Understanding the Root of Your Child's Misbehavior (Part 1 of 2)

Sophie's family was not in a good place. She was failing as a wife and mother, but her rest was the last three whole never give up helping writing a G on Jim Daly today.

Sophie's family is thriving. Working together can help rescue and strengthen more families like hers give today@focusonthefamily.com/real family. The words differently all conveys the same thing that you always have always loved it. As I was, you know you didn't compare me to my sister my brother and I think each kid always felt like they were the favored and so parents listen to what I'm saying. Your words make a different that's a wonderful reminder for every mom and dad your words really do matter. Dr. Caverly is a popular guest here and join us again today on focus on will offer help for some of the most common behavior problems.

You'll experience with your kids. I'm John Fuller, along with focus, Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and Jim we got your wife Jean joining us as well. It's always good when genes are. I think great I mean great. It's always great when she keeps me true right she's my Norstar so that it is good hedging your course. Dr. Kevin Lehman do more to introduce him in a moment but man were to talk about parenting today and parenting definitely has ups and downs. I'm thinking back to how many times Jean and I said to her boys ever say please.

I mean, we must've said that 10,000 times right say please and thank you. Finally, I don't know what age it will get 16 to kick in, but it's one of those things. And parenting is just that way you keep expressing the right thing to do. You keep encouraging your children and hopefully they get it and today were to talk about those behavior types and what we can do to be the best parent we can be and hopefully our children will follow suit and there are times when we pull her hair out because are not following our plan and an address that with Dr. Kevin Lehman.

He is a well-known psychologist and author and speaker, radio and TV personality. He's written. I don't know 700 books or something like that. I think it's well over 50 right.

Kevin it's 60 somebody might want to be talking about today why your kids misbehave and what to do about that second half really important what to do and really encourage you to get a copy from us. The link is in the episode notes or call one 800 K and the word family John. We also have a little studio audience with this some staff people.

Let's say hi everybody and I were gonna have a little Q&A at the end here and this'll be thinking of your questions as we move along.

Also, you said Jean is here Jean is great to have years always, Dr. Kevin Lehman gray tabby about. Thanks for being with us all yes were winning combination. I got a little concerned actually that we talked about marriage and it's really helped in Jeni's relationship. Thank you very much and she called me, there has been time, there have been times and I've come home and said you know Jean I think we need to spend 15 minutes and let the kids go play show site. Did you interview with today… Kevin Lehman had that great idea, but you've worked with lots of families Kevin and you have noticed the ways kids work their parents. I never experienced that if you jump probably.

So speak to that issue about how kids work, their parents, and I think he had a specific example about being in a restaurant and sing a little, little one worker parents. Oh my goodness. I've often said we see the enemy and they are small and unionize little suckers. They have a game plan.

We were at one of those commercial steakhouses and in Tucson live mostly year and a young family came in. It was mom dad, maybe 12, 13 month old little child, grandma, grandpa, and maybe an aunt and they were one of those problems were right next to us.

I am an observer of people. Let's put that way, and I just thought to myself what is currently interesting because they brought over one of those little wooden highchairs right in fact you see people maybe turn them upside down in a restaurant. They'll put up car seat and yes and the dad tried to put the little cherub into the seat and instinctively the little cherub pulled up her legs. Okay, that's when I said I'm gonna pay attention because I know how this is going to play out and God bless and they tried to get that little ankle biter in their book. She had no part of it. So what you do. Dad goes and brings her and puts on the seat and I knew that child would be passed around, which happened during the meal came back to dad and was trying to feed the baby. The baby took us going full offering and through it over the shoulder and it was just hysterical, but it reminded me of one of the things I try to share with young parents and that is don't start habits that you don't want to have continue throughout your child's college graduate years. In other words, there is some area training. There is something to making if you will, making a meaner training if you prefer that were the training children that you will sit in that highchair okay and it's it's a test of wills and don't think these little guys don't have a will of it all. Right. Let me let me ask about that.

So what would be the appropriate way that that mom and dad should've handled them in the highchair. The teacher even if you have to kind of spend some time working those ankles in their basic premises.

Kids will live up the expectations we give them now.

If you're young parent today and your goal is to create a happy child. We should all bow our heads and pray for you now because it's going to be disastrous if that's your goal to create a happy child.

