Identifying Triggers in Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

Man I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have a marriage they've always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today I had to do the cleaning house of my idol and my thinking and it had to start with, that the Lord had to work in me to work on how I was going to die because regardless of whatever guy did or didn't do, even if he listening it did not mean that I had to send in so I had to start being humble and say okay trying to fix him is that working today were all about marriage member Leo joins us on Focus on the Family along with her husband guide to help you learn how to de-escalate and have a more peaceful relationship with your spouse, your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly and I John four John it's pretty normal for marriages to experience the up in your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly and John John. It's pretty normal for marriages to experience the urban flow of relationship you have those beautiful days those wonderful moments, and then you have the maybe not so wonderful moments like to tell you again where the milk is so Star Wars the irritating things right here some encouragement from the book of Hebrews Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and tomorrow maybe not you or your spouse. But Jesus is not something to stand on, no matter what things look like your spouse today. Rest in the fact that we have an unchanging God who is willing to comfort you and help you and transform your marriage. Today were going to bravely trudge through some areas that might be a little uncomfortable. The triggers in your marriage.

Every marriage has them and all of us need God's help to get through those things and kinda mature so this triggers don't trigger us, writing, and I've asked Jean my wonderful wife and accountability partner. I think it's wonderful that we have Jean along with this guy and Amberly are relationship coaches and co-owners of faith and family production company in Los Angeles and been married 14 years and have four boys and the written book together called marriage triggers exchanging spouses angry reactions for gentle biblical responses and we have that here the ministry give us a call 880 family or click the link in the episode notes to get your copy welcome each and every one of you know, I'm really looking forward to this. I think it's one of the core communication issues in marriage. How do we not trigger each other how to better understand those triggers and were going to get into that guy and Amber you came up with the idea so let's start with you. You describe your marriage as triggered from the start that sounds a little frightening.

Why was that the case and did you enjoy a little bit of a honeymoon. The word little man. Not very long. Things move very very quickly for us when we we got married within within a couple months we got pregnant and so we didn't have that time to develop ourselves and get to know our identity as a young married couple.

We quickly shifted directly into parenting and you know the extra room that was going to be the fun room suddenly turned into the babies room and you know all this should my wife is wonderful planner and so she shifted into high gear planning mode and painting and all the things I might wait a minute what is evidence of your growth. The fact that you just said she's a wonderful planner.

It sounded so heartfelt is to be like me and she plans everything is still as I will be a thing is what you those are one of the differences we have in our relationship.

She very much is the planner and she thinks 10 steps ahead and I'm very happy's thinking one or two steps ahead and being in the moment and so we we have to continually find that balance for ourselves. So I get the baby part but before that even there were other stressors going on for the newlyweds listening that may be going on my goodness that's my wife or that's my husband. What were some of those other stressors.

They say opposites attract an truth to that, but it also creates a lot of everyday practical problems and when you're in a friendship and dating and then you get married living with one another is a different beast, and even early on, just when, for example, we weighed I wanted to play in our new apartment, a wall of portraits you know I'm letting you make room for when baby comes on that planner and I thought we will shrink. I will do all the hammering USC football game plan is noted different at the time because we didn't at the time have the communication skills to work through those things together, which we want to offer people hope that that is possible at the time we went we were just triggered and easily provoked anger, and so we were reacting instead of responding to each other and that kind of went downhill from things happen then to the wall pictures and washed all done in the game got watched part of it so very happy about their place in the book so still it still exists is one of those days was a penalty for both became convinced that you'd married the wrong person. That's a big statement I married Mr. Ronald Fisher and he married Ms. all wrong. We got it all wrong. I used to think well I believe in God's sovereignty, but politeness was a mistake. I really felt that way early on, even though I left and a lot of the time. I liked him. We had so many triggers that I wondered how is this can happen how we can navigate this for the rest of our lives and it wasn't until God started working on me personally after I nagged and argued and yelled for a really long time and it didn't work. The Lord eventually started to see Amber you are Ms. all wrong and he's Mr. wrong, but that's because nobody is perfect. There is no perfect person, except for Jesus Christ and so as long as you continue to be prideful and argue you are not going to live life to the full, or have the marriage that I designed because then she say I do you do become a match made in heaven and sell that's what I had to come to know that we made a vow God did bring us together. He is wrong I'm wrong, but that's because were PT people that are sinful.

