Nurturing Your Child's Purpose and Passion

Find fun for your kids.

Just a click away seeing the adventures in Odyssey club for 8 to 12-year-old buying trusted faith building entertainment in a safe online club features almost every episode ever by special monthly club only episodes and content and of Focus on the Family clubhouse magazine subscription. Sign up today. Just go to a I/O club.org/radio the main thing I think is to help our kids develop a love relationship like to teach them who got here because then make contrast to God's going to fulfill that purpose in their life that Cindy Claypool believe she's our guest today on Focus on the Family. Thanks for joining us your hostess books. President and Dr. Jim Daly and I John John. Every parent wants to raise their children to be resilient, confident, with a solid identity in Christ. That is the goal, but sometimes it feels like your kids are under attack in the social media plays a role. It is just heavy all the drama the competition it can just whether a good child's heart.

I hear Focus on the Family it's our aim to provide you with the tools you need to build up your child in a healthy positive and godly way so that they can function as healthy adults. That's the goal right. How do we launch these kids into this world to live for him and that we recognize parenting can have its challenges, but you know what, there are tools that we want to give you and this is one of them send is written. This great book God confident kids helping your child find true purpose, passion and peace, who doesn't have their hand up for that right now, so it is good to have her and we got copies of that book. Just click the link in the episode notes and Cindy Claypool.

Denise is an associate marriage and family therapist in a very popular speaker and obviously with that book. She's an author as well. Jim said it's great to have you Focus on the Family thank you so my 23 to be here. Yeah, that's good.

It's fun. Let me ask you as a therapist you're working with families all the time. What are some of the struggles that young people are dealing with today were you seeing in your practice. You know what's really interesting is the extra anxiety and stress and depression. I talk about that in the book is just this generation has more anxiety, more depression than any generation before.

Why do you think that is what I really think it's the eight that comparison generation people are growing up in Iran. There's a number of reasons, but I keep going back to that comparison generation that were in their growing up. The average age I thought that kids get a cell phone is 10 years and so when they get there on social media, and they can compare themselves to others and so they're saying it's not like all of there used to be this party that you might have heard about but you weren't invited. And it wasn't really attack your soul but now on social media, you're able to actually see all those people had a party and I wasn't invited your son in first grade. You can have eye-opening yeah it's there. What happened yeah cell four years old, he became passionate about filmmaking and never let go and and and I should say to any listeners that is not normal, so don't expect that your kid then at three years old wants to be. That is going to continue to always want to be a vet called into it, but I think God gave passion because God knew that school is going to be incredibly hard for him and five years old. He's he's an amazing he's an extrovert and his first word was high and I and when he went to kindergarten.

He was all about that. I mean, he was social and he went to all these friends houses and he got the highest academic award and reading and so he's going in the first grade thinking okay it's gonna be just the same, but it wasn't.

And we didn't know when the kids weren't saying mean things to him and the teacher hadn't even told us by putting him to bed one night and he says to me, mom, why am I so stupid and that is what we can even said that was the S word right you don't say about other people other things. Nothing. We don't use that word and then he was saying about himself and I just wrecked my soul and I said why would you possibly think that he said because everyone finishes their schoolwork faster than me and he goes back to that comparison. The other kids were teasing him, but he was looking at what they were doing and he felt he wasn't measuring up and that's where that definition of self-confidence I think comes from is it's not about what we think just how we think we are is what we think other people think we are right and for him. He had deduced that he was stupid and that took us on a long journey with it IP's individualized education plan. My husband had dyslexia and so he had already spotted in kindergarten because Ellie had a hard time differentiating between 12 and 21 and DBP and nine. Think about it there all the classics and it just all spins around in his mind, so that we was really hard for him but because he was passionate about film. We were able to use that like okay nobody to give you big-budget if you can't count to hundred multiplication you know so was that piece that we found was really that bread that helped him get through school is that ultimate goal of Q1 be a filmmaker and to be able to encourage him because it was really difficult for you had some difficulty to write about that in the book what would happen in your childhood and what gave you probably sympathy maybe guide you toward becoming a counselor.

Yeah. So it was yelling those things happen.

