Cherishing Your Spouse Every Day

Ken spends a lot of time away from home working on the pipeline in Alaska, but our podcast has become his wife, one on the family help my marriage by leaps and bounds so much meat and potatoes. Think about people's ground, ground I Jim Daly together we can bring real hope to marriages like kids gift today@focusonthefamily.com/real families thing I want my kids to know I cherish your mom is not enough. We made it to 36 years of marriage I want to be able to say when I die, he cherished her for 50 years or 60 years.

Love is good is Ray love and cherish is even better. How does that sound to you, that's Gary Thomas explaining how to take your marriage beyond the duty of to the higher goal of actually cherishing your spouse. Thanks for joining us today.

This is Focus on the Family with focus, Pres. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. We fed Gary Thomas on this broadcast several times and I always appreciate how he inspires me to do better in my relationship with my wife Jean and that's a great benefit of doing this job right the experts we do and the challenges going home and putting into place everything is often Jean I'll get home and say we need to do this. It's okay to talk with today were going to share a prerecorded message from Gary and it's a great overview of his book called cherish the one word that changes everything for your marriage and I'd like to encourage you to get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family, where the proceeds go right back into ministry there not profits right and you can order your book.

Cherish we got the details in the show notes in order to start this message.

After some opening remarks here now is Gary Thomas speaking at an event sponsored by Focus on the Family. Wayne Williams grew up a Chicago Cubs fan that was his dad's favorite team. It was his childhood and his father would listen to the games they went throughout the car driving around town occasionally visit games, watching on television. If you know anything about major league baseball you know that for years been a Chicago Cubs fan was an exercise in frustration and futility been over 100 years. Is it been back to the World Series.

But Wayne and his dad made a pledge as good fans do when when the cubbies made it back to the World Series they would listen to the games together. Wayne would've had it any other way. It was just a part of his childhood. He could wanting to experience the World Series without his dad.

There so the cops finally made it back in 2016. It was a bittersweet moment for Wayne it was sweet to the cubbies are back in the big show.

It was better because this can be very difficult for Wayne to keep that pledge.

He now lives in North Carolina that was located all the way in Indiana, but Wayne grew up believing if you make a promise you keep a promise. We traveled all the way from North Carolina to Indiana and another thing that made it a little more difficult is that Wayne's dad had actually passed away some years Wayne felt like that pledge still matters. We traveled Indiana set up his camp. Share on his father's grave turn on his phone and Wayne and his father listen to the Cubs win the World Series together. Now I don't know if that story is you is much as it moves me with the thought that a guy would keep his promise that was just a sentimental promise from my childhood, my dad not even still lie. It doesn't better, but he would still fill his word mattered moves me, and perhaps it moves me because God challenge me with the promise I made to completely renew my marriage.

I thought I'd already had a pretty good marriage got reminded me of a pledge I made to my wife over 36 years ago, pledge, probably most of you may use traditional vows, and I promise to love and to cherish until death do us part.

Notify last time I ever thought of the word cherish and never never entered my mind again spoke a lot about love notebooks talking about love and marriage and I would speak on seminars and in the last session would be on love and I really believe God is doing a new movement where he wanted me to understand and what it means to cherish my wife learn to put it into practice. And as it works begin to share with others.

And as we did. Even though I said my wife and I thought we already had a pretty good marriage doing that raising the bar from just love to love and cherish lifted us to an entirely new level of delight in our relationship now mom is still the foundation of marriage is sacrifice service hanging in their loyalty, commitment, every marriage needs that would cherish well so you can, from the bread the substance of the relationship cherish is the jam. It's what makes bread, delicious, and here's what I wanted. I thought that maybe what God was up to that we don't justify marriages by they made it to 50 years or six years as Paul Harvey used to say some of them even 70 years, but they would be qualitative years not just measuring our marriages by their quantity, but as a Christian church modeling to the world that we seek a particular quality and cherish could be that platform. It could be that bar that we look that we evaluate ourselves as we seek to raise our marriage for me.

The big difference is that love focuses me on my obligation.