We need to yield to being perfected in Christ day by day and that's what is right for each other as you described it one of the things that certainly Jean, I've encountered you and Dana.

Jonah probably encountered the stew it's hard to like it said this way. Get your fingers out of your ears because I think we get into the habit in her marital relationships were more pain your causing me. The more trigger your causing me the harder I stuff my fingers in my ears because I don't hear it and it is the exact opposite of what the Lord wants from you write access blinders.

It filters us to not being able to hear or see that is a fork in the road in your relationship you decide if that's where you want to live in constant conflict.

Amber came up with this wonderful principle that I think is one of the pivotal things in her book and in our marriage is the development of a me first attitude at first thought, that sounds like prideful me. First I want to get what I want.

It's actually the flip of that. It's the if I want my wife to be more loving than I need to start with me and I need to be more loving if I want her to be more understanding and compassion about my needs. I need to show her that compassion and understanding of her needs first. Be first, and it changes everything was a good foundation and obviously let's go to some of the triggers and as I want to hit those lists and you come back next time to really keep this discussion going and you must tell the world about all my is but one thing Amber you identified with and Jean said yeah that's one for me to use when the house is a mess. That's a trigger house at a trigger that I mean are Diane I triggering this and you and Jean every marriage is unique.

Right because he's got two unique personalities Unique marriage personality, but for a lot of couples we found that one or the other is more bothered by clutter or dirtiness which are to think sometimes the house is very clean. Wives will tell their cousins in the you know are coming after being gone from work in the house is clean is just clutter. I'm trying really hard but so for kyanite. He's not as bothered or triggered by clutter as I am. And when you're home a lot like I was with our kids when they were young, a lot of couples will tell us this is such a problem, and so I had to disrupt that habit of being reacting, being quick to anger, and I believe God when he said be slow to anger, you know, be quick to listen and I had to say okay brass what can we do together to tackle this email put some things in place communicates part of it was just me practically having to get some better storage bins for the next teaching the kids to take on a little bit more responsibility at your biggest trigger overwhelmed by the time triggers that you have but take one at a time and we would do that. Let the constant clutter is not working for me. What can we do to strategize together. I want to keep reacting. I want to be more proactive if I can see from my side of things. You know I was working really intense job word be at work 10 to 12 hours a day I come home and Amber Scott you know two or three for kids at home that this time it was three kids to them still in diapers and I come home and could barely open the door because there's like toys all over the floor. You know, and I'm walking into that: like I just got off work and I should come in the house that's clean and ready and you know want to be frustrated or I wouldn't say anything and I would love I would allow that trigger to kinda bubble up and me and it would immediately push me towards frustration anger right away. But until I gained a full understanding of what her day was like with those kids in the house by herself without a lot of friends all in on this new neighborhood that we had moved into until I had a better understanding of what her days were like. I was triggered very quickly and so once we had a better understanding of that and allowed me to be more understanding of walking into that knowing I went to a job loss allow that when a good thing in the end God used it for good, because he was home and see how difficult it lies things better for let me ask God for those spouses who who can't walk in those shoes then who do have that stressful job in our stress out. Well I can. That's Jim as well letter in the chaos, what advice do you have for them.

I want to say that it's really simple one, but I just think that you have to have an understanding of what your spouse what their day is like what they're going through. And again it goes back to me first attitude a little bit when you are concentrating on yourself. Think about what your attitude is going into something I think you can get a better understanding of what you're walking into with your health even call me on the way home working on the habit of doing that just to get Alanna Landfield for the environment. He was walking into so he could prepare himself mentally. Take a moment, either in traffic or write out front of the house while in the car just house a goal and wanted to know what I would know Dean as soon when you want.

I knew that I was walking sounds more like military communication is yourself for the land that was very good of the ladies on this house being clean thing. Now let's go to guy one guy when it comes to us being triggered big backseat driving terrible thing is to backseat driver, absolutely. But we work through that good. I'm glad I was up early you had a thriving think with the two of you. What happened will respond yeah you so we live in Los Angeles and it is just crazy is fill every hole.

It's traffic for hours. It's just nuts. And on this particular evening we were driving back to the little bit and we were.

