Loving Your Spouse in the Midst of Parenthood

Tired and I was ready to walk away from our marriage and Abby's husband serves in the military, which means a lot of family moves in a huge strain on their relationship with through our podcast. Abby found hope for marriage. I don't believe that we would be where we are today on Jim Daly. Working together we can bring hope to more marriages like Abby's gift today focusonthefamily.com/real family understand that marriage is really important in our home and I think we want to be an example to our children to the world but try to remember how we made our marriage a priority in our home. That's Ruth Schwenk. She and her husband Pat joined us today on Focus on the Family your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly thanks for joining us I'm John Fuller John here focus.

We are good proponents of marriage and parenting of the bread-and-butter what we do in the name of Christ. It's the very heart of who we are strengthening families so they can thrive. Sometimes that transition from marriage to parenting can be a little sticky and have some difficulty attached and we can forget about our spouse and concentrate on our children so awfully recall that a kid focused home right rather than marriage centric home. It doesn't have to be that when frankly it's not healthy to stay in that place. You can love your spouse even with kids in the home. Patrick and Ruth have lived through this and being the parents of four children. They been put to the test. Tyler bellowed no Sophia.

Are there kids and they're doing they are making it happen and we can hear more from them today about how to be a marriage centric home even with children and iPad as a pastor and Ruth blogs about her motherhood adventures. They been married for 19 years and have been in full-time ministry for over 17 of those years. They've also written a book called for better or for kids of great title as foundation for our conversation today that Ruth welcomed focus Ruth welcome back at it's good to have a pet first time yesterday. Notice known as husbands, and it's like while here, whether the this is a great story. It's an important one. Your pastor and I love that perspective you bring in terms of the Scripture and how it enlightens us up, your expectation of an ideal marriage was kind of – the morning of your wedding right you love these wedding stories. I do want to do a book someday just on wedding story that is wrong and story is rare to have it go perfectly all in me. That was a good idea to get married really early in the morning. So in the sentence right now is get ready Mrs. I don't really remember the exact time it was either 10 years ago, but like 4 o'clock in the morning and do so well. Early in the morning. I forgot about that and I started to feel and I would get my hair and I wasn't feeling so well so picture of me sitting in the back of the car on the way to the wedding ceremony at my wedding dress on my hairs all done my makeup and I had a towel over me and a huge pot in my lap I was going to get sick conflict. Start out just like I thought it would, but it all worked out better go well yes everything went well but road leading up to that did not go so well, that was kind of the imagery of what marriage was shaping up for you to be beautiful and wonderful and I felt really say we stop by my groomsmen and I were on the way to the church we actually stop by her parents house and since most do that and I just remember in the wee hours of the morning saying darting out of the house carrying this large cooking pot like the kind you make loads of chili is running from the house of the car and I knew right then, is what I thought the luster was erased as absolute what you think marriage is so important to God.

I've asked this of marriage experts almost always what you think he did it this way. It's a great great question. I think you know what you see at the very beginning. The Bible is God creating that first man wrote Genesis 1 as you guys know everything he's creating he's declaring to be good and then for the first time we see in Genesis 2 that something that he created was not good.

He looks at that first man and says this is not good is not good for man to be alone and he gifts him with a wife with a spouse that the two of them get to do life together something special about doing life together. The reflexive goddess in the course we come to the New Testament and read Paul's words in Ephesians 5 that there's something good about marriage. Not just because of what we get out of it, but because of what God is doing to a watching world or for watching world that in some way. Our marriage has a greater mission to put God on display to those around us and we oftentimes asked that question of ourselves is our marriage telling the truth about who God is what I so I think that for whatever reason, God in his wisdom and his goodness gives us this beautiful gift of marriage. The sharing of life together, not just for the sake of one another, but ultimately to reflect his glory. His goodness, his love for us to a watching world and I love that picture because it makes you want to relate your spouse more wisely. Right now than perhaps we do right now even in Christian community in your book for better or for kids you mention why we need to look at our spouse as a gift from God. Just hearing somebody just got oh really, you don't know my husband and he can never find the spot were all the dirty clothes got and it's been this way for 15 Years Dr. me crazy in the way he eats and the way he does everything you get.

You could fill in the blank. There's exasperation just like I have to look at him or have to look at her as a gift from God will guide you sent the wrong gift. FedEx got this past week on Instagram.

