Understanding Your Child's Love Style (Part 2 of 2)

Good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day. Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy children and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started.

Take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade were Needing reward at the end of at that as we grow we modify our kids the importance of growth and I think it's one of the most important things we can do to invest the parent when I could be a perfect parent but we have to be a growing parent that's get your convict reminding moms and dads that is her children grow up be growing as well and learning how to interact and relate to them in healthy ways.

You'll hear more from Kay and her husband Mylan today on Focus on the Family your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John John. Last time we featured a very interesting conversation with your cribbage is about five different lifestyles and children and how those styles affect the ways our kids behave and connect with us, you know, it's not uncommon for parents to hit a snag every town, then with kids just happens they react. You react and you wonder what went wrong.

Or maybe you've got a child whose behavior baffles you whatever it is Mylan K have some great insights that I know you're going to find helpful no matter what age your children are and if you miss conversation last time, get the download or CD from us or you can get the focus app and listen to the program. That way, this is really great information for all parents. It is, and will invite you to contact us about that audio or the Alpine and more about your cribbage's book that were exploring today.

The title is how we love our kids the five love styles of parenting are numbers 800 the letter a and the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes for all the links John we mentioned last time that we recorded this conversation with Mylan K a few years ago when you and I both had younger teens in the home. I in fact I shared a story last time about a funny but frustrating parenting moment when I found several empty food boxes in our pantry and I simply wanted my boys to throw away the box when they empty it sounds simple right now. It turned into a long discussion where they thought I was overreacting to hear how that went. We've all been there, Jim.

Every parent seems to have those situations where we can't get through to our kids. What we want them to know or do that interaction so quickly goes sideways right and that's why we want to return to this conversation with your convictions so they can help me and everyone listening because bottom line, we want to help our children grow up to be more secure in their relationships with us with others and most importantly with God. That's the long-term goal were aiming for.

Go ahead and hear part two of our conversation with Mylan and Katie your convict on today's episode of focus on the last time we talked about those characteristics. The avoid or the pleaser the vasodilator the controller. The victim and then that golden spot. I would say close to God's heart that secure connector and that's our goal that we talked a little bit about the avoid her temperament in the child because I asked the question what does a child look like is avoid or let's continue that discussion today.

What does that pleaser child look like pleaser. Children end up being caretakers of others. They are very hypervigilant to look at moods and an outlook on your face if you look sad.

They're gonna want to to try and help them and so they can be over focused on others in trying to make whatever is perhaps a bad mood and newer problem or difficulty make it all go away. See might find it a kid who's a pleaser might be a person who cracks jokes a lot is trying to be have fun a lot is trying to change the topic is using diversions and also caretaking and so they'll still do stuff around the house to try make everybody happy and so this is how I grew up as a child trying to be this child to compensate for at times angry outbursts in my home. I would then compensate with those tools that I used to try and cope with my situation as a child growing up. Let me ask you this because some of these attributes that we learn are actually good skills you talk about a person who ends up being a lawyer negotiator something like that. They're a person it's got a reader room very skillfully and they gotta know where there opportunities are how to earn the trust of somebody because of their their forthrightness.

Whatever might be so not all of this in terms of the skills you learn are negative, but they're just part of life that's very true. I mean waiters are very responsible.

Pleaser is a very nice you know these are things it's not like they're all bad and God uses even the broken parts of us. He uses for our good and for even his glory which is pretty amazing.

I think what we're looking at here is how can we identify when a child or as a parent when were off-track and were not really building the security we want to build know how can we turn that child around for like the pleaser child. For example, they, they tend to lack boundaries. One of our kids was a pleaser child and in the other kids took advantage of him yet. For to have four kids and I remember one of our boys is definitely a pleaser and know the other kids would just be in kind. They push him too far and he never stand up for himself.

So we had to recognize that and say you know he's nice but he's too nice and so we role-played with Pam and we pretended we were the friends and we gave him some lines to say you treat me like that again. I'm not knocking a payment anymore and he was so afraid to do it because he thought were the kids won't like me or they'll never have me back that you know I remember the day he finally delivered the line and he came home and he said hi deadhead, I don't know in the next day his friend not only played with them but he treated I'm way better. That's an amazing thing and ended what strikes me is you're trying to equip your children to live in the most healthy spot they can write and boy it's tough, but even giving them the goal. Here's what were trying to hit right at secure attachment area and these would be the attributes of me I could see that in one of my boys.