I was changing lanes and someone in front of me just changed right in front of me and caused me to have to jerked the wheel to get out of the way and Amber immediately was like guy what you doing you should drive like that in this immediately lash out at me like it wasn't me it was the defensive and take it and swerve. Would you have been hit. Oh, absolutely. Okay.

However, the principal's willingness to work it out that night is successful, but neither is the truth is the habit of mine and danger. I was always telling him how to drive. I admit what what I was able to do is to think the best about my wife and realize that she wasn't lashing out at me in my bed driving. She was actually lashing out at her sense of safety for our four kids were in the backseat. Most of the time so she be in the mama bear her concern was safety for them and so that's where her frustration was coming from. So I just had to realize that it wasn't towards me. It was literally about the situation and allowed me to accept that much weight and it really changed it still crops up from time to time doesn't work anything marriage. Do you know every day is different so it still comes up in conversation and I did not mean it was so constant that we were getting frustrated in the car to drive together a lot for the next many years. We gotta figure this out.

So I was okay.

I'm in a focus on you. You're the driver you focus on driving on the passenger. I will work on being a passenger and not a driver and I will try to allow my anxieties to take a backseat. You know yet, but the question is how did you control your tongue that's what I bite my tongue literally am not kidding.

I just like bite my tongue a camber.

We started listening to podcasts or books on tape just to distract the instructional driving you like a small thing being a backseat to really the perpetual interjections of summons writing it gets to you. It just creates a layer of frustration that you may not even pick up on overtly so now, and guys writing I'm in charge of the map and not any hey turkey was to turn now but I still do actually take the scenic route enough to go the way I would tell it's okay that's good is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and his wife Jean are guests also include God and Amber Leah were talking about the book by the Leo's marriage triggers exchanging spouses angry reactions for gentle biblical responses.

Great resource. We got it here at the ministry give us a call 880 family or click the link in the episode notes to get your copy and Amber. I can relate to this next trigger. Actually, I can relate to all the triggers over signing off.

I mentioned that you've had at struggle with an intimacy idol in your relationship because you didn't feel a lot. Tell us about the yes I had very many preconceived notions and expectations about what our marriage was supposed to look like and for as I thought it was going to be a lot of security financially white picket guy will go to work.

I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and work from home on occasion, and the Lord he's got all his plans for us are good and they work together for good, but in those early years. I didn't think much of the plans. That guy was making for our family were good, and so I had this idol of closeness and intimacy that he was gonna do things my way. We were going to be on the same page and when that didn't happen. It caused me to become really bitter and so no matter what guy would say or do.

He couldn't get it right right and that is a really dangerous place to be and it's a painful place to be when it sets up conflict. Obviously Gina just for people to understand your connection with this. What were you feeling and I think it's rooted in expectations that started with absolutely that we have unrealistic expectations and I would say you the maybe the greatest thing that I've learned through marriage is that your spouse cannot read your mind and I can remember being hurt that Jim couldn't read my mind. He didn't know everything that I expected, and if I had to tell them what I was expecting that. That made me angry and until I recognize that is so unfair. Only Jesus only God could read our God, sit down with your spouse and during the season and say okay this is really what my expectations are for my birthday or when you come home for workers. These are my expectations for when I come home from work and how can we get the once funny you should bring that up on Berkeley where Jane said to me, I just, you know, I'm not sure you can tell us all motivation behind this, but said you know I really don't want anything for my birthday. I'm good this year.

Basically very crisp right attitude… Well so birthday comes and you know we have dinner in the next day, I can tell she's not happy.

My what's the matter you didn't even give me a card for my birthday. Well I know what I want you said anything is like a gift card anything but that wasn't quite now and I still we we were and what you have, what I meant was I didn't want Jim to buy me a gift. I didn't want Jim and the boys.

