Simple Ways to Love Your Daughter or Son (Part 2 of 2)

Dear Focus on the Family want to help you and your family thrive in your faith. That's what we released a free audio program with 30 days of Bible readings listen to passages read by adventures in Odyssey characters with Connie and Jason we hope it's a helpful tool for your family to incorporate Scripture into everyday life. Just a few minutes a day. That's all it takes. Go to bring your Bible.org/read with a I/O that bring your Bible.org/read with AI. The real core of it is communicating that you actually like as a person. Every parent loves their kids write all of my kids, but do you like do you like with them. Do you like the personalities are they people that you value just are not what they are going to accomplish or what they've done insights from Matt Jacobson describing how you and I can better parent our children through intentionality and respect encouragement, time, time I met his wife Lisa are back with us today on Focus on the Family host presidents and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. We had a wonderful conversation last time with the Jacobson gleaning many of their insights from raising 88. That's right, count them, eight kids and I so appreciated their vulnerability in simple, down to earth approach really met Lisa aren't experts by any means they've made mistakes and have struggled at times in their parenting journey but along the way they've learned to love their children well, which I think if you read Scripture. That's the most important thing the last time they shared some great tips for raising sons and daughters and I'm looking forward to more of the same today. If you miss the conversation last time. You can get the download or CD copy or get our app so you can listen on the go get the Jacobson's have a great message for parents born out of their experiences and based on Scripture and they've written a couple books 100 ways to love your daughter, and 100 ways to love your son can find those books and more, including the audio from our conversation last time.

In the episode notes or call 800 K and the word family junk should also mention our seven traits of effective parenting assessment. This is a free online resource based on research that's designed to help you maximize your role as mom or dad. There's no formula for perfect parenting, but there are some predictors are factors that will help your kids thrive.

Things like adaptability boundaries and grace and forgiveness. You can learn more about all the seven traits when you take the assessment and our website and again you can find the link in the episode notes and now let's return to our conversation with Matt and Lisa Jacobson on Focus on the Family.

Let's get to your family motto have a couple of those. First of all, these rules obviously help user motto so what are the wealth.

One of the principal ones is Jacobson's never give up and where that gets applied is if the child is given a job to do and somehow it's just so hard and I just can't do it well. Jacobson's never give up. So you get to stand it and we work until the job is done not to retire nor want to do it anymore so and that's something that we just spoken into their hearts from a very early age, but I think him a woodcutting example right – I will think being from the Northwest. That's right well yeah we have a fireplace and bend like a good lease especially like to get blaze in the winter and what I do is I couple cords of rounds that's the tree cut as around not cutting firewood.

And I give the job the boys and I do and in this case, I tell them I you work like a man, you get paid like a man, but so they're out there working away and then the youngest of at the time the youngest said I just couldn't take it.

Jacobson's never give up. So stay here until this gets done this five guy by the time wielding five-year-old so that I think he got to but yeah but from the age of I would say eight on eight or nine on Britain, our oldest and then the other kids as they came along, handled the wood. I never touched it for three years. I've never Would have never started a fire except right on of the random occasion so the kids we give kids the jobs and then we expect them to do it so that's Jacobson's never give up. And then there's always a way to get something done. Now get publicity on one through four. That is your favorite of the models never give up. Obviously never given is always a way to get something done is super helpful. Like a child to come in the room and he does have that I don't know what to dealing we all fixes are that just me like I just want to help them. Can't she see that I need to do instead is stopping myself and going now the best thing I can do is equip you to figure out you can figure out what needs to happen.

He just came up last week when we had an issue in the kitchen.

Our youngest son in whom I most prone to help all I will help with luck and getting ready to note we sent out do it you can think it that's good.

Those are really good lease. I do want to circle back on the beauty question because I think you know. Again, this is such a struggle for so many women and young women, particularly what is a practical way, both for moms and then maybe Matt you could tell me for dads to to really affirm them and how God has created them.

I will make sure we had that very squarely and you don't cover the gambit, not everybody's going to be the front page of Vogue or whatever and how do you become comfortable as a young woman in how God and who God is made you all start off with the mistake I made early on is that I didn't want to emphasize beauty or lux because I thought that was a bad thing. I thought that was just emphasizing all the wrong thing so I talked a lot about how smart my girls where or how talented they were and I really talked about their lux and then when they were in their teenage years.