There's times the kids need to feel unhappy experience and happiness because of their mouth, or attitude whatever so take comfort training is like a puppy when you start the training to wait to the puppy is six months older-year-old. If you do have a miserable dog in her hands she really have to take the time for training Money you mentioned in the book that transformation that's a good goal. What do you mean by transformation, and especially obviously with our children what is that moment of transformation was a look like it's a process. You know how often said that parenting isn't easy. I'll give you that but it is simple, it's simple, leaving a simple well there's a paradigm that works in a put you in authority over your children without the new authoritarian without being the permissive parent and course today. Most parents come in two basic types authoritarian. You can do it my way.

It's almost a bus in his room, grew up authoritarian homes, but the premises are out there in huge numbers today and are just knocking themselves out. Try to make sure your kid is happy at every every turn, but in terms of transformation. As kids grow me Steve Covey once said, start with the end in mind. It's a great thought. You're creating really a little doll and not that we want kids that young age to perform like little adults.

I don't mean that which you work toward the end of maturity we give kids responsibility and so many of us are rule conscious. We believe the rules of the way to rear children.

Rules are not the way to rear children. Let me let me jump in on that I might get Jean in here transformation. That's something I think you would agree the boys we've seen that are on parenting describe that in and talk about kind of the rules issue that Kevin Smith yes, I say to parents be great to hear you are strong, passionate, as Dr. Lehman says, power driven child will probably turn out to be a delightful young person that productive member of society, not a car thief correct and I've seen that in our home that our oldest son is who is strong and passionate is a delightful young person is a child that you practiced on by the way transformation is the key there. He's really, he has turned the great Horner absolute lady and I think you know there's there's many factors, but I think two main factors are.

I was the authoritarian parents and rules were important and respect was important and parents. You cannot discipline your children enough to respect you. They will respect you less. You cannot force them to respect you and I find I learned that too late, but I finally let go and stop trying to control our oldest child and he responded beautifully. It was a process, but I I needed to be treating him as a future adult see the opposite of fear is what I think it's love love and fear. So those of us who control okay. We fear that somehow are going to lose control and you know what I think about adults. I've dealt with in life. I've never had a woman say to me you know what I really love about my husband. I love the way he controls me. I've never heard it so the transformation. I mean sometimes this little guys, three, four years old and in the preschool teachers become your best friend because she's calling all the time talking about the activities that little Timothy got into today.

Well you might have that discussion as husband-wife and so you know there's time for transformation comes across is all coming out here that starting tomorrow morning at oh 800. This family is going to take a lot of is always make that announcement, we just revert back to more authoritarian strong arm tactics before we we move beyond the rules orientation. Kevin there is a natural I think a natural bias in the Christian community. We want to live up to expectations. As Christians we in essence subscribe to a set of boundaries that were delivered by etc. so rules aren't necessarily a terrible thing but you. It's how you treat them right. The Pharisees I'm in the biblical examples. Jesus blew the Pharisees up in terms of a it's not about the rules it's about the heart but elaborate because I think Christian parents, we tend to want to how many of us have family rules and we put it on the wall and we do have family rules and you teach kids it when you come to a street you look both ways.

I'm reminded of the flat Clean got hit don't really flat for little guy ran down the street and got hit by a truck.

He was pretty flat and nobody was devastated but the lesson was no Chucky would be a lot alive today if he would've looked both ways and so is apparent sometimes use those natural things in life to show kids why there is rules of life rules are healthy.

Okay if the presented like Jim says, you know, in a positive good way.

Context will only rules, but the point is, as kids grow older, I made the point of my book are kids never had a curfew ever.

They never had a curfew. Hello Michael, you and I and the kids would always say they would say what time do I need to be home and I was always combat with the same answer be home at a reasonable hour. Dad would you just tell me they don't like that and they want to rule what were you achieving by doing that. What were you teaching I'm teaching them that I believe in them that they have a good rain that had been there to use good judgment and generally they came home earlier than you thought you'd be late. They were on the phone with a long list of explanations about why will the football game was in overtime in the bus was late and you know whatever it was they just want to reassure the okay and not the doghouse honey enjoy pizza come on home is okay and you and Jim. You mentioned having a list of rules printed up one of the things we never did and I wish we would have is have a family motto and Kevin, you spent some time in the book talking about family mottos and how that kind of in princess and how we will we kind of lead in the parent for that same way. We grew up 01 of yours is pretty obvious and Jim shares this one its lights have fun last point that yeah what what is a family motto of let's have fun leaders to be like his. He gets in trouble once in a while and you have to understand that you took away as a youngster, a mantra about life. Those mantras are things like I only count life when I have fun when I'm the center of attention when I get people to do what I asked him to do. Another typical baby. The family they are social, they can be fun there whimsical.

