Staying Together When You Feel Like Leaving (Part 2 of 2)

Man I knew my marriage was falling apart.

I just didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they've always dreamed of. For the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today and one morning they said mommy need to pray for that agent of Jesus, I thought that Achille Biden said you know you're right that we started to pray and really that where, through prayer. The last time on Focus on the Family we heard amazing story from Bill and Vicki Rhodes.

They had very troubled marriage. They were separated. A number of years and you're going to hear how God restored today's focus broadcast Pres. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us I'm John John and folks missed last time that the download CD because it's really a set up today and go to recap it briefly and they won't do justice to the story but are guests of Bill and Vicki Rose. They were married that God was not part of their life and their living the high life in Manhattan and doing what people do. They were trying to succeed. They describe themselves as both type A personalities and Vicki talked about that longing in her heart. She didn't know why she was leaning so hard on Bill to fill all the voids that were in her heart but that's part of the process and she described a very, very well. They both got into cocaine as they were separated.

They both had affairs during that time. I can't imagine anybody being more broken in that way and it's it's a good thing because God use that brokenness to reach their hearts and wouldn't talk about that aspect of their testimony today. Bill and Vicki welcome back. We left off last time with the invitation that you'd received to hear our own Donna Barber hotel speak at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel there in New York. He was then secretary of interior and how his and Barbara's words compelled you to think about Christ and that is beautiful, but I wanted to peel it back a little bit and just go back to some of those moments you said last time that your heart wasn't ready at certain points that your friends would say read the Psalms and you read him and didn't connect with you and I have friends that have been in that spot and are today not quite there yet. Talk about a moment or two where God began to pry open your heart so you could hear his word and what made the difference. I think I question Billy and I about two months before we separated, went on vacation to Hilton Head, South Carolina was nice.

It was beautiful weather and I remember sitting on a beach chair looking out at the ocean. There were families all around kids playing and analyzed by myself Billy was in the hotel room trying to detox himself from cocaine.

I just sat there, sobbing. I want to be one of those families with the kids and the parents all playing together.

I don't want to be this person sitting here by myself on the beach. My kids at home in New York with a babysitter. My husband locked up in the hotel room trying to get off drugs and I just felt the date crushing weight of happy emptiness. The fear that I was lonely and I didn't know what the answer lies and I had always sort of self medicated on us with things shopping marrying good great job achieving the first one places Byron you know dressing really well and all that I walked out of Sachs Fifth Avenue where I worked every day with a shopping bag. We had a discount and so I could buy something new every day Billy sat paid them to work there because I thought if I look great. I had the newest clothes that everything will be all right. But the more I did all of that none of it worked and it is just this this crushing emptiness bill. All this is going on your back in that hotel room the biggies describing tell us about where you're at spiritually and emotionally. Vicki is awakening to the Lord your trying to get off cocaine. I'm just a dark place dark place empty. I'm probably also in tears and I have a hard time seeing my future so desperate really yes and Vicki turn to the Lord as we talked about you guys are separated. How did you come back together.

What conversation did you have and what did it sound like when you said hey Bill were Jewish. But guess what, I just accepted Jesus Christ have that conversation jumping on this one because she invited me to dinner to this place called it's not there anymore, but is a very famous person. Your quality lanes. Billy Joel song and so we went there and Vicki tells me about her newfound faith and she's all gung ho and she tells me that if I don't believe what she believes.

I'm going to hell my parents are going to hell all perishing were were were done.

I'm thinking honey that's great but you know this is not the kind of guy that I will. I want to be part of minds a lot more benevolent and what she was saying was not untrue. It was just the delivery of of the message which was a little harsh little black and white and got your attention. Well I got my attention but I thought I really also thought it was a fad that she was just going to go through that would go away. So what happened Vicki what the next days, weeks, months, years, and into your opening your heart to the Lord, you made a profession of faith to sort things out well, I didn't. I did so I answered that after that dinners my friend gave me a book called leading little ones to God and I started reading it to our children Douglas and Courtney at breakfast and held her that this this point they were four and six and one morning they said mommy we need to pray for daddy to Jesus, I thought that a Kellan but I didn't say it I said you know you're right. We need to pray and so we started to pray and really that's where it happened was through prayer and God answer those prayers every morning at breakfast Douglas and Courtney and I would pray for daddy's come to know Jesus every night only talking the bad same thing and I started asking that same prayer requests at every Bible study.