I asked my followers to think about their spouse and why they are gifted and it was pretty amazing to see all the responses and how thankful they were in a good way I'm able to stay. This is what I am thankful for you know, obviously there's things that we don't agree on things that bother us or exasperate us that really seeing the gift they are to us. I think changes our perspective on at least maintain that kind of approach to think dwell on those things which are good constant battle just like you know against self and selfishness and just being thankful for the ways that you know Pat blesses me as an encouragement to me. I know that he he's always there to cheer me on those types of things that I can keep remembering those things. It's a custom battle. This just being intentional about trying to remember, that person that you keep remembering to do those things well you are I might remind you reminders will either use our differences to compete with one another, one another, and I think that there there's a reason why God has gifted us with the spouse that we have and I can either choose to look at those differences and feel superior. Feel better be resentful or I can look at those differences and go you know what that in God's wisdom he's gifted me with Ruth for a reason and she is meant to complement me.

She's meant to supply my weakness with her strength and I love that approach. I love the concept and for us as men to keep that in mind what both men and women, but men, particularly, we need to be reminded of that what God has done for us and is so critically important. We played a group that really good foundation for the marriage site and the importance of God's design. So then he says okay be humble, be selfless as his wife brought usually in opposite to your heart and your love and that then he says okay now you have some kids, this is God's plan dynamics begin to change everything.

The household describe early years of parenting, and what's going on there and the chaos was at my kids are getting a little bit older. So, our youngest is eight now, but it's still crazy. It's just a different season, but when they were little, I mean like I'm just trying to get through the day Pat comes home from work and he wants dinner on the table and I think it is a wake-up call. During those years that we really have to fight for marriage.

This is as years last actually, I'll tell you what I feel I can finally take a big deep breath and your kids are now youngest of eight men were busy in a different way different activity as they're getting older fish and get sleep at night and sleep spiritual truth ever stumbled across the well rested. Patrick, you were actually I think in the watching a football game which I can so relate to. On Saturday I think Michigan. Why waste your time watching a college football game. What took place on the Lord to the holy well you it was a scary moment. I was actually was preparing to watch but it's always as though we were. Ruth was actually running to the store. I think she was gonna run to the grocery store and I was given the assignments I mean that in the kindest way assignment the responsibility of mowing the yard while she was gone and at the time we decide to kids Tyler Bell and a member how old they were, but they weren't terribly old and so I gave them you know very good instructions to stay in the room gave them Legos to play with, and I gave some dolls for Bella to play with your play dress up as was only taking about 1/2 hour to do the yard and so I went out and I was scurrying to get the yard mowed before Ruth got home before kickoff and I was almost done. I was on the last leg and we just a block away. We had these railroad tracks and the road came over and I remember turning to the left and I could see Ruth just coming up over the railroad tracks and getting ready to turn right into our street and as I continue turning left. I also saw Bella our youngest at the time walking down the sidewalk carrying a large yellow umbrella and the problem was is that she was supposed to be inside playing dress up, but she did threaten decided to dress down. I saw her walking down the sidewalk with a big yellow umbrella completely unclothed. The father's union wants to know what I was kicked out of the house first and get arrested but so that's the moment I knew that as much as we love being parents and would gift our kids work. This was hard stuff. This was a challenge.

Kids are unpredictable and they really do disrupt in many ways, that marriage relationship that they do join us in the journey of marriage and we have to work to keep them from coming between us in the journey of missile to its playpen either right side up with a young girl with a rock on. So Ruth is the mom coming home soon as I recollect the story. So what was your angelic response to this before.

Right yes we did. We got there at night as I love that picture I feel like that is just a picture of marriage in young kids and how everything can kind of file out around you so church patent Ruth, you have mentioned a couple times it's getting easier for you held your oldest is 15 so 15 to 8. The range of the kids. It is getting easier does get a little easier point self-sufficient. They can make us but dial back that when that demand was so high. What were some of the practical ways that you protected and guarded your marriage. Maybe this'll even sound uncomfortable at the expense of your teds right well. I think during that time it was really helpful for me is that Pat didn't look at me as the mom who had to do everything that he actually came alongside me and help me in so many just normal day-to-day tasks was huge for me during that time.

That really helped me get through. There's an area I could've done a better job I delegated to much better at that Patrick way to go.

You and have a free Patrick Roberson practical ways you protected the marriage is busy years and even today sure you I think for us. We like riches that we we both went into that understanding that this is a slang down her life for one another that Jesus calls a husband to lay down his life for his wife and his family just as he did for the church and so I think us, recognizing that this is something we had to do together.that alone helped carry some of those heavy burdens early on.

