Helping Our Kids Manage Technology Well (Part 2 of 2)

COP's family was not in a good place. She was failing as a wife and mother, but her rest was the last great hope never give up helping, letting the GI Jim Daly today silky's family is thriving. Working together can help rescue and strengthen more families like hers give today@focusonthefamily.com/real family day after day moment after moment, every time your child. We first see that your attention is on a device they are going to get that message. Dr. Said so well that device more important than that. There's so many kids we think the kids that have the problem but there's so many kids were like if my mom or dad would just stop checking email and I would feel more but darling fella came in and she joins us again today on Focus on the Family she's joined by Dr. Gary Chapman to be talking about screens and kids hostess books president Dr. Jim Daly John: John, last time we talked about how screens and the addiction to screens, especially for kids with us to as parents how it's affecting our families are household everything and I think in this moment as you know were coming out of COBIT and all those things.

There's just such high use of screen time right now how do we get control of its number one issue in the daily household out and about and I was just thinking about this Jim there are screens everywhere.

My printer has a screen refrigerators often have screens there everywhere in the home and the commander attention. Here's the bottom line here focus. We want to help you be the best parent you can be. We want to equip you to be a godly parent and I think being aware of screen time usage, etc. the traps are out there, but also the benefits a minute is something to have the knowledge of the world at your fingertips and your kids need to access that information for school for other things.

But how do we find that great balance and the units like anything. I think the printing press was probably seen by some as evil there good things that God will use through it.

The same is true with the Internet there's many evil things on it, but there are some good things, Bible studies, you know, Jean has two or three Bible study going online and I'm sure many of you do as well.

Today were going to cover that topic.

Continue to cover the topic. If you missed last time, go to the website. Get the download get the smart phone app whatever you need to do was wonderful conversation that pointed the finger at parents and then that young people that maybe you're spending too much time with their screens yeah and ironically you just to get the smart phone app and I needed to give us a call as well.

880 family or the link is in the episode notes and as I mentioned Dr. Gary Chapman and Arlene Peloquin are back with this this great book.

Screen kids five skills every child needs Innotech driven world, and we do encourage you to get a copy of that from us. Dr. Chapman is a pastor and speaker and author of the best-selling five love languages, books, and Arlene is also a speaker and author and wife and mom of three have welcomed about the good have you back thank you wanted to thinking about that smart start funding at all vegetables and digital candy. So it seems ironic like overtime. I technology but you are using technology do you feel hypocritical, but all screen time is not equal. And so to realize is apparent. Is this something good that's building my brain. That's my soul. Did you feed my soul.

That's a digital vegetable that Skype and grandma that's online school. No kid is going to get addicted to online school can at the endless YouTube videos tick-tock Instagram video games.

That's the stuff that you really want to watch so all screen time is not equal with it so easy I you know when I go to church. I pull out my phone not to do email to read along with the texture it is.

It's just so convenient.

I know you and that campers your people, you should bring the book, but the books write the book, but it is all that the tradition versus nontraditional approaches at let's do a little recap from last time for the listeners that are just joining today. Let's describe and Arlene will serve you the impact technology and screens are having on our children today and you can work in the brain science that we may not have been able to get to last. Yes, that is a huge thing is just thinking of how is this technology impacting my child's brain and if you just think that way. Reading is always good to be good for your child's brain and anything all of my can't get my kid to read well the truth is they probably have too many other options are there to say I can't read but when you leave them and there's no device present and all they have is a book in time, they'll pick up a book so just encourage you that's going to be really good because the impact of screen time is kids are attached to their devices instead of being attached to you as parents, and that's really a core need that they need to feel loved and then what's happening a child's brain, especially as their younger and younger.

You know I remember when we bought our home. It was new development is just dirt you know and you buy the home by faith that they're going to build it and of course now it's 20 years later and I've got tons of roads and freeways and go wherever I want and your child's brain is like that dirt pathway and if the only superhighway they have, goes to YouTube the tablet to Netflix and that's all they have. That's why when they grow up to be adults and not ready because they don't have the roads built towards all this is self-control. This is how I regulate my emotions. I want to throw a fit, but I'm not going to throw a fit. This is how you homework even though I don't feel like this is how I pray and I don't get an instant answer, and I'm okay with that because technology is instant technology is easy low barrier of entry and you get huge success with really live very little effort and so is apparent after realize their brain is learning. These pathways and we have to make sure their pathways to go to the Bible pathways that go to common courtesy pathways to go to be excellent pathways when you fail what you do so. Those things are so important right it and I want to be careful you know there's there's biology. We make choices that increase the difficulty right. So whether you're an adult or teenager if you're spending too much time getting that dopamine Gary you know that we need to discipline ourselves not to do that that often right you don't we all have the same amount of time everyday. This is how we going to invest and I like to try to parents think in terms of what is the time to market a single screen. What is it, teaching them one of the come away with. You know and how is it impacting bill because it is impacting them and we need to be talking about the what did you learn from the game.