Several of the girls said to me like Monte think I'm beautiful course you beautiful things you know that I didn't think you would struggle with that and I didn't know that you needed to hear that from me, so I switched tactics about that claim. Okay, I need to be poignant to emphasize those things. I do think you beautiful and it doesn't have to be a surface think beauty is so much more than surface, but the girls did need to hear their attractive and may have beautiful eyes are lovely, here or lots of other traits. This was an experience that my wife had to go through her mom had a real emphasis on beauty, not vanity, but just in beauty and and I think Dino will tell you she kind of reacted the other end of the spectrum and same thing with our girls. She did not emphasize a lot of that and I think the Lord allowed me to come speak into that part of their life in a way that she just didn't feel comfortable doing so we really are a team when it comes to house a good point, so you also urge parents to respect their kids. Some parents. This is huge because I think this is the relational breaking point when a parent can't develop or chooses not to develop respect and there's maybe some good rationalization right you if you saw the way my child does not clean his room does not do these things. I expected you would respect them either. So speak to me, is that bad with that attitude.

Well, absolutely. So we like to say relative to the Barrett marriage relationship. If if a man is at respecting his wife he's in the process of destroying his marriage and it's absolutely the same with your kids don't learn to respect your kids are actually creating distance and I want to tell myself, so we had a men's meeting yesterday morning in our church and my older sons are at home, attend, and we're going around offering prayer requests, but I got we got this one son is pretty stoic doesn't say much of anything, but he's a very loving child. But he's just not very communicative and I turn him I said hey son, you have some you want to share anywhere put on the spot.

He's 18, 19, but I put them on the spot in front of all the women the next morning we had a conversation sit down it and feel respected by you in that moment, and is interested in Zen and so that's the last thing I want my kids to think, is that I don't respect them. So I got to apologize to him and ask forgiveness so but it's it's supercritical to especially talk about those intervening years were the transition into adulthood make mistakes and remember how perfect you were as a parent. How far along you are right and so we shouldn't expect our kids to encounter life and respond to it as we do as mature adults yeah let me ask you macro practical.

What is that respect look like what I mean. Again, I could, I could easily fall into the same trip that you had because I'm trying to pull him out. I think I'm doing something good say to him. Hey, do you have anything in front of everybody else. And maybe he'll step up and have the courage that I'm helping to develop to say something in front of your 1012 other guys so how do you meant what is respect toward your kids. What does it look like what are those things showing the first the first thing that we would tell our kids is you you you don't get respect because you walked in the room you get respect is earned. Okay so when they respond to maybe a large job that they're given when they're faithful with chores that they've had in day in day out.

They take care of them when they do really well on their schooling because they've applied themselves, and they've studied and they've worked hard and achieve something that those are all moments big and small and if it's a toddler and he you said take the cup and put it in the kitchen.

You know you affirm him in that but telling your sons the word seat. We all have these deep wonderful feelings for our kids right but they're not worth anything. If we don't actually communicate to them. Those deep wonderful feelings so personally I'm looking for opportunities all the time. And if it's a specific accomplishment or if it's just a an analysis that one of the kids made of some new story they saw, I'm affirming that nice man I really respect you think I really really love the way your brain works. Yeah just looking for opportunities to give respect and one of the ways to get respect to your kids is to stay out of the way of their sometimes good and sometimes bad decisions that so hard at sup.

It is so hard and straighten out the crooked road and here's the better path you don't do that. Do this in that regard. Would you encourage a dad or mom to actually especially with their older team children as I could see that even in my own relationship would be good for me to sit down say how can I show you respect. What do I do today that undermines my respect for my respect to sky apps was sometimes. You know the way, ask a question of the way you engaged with you main may communicate lack of respect and that's never my intention shortly.

Can you help me better understand that's how I would have to do it because some times I'm just thickheaded writer sure what we want the best and we know the best.