One of things we've we've done over the years is just redeem the time that we do have think often times we get so caught up in looking at all the time. We don't have in this busy season is I think looking at the time that we do have that can go a long way you even still today. Just Ruth and I going and walking the dog together is time that we do have. That's something I've got to do every single day, multiple times a day, but we can take that ordinary everyday event and use that as time together. We often times go to the grocery store together. Not not super romantic but again, just the two grocery story again.

What do you walk the aisles together or read do you divide the list up and then me tonight and we we divided by divide and conquer. Where in the car on the way there together and I think one of these weekends are kids of gotten holders could start getting involved in sports, you know, activities and extracurricular activities.

We've done our best to live with limits in any one of the mistakes we make his parents thinking that we have to give our kids the best of everything.

And I'm not sure that that's always the best thing for them in the long run it's I think we been very intentional about singing what God God does love marriage.

He loves the family and this time that we had together is so quick it's fleeting and so we want to keep that a priority as we become greedy with our time, but it does mean that we learn to live with limits and that means we need to say no to certain things that for us practically means that our kids are not involved in for five different events throughout the year and there's things that that we have to say no to that you can be involved in this but you can't be involved in that. You've got three other siblings in the family and so I think those kinds of things can go a long ways to cutting down and helping us to live with greater energy for one pet I got every emphasize that because what you said there is really good.

Don't want to give your kids the best of everything harsh you that is something walk away with today as well. So patent Ruth Schwenk are our guest today on Focus on the Family Lake written a terrific post great stories and practical tips for couples. It's called for better or for kids and get your copy got them here.

The details are in the officer's and now more of a conversation with Pat Schwenk. You mentioned the book.

Something about the missing how that caught my attention because I will emit vowel the missing Val what is it what you as a pastor I done all sorts of weddings had the joy of doing weddings and we've all been the weddings were officiated. Weddings we've seen you a couple stand at the altar and make those vows to one I pledge to you know love you in sickness and in health, good times and bad times we were rich or whether were poor and the more I did that as the years went on to begin to realize with big file dismissing that as kids join a couple in this journey that that's there's a tremendous Val that we need to make this vow to love one another with kids in the house and it's a missing Val for most of our ceremonies and yet it's an important one. That's a great observation.

Actually when you think about it we don't include that you had a little story that that was so funny about you guys getting out and getting away to a restaurant just to kinda get away from this is to resonate with every parent listening right now. What happened well to take date nights now that our kids are older. It's a little bit easier and we said the kids are asking where we are going and why are you doing that's in my leaving right now we need to get in and I think her oldest son Tyler is like what you want to get away from. I said it to be.

That is exactly what it was exactly as we had to patch up or wipe his tears away no understanding.

Marriage is really important in our home and I think we want to be an example to our children to the world but try to remember how we made our marriage a priority in our home cell. He didn't have to wipe telling us that your child is not going to remember that mom and dad left and retired as a positive modeling exam covers over my chest so I'm sure it actually taught were first or second marriage is the core of the that is something that we you we try to practice, but we also do you talk about we select one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is a God honoring marriage in a healthy marriage that that will have an impact on them for years and years to come.

Now let me put the pedal to you guys because I think in fact, the way we act sometimes is the opposite sure that our kids the most important thing our marriage is actually second because honey we have time to really concentrate on each other do now and it's justifiable. From a rational standpoint, there's lots of to do some tasks that need to be done in me loving you. Right now the way you need me to love you may not just man I we I don't have time.

But that's not a healthy way to look at it is it's the inverted position absolute. I think that's you. One of the things that it is so counterintuitive you know is kids come along.

The other is this shift in attention and affection from your spouse to your kids, and rightfully so mean kids demand and deserve a lot of time and energy and attention and affection and so I think the desire there for us to be great parents is a good thing. I think the dangerous thing is when that desire to be a good parent overshadows the desire to be a good spouse. And so we want to protect that we want to continue loving one another, serving one another, making time for one another, even when were trying to parent together.

I hope people are hearing what you're saying because it is so critically important that you suggest this idea of self-care also is a big part of the book describe for self-care what you're getting at, not neglecting who you are just taking time for yourself to be in God's word. First and foremost has to be our priority. My time constraints in my life. I know how I am your friend. And here we realize how many pockets of time are in our day. If we pay attention, you got five minutes here five minutes there and God says we can talk to him anytime. I'll take a moment just taking a moment and honestly I think as that busy busy mom that's what's got me through that. I know I don't have to have an hour every morning to spend with God.