What did you learn from this report and also observe their behavior because their behavior will be different if there really getting engrossed in screen and so you as best we have to recognize we will prepare the student for adulthood and you not to worry about them.

Learning technical skills like I can pick that my when I start what we want to do is learn how have social skills so they can relate to people but many many people as adults lose their jobs because they don't know how to relate to people with only work it's important that we bill social skills, and so true in working to get into that today you've identified five A+ social skills as you mentioned during that every child needs.

What are they give us the list that will start to dig and each one of the first day's affection.

Can your child give and receive love and appreciation.

If your child a grateful child are they like.

I didn't get what I need what you know. Entitled anger management. Every child is going to get angry but how do they manage that. How do they you know express their anger apology. Can your child apologizing real-life and say hey I take responsibility or do they just pretend it didn't happen and you know they don't text you back and there's no apology and then lastly attention can your child take a wandering attention and put it where it's supposed to be any of these are A+ skills that you know they're not to sell academic skills but they are very important for life and unfortunately like it's how they put skill of amusement. The really good at amusement and they know how to do that but they don't know how to do these Dr. Chapman, the five love languages we mentioned the last time right the end of the day, but they do come into play here. Describe again what those look like in terms of showing our children affection. The other five fundamental ways to express love own emotional level to a child or to an adult for that matter what his words of affirmation just looking at positive things about them and expressing it do not really appreciate you taking the trash out today. It was wonderful. And then there's acts of service, doing something for the especially things I can't do for themselves and I can be simple things cooking a meal was an active service for a child at the moment and teaching them how to cook a bigger act of service and then there's a gifts at Universal to give and receive gifts and the gifts don't have to be expensive just communicates with a child who knows the store and I thought about you and I wanted you to have this gift and in quality time giving the child. Your divided attention. We talked about that are important it is when you're talking to child you're looking to see or listen to your not responding to your phone give them quality time and in physical touch affirming physical touch in the basic concept is that every child has a primary love language.

One of these will speak more deeply to them than the other four so you give heavy doses of that primary, which also speak the others because you want the child to learn how to receive love and give love and all five lines. That's the healthiest adult troops to appreciation. It's another skill but the opposite of that is entitlement that we see a lot of teens, particularly that have an entitlement attitude parents right now. I can hear through the microphone 19. How do we help them to better appreciate things. I think having your children learn their digital devices can really help that is at least eight there. Thanks (and some arson anything 16 and as we talked about he doesn't have a phone because we don't let him that we talked about if we did let you what you need like he's a little too tight with his money. I don't think so because he knows we'd make him pay for it and so this idea of if they had to earn thing suffering since I had one family who they just gave a laptop to their oldest and of course their oldest trash the laptop and take care of it, lost it sometimes is with the second child. There like when I making a mistake.

You have to earn half and for that child. They took care of it anywhere why there was not ownership involves we as parents sometimes of course it's because we love our kids and we want to spoil them and so they say I want this in two weeks later it's in the room right but they don't appreciate it but have to wait for it if they have to earn money towards it to mow some lawns for if they get that this cost something because that's really help them. Is there adults and they realize all you mean when I click on these things to buy the book. You actually have to work to make money.

So how have your credit card a grateful child is one who kind of appreciates the worth of what they're getting in a great way to do that is is get them involved in that right and that's affection and appreciation.

The other one. His anger management it's third on your list of social skills. Let me ask you how are videogames contributing to that anger management. I think there's empirical data to support that you're not teaching you how to handle underlayer fostering anger and all the violence and is all the research is clear about the violence, the more they watch violent games and so forth, the more likely they are to mismanage their own anger. There's nothing wrong with anger. The Bible says God is angry every day with the wicked, we get angry because are made in God's image. We have a concern for right and when used for like you been treated unfairly.

You feel angry, but as humans we have two kinds of anger we have righteous anger. We were treated wrongly, we should be angry but we also get angry we don't get our way and you can see that a three-year-old right don't get the cook and I will so we have to teach them how to handle anger in a positive way and let's face it, many, many children are not getting instructional how to handle anger. Maybe the parents are to move the parish is modified sometimes there modeling their parents right liberal my teenage son started yelling and screaming at me and I asked myself what he learned that thought oh, maybe a movie and I remember we had a good talk us a good man tell you have not had a minor will with you in the soup.

We can learn how to do this. Maybe the next time you're angry you decide to me. Anger can we talk and listen to when I get angry almost like they're coming or can we talk less on how to talk through our anger and not guilt that the whole thing whole bunch of things are important. November that learning how to handle anger is really key if they're going to like it will in the adult world. We are talking today with Gary Chapman and Arlene Peloquin about their books screen kids and we really want you to make sure you get a copy of this is so rich in what it has for you as a mom or dad and it'll be a little convicting. Perhaps at times, as were hearing even right now from Gary so I get in touch with us for this book, screen kids, we've got the link in the episode notes or call 800 K in the word family both of you and the course. Again, with love languages. This is a critical component your research what you've done, but the art of apology.