I could see them easily.

Being that pleaser fact asking the question. You know how you doing in your friendships at school and he says well I really likes me right. And that's a comment from a pleaser right now. I'm sorry will there's there's something great about that everybody does like a pleaser.

But the question is, is are they taking advantage of him as well talk about the vasodilator child the best later child want your attention when you're least able to get it's almost like every child well fascinated particularly like always a test you know they they kind of have their longing for more connection turned on high and they're looking for moments when you connect with them, but then sometimes you made him wait so there also mad so they got this push pull inside.

I want you mad because you made me wait and wait.

These Garcia kids are really tuned in to is my parent present with me are not that your grade parent there grading you and that they were kind they really are, and it's, you know, many times for these kids date they have a parent who's home but not present this sometimes more not present and present so these kids are really protesting that lack of connection and I one of the things we we see needs fast later kids is their longing for someone to sit down with them without the cell phone without the distractions and really be present with them how intersects so that that busy me to say the busy dad who you work comes before everything, even on the weekends. Perhaps he's on the phone that vessel later child you really going to have a difficult time with that in father if they are, and what happens is, over time they get angry and they start to protest and discuss later kids they'll tell you exactly what's wrong with you and what you need to do to fix it and sometimes in a way that's very immature and not very very hard to swallow, so I think part of what we have to do is teach this kid how to ask for what they need and want without doing it in an unkind way are they asking an unkind way just to prompt response. They'd rather fight than have no response to the good button pushers there really good button pushers and what we what we see in our book is is that their behaviors are immature ways of expressing a deep need and if we only work on correcting the behaviors and see when you can't be mad what are we doing were not trying to ask what is the message that your anger is trying to tell me you damming up the emotion and I love the emotions are so well what I'm to do with it best. Later kids who have had many of them in my office. As I look at them and I put everything aside and I look at him and I said you know you're really angrier.

What made you angry who majoring can they articulate yes all say what are you feeling will have my feelings wordless and what else are you feeling underneath that anger and what if it's my child all say what did I do that made you angry. I'm not just gonna respond your anger right now, ask you what to do what it I do that made you angry and I want to get them talking because one of the greatest reliefs to anger is the ability to vent and to get that out and so if it's about me. If it's about somebody else.

I want to not just correct the behavior a lot of times and in our Christian homes.

It's about correcting the behavior and character in all that we don't stop and ask what was driving that bus will dead you been so busy at work.

Having talk to me for two days. I miss you will. That's a different conversation than stop being angry and treating. You need to treat me with respect response to on your father and mother. I can I can whip off those kinds of retorts left and right instead of stopping and saying she's not. He's not. I wonder what happened. Knowing this wonderfully said, and I think it's unfortunate that again we work so hard vocationally to hone a skilled being thing we need to be.

But in this area of parenting, particularly we just kinda glide through it and the kids live through it. At the end say goodbye when they're 18 or 19. The golf college and then assume occasionally on the holidays.

It's unfortunate because as Christians we need to be intentional about what were trying to work on with God to prepare that child to be a very healthy adult. And that's what's so fun about this. Let me ask you this, though.

If I'm struggling to connect with my child because they have a different attachment style from me.

What can I do to understand it and begin to I guess master it so that I can be more productive, and that parenting role will it's important to say we didn't even get any of this and tell our kids were older, you and me personally. Yes, yes, we were the one earnings.

One of the first goals we made was working at conversations and include feelings are at home as well our own and the kids and Kevin was in high school. At this point in his stress responses to get testy and difficult to live with landlord like whatever yeah yeah like what ever or I'm not can it do that are you know just not boring composition of all that's what he said so when we said go pick the three feeling were these on the psychology I'm not doing that and I said well honey I said I can tell you're stressed and I said, until you give me the three words were not can have the car keys are going your direction so the skull bribery that held that it works like leveraged A branch cell hit. It is little more positive. I drew some circles on a page. The circles church the circles friends a circle of sports, the circle of school pick three feeling words for each circle wall as the conversation went on, he started crying. He was shocked. He didn't realize how stressed he was in all of these areas and will be begin to list all of the things that were stressing him. He started to cry and he said I didn't even know I was the stressed and I said well honey I did and I said, just remember that when you can talk about all these things and you can share the feelings and you can identify and you learn something about yourself and I said you feel better than you did an hour ago and he said yeah I really do.