They change from moment to moment they could sell dead rats reliving early childhood memory of selling bags of dirt sandwich banks door-to-door for $0.10 and they were silver dimes. Back in those days I want to know people bought them but you know so you grow up with that in no your daddy and my wife remembers me taking little Holly hello Holly Dolly recalled our firstborn and I would say little Holly's flying severe and I throw the air like a lot of dads doing.

I get her off in about 8 feet.

My wife.I been like this fun thing that walks in it whets and it does all kinds of things you and thank God I married the firstborn who have rules okay and she would.

She was a good bouncer for me so I kids actually and without a pretty healthy environment never got seriously injured but when I this is, I shouldn't admit this, but when I drove our youngest Lauren to school in the morning. We have five kids.

Okay I'm driving little Lauren she's in seventh grade school and we had different things that we would do it shows little growth will applicable go over with in seventh grade I drive the school and we had little handicap driver day and on the way to the school we would go through this residential area with the speed limit was 25 to begin with, but all of a sudden I would crouch down okay in my little car and I get down about 7 miles an hour. I checked to make sure nobody's behind me and then I would just creep through the neighborhood.

When a car came and I would always waved to the car, but I would raise my hand so slowly that I really never flashed the wave till after the car went by in these 2/7 graders are they squealing with delight die laughing that we had special delivery day. Why literally came into the parking lot.

They have a flat sidewalk approach and that's why say shouldn't say this on there.

I would drive right up to the door. I was 60 door and let the kids out and they were in the course. The other kids. I beat him came known as I was very popular on the campus like crazy – thank you as my head had no we did crazy fun things with Mrs. Sappington, my bride ever do that.

No, there are rules you just don't do things like that. So the atmosphere that's what I want. Parent understands whatever you grow up with is somehow going to communicate those kids and I would like to add that God puts men and women together who are unlike each other who are different and where often generally said and now in hindsight I appreciate those differences in parenting. It really made against dad when he was the good guy. The fungi you are Attila the Hun, yeah, yeah, but you would learn from each other.

That's true and I've learned that I need to grow up to put it bluntly come with you.

Their life isn't always a party you know I tell some of the stories and I get a few Pharisee letters because I tell most of the stories is somehow people think that I had to be up on some kind of pedestal know of anybody who knows me another pedestal person, roll up your sleeves and let's see we get things done. Let's be real, but I point out for all you young parents are so worried about your kids like you. Someday our five kids like nothing better youngest is 28 than hanging out with us old people.

They like their parents, and the proofs in the boarding so the fun you put in your family the investment that you put in in getting behind the eyes of each your kids realizing they're all different treatment differently. Almighty God treats us different. Why don't you treat your kids differently.

Kevin, one of the things you point at the book is that we as parents can inadvertently pave the way for kids to misbehave. I think it's a really important point. So how do we do that we train them to misbehave, but be specific about what you going up a supermarket or store mommies a pick on you. What's a conversation with your kids. I want that I want that. That's a person source. Apparently I was not going to store, don't ask for thing, because the answer is no way have you had a recorder in my but that's what we do what we just said to the kids running around and flowing around my stomach and said again so they can hear you.

Well, what happens is you just said I really don't trust you to misbehave the little kids do they misbehave there in a public place one and I mean people will look at your kids shake their head that they're looking at you as a parent to parent, good, good job, parent.