The idea of apology. I think it is difficult for teens to apologize. I think it's one of the note, the glimpses into the human soul, and our inability to live up to what God expects of us, right because we lean toward sand and so I think as a teenager. We tend to cover because were embarrassed or whatever it might be apology is hard and so speak to that idea of the art of apology. Yes, apologize is much easier just to ignore, like you did something and then everything is online now for teenagers. So if they just ignore it if they just don't respond to the tax if they just block a friend if they just, you know, drop something out. They can just pretend it didn't happen.

Instead of saying I will try to restore this friendship.

Or, you know, of course you get hurt by someone incentive apologizing, trying restore the friendship. Then it gets nasty and then it's just a blame game and then like let me just smear him, let me just put this stuff on their social media base and that's a problem, and so to teach kids. I think by modeling so that they are listening to these broadcasts in your thinking man, I gave the phone to sooner all my goodness I should I let them play the game always and so you model hey I really want to be the parent that I'm sorry I failed you in this area.

I know this isn't going to make you happy. I know you're going to be upset with me, but I've let you play this game.

I think it's too violent things affecting you as a person your siblings are talking about how you're not acting like you use you. So it's my fault I'm sorry I bought the game and so were going to take it away.

I just want to let you I'm sorry I'm not trying to ruin your life and it's this apology that you are sorry because you are sorry that you gave the game so model apology to your kids, and I will help them when they need to apologize to do the same thing and really pray that the Holy Spirit speaks to your child.

That's good.

How do you apply the apology with the love languages. It's quarter. What you talked about for years.

Yeah, I think there are different ways to apologize and I think we need to teach our children different ways to apologize most, lawyers. I'm sorry the kid doesn't quite know what that means but is trying to express regret.

I'm sorry that I did that in accepting responsibility was wrong should not know should not of done that and so I think in terms of teaching them how to apologize agree with the model that are of interest that we have to model that I don't think there's anything more important in marriage. For example, other than love is apology because were not perfect and we going to hurt each other in a marriage relationship. You know how to be perfect to have a good marriage but you do have to take care of your your failures and that's apologizing for giving one most important skills we can teach a child is how to apologize and I think we do that by our model EER kids moving to the next one.

Attention paying attention our children. You know, we struggle as young people to do that anywhere mines are moving so fast, I think we as adults struggle to be a but you really give people the consideration. This includes your your child consideration to stop what you're doing and to look them face-to-face and really hear what they're saying.

How do we teach our children to pay attention more. I think even our producer's daughter told her that watching a movie is such a commitment to me two hours really good inside attention span is today are shorter and our need for paying attention seems to be greater. Super easy way to think of this is think of Mr. Rogers and like slow.

He's just talking on camera.

And that was real life and then think of what kids watch today. It's like things are moving every few seconds there's colors. There's a stimulus SMA and suffer kids when they see that in their raised on an office and after read a book have to listen to pastor teachers like wow this is really boring my attention.

I cannot handle this. Matthew Killingsworth Harvard talks about a wandering mind that your thinking about something else is 46% of the time when we're in the present right we think of something else for the of what were going to do what we just did what I said hello to me and they did six merriment contrasting Mayan children and kids from the United States, California to see if what their attention was like. And they took two kids and they had them at two different task and one of the kids got a toy to assemble and then the other kid was told just to wait and so they found that the my kids could just sit there and wait quietly at the desk. Watch the other kid assemble the toy and just wait two thirds of the time, sustained attention, no problem at all. They threw in the kids are in California right and you can already see the light assemble and have its way to assemble right and then the kid would just last seconds before they were not part of the sea going in circles whether they were like moving back in for the completely distracted and say, my goodness, what is the stark contrast between these Mayan kids from Guatemala and these California kids and it is what they are raised doing rates are California kids were looking at screens where entertain the Mayan kids are doing chores with their family. There used to listening to instructions and then they have this intrinsic motivation of you know, it's making me like I want to gestate here is what they observed is the kids were like I'm fine with this.

I so the helicopter parent that just pay attention paying attention, pay attention think the kids like to pay attention. But when you can flip that switch in your kids heart says to do this for me the intrinsic motivation of I obey you know what God says honor your finding the kids. I guess they got that on your father, mother, but there's a lot there that if they do honor their father and mother.