As parents, and we all of a sudden go back to when we were kids, and that's what happened to me I'm like oh my goodness he's going to have this because I had no self-confidence and because I was dealing with health issues when I was little and I developed really bad as now about third fourth grade and they put me on this medicine that made me really tired. On top of it and so I didn't want people to know I was wheezing and take these really shallow, but of course when you take really shallow so I didn't know that's 1/4 grade 1st time I passed out I was so mortified I was. It was a combination class and so the Republic 40 kids. I'm in the middle of the classrooms. Everybody's looking at me and him down like well and then the first day back after they ran always has the thought had leukemia all his stuff and then the first day back to school. I passed out again and then I decided not God did not know what you're doing when you put me together and I decide I asked you somehow and is for an but by eighth grade I totally regretted that decision. I knew the verse that said that God would never let Satan pluck me out of his hand was mad about that because I likely becoming unchristian. I don't like God it wasn't that I ever had a question.

Is there a God, nor isn't there a God is God, yeah.

Like there was a God sending me together a little bit better about this program apparently know I appreciate the someone any people approach that will look back on two years and what did it take yeah you know God sometimes takes years and sometimes for me and eighth grade I had gotten to you know their theirs and Sally Burke present moms in prayer we write books on prayer and and we talk about the importance of being thankful and how that can you know the more you thankful and how that actually their science behind how that boost your brain and your positivity and but the opposite is true. And so that's I was in eighth grade I was like well like my nose. I don't like my loans. I always have had these horrible allergies, and so I had even wrote a poem about all the horrible things that God had done while it is so dedicated to being the fourth of six kids.

I didn't tell anyone and nobody knew that I was feeling so depressed and I was just done. I was tired and I actually sat on the floor in my living room with encyclopedias think the Lord that there was an Internet at the time because I want to figure out how to write in my life I didn't even know if I'm not sure if I knew the word suicide. I just wanted to be done. How do I finish this and get over this. I'm tired. I don't like God.

I don't like my life.

I'm just done, but has not happened to do it was wrestling through all of that. My parents have become really involved in Sunday school and church and is so not going to church was not an option that wasn't to make waves because you don't want people looking at me and so I had a son in the Sunday school class.

One of the Sunday school teachers was going to miss points for reading the Bible and so I thought well I do love points but I want nothing to do with God, and that's what I told him so every time you niceness to pray before you read Bible what I was told that my prayer was God. I do not like you I am reading my Bible for points and not for you and then I would read Bible but God's word does not return void.

This is a man I was the Psalms and I love to read and so was a problem I like to stay in the guise like excited and then is depressed that you know is all over the place. But then I got to someone 39 and that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, and it just struck me think I just put me where I could actually hear that and that I was fearfully and wonderfully made that he had he had believed me and my mother's womb, and I might wait. Maybe he does have a purpose. Maybe I wasn't just that the forgotten front of the family.

Maybe there was a purpose and intentionality on this and that the fate of Ephesians 210 verse you know that we are God's masterpiece were handcrafted by God himself for good purpose that he prepared in advance for us to do and so at that time I decided not I want to know what my good purposes. Why did God create me. This is always good as eighth grade I know is your great things in life limit. Let me ask you though.

I mean all of the does set up a heart for children which is what you're all about families and helping them. I think the big question that is given your experience personally in than what you've seen even in your own children Europe counsel, you know, what's the answer to this this hunger for knowing who I am and what I'm about, really close to me. What I see in the Bible and what I've experienced with God is it's not about the rules and regulations I've seen so many parents that are like your hair has to be cut short our you have to be you know your five minutes after. I'm not saying that you know there's the curfews, all of that but there's work, you know very much about the rules and regulations of this is how I want I could to rate be raised, but there's the heart that needs to be addressed and that passion for God not just going to church but developing a passion for got a love relationship with God, and that's what I talk about in the book throughout is how the Bible talks about that.

It's this love relationship with the Lord and how can we help our kids learn that that's what's going to carry them through all those you know my son sitting there not being able to read the test questions, but God's way and if he fully understands that he can pray and ask God to help him and whether he fails the test or not. It's that peace that God can bring. Knowing that Romans 828. The cops gonna work all things together for something you mentioned that I did what In your touching on it knows that I do so let your kids struggle so many parents today. We want to save them. We want to bail them out. I think early on July certainly good that when the kids were young. He was asking questions. I kept answering the question, not necessarily over them, but they would give their answer and then I'd fill in all the blanks and listed out and he just looked at me and he said you know you kids are old enough to speak with. So that was awesome yeah I was like you're right because you can let them. Let them speak yeah you know there probably five and 7 foot like that. But I was like yes yes but when he did the rocketship planned of course he put it on the part of the little out but that's what you're talking about to the accident is let them struggle through their situation, don't always bail them out right yes like my daughters and introverts she would love me just to answer all the questions for her to say yes and so for me and say can you go to up there and ask for a Mike how about you, you know, we practice what you say how you say that okay go do that even now college you have. There's a difficult email so call them like I liken it right. The email for you yesterday to teach them how to do that themselves and develop that resiliency. I mean my introverted.daughter loves to perform its is weird to me but awesome. And that's how God made her she loves to perform a little distance when the audience yeah yeah introverted, safe yeah, but let me let me explore a little bit about developing confidence in our children. One of the first steps you say is to uncover our child's uniqueness as you come to same daughter that would have as a parent go about identifying those uniqueness is that they think and uses tools to talk to about how God made them so I spend a chapter in the book to talk about really practical things and helping your kids figure out what they like, other than just email playing mine craft but to be able to help them find what they like that outside that maybe is playing soccer.