I called prayer hotlines.

Now you may have had one that I probably called it, and I just kept putting Bellerose for salvation's name on and anybody who would pray for you called me up and invited me to lunch and liquids. The downtown athletic club and she thought she had remembered that I did mention regarding Bobby Richardson, Bobby Richardson was my hero growing up was a second baseman on the Yankees. He let off for number one. I played for the Yankees. I let all thought were number one annually that I didn't even do was always a source that are and told me Bobby was good be speaking but I'd be interested.

And I said sure so I want to hear Bobby speak, and he was very eloquent and we spoke after lunch and came back with me to the sporting club, which was the restaurant that I owned and probably spent a good two hours there with me sharing Christ with me and I still was not ready to accept Christ at the time he was planting seeds and he prayed for me and gave me a lot of food for thought right and did you realize that Vicki that that conversation was going on praying a lot of people are praying and really more than anything people say some people asked me how did you get him to believe that I didn't got dead because that's the truth.

A person cannot change another person, but God can. Now let's talk about your kids, because we haven't touched on that.

Your children seem very in tune spiritually to suggest that we pray for daddy mom, let's do this at age 4 and six would talk about the impact of what they were feeling watching you. Did you talk about where you were with them openly or is it still smiling yeah sell anything new. We were separated Friday.

They ask questions when Jesus Christ came and me and into our home. They followed suit. They both wanted that relationship as little children, and I remember with Courtney at age she was four or five asking on the right with a picture from school afternoon. We are walking home. He said mommy I want Jesus in my heart and really the three of us would go to church every Saturday to see me standing… Tears streaming down my face praising and praying and that's what they wanted and and they both have a strong faith today. They married strong believers there raising our four grandchildren in the Lord. This is these are miracles.

These are things that God has done. Not that we did at all.

I just as I was thinking about this verse that comes to my mind is back in Malachi where it says that God hates divorce.

He talks about wanting marriage in that passage to stay for godly offspring and I just see how God has made that happen in our family will talk about again that reuniting and how God brought the together to what was the phone call I did you talk by phone and said Bill knows that it happened after I came to know what I started reading my Bible lunch at work and one day I read Matthew chapter 6. Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear. See how the lilies of the field are close and so on, and it ended up with seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and I thought wow, here I am at work every day. I wonder how much I'm really taking home and happy know how much it cost me to go to work the nanny that it's the first time I ever had that thought I was always driven like a have to work I have to do this at its I write out a list of what it cost me to go to work close Subway fairy umbrella and I subtracted was not much shocked I thought this passage is time to seek first God's kingdom and I'm not even home to raise my children seek first God's kingdom and nanny as he doesn't believe what I believe and so I just pray I looked at my when I thought how my doing this selling ugly dresses making ugly dresses to sell to people who don't even care at I was offered a job at the Bible study with a Bible study was asked and how much they were paying. They said no minimum wage thing was five dollars an hour back then and I was making a corporate salary that got so change my heart and to keep this up to make a long story short, I accepted the job and left my job at Macy's and started working part time at the ministry where the Bible study was held that I could be home full-time with the kids. I'm just doing their school hours so I was now working for the ministry that held a dinner party and I started inviting Billy to these dinners okay and so it was three years from the time I prayed to receive Christ till the time he did at one of these dinners. Well, it says a lot about your resilience because in that circumstance. A lot of spouses might give up. Three years is a long time to hope that one night we were separated for 1/2 years so I like about that because we've done a lot of counseling and I know you talked about that at the very beginning of our first day, and that's really what has helped us so much. Wade through so many of our issues. Let me ask you this question. When you look at marriage you guys have been through the ringer.