We think we do and where were so ready with our advice. I've actually asked my kids and I'm thinking to do that. I'm thinking of one in particular and he said every time we get together to talk. I feel like you're coming at me with your answer as opposed to just letting me figure it out and do it even though that's one of our mottos in life you can figure out, but as their older teens and the stakes are getting higher for the decisions that they made. Okay there some serious ditches on side of the site right road and you kinda want to weigh in on them or have heavily but you have to let your kid be the person that God created them to be. Let me see it this way because I'm learning this ditches aren't all bad. Note there very instructive very instructive. They're very tough define that ditch. Okay, I'm not gonna do that but I'm just saying that the Lord is in the ditch to with you. I just see so many strong young people that have moments of weakness. They fall into the ditch and then when you can parent well in that environment to allow them to crawl out of that ditch that can be a life long spiritual education and it could be used to get them closer to the work and is an irony that we will pray as a couple in bed at night. Lord I pray for our kids prefer child that he would grow closer to you and them… Okay. And then he takes them into a ditch to get them closer to him and we panic and is not an irony that we would panic and that rather be doing all the good things we talked about.

So for now it is but you can even verbalize that to your son or daughter you can say this is what I see and hear the options here.

The potential consequences but it's your decision to make. I'm in a respect you.

Whatever decision you make.

Yeah Lisa let me ask you something that was on your website about that transition from working in a job that you enjoyed getting married. Then you talk about having kids and now the importance of having at least one parent at home and mom is in BU.

That was a discussion Jean and I had him and she was coming out of the she was in the lab at the University teaching students about that gene splicing with nuclear material is like what you doing and you know when we were getting pregnant. That wasn't a good environment for the health of Trent would've been at that time but setting that aside, and then seeing the job of being a mom and the importance of it hotheaded you process all that and becoming a mother was a huge shock to me because I was wasting my home that was just more of a career minded. I had lots and I traveled a lot. I have a lot of schooling and so coming in mother and all the sudden having this huge responsibility in these little people was overwhelming to me. It was a big adjustment and I I thought I would be better prepared for it.

I thought is the first time I found myself in place that I didn't feel like I was good at it. I knew the stakes were high like I knew I was impacting these people's lives and so it it really threw me on my knees to say okay like you have to help me see what I can do here and how I need to grow as a person. Yeah, I think.

Boy I resonate with that idea that he came from a family that value education professionalism. The degrees is not true and Jean would have come from that as well and I'm sick for that woman, particularly to then value being a great mom and what it's gonna take to do that.

There's so much pressure on young women today to be everything you can't do it. What advice in that way for that 27-year-old who's been married two years there talking about getting pregnant.

What advice do you have for that woman who's made in a career that she's enjoying now so personally I believe you get one shot at being a minor and impacting these children's lives and so for me, I would say go all out and be a mother and not that I didn't do other things occasionally and and I did have I help now his business. At times, but my whole focus was my home. Let me ask you to have had as a woman I agree it's an awesome responsibility to put all your attention in that direction not to derive you know what the world is you doing what you like selling things now, but but where they derive their sense of meaning and worth in that regard. I think it scrambled right now for a lot of 25 to 40-year-old women when I have a lot of younger women in my life and I discipling and mentor and I tell him I actually didn't do a lot of other things. When I was raising in kids.

I was mostly home. It's a full-time job and it makes such a difference. Those foundational years were more pleasant years ahead will do the exhale or do they get aggravated or both and probably exhale a mission to go. You know it's okay for this season can be forever. They know that my kids are older and most of the house that I am doing a lot of other things and I'm excited to do those things I just really do much.

I was really at home with my kids and it made for pleasant teenage years and they see the relationships I have with my 20-year-old daughters and sons and it's a beautiful thing that those investment years, holy if you will pay off. When I think what I'm driving at is trying to raise the value of being at home. I mean it's priceless and it's far better than selling credit cards I think will absolutely and when you have a vision for what God is doing in the world and he's doing it through you with these first disciples entrusted to you because you really are discipling them right and the Bible talks about raising your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and that that can only happen with the real concerted focus and again putting the priorities where God puts them because God talks of children as this great blessing this great inheritance that you're receiving your quiver, your quiver so so am I valuing my kids in the manner that the Bible values them and and the emphasis that the Bible places on them and so if you align yourself with that kind of thinking once again I go back to the priority question. You always have time for your real priorities.

It's a great self reflection. Let me ask you about identity in building a child's identity in Christ.

I think you know we touched on it but you encourage parents to speak God's truth and do their children's minds and hearts how you done that with your own children. Well, we've started out just by having a great marriage okay and concentrating on it.