I need to sacrifice. I need to serve. I need to be faithful cherish focuses me on the beauty, the excellence, the worth the wonder of my spouse as though she doesn't think I'm there just because I made a promise and I'm trying to hold to a dad. I'm learning to train my mind and my heart to see the wonder of who she is. The wonder that maybe want to marry her in the very first place. I think the cherish is essential not just if you want to give your wife or your husband Ashley.

Her one of the super marriage action in pursuing chairs is essential to not slip back into contempt. The reason is this.

We don't live in a neutral world as fallen people in a fallen world we live in a world that assaults our affections for each other on a daily basis.

We can have an All-Star weekend in life happens. Shortly after my wife and I became empty-nesters.

We got to spend a weekend with my youngest daughter. She was back up in Phillies we traveled from Houston and we knew would be a fun weekend. Kelsey's our last born. She's a classic extrovert. Just a lot of fun to be around or we knew we have a lot of fun. We also knew would be a meaningful relational time. Those of you are empty-nesters know that when the kids go away just love the thought of getting spend an entire weekend with them so so it was a great weekend.

It was firing on all cylinders met a fun time. The relational time. The romantic time just determines it is when those also because I wanted to take that Philadelphia feeling and bring it back to Houston right just kinda keep that glow and the challenge was a very next morning we had the first flight out of Philly back to Houston as a concession for my wife. I had a full day of work ahead is not a problem for me to get up early.

I sort of like him farm animal that I get up so early and first number is usually a four when I wake up my wife is definitely not a morning person so I've been up for a couple hours that already had my caffeine and Lisa was getting up and I wanted to make sure we made it to the plane on time because I believe in boundaries right. I believe you leave enough time so that if every light is red and you get a flat tire and the plane leaves on time. You're still there.

You left boundaries.

Unfortunately my wife doesn't believe in boundaries my wine pleasing divine intervention. As long as God knows she really intended to leave on time. She really tried hard to make every light green will hold the plane at the gate he knows are good pensions, and I didn't want to pressure well I'm not clinically OCD.

I live in the neighborhood right next door to it. I know they can be obnoxious and I didn't want to lose his Philadelphia feelings. I was trying to be as gentle as it could. What I think we can leave pretty soon and she said taxis out front. While I'm shocked how she get up early in order that is fantastic so I just sent a chill down my phone and email for five minutes she sits up the suitcases. I suitcases to call the taxi said no you said the taxes are out front was knowing I said call the front desk see if there's a taxi out front of theirs not have a mortar between you and me. I heard for syllables taxis out front. I'm a morning person. She's not Ida had caffeine she had filling in a court of law. I'm win-win. This marital discussion, but I didn't want to.

When I wanted to keep his Philadelphia feeling all the way to Houston and so we have a silly way of dealing with it actually did work we just put our arguments in the third person so were walking toward the elevator and I go to my wife and you know what it's like in your marriage but in my marriage. One thing that makes it difficult, if my wife wakes up early and hasn't had her caffeine again for syllables to get an encyclopedia of information out of it that I want to please your budget hard for me to do this is yeah that sounds like a be difficult for you is not nearly as difficult as what I have in my marriage as it really hasn't. I have a husband who doesn't carefully but he thinks he does. As I give them very clear directions and he doesn't pick him up and then it's all my fault and I said yeah that sounds like it would be more difficult, which because that's how the exercise always ends in this tipping off the start. But here's the thing if I were to ask you what makes your marriage difficult. Nobody in here would have saved me 10 minutes. I can think of something you know immediately. Because every marriage is difficult is when some of you are I will call on you and you can tell the entire room.

What's difficult about being married to the person you're here with because it JUST the reality of marriage and so cherishing help us push back against that difficulty and remember why we married our spouse. Why we celebrate our spouse in the first place. And is it possible to get there.