Maybe it's and my mom used to do like to teach the kids how to knit or to sell and define people that are really good at that night my husband is yell was really into videotaping and so to be able to help. He helped Elliot make his first dinosaur movie save yeah yeah yeah but to be able to come alongside their passions. I think parents will attend one of the kids in the box. We want to create the best version of ourselves and our kids and to be able to figure out what God wants them to do instead of what we want them to do. Cindy, let me ask you about emotions all speak to the parents. Right now, the two natures. Oh yeah what our experience was, you know, and we don't have girls so we had the boys.

We recognize these emotional outbursts understand okay why is he so upset about his homework or whatever and really about 18 I noticed you Trent particular oldest just begin to make this turn and I started to have an adult conversation with started to ask questions were going to bed were not going to hear him say that was amazing. It's like he's a little adult you start and so I guess that the question I'm asking is really being the parents and knowing that the teen years bring such emotional attitudes that you can explain they can even explore why they're behaving that way. How we manage that productively toward bending a child in a confident, godlike way, what did you find what have you found to be most successful in managing that both as a parent and as a child. If your kids are teenagers, yet it's helpful to start giving them the language of emotion early on. That's good.

Just like it seems like you're feeling frustrated all you seem angry. Are you feeling sad and to be able to give them those words because a lot of times they may just act out to me just punch the table for something and to be able to out looks like you're expressing anger. Are you angry about something and to be able to give them those words kids are not intuitively they don't intuitively know what those emotions are and so for us as adults to be able to come alongside them and say this is what seems like a feeling is that accurate, and then they can start talking about that and I think that's really the key. It helps to start younger, but when they you can start at any point in time, and even with teenagers because there is that frustration and that Angus seems like you're frustrated about something today is sometimes they're going to come back and they just snap because there that frustrated and what I like to do is in care. Encourage parents you're there safe place. They've been bottling all that up all day trying not to yell at the teacher and their friends and their girlfriend and their whatever they been bottling that all up so when they come home they just squirted out all over the place, but it's true that let's move to the fear-based parenting versus face-to-face parenting because I think this is really critical.

You can vacillate between these two types, but you really want to land on the faith-based parenting but to even describe it some parents better. Therefore, parents don't even realize that what they're communicating so to speak to those two ends of the continual where the fear-based parenting comes in is that there they don't want their kids to suffer. That's one of it is a whole what if they get into soccer and they they get hurt. Yes yes or are they can stand up for themselves. So instead of giving them the to talk to the teacher or the kids at school or whatever, they'll go and talk to them for them and that's because they have that fear and and part of fear is also the controlling nose like I need to be. I'm the adult I need to be able to take care of the situation instead of trusting that God can empower their kids to take care of the situation and they are going to learn from that and instead of the others that do they go to the party or not. Fear-based parents tend to say no more than yes because there they want.

They don't want to get out of the comfort zone. They don't want to have to investigate if that's a good party for the kids to go to.

But what happens when were fear-based is that we are Trent were not allowing our kids to one experience life to be able to trust the Holy Spirit in their life to be able were not teaching them to hear from the Holy Spirit and where faith-based parenting.

It allows us to be able to pray about things and to say, you know, maybe it's okay, maybe like sharing the book you might daughter was at a charter school for her first three years that can our first and second and it was very heavily Christian-based but God was calling us to send her to our local public school and it took me a year and I it was fear that kept her at the charter school in second grade and Enos for academic reasons but also because when their kids are out in public school. We are then meeting families who need to hear about Christ the search when she was able to invite a lot of kids to school to church and my son. He did it. He vacillated and he did the charter school for a few years, but early years and his high school years was a public school and that's were you there able to be out there in the world and inviting people and living out Christ and they have to deal with the difficulties of that I'm not just promoting public school. It's very tailored to each but I like points. I think those are very helpful, you know.

As adults we sometimes struggle with recognizing what is her deep purpose. Most adults may struggle to answer the question.