Absolutely. And I know that a lot of people can't do that because of life where it has taken them but it's super important for a husband and a wife to be to live in harmony with each other and to love each other and to respect each other. That's a great identity starting place for your kids that they see this modeled and the have a sense of security in the marriage and and in the home, but also if you get to do it by example on other non-marriage related things how my interacting it with in challenges how my how my responding, giving them an example to follow and then just speaking very directly into their lives about what God is doing in the world and you're part of that you are what God is doing in the world you got this tremendous place this tremendous gifting that's going to unfold over time. God has a great use of that for his kingdom and so giving them a vision and a perspective of for for who they are and also teaching your kids not to evaluate their own personal worth based on the things that they're looking at in society. So much of it is is artificial so much of it is has nothing to do with reality. And yet those images those messages from the advertising world.

For instance, that know you really don't measure up, teaching them to recognize that that's not the voice of truth speaking to them. God values them tremendously and so giving them a biblical perspective on who they are and how God values them. That's the starting place and then celebrating their gifts as they come along. We have one son his name is dauntless and it which means uncountable and boy does he embody that. He's 16 and he's ready to run a country in a different but but what what I've told him, and what we tell our other kids. You've got this great gifting and we love it, even though sometimes it kinda comes back away but but we love that gifting the God is given you and just help them see the awesome creation that they are and speaking that into their lives on a regular basis.

I so appreciate that you let in the end here. If we can let the nitty-gritty of words gone wrong and I'm mindful of that. I feel like you know we have a really good relationship with her boys and it's it's almost sweeter by the day and I love that you know we've gone through her difficulties in junior high and high school that are so common it's called independence. Writer and parents struggle with that phase, kids struggle with that phase and Jean. My wife is done such a good job of kind of letting go is hard for mom and I observed it and we would talk about it would have her pillow prayer time. How do we let them own their decision-making now and she is she's just done a fantastic job and it's been great to see our boys turn to us rather than away from you, but I'm mindful of the parents that are going, my kids, not 22 we don't have that relationship. I didn't learn that lesson soon enough, there's angst.

There's pain there may not even be connection because that child unitedly just the route they walked away. What you do when that's happening, how do you I'm sure you counsel people. How do you begin as the adult is the older adult to repair that damage well damage comes from a lot of different sources and sometimes it's parents inflicted. Sometimes it's based on decisions that a child made in the path that it set them on and the decisions that they keep making on the pressure so the only thing you can do is do it prodigal son's father did. He stood and he was ready with open arms ran to EP was ready and out just to have that open posture, even if your child is hurt you deeply to have that posture of you know what I believe in what God wants to do in your life and I love you communicate that you love them own the mistakes. If you've made them own Lisa and I have both had to ask forgiveness of our children individually from one time or another for mistakes that we made for for responding in the flesh and whatever it is that that that was negative that you did that you will own it speak that to your child. Tell them that you recognize that you've made a mistake and then then ask for forgiveness and it's it puts you in a humble position that I think that's exactly what God would have us as parents is to have a humble heart and what were doing and the main thing is if if you're in a circumstance like that is to have this open heart policy.

I'm so ready for you to come home. It's a beautiful beautiful thought and II think the key thereto and I you know I see you got to got a garden the heart, absolutely. What I mean by that is yet uproot bitterness. You gotta that spade and dig around those nasty roots and get those weeds out of the garden right and we need to be proactive in that way and so often that garden that relationship between us is a mother or father with our sons or daughters. We just ignore in the garden gets overrun and and then it's a big job to try to weed it all out and that would be one of things you gotta concentrate on do the hard work they engaged love you children let them know so that they can come away feeling like if nobody else cares about me. I know mom and dad Soundly is not the truth. Right. Well, thanks for being with this incident so good it's been a bit therapeutic for me what I need to do and where I need to go.

I hope the listeners have enjoyed this as well and get a copy of these two books. If you have sons and daughters. If you only have one that's fine will will send that to you but 100 ways to love your son 100 ways to love your daughter, just a great tool in the toolbox to do a better job parenting and if you can make a gift of focus for any amount will send you your choice of one of these books are both just let us know what you need and will get that out to you as our way of saying thank you for being a part of the ministry. You were supported by those who listen and watch and we would rely on your donations in the coming months, capable of making a generous donation so contact us today contribute as you can and request either one of these books, 100 ways to love your son, or 100 ways to love your daughter number is 800 a family and the link is in the and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