There can be blessed. So when they can't put that together for themselves. If I pay attention in school. I get good grades and wow when I'm a senior in high school I might have choices that I wouldn't if I hadn't done that once they get that intrinsic motivation may taste that success sustained attention. That's when the magic starts happening, but I think that's is apparent. That's when you really have achieved the goal when you your child like that Mayan child is able to his two bit different California short memory for the Advantage of all these things but really employer life the kids. It's much easier for them to pay attention well which is good. You know there's there's so much at play here.

I think when your child is 1112 you're going to be thinking of things differently than when here she is 1716 because there's more maturity they may not be handling it well but I can imagine I have a friend who's had a discussion that went something like this honey, usually the wife to the husband way over game we gotta do something you know it's not bad. It keeps him occupied, it's better than them looking at tomography who knows what that person say but speak to the couple, particularly Gary because there can be some marital tension in this too is one of the parents is more easy-going than the parent that's observing. This is harmful and we need to do something and it's some show very often times it's the wife saying honey. Get off your duff. I need your help here. How do we manage it well. I think first of all, husbands need to listen to their wives as a gift to us. Usually there right on the sort of let's go just like the other thing is to ask yourself the question, how much and what am I doing with my children when they were buckled child, what are they going to remember and I will come to help you think maybe I should be doing more things with the child not just letting them play games all the time I doing my thing and they're doing their thing because really when I look back on their childhood. Their memories of you going to be focused around what you did with them how you treated them the conversations I had with you the long walks, I had the trip she took together just the two of you. The breakfast you had together just the two of you. Things are going to remember and we can get so busy in our vocation and in other things we have to do, even good things we have to do that. We leave our children to the screens rather than being a father and a mother to what I want to emphasize something you both of said this idea of loving your child. I tend to be on that end of the teenagers in the course.

My experiences with boys son have the beauty of raising a daughter. I miss that. I regret that. But in that context Jean are usually in their shoes, raising the concern I'm saying, you know, let's look at the Longview. Let's love them well and there needs to be some of that. Therefore, the parent that teenagers are going to behave like teenagers at times, and you need to point out the issues in those things, but I wholeheartedly agree with you that when they leave the home with that sense of love that you care about them than all the things you talked about will be respected and you think of that child that 15-year-old as a 35-year-old 40-year-old and you know they're going to find their way. Hopefully, because of the healthy boundaries and healthy relationship establishes apparent they're going to do fine. Good question to ask is one of my children turned out to be like me and how you use your technology. What goes up to use technology just like you would that be a good thing. You know I had at this Johns Hopkins train neuroscientist named Dr. Andrew down I was talking to youth and I was telling them how from the age of 25 to 35.

He was gaming 80 to 100 hours a week I'm going to medical school and what was funny was these boys would like some. They thought that made him a hero and they really sincerely they whooped and hollered like 100 times a week. That's awesome.

He was a doctor, but then I said that if that was your dad because he was married and he had kids, and he they filed for divorce and he wasn't there for his kids because he was gaming and then it got real quiet and they honestly then understood oh I guess that's not so good after all. So that is that cautionary tale to us as adults. If we are gaming to match a four on social media to match our kids are watching and it matters to them.

Gary and Arlene let me get this last question we have touched the heart of apparent they're going blown what's one thing I can do today to change the trajectory of the first things were very to apologize just to say to the child. I realize I made a mistake and this should forgive me.

I think you have an action step that you think okay. I've heard this and I were going to do the screen free meal time or I heard this, I'm going to collect the phone. The digital baby that's crying all night. My teenagers room and so they can't sleep. I'm going to collect that at night and just pick one thing and really follow through and really do it and don't expect that your kids gonna rise up and call you blessed, but stick with it, stick with it and be consistent and do something and feel like you're not hopeless and powerless, both great suggestions. Thanks for being with us. Thanks for having a thank you and let me remind you our listener that Focus on the Family is here for you. We know parenting can be a challenge. And that's why we exist.

We want to provide you with great tools like plugged in the team reviews movies and other forms of entertainment explores pop-culture and keeps you informed of the things you need to know about screens as a parent. They even have a fun weekly podcast where they deliver insight on current media choices and culture related topics that you know real families just like yours. Tune into her broadcasts and podcasts looking for that hope couples in crisis broken family struggling parents and lonely singles need encouragement, hope, and practical biblical guidance God is using your support to reach millions of people each week as they tune into the daily broadcast with guests information resources that transform lives but so many more need hope you can share that hope by supporting the ministry of Focus on the Family today.

In fact, when you give any amount today will send you a copy of Arlene and Dr. Chapman's great book. Screen kids five skills every child needs in a tech driven world as our way of saying thank you for joining the ministry donate today. Learn more about plugged in and get your copy of screen kids when you call 880 family or the link is in the episode notes and plan to join us again tomorrow as we hear from Patricia Ashley.

She's going to share how God saved her marriage when she thought the relationship had come onto the great day that I have Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ parent are you looking for an informative and encouraging and engaging resource for your team daughter.

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