It's so obvious why is marriage so important to now is believers. Why is it important for the culture to see marriage in a different way not like your changing dresses as you would say Vicki why is marriage important mags meant to be a picture of Christ and the church, his bride to the covenant that God has and so when Christian marriages and in the covenant is broken. Satan wins Satan when Satan wins. That's important to do everything you can do and also the other very important part of that is that if intermarriage each of us turns to God. God can change each of us. God can work through most difficult circumstances which he did a nice he brought about forgiveness in my heart. God did so when I needed to forgive, and asked Billy for forgiveness for the things I had done I started to pray long before Billy came home that God would work that out in my heart forgiveness because it's a supernatural act forgiveness. It has to. I had to be willing to forgive that God had to make that happen. My heart and continue stealing our marriage for both of them start our kids to forgive me for what reports are that had to be a special moment for you as a father to say that how they respond that they forgive they were so thrilled.

This was their prayer for us to be together. They used to say throughout three years if he comes to know Jesus will he come home we be back together as a family and my response was always, we don't know our hope is in the Lord and I love what Francis and Lisa Chan said marriage is great and is is meant to be a picture of Christ and his church. But Jesus is the thing. Marriage is not the thing right so for us. We still have so many issues and we still work through those.

But Jesus is who we strive towards to be more like him for a lost world to know him well. It's well said and everything flows from the right as you now know Bill, I did not hear though that day that moment where you sit Jesus come into my life it was. It was a Christmas dinner at the Demoss house as well and I heard a story that night really touched my heart. That's when I checked the box that I prayed to receive Christ and there was one thing I starts take care of because I was still addicted to Coke about three months later I checked myself into a rehab and I remember started to go through their horrendous withdrawals that prevented me from stopping and I got on my knees and start praying to God, I just accepted three months earlier and the best way I can describe it is like it was an out of body experience. I knew immediately the withdrawal symptoms were lifted and in the I was I was free and I mean since then I never had a desire to do Coke is not something he just took that away from you). And that's a powerful testimony. It's a tough drug it is.

It is very tough to get off so it was. I was truly a miracle were obviously a very emotional moment here for for you. Bill and I I know there are people that are tuning in and they're identifying with the pain that you experience perhaps not through a cocaine addiction and a separation and so many obvious mistakes in her life.

But here at Focus on the Family we want to be there for you.

If you're struggling and were phone call away her numbers 800 K and the word family 800-232-6459 and Bill and Vicki Rose are our guest today on focus and this book is every reason to leave and why we chose to stay together. It's a God story of restoration and redemption ability think it be best to be honest though, the wall God took that cocaine addiction away. There were still a lot of hard steps in front of you right me in your life. Didn't suddenly become all rosy and wonderful know the war there were many adjustments on YouTube people that were living separately but have to put our lives back together again. When did you put that desire in your heart to consider that what I considered to sort of immediately afterwards when I was living with 1 foot beach world. I was dating Vicki coastal dating other people, and there was a friend of ours Peter Weber basically who one afternoon said you know stop you to make a decision. So that's when I move back in.

My mom died doing December 1991 and I told her keep. A few days later I was coming back home and our son who was composed of 10 wrote a paper for school best day ever. It was that he had come home and seen daddy suitcases in the hallway and so you know it's been a struggle. It's been not a struggle we had good times with no tough times this last year's been a big battle, but we are persevering through and we continue to work go marriage is a continuous effort to really make it work, but it's worth it is so worth it.

And the culture needs to hear that coming.

That's one of the biggest difficulties. People think that they can simply make a quick decision try on a new coat many new spouse and things will get better, but typically that's not what happened within the same mistakes I assess and just happens is just history repeat itself exactly right that we each take ourselves and into the next relationship or into any other relationship.