I truly believe it is because the perfect God who cherishes be in perfect is more than capable of inspiring us equipping us and empowering to cherish our imperfect spouse and how do we get there first thing we have to do is to remember our promise. I said I would cherish her am I doing what I already committed to do what you said you would cherish her husband are you doing that. Husbands, wives want more than simply hearing. I love you. They want to be chairs and wants on the songs for now you have: my heart my sister my brother you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes. They want to know men and they still have that hold on is that there's something about seeing him in a crowd that just makes us short and where I was so convicted by the Lord as I realized if I don't learn to cherish my spouse and continue to practice cherishing my spouse she will never be a cherished wife. I'm the only one that can do that one thing that shocked me after I'd gone to this for a ways I was working in my office for couple hours. I heard Lisa waking up and the best way to describe it is my heart left, I began to cherish Lisa because I believe God convicted me to do it. He said I made a promise I wanted to be obedient like all of God's commands last when we do on and I realize it makes sense when you learn to cherish your spouse. The fact that they're awake and you get to interact with them that makes you excited.

Is your favorite person in the world is now awake. It wasn't like that. The first 10 years of our marriage was like that. The first 20 years of our know why your husbands want to hear to another to be suspicious of the word cherish when I would interview guys was writing the book is almost like draft turn in my man card if I say I want to be cherished. You know what they want. The concept pastor I know was traveling with seven men. These were all leaders in his church.

Men that the whole church looked up to families of all church would look up to you wanted to figure out what was going on with these marriages. He said guys how many of your wives love you all seven hands went up that he said this, how many of your wives like you all seven hands went down every man felt loved.

Not one felt cherished their attitude was she's a good Christian woman shall be true to me. She's not believe me but it best on tolerate and what that does women it creates an entirely different dynamic in marriage. After cherish it just come out.

I was speaking at this large church somehow is not very often I got is sick as I've ever been. By God's grace. I rarely gets the which is good. We try to set your schedule, your advanced but I barely got to the event and then I was in a hotel room with me so that night and you know how when the fever breaks you start to shiver and your so cold and just kinda shivering there in bed and Lisa starts to pull me close exit hunting want you getting it sick. This is awful and she simple.

Aren't you cold ice and yeah she pulls me closer and says I gotta get you warm. Sounds gross to the younger couples but wise, let me ask you a husband, let me ask you, what will the wife do for a man that truly cherishes her in a world where she's probably taken for granted by her kids judged by a lot of friends just ignored by so much of the world as she goes out of whatever, but when she comes on the minute she knows truly cherishes her. What will she do for that man my friends whatever she has to do for his welfare and was what you think a man will do for a wife that he knows truly cherishes him in a world a competitive world, where he often doesn't measure up where he might get fired. He might be losing his mojo as he gets older and his hair and all the other stuff that goes on and yet he comes home, and here's a woman that doesn't tolerate and she cherishes and what will he do for whatever he has to do for her welfare. So what are the one his stepsisters difficult dreaded challenge of a book and 20 minutes are encapsulated. Here's one thing that is so crucial. It begins with the new mindset. Romans 12 to says this be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

If I want to begin to cherish my spouse. I have to find a mental image that makes me maintain that right approach of thinking about my spouse and I want to go back to the Garden of Eden is my think is so powerful for brief slice of time. He was literally the only woman in the world. There was no one. Adam compared to a concert where her hair is thick, but she's not as athletic as that water funny is that one day in the same thing was true that Adam was literally the only man in the world he couldn't say well yeah is not very relationally involving got a good sense of humor is not as athletic or's hard work that one Adam defined for Eve and Eve define for Adam. What a man is an even more when a man or woman is supposed to be and if I wanted cherish my spouse I have to have this attitude where look at my wife as being the only woman in the world. Comparisons stops comparison is the opposite of cherishing comparison leads to contempt because what we do is we compare our spouses weaknesses to another spouses strengths and ideas as why do we do that it never held. I know you've done at the other negatively compared your spouse mentally for 10 or 15 minutes and then you ever end up saying I feel so happy right now. I assume was more joy I feel so much more to know about me still do it. I love to read the Christian Classics and one of the writers had a beautiful image of how everything in creation is just an imperfect shadow because only God has everything in totality. Example using nature would be for example a blackbird beautiful voice. Not much to look at a peacock annoying voice, beautiful bird in the same way you look at trees and one tree will give you grapefruit is good if you're hungry you don't build a house with a fruit tree you go to in the forest to get number as is everything in creation shows you there's just nothing that's complete. If we allow that to be true in marriage.