Okay, so let's write that well. I think you take advantage of situations where the kids are very well behaved very respectful. Just a simple comment that you know I got to tell you that was really fun today. It was really fun to be with you guys and the tell you I'm proud to be your mom proud to be your dad and I look around sometime to see how other kids behave Scott to use. I caught slipping your kid a commercial announcement and you have to slip those messages to kids and the kids walk away with. Guess what mom and dad believe in me that's really important that a son or daughter feels like you have their back. I was in our our summer cottage this past week back in New York State has gone through pictures and I found all the time they get Father's Day cards and maybe crying. To this day it's but I look at what the kids of said you know they just the words are little different but they all convey sort of the same thing that you always have my back always love me as I was, you know you didn't compare me to my sister my brother and I think each kid always felt like they were the favorite and so parents listen what I'm saying. Your words make a different Kevin. Let's open it up with got some folks around the table here want them to have a moment asking questions so let's let's move to that right now I'm trying to feel like I'm interpreting two different messages one is like you're staring at the restaurant got put in the highchair and then another side is we parents can focus too much on the rules are being too strict on things. I'm curious what that balance is practically when I'm in the restaurant. I and where do I not, I hope your hearing balance because it is a balanced attack using a sport analogy you can have a great offense but there's not a defense not to do well and that's the. The art of parenting. It's snowing one to throw that flag, it's knowing when to say hate timeout your talk your mother like that you don't talk to me like that in its action, not words we use too many words with kids in parenting we need more action. Sometimes it takes a little buzzard by the beak, so to speak. You pull the rug out little buzzard tumbles, I like to say and sorry Shockey is her to blindside. I don't feel like getting a glass of milk right now I don't feel like driving your girlfriend's house right now.

Let them figure out what's wrong. Let them come around and say some raw. Actually, honey, there's several things wrong. Are you ready to discuss them. Yeah, I like the way talk to me this morning. Now there's your balance. I made Jesus told us to turn the other cheek certainly go through life pretty cheek with people look to Jesus life is a man of action. He saw the moneychangers in the template intern energy took action. So that's the job of all of us as parents to be able to discern how far do I let this child go. What are our parameters. Remember many times as parents we want to just control everything just at the back off. Let kids figure out these boundaries here in the family they they pretty much know what mom and dad's expectations are you hot remind him a thousand times, like Jim shared earlier about say please say please say please say please they get what you think the kids are saying. After about the 16th time when you think I'm stupid getting into got hurt.

The fifth first 15 times you told me to say please. I got it bad for creatures of habit. Don't poke your eye out was the last time you saw a Focus on. We say things to kids that are repetitive from our own mind. It makes the kids sort of shrugged their shoulders. I guess that's what parents do you want to connect with kids. You need to have a balance attack that would be my my message back to you is you are hearing to messages that this time should take the buzzard by the beak you make things happen is our time to let them figure it out this in the workout were good to sit back and almost, almost laissez-faire, almost permissive dewpoint with ice they're in trouble and Ali help, then it becomes a teachable moment.

And that's good stuff Kevin. I mean this is that knowing that balance is the wisdom of parenting to it is, I think Regina and I and I'm sure this is true for you and Dana. John you get better as the years go by to pick Any. Now that our boys are 2019. I wish we could go back to newborns right with the knowledge we have perfect and that idea of learning how to be a good balancing couple and how to know the fight you want to really fight and throw the flag as you said so this is been right stuff and what a wonderful resource that while your kids misbehave and the best part and what to do about it and I certainly want to make sure the people are where they can get that right here Focus on the Family we often do this, but for a gift of any amount. I just get in touch with us and will send you a copy of Dr. Lehman's wonderful book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and also at a website there's a free assessment tool for parenting called seven traits of effective parenting.

It'll give you an idea of where your strengths are, where your weaknesses are and some helpful hints on resources and Kevin's book is a great place to start on how to strengthen those areas that you need a little more parenting wisdom yet donate today. As you can and will send that book while your kids misbehave and what to do about it will also include a CD of this entire conversation with Dr. Lehman that donation and the book and CD are available when you call 808 family were stop by the episode notes for further details.

Kevin, Jean, let's keep going and come back tomorrow and continue the discussion that we can let's do that are absolutely looking forward to make sure to join us again tomorrow for part two of our conversation with Dr. Kevin Lehman and aliens.

We diving the more practical strategies for how to cope with your child's misbehave on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Build your child's faith with clubhouse junior and clubhouse magazines from Focus on the Family boys and girls ages 3 to 12 will enjoy all the faith building activities from fun crafts and puzzles to character building fiction and powerful Bible stories investing your child's faith all year long. Subscribe today@focusonthefamily.com/kids, banks, clubhouse and clubhouse junior award-winning magazines full of games and stories, and God find that it focusonthefamily.com/kids may