One of the keys in healthy good matches. Each person has to keep growing on growing in Christ when you look back now, after almost 40 years of being married. In all these ups and downs. Again, a tragic story of beautiful story. I think when I hear your story. The thing that I'm so impressed with his your children to be honest with you, they caught some things and those lessons that are impressive fact that they married strong believers and that they were committed to you. Bill is there. Dad made such an impact that when you suitcases came in I saw them they knew their prayers have been answered. Your kids are quite a story in here to. We are so grateful every morning Billy leads us in prayer before we go about our day and every morning we thank God for our kids and you will our grandchildren so much happiness spewing out and we we had to or two children and the kids. They married really all four waited for marriage this day and age is it's amazing again that the Lord took them in the ashes of what you guys lived and really restore them in your children's life and that's the key is God. People say what you do with your children. I said you know it's in spite of what we did that God brought them to himself in and gave them such a love for himself. We were very honest with them.

We didn't try to pretend everything was fine.

I never Billy Tynan one day that he wished we had waited for marriage know that that was something we both regret it. So we were very honest with our children about the mistakes we made the things we wish we had done differently that it was God that was another glue right now and I'm in a relationship, not anything about us that all God relates God when you look at marriage and the importance of it as you described. It's an image of Christ.

Christ is the Cora love the way you just said that when I look at it is very simple. It feels like to me that marriage is about learning to be more like him and there's no other relationship quite like marriage to do that because what you learned you have to give of yourself. You have to become more selfless and that is a picture of Christ.

That's what he's done for us. That's what he did 2000 years ago was to give himself for us, and that to me is the core of marriage and that's what makes it so difficult because our human nature wants to be focused on us and me and what the Lord is saying. I think with marriage is learn to be more like me by laying your life down for your mate and it's hard to do when you don't like your spouse is.

It is every day. It's a choice every day.

I have a choice to make to be patient and kind to let no unwholesome talk come out of my mouth every day. I choose to ask Christ how to be more like him in our relationship. It doesn't come naturally to me.

I don't know if it does other people that I know I don't think I don't think it dies and it's it is a choice every morning.

Every morning I have to spend a long time with the Lord to get myself off the throne and put God in you and him him and I say out loud in my quiet time. God you are God. I am not I am your servant, and empty me of me today only with you so that I can be kind and patient and compassionate and all the other things that I am not if you two are doing marriage counseling. Let's say right from this recording you're going to go to the Focus on the Family counseling department here and you're gonna get on the phones and you take calls from people when that young couple called who says you know we just been married a year were having all these difficulties, what would you say to them, first thing I say I'm not a counselor that for me, the most important first important thing in a marriage is for each person to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, seek God first as if each of us is doing that then were going to be forgiving was going to be compassionate and kind, patient, less selfish, Bill and Vicki Rose have been our guest today on Focus on the Family and powerful conversations help many many couples, perhaps even you might be in a difficult spot.

You might've related to some of what they shared. We do have caring Christian counselors here on Stefan as a starting point, you can request a consultation with those counselors when you give us a call and if you don't know the Lord, we invite you to begin a relationship with Jesus Christ as the foundation for the rest your life and we'd love to introduce you to him and that way.

I also want to emphasize our ministry for couples called hope restored if you're headed for divorce or your heading for separation. This is the place to go call us and get more information and details on what you can do to go to that intensive counseling experience for a few days and really get your marriage on the right track that we have several locations and it really is a silver bullet, 81% success rate after two years.

Those marriages we go back and survey their doing 81% are doing better and that's wonderful news and still married. I hope you'll support the ministry or Focus on the Family. Maybe you've been encouraged by the work that we do. Maybe your marriage has been saved because of God's work through focus. Please consider joining us to save other marriages and do the other many things that this ministry is about. I do hope you'll join us if you can, with the monthly gift today. When you donate any amount will send you Vicki's book.

Every reason to leave and why we chose to stay together will inspire you and give you some new perspectives on what really matters. It might be for yourself or someone you know that is struggling ask for that book when you get in touch and if you're only able to make a one-time gift. Right now we understand and will still be happy to send it either way monthly for one-time gift call today 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 four. Check the episode notes for the details on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband struggled with pornography. She needs a practical plan. The latest book from Focus on the Family aftershock but professional counselor Joanne Conti will help you through the seven steps of self-care and to learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction doing Conti's timeless wisdom.

If you hope, even while you're in your own season of aftershock. Learn more about aftershock@focusonthefamily.com/store