We recognize we can only find God to be holy totally complete so we stopped comparing our spouse if we married a peacock. We are so into peacock's if we married a blackbird. We are thankful for blackbird.

We make this commitment to contentment songs song 69 guys, this is what every wife wants to experience my dove, my perfect one is the only one comparison is stopped by.

Cherish you is to have this exclusive attitude is speaking at a sacred marriage conference one time that a big church and we are running late. They came into the greenroom this agaric can open the church doors until you come out and do my check was got to do it this okay so I'm rushing there, my wife sitting at the table.

She couldn't be here tonight I'll get into that in just a moment this morning and it but if you'd matter. She just looks freakishly young one time she's in the book table and somebody said you must be so proud of your daddy said I have a hidden write these books right so it kinda sense what this woman says those middle-age loci went by lease.

I didn't have time to stop somewhere.

So it's kind of pattern on the rear end and smile which is fine when do as she did is acknowledging her nasty look on her face. She marches up to lease is not Gary Thomas leases take yeah sure evening are you his wife Lisa just like I was being insulted like I would act that way and she would normally response wave is asserted came out. No, he was with his wife last week and this weekend it's my turn on you can't say that urine is not you in a million years is not known that read the painting and cleared up. By the way that is going around that it's his nose when his mom said you only look at your wife that way only treat your wife that what I want to have that same expectation for me mentally that my dove, my perfect one is the only one and learned even showcasing to myself so I could see your excellent. The challenge is an entity she's neurologically true neuroscientist.

Talk about a state called tolerance. If you don't seek to remember the blessings of your spouse which is why one year I created a journal and every day I wrote down something I was thankful for Lisa a character trait or something she had done and it became this Christmas present that I gave to work at the end of the year because I know if we don't do that. What happens is something great just becomes a status quo that normally stop cherishing your spouse and you start comparing your spouse. So when I gave her that journal. At first she was upset with me because she thought I was asking her fill something out. She wasn't so not me and that she saw what was she started to tear up and my oldest daughter said she should had something using a Hallmark movie that nobody ever actually Dennis, but here's the thing I want my kids to know I cherish your mom is not enough that we made it to 36 years of marriage I want to be able to say when I die, he cherished her for 50 years or 60 years.

Love is good law is Ray love and cherish is even better. Well powerful message. Example of that principle of cherishing your spouse that we been hearing today from author and speaker Gary Thomas cowboy John.

As we said at the top of the program. Gary Thomas always makes me ponder better as a husband and father, and he did that again today. You know over the years, I kept journals for each of my boys writing notes to them as I travel around the world for Focus on the Family, but it never occurred to me to keep a journal for Jean writing down what I love about her my thoughts during the strips about her even just for one year could've done better in that area like Gary did for his wife, Lisa, what a great gift, yet it really is something special. If I could rewind the tape that maybe it's not too late for us depression to review the coming year can help us to well that's just one of many great ideas found in Gary's book. It's called cherish the one word that changes everything for your marriage and I'd love for you to get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family for donation of any amount and the proceeds will go right back into our efforts to strengthen and save marriages around the world. Here's just one example of the impact were having on marriages every day and we heard from a listener named Amanda who said this I been listening to Focus on the Family since I was in high school. Knowing that I would need marriage and parenting advice for the future.

While that's really smart read. Now I can say that focus made a huge impact on our 30 year marriage, and helped us raise four children to adulthood. I don't know why I never donated now that I think about it. I was pretty selfish to benefit from the broadcasts never financially support your efforts to get them on air. Please accept my donation and thank you for staying so biblical and relevant.

Over the years.

Love you. I love hearing from folks like that you have listened a long time and put these principles into practice. It really is great to think that even back in high school years.

Focus was helping her prepare for the challenges ahead and giving her the tools she needed one day to succeed in her family.

That's right.

And you know the past year has been difficult for so many families and many marriages are struggling under the stresses caused by the pandemic, but our research shows that over the last 12 months we mean the bigger we those that are helping us financially and those of us in the hands and feet hurt the ministry. We've helped over 100,000 couples across North America navigate and survive a major marital crisis and almost 600,000 couples say focus help them build a stronger and more satisfying marriage and that's again just in the last year.

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