Now let me ask you just for clarification if you can share the yeah I don't be too intrusive here but what were some of the words of the listed all gosh, I remember that he had a girlfriend at the time and they were having a lot of discord, so he chose words like confused, annoyed, frustrated, he had a coach that he dearly loved, but you know he hurt his ankle and he had an injury so he was. He listed words of very frustrated in sports and disillusioned and disappointed and just broken hearted was one of his wartime brokenhearted because I can't really play like I want to play and then in church. I remember one of the things that was really stressing them there as he was. He was a senior and he was having to go away to school and he was gonna be leaving Ella's friends and he's like I just can't imagine having to leave my friends in a year and make new ones, and make new ones. And no, those are some of the things I remember and I think sometimes just to sit down with your kids and say list me everything that's a stressor right now and I think what what we found is is that we learn to do this in our marriage and in our relationships, we were more open to hearing their feelings and and pulling them out instead of just trying to fix them and make them go away. Yes, we separated whatever the incident was trying to connect with the thoughts and emotions of that incident before we came down with whatever the consequences were going to be would put a gap in their and we always want to know two things. What were you thinking and what were you feeling right before you hit your brother is not is left is that yeah that's right at me feelings before you write back your brother okay, but here is an illustration and then I told this before and the boys know this, but I said and Kevin says I don't do this, Michael. Well I'm sorry you have to do this before you go to the ballgame before you the keys I need three words that you were feeling right for you brother and he goes FRUSTRATED I was.

I was what else in the stammering and stuttering like this. I simple here's feelings were list goes, I felt violated and I fell duped ago what happened.

He said you know is in the shower and he took my last pair of white clean socks. I was going to wear tonight and my brother just took him and put them on and ran off with. I simple. No wonder you were angry.

No wonder you. No wonder he felt violated duped in and stressed said we have a non-taught in its non-tolerance policy here for hitting but I said no, that tells me a little bit better.

Maybe I need to talk with John also. I said I want you to be thinking Morgan to do about this all by the way the door that's broken that you guys bashed into an we have throughout pay for that list discuss that tomorrow but I need to go talk to your brother about taking her socks so I slowed the whole process way down to some of the stress which he for you know it. It didn't excuse what happened. Now he saw the consequence and he thought to pay for the door. However, he felt, heard, and listen to and like someone did understand that the sequence of events and that his feelings were valid was how he dealt with his feelings that we needed to work on sounds like a really good plan of action and is just one example of how Mylan and Kate your convictions book how we love our kids the five love styles of parenting can help you navigate some challenging interactions in your family. This is a tremendous resource. I do hope you'll get in touch with us for your copy are numbers 800 K and the word family or you can stop by the episode notes will have more details. There, let's go ahead and return down to the conclusion of this great conversation with your convictions on Focus on the Family you talk about some of the gifts you can give to your child. Talk about a couple of those and how you gave them those gifts in your own family and what do you mean by the gift was lots of gifts that we talk about at the end of the book how we love our kids gifts you want to give to your child is a legacy and one of them is what I will call the gift of vulnerability is apparent. We have our three oldest children move out of the house within a period of 18 months to get married one moved away and all of a sudden her house was required and I started to feel triggered and anxious and depressed because I love having this busy home and I found also knows being the helicopter parent to my daughter Kelly and that's because you're pleaser parent or hovering like her but but but what was happening.

I was getting triggered by the silence in my home and the quietness it was all relate to are so I said to Kelly one day because I would log my daughter to pieces and say what were you going who's going to be there.

What's the telephone numbers howling and to be there and then I'd ask again, where you going, who's going to be there or their appearance and supervision bubble bubble bath and I went over, ask the helicopter parent. So what I said to her one day was. I said I need to tell you why I ask you some questions and I told her my life story. I told her that I was an anxious child.

The quietness triggered me and when I got triggered I got anxious when I got anxious.