You have a story about your nephew Harley what did you learn from Harley is an amazing kid. His mom, my sister is a single mom and he bright eyed and bushy tail when he is born. But four years old he started having seizures and humans are all these different tests and there's its heat.

He has all different types of seizures called Lenox Gestalt syndrome and he is brain got stuck in seizure mode so much that they had to do a medically induced coma, and he couldn't wake up and we had people praying and praying and so was for thinking and he had on this horrifying to see him and he had list little body in all these tubes, you know, running off of him and he's he said that was so vivacious and there he was still, and that my sister was in the room they were going to pull the plug and that she thought that's it and they said okay. When people plug thinking take his little body and go to the beach or do you know whatever and that's what she was expecting, but they pulled the plug and he opened his eyes and she said I looked at me and his eyes just followed the nurse and he slowly started coming back, but his brain wasn't fully functioning, and so she's I think about 25 right now and he still probably a first grade level, but his smile even though because he still has all the seizure, so he has no front teeth but his smile lights up a room and he will sing Christmas songs and is usually things like every other word and you just it's just that joy that you get. But the people that they have met when he's had many hospital stays. The people that they have met in those hospital stays, have needed to hear about the love of Christ and what that was not their original plan was to spend all that time the hospital and to get them all these nurses and doctors but they are living out Christ in front of these people and I talk about in the book about Harley is because he is a great photographer and to be able to find something that even in his limited physical abilities that she could be able to express himself through that beautiful in it.

In that way to me right at the end here that special-purpose or the daily purpose you you encourage parents to ask their kids about their daily purpose will be more the daily family that way. What what should we be asking your kids a yeah so I started that when I was teaching Sunday school is to be able to hear from the kids you know what God have you do this week they feel like God purposed you to do and there was things like all help my dad to feel better or make somebody laugh or Jan's ditch school to build a sit next to somebody that didn't have a friend and just what that means for them and so then each day we can ask our families, and I will go on record to say that I don't always member to do that but we can eat today ask our yell. What did God put in your path that you know was your good purpose for that day and sometimes we miss it. I mean I know for me I can hear God say all you need to go talk to that person standing in the grocery line like I just don't want to him wearing a mask I'm you and that but when I do and I step out of my comfort zone and I listen to that still small voice of the Holy Spirit saying to go do that, then that's God's good purpose that I'm listening to. And there's always God never disappoints when we follow his path right here the end what you've written the book.com for the kids helping your child find true purpose, depression, and peace.

What's that one thing we need to make sure we get done maybe a tough question, but yeah. The main thing I think is to help our kids develop a love relationship with the Lord. I think too many times to get stuck on the rules in the Bible stories which are fascinating. All those Old Testament stories. David and Daniel, and all those, but to help them develop that love relationship with the Lord to teach them who God is. I liken it to having having coffee with your best friend keynoted to start with praise to to go through the attributes of God. You know God's loving and kind and generous and he's our provider, our protector and help them know who God is, because then they can trust that God's going to fulfill that good purpose in their life. This is really good. I'm always on this because I think your hitting the right tone when it comes to parenting and so often we just fall to the rules and regulations goes there are measurable or manageable, but I can remember during a broadcast with the girl when she was 17 she was pregnant in the way that rippled through this Christian family and she said new stickers how to win the stickers. I did know about God's grace.

I'm reminded of that right now just that's what you're saying. How do we how do we turn our children's heart to God's love for them. His grace for them, along with those predictable behaviors that will make you successful but is not about those. It's about knowing God and loving God express that so well, let me turn to the listeners of focus is here for you. Hope you know that I think you know that and you know the support community they have provided the means for us to supply counselors and resources and all the things if you're struggling and certainly Cindy's great book is here for years. Well, if you can make a gift of any amount will send it as our way of saying thank you.

Maybe you're the parent that is doing it by the rules you're going to bed frustrated every night because that child of yours just isn't living up to your expectation. It might be that moment where you need to really look at what you're doing is apparent and Cindy's book is a great starting place along with what our counselors can help you with, but get in touch with us. It starts there and if you can afford. Don't worry about it. We trust others will be able to cover the cost of the just get in touch with us. What's most important to us is that you have 100 K in word for you so well.

I hope you have a great weekend.

On Monday, as we hear Wendy speak about the benefits of social media fast so connected online. Disconnected so connected with everybody following following Jim Daly in the entire team.

Thanks for joining us for focus on the family John Fuller inviting you back. Once again, you and your family right good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every moment could help raise the next generation of health which will and responsible to this assessment will help you start, take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits focusonthefamily.com/7 trade