little role-playing because those of us in parenting room. I think John you know I could come up with a few phrases of disrespect that referred in our lives and have you come back about how we as parents should be.

Think about this how we took a deep breath. When your child shows you disrespect. I think the other thing is certainly peer pressure when you have friction within the teen relationship with parents can push teams into relationships that are unhealthy and they find comfort in their friendships because the expectations aren't there. I can just be relaxed and worry about grades and my people love me and I don't feel loved by my parents. What's good and all that next time. Yes, please contact us for copy by our guests.

Your teenager is not crazy learn about how you can be more effective is apparently understanding those physiological changes that are going on inside of them are number here is 800 the letter a in the word family and you can find the book and other resources. You'll find a link in the episode notes and I know you're going to want to read this book and we want to make it available and if you can give a gift of any amount to focus will send it to you as our way of saying thank you.

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