By that didn't mean I didn't want homemade cards from the boys that I wanted fully letting you off as she was actually living the boys. My mom, so I will truly after that there I was able to say to Jim okay these are my expectations for my boys to make a handwritten words that you said this with Christmas right your second creat battle right and we were so excited to stockings. You you guys yeah excited when she said she wanted to stockings of relief said that was the tradition of our family because that was something that was a tradition that my family had of the night before Christmas we would always get together open the stockings and was so much fun but are stockings would be filled with gag gifts and little funny things and just crazy stuff and we do even a white elephant thing reviewed and ups and left the bed gift around them and it was so much fun embers stalking for me was filled with cologne and movie tickets and all this wonderful you know oils in different fun things and it was, and I was pretty sure that pulling that red feather boa out of my Christmas stocking that we were going to make it to Christmas so thoughtful.

All these favorite things in his stocking valuable gifts and I had just gag gift after gag gift and I just thought while we are really living in two different planets Amber guy and Jean. I just at the end here think it's important to really hone in on that idea of coveting the ideal marriage. Having that high high possible expectation. I guess Amber that you describe in your book. I want to again address that. Why is that really one of the most damaging things to American when you have an idol in your thinking and you don't even realize that because your spouse is not living up to your expectations or your marriage or your circumstances. The life that you've created is not the life that you hoped for and prayed for you have a choice to make. At some point in that moment you can continue to be triggered and angry and bitter and you can go down a path toward destruction because Satan is alive and well and he is seeking whom he may devour and were convinced that he was trying to devour us in this early years of our marriage and and even now he still is on the attack but the other option was to recognize that my desire for what I want is either going to become so obsessive that I sang if I don't have it and that isn't idol in my life because I covet more than putting on humility, compassionate heart, kindness and forgiveness and being open to trusting God with my marriage and my husband and my life and so I had to tear down all those idols of what I wanted and I had to start approaching guy differently and he had to start approaching me differently and ultimately we had to say our lives are not our own. If I am so fixated on guys, you know, ability to make me happy or not, or my circumstances to be ideal. Then I will always be miserable because in this world.

I will have trouble. But Jesus says fear not for I have overcome the world. So I had to do the cleaning house of my idols and my thinking and it had to start with me, that the Lord had to work in me to work on how I was going to love God because regardless of whatever guy did or didn't do, even if he was sending it did not mean that I had to sent and so I had to start being humble and saying okay Lord trying to fix him isn't working so good that such a great place, I would say most of marriage counseling tries to get at the realization that if you can get there. Your marriage is actually going to be in a good place over the long haul and that's what we try to do with hope restored couples would come to our intensive marriage counseling and no these are really broken relationships and it's amazing that you post to your survey that we do with these couples, 81% is now the number of couples that are doing better and you ask Dr. Bob Paul, the one who's responsible for the clinical side of the effort. It really is teaching couples how to communicate and when they get that skill set, their marriages actually can do much better and thrives, which is the goal of this is been really great. We've got a come back next time and were going to talk about more triggers the hopefully you know some of this is a lighthearted sum of its very serious as you just described our goal here focuses and make sure that your marriage is doing as well, as it can do, especially as Christians you look at the culture right now we need to be committed to the Lord in our marriages. People are watching and they want to see is really something different. Do they really love each other, where there supposed to and I think it's a wonderful challenge is not something to shrink back from it's a good thing.

Let's show the world what Jesus does in our marriages because there that different from those that don't know the Lord and I would love for you to get a copy of this book.

If you can become a monthly sustaining partner for Focus on the Family that would be great. It really helps us out to know month-to-month what the budget is and can be also in your copy of marriage triggers as our way of saying thank you and if you can't do that monthly we get it one time gift is also deeply appreciated and will get the book out to you for that gift as well and you've heard me say it before but if you can afford will get it to you because we believe in the content. Just call us and we will trust that other donors will take care of the cost we care about you. We believe in the content we put out here Focus on the Family and we want you to have the best marriage you could possibly have in this world yes will get in touch and please let us know how we can help you. Our number is 800 K and the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes we've got the link right there for you Amber guy G come back and you sure you want to go but I love will continue next time with a look at Jim Jean's marriage you some more prep for joining us today on behalf of Jim and team John Fuller and you plan to be with us next time. As we continue the conversation once more help you and your family with a woman discovers her husband struggled. She needs a practical plan. The least book from Focus on the Family aftershock but professional counselor Joanne Conti will help you through the seven steps of self-care and to learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction doing Conti's timeless wisdom. If you hope, even while you're in your own season of aftershock. Learn more about aftershock focusonthefamily.com/store