I started asking questions to settle my own security and what I said to her was if you feel like I'm asking you to many questions I want you look at me and say dad, are you feeling anxious to give her permission gave her permission. I was vulnerable and assured my story and I gave her permission to give me feedback in my life. Yeah, let me ask you this, and you mentioned it, but we didn't zero and on occasion, and you talked about when you first started to do this your oldest son was in the last couple years. A high school yeah because I'm sure some parents are going man were on our last child who lies great in our other two or three are in college or beyond. How do you come back around and maybe have some discussions with your late teen kids or maybe even your early adult children to say okay we gotta talk this through because I may have done some things that did not help you as a parent I love that question because I think every Christian parent should be growing enough where they can look back and have regrets about their parenting. The first when the crash test dummy through. I wish we could do this, times in a row started all the firstborn healing is that when a parent comes to you and says I just learned that feelings are important in I wish I would've known, the sooner I'm making a real point to learn how to say what I feel and I'm in ask you how you feel and would you give me a do over. Would you give me a chance to just grow even now and let's talk about what it was like for you to never be able to have feelings that is so well said you know I love the title you have in some ways, how we love our kids. Another way to say that that was how to understand brokenness and what the Lord can do with it and how to get to that letter, secure place and I think that's wonderful and that's the reason we want to put the tools into the hands of these parents, including me.

I think your thinking the same thing John and how to do this better.

Mylan someone in the audience is probably thinking well that's great for this couple. I mean, they have a counseling center. This is your vocation, your pastor before know you doing counseling.

I'm just a dad. I'm just a guy that goes to work every day and comes home and tries to serve talk about that methodology and the fact that you don't have to be a counselor to apply these principles you just need to be in tune. We started all of this as you said when her oldest son was 14, 11, nine and one years old.

All her kids were that it we were counselors we were actually just learning this ourselves and I think I had to start off with the decision in Micah trying to what God wants me to do. God tells us is as a body Christ to come from another encourage one another. Bear one another's burdens confess our sins to one another. Pray for one another. Now we do know how to do that I have to decide I don't care what I do for profession do I want to learn how to do that marital lien with my kids and with my friends. Secondly, the way I started. That is, I simply started with that feelings word list. I would say what am I feeling today I would tell KN I would tell the Lord what I was feeling today.

Then I guess Kate had asked my kids so you don't look real happy right now you look sad you look depressed. I would reflect and hold up to them what I thought I was seeing on this little feelings word list, but sick you pick Ward off this list and tell me how you feel. I just want to know so I can love you there and pray for you. God tells us to do these one another's of Scripture. It was a decision and then an action yes speak to that mom or dad who's got so much going on. Life is hectic. If you haven't noticed work in get home were tired. We gotta get dinner ready to clean up will do laundry.

We got so much to do to do this just sounds like an overwhelming amount of more work. You know sometimes when you start to make a change.

It is more work and is uncomfortable because all growth is uncomfortable. All that the results I mean we see such a difference between our fourth child because she got so much of this and it's like when I see her even as a teenager and as a young woman and now mom astounds me. So I think you know you have to realize that that hard work has an amazing reward at the end of it, that as we grow we modify our kids the importance of growth and I think it's one of the most important things we can do to invest is apparent when I can to be a perfect parent but we have to be a growing parent.

We have to make the time and it can be one small change at a time trying to let all the feelings to start their John.

I really appreciate that. Finally, nourishment from K your cribbage as well as all the parenting wisdom and insight. She and Mylan have shared with us over these past two days.

You know we've said this before.

It's so important to get life's priorities in the right order.

It's not about your career, your accomplishments or how much money you made or the stuff that we often give way too much attention to when this life comes to its end and you're on that final bed where you only have a few moments left you not to care about anything else but those relationships that are most important to you, your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, that's the legacy that you will leave behind. And if you're feeling inadequate as a parent are facing a struggle with you children.

I hope you'll contact us. That's why Focus on the Family is here. We've got lots of great resources for moms and dads to do it better because we want to equip you to be the best parent you can be.

Can we do and were a phone call away. To learn more about the your cribbage's book how we love our kids the five love styles of parenting would be happy to send a copy of that to you when you make a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today and let me also mention our free seven traits of effective parenting assessment, which is an online survey. It takes just a few minutes to fill out and it'll help you determine what's working well in your family, and point out a few areas. Perhaps that you might make some improvements in learn more about all of the parenting resources we have.

Just call 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or donate online and get more details. We got all the links in the episode notes John before we close. I want to encourage our listeners to partner with us financially so that we can continue to equip and encourage parents that like hopefully we've done today.

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You know plainly that Mike very real possibility. I never would have gotten takes the new eyes now and I want to live in those little moments and know that they are so insect on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here is for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time more. You and your family thrive in Christ find fun for your kids. Just a click away seeing the adventures in Odyssey club 8 to 12-year-old find trusted faith building entertainment in a safe online club features almost every episode ever plus special monthly club only episodes in content and Focus on the Family clubhouse magazine subscription.

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