I can spend five minutes here in five minutes there and certainly there may be a season that I can't spend a whole hour but is just making sure that God is the priority in my wrist. Yes, this is mom, you can carry a lot of guilt and I think men are much easier saying what's the other person's problem, not mine. Women tended on what have I not done what am I not doing as a mother.

When my not doing as a wife and that guilt is, compounds, and you feel bad about yourself and your self-care doesn't happen. Is it just kinda snowballs. I know women listening or going yeah that's me. I feel bad about every aspect of my life because I can't do it all perfectly to that woman who's there as my children get older struggle so much of guilt when they were a little older, I start to think I totally messed them up in this area or did I do this wrong and something that I just tried to remember over the years is that no matter what I do only reason that my children turnout at all because of God's grace and even grow up in a Christian home and he took care of me so certain he's going to take care of them. That's a good thing to remember that our imperfections actually what he perfects affection that he perfects more that's dangerous to run that line you mention five commitments that matter in times of trial, and I think this a good placed in the program.

One of those five commitments that we should take away from your book for better or for kids know that's a good well number one is this is that we trust what God says and not just how we feel critical point for us. We will pray and read God's word together regularly. We will keep Christ at the center, remembering that he's the one that gives us the resources that we need to keep marriage a priority to parent well and will be selfless lovers will commit to doing that in the final two final two.

I will talk often will talk openly and then finally will not lock through this alone and I think that's really fighting for your marriage even in the midst of all the uncertainties that life brings. Those are so good for married couples to remember. That's the place.

Reliving it is the kind of spiritual direction that we need to get us not only through the child rearing years, but also to the finish line were celebrating 5060 years of marriage and your kids and your grandkids saying while they do that and you have a testimony to God's love.

What a great conversation with Patrick and Ruth Schwenk on today's episode of focus on family and their message is so encouraging for couples in really any season, but especially those with children still in the home. I love how they emphasize making marriage a priority in the midst of parenthood that is so important and let me turn to you the listener. I hope you know Focus on the Family is here for you.

Your marriage is important to us. I know it's important to you, but we also want to be there with you and for you because it's important to God.

We have great resources available to you like Focus on the Family's marriage assessment.

I think over million people have done that one John it's free.

You can go and take it and it'll identify those things you're doing well at and probably a couple things you could do better and then give you some resources to help in that area. It's perfect and you know real families just like yours and mine. Tune into the broadcast looking for hope and couples in crisis broken family struggling parents lonely singles need encouragement to, but it is that biblical guidance that debacle hope and practical help that we want to be there to provide. God is using your support to reach literally millions of people each week as they tune into the broadcast podcasts, etc. and they hear the information and get an idea of the resources that will help them in their journey, you can share that hope by supporting the minister be a part of it. God sees that he's not blind to the fact that you're sending resources to help touch people's lives sought with a smile on my face. I want to encourage you to be with us that Jean and I support the ministry. Yes I did such a great way to touch people's lives you know just recently I was down Arizona John and my brother and I we happen. The play golf and we were there getting lunch.

After we played and this waitress came up to me and said are you Jim Daly and she started to cry and just thank us and I want to say thank you indirectly for changing her life.

She said my marriage was saved by focus.

My kids were help because of you in the ministry and what a great thing it was making me cry and it it's not an ego thing at all. I felt very humbled by it but be a part of the ministry, the Lord put you in that seat yet donate today and give a gift of any amount and will make sure to send a copy of Patrick and Ruth's great book for better or for kids about to love your spouse with kids in the house. It's our way of saying thank you for joining the support team in making that kind of ministry that you just described possible donate take the marriage assessment and get that book all the details are in the notes plan to join us tomorrow as we hear from the dad of a child with special needs, sharing how we learn to be honest with God through doubt and trials. I think he's waiting for us to tell him just what you just be honest about this thing just give it a really big God.

I've seen a lot harder cases. Let's just talk about on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ will Allie's husband was an alcoholic and verbally she wanted to leave but a Focus on the Family broadcast convinced her to stay well help father help Jim Daly thanks to the generosity of friends like you. Focus on the Family was there to strengthen and save Allie's family. We gave her hope for a better future and today her marriage is thriving.

Working together we can help more families like Allie's bringing God's truth in desperate situations gift today Focus on the Family.com/real family