Parenting the Heart of Your Teen

Welcome to another Best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family in which we have some help for navigating the teen years and I just lay my head on the pillow that night and was crying and I said Lord, get me out of the way so that I am not the obstacle to him. Hearing your voice is that's really what he needed. Your host use focus president Dr. Jim Daly and John Fuller, John, when you first become apparent. You envision having a close relationship with children as they get older the picture talks you'll have with them about God and relationships, and then the teen years. It so often. It's hard to maybe even get along, let alone have that meaningful conversation. Mention the one syllable responses. We can often a lot of families experience at least some turbulence during those adolescent years.

Whether it's a conflict over the rules or navigating teenage mood swings and unfortunately most that's behind us were six kids and we've survived and I just want to say to parents you can to what teenagers are great at pushing those buttons and it's hard to show grace sometimes. If this is you, or the teen years are coming up around the corner.

We have some really practical help for you today will be revisiting a conversation we had with Connie Albers, which was one of our most popular broadcasts this year. She covered some important groundwork all about connecting with your children during the ups and downs of the teen years and Connie's book is called parenting beyond the rules raising teens with confidence and joy and you can get your copy when you call 800 a family or click the link in the episode notes and here's how that conversation with Connie Albers began on this best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family County. Welcome to focus on having me, it's a delight to be with you can were desperate, really good to have your Connie got 14 questions were when asked, no kidding, but let's start with the title parenting beyond the rule.

Okay summer going. Finally, that sounds so good and then others, maybe some bad white parent without but you're not saying that you describe what you're saying there parenting beyond the rules. I do get that money that you don't have any rules please know a lot easier that we don't have rules, limits and boundaries and limits and boundaries.

However, the goal is to raise children who want to have a relationship with us. By doing this that we talk about that a lot on the program. Now I think Christian households we have, I mean PhD therapists in here and were talking about this.

It's one thing to believe that it's another thing to do it yet living out his hard part is controlling when the children are younger, what do we do. We tell them exactly what to do when were going to do going to do it like that at times for breakfast. Their favorite meal like French test.

Now I don't like it going.

I made your favorite just so ungrateful and you end up into this power and control and it's not about control. It's just about I think you said it earlier. John, you said you want to be 16-year-old they want to grow and their sometimes thrashing and flailing around like you mentioned the white ladder. I just you know everybody's in about your paddling as hard as you can. Some of them want to jump out and the others fall out that were still trying to reach him and him back in there that's that's the whole purpose is I really want parents to have a relationship and realize that we make the rules and limits and boundaries, we can adjust that's fair. You had a vision for your children before they were teenagers. How did that vision casting go when they entered the teen years, largely because I became a student of my children talk about that in the book where you have to know the child that you have the left brain and right brain.

Some people that's the logical, sequential artistic child talking to them has to be very different and I just started realizing I speak to one in one way I speak to another and another way, not because they're not capable of understanding but because I'm trying to get them to hear the words that I'm saying and not make this into a power struggle, a control thing and that's the whole point. One of the challenges there can be one of your children may lie not very good with your natural communication style is apparent so that seems to be really easy. Johnny always gets it Betty you know I struggle with Betty. I don't know her language so it's really good to become a student but speak to that that need even more deeply because I think also what happens in that relationship. As you can get irritated because you're not speaking the same language, even though you're both speaking the language right right you know when we do go approach our children only think about it I one of the most important factors is knowing the why, what's the objective what's the goal what's the outcome that you're trying to go for when you talked about my vision casting my family. I call it the cover of the book for those that haven't seen it.

It's a paint brush with paint swats in different colors on it and that's very symbolic of the whole.

We've got to paint pictures of possibilities for our children and I hear some parents say forget the whole possibilities just you know ashes in the dishwasher. Well yeah right you now it's more than that when you paint a picture possibility of what your family can look like when the children don't have to, and they start to see here on their side year. The greatest cheerleader likely to resist.

And when you paint a picture possibilities for the kids in your casting vision. All of a sudden they start to view you in a different light. Not that you're not mom and dad, and you still lay down the law that you're a person who's got their best interest at heart yet. Let me let me push on this cheerleading, it is an interesting one to me is cheerleading freely given orders and earned all absolutely not earned it's freely given. Okay, just want to make sure parents are temperaments planned of the some parents required a different way and you're going to get my cheers when you earn my cheers feels artificial becomes a very conditional environment that your kids all of a sudden learn if I dance the right way than mom and dad or my mom or dad like me or love me and that the child it's given toward people pleasing does become the children that are easiest to raise because they know exactly what the standard is they know what to say and how to say it, but the child who is more of your adventure, your risk taker year and see strong. I just think that's a future leader who tries to be going and so when we when we think about how were working with them in that capacity I have to step back and say to the mom and dad, if you know why you're doing and where you're going with tense vision casting, I tell parents that when you're sitting in your thinking about in your own mind where you trying to get like I did not come from a great upbringing. So for me I did not want to repeat history wasn't that I love my family. It's just that I neither had to be a better way. But hang on because you have an awareness there. And some people with their childhood and the things they learned in their family of origin. There's not that awareness and actually the contender repeat the errors of their father. That is true and so your stricter your heart sure your and that's what you learned growing up so I missed a really important point you have to break those generational sentence you do and take them captive, so you're not ending up in the same boat you were as a 1314-year-old running to the well when I write in the book I talked about the different parenting styles it back in the day. It used to be that permissive parent and the authoritative parent dealer I say and again those children that are all compliant children and they just they don't like trouble Delta exactly what you tell him to do and I think I'm the favorite child, and sometimes they can kinda be outweighed just because they aren't causing you trouble, but the child who necessarily isn't doing that can unfortunately feel unloved because going back to your comment about conditional love you God loves us Reos even while we are yet sinners, God still loves us and therefore we love our children, their form fashion created in his image and he is giving them to us to teach, train and mold in the way they should go so when we talk about breaking generational curse or the same pattern. My dad used to raise me like this or my mom was like this.

Now we have to say you know why God gave me to teach and train you in the way you should go. So that means I need to know who you are, but we can do that unless we first know ourselves. That's right. Proverbs 423 is important to you. Let's read it and then tell me why yes because Scripture says keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the spring of life right now. If you go further in that passage, it does talk about how while we are sinners, Christ loved us. When you are looking at what's coming out of your children and I don't want to segue off this topic because it is the core of everything as your child starts to grow and mature.

We have to change and adjust. But sometimes we don't think were allowed to do that and I'm in the book I am getting parents permission. It's okay okay how that work in your life where you were struggling with one year. You don't have to name the trouble. I know that RFI you and be assured struggles with each of them at different points along the way and came back to some trial and error on my part, but then I started looking at you know God loves you. I need to love you if I do a merit-based live and performance then you're going to grow up thinking that's the way God is and that isn't how God is out of the player give me a specific example, my goodness, threats, and dodging the bullet which child okay so with Paul got to be a point with my oldest son, he just turned 15. He was a compliant child. He made me think I was an amazing mother is children is enough. If you have that when first you're in trouble like that in the hallway one day in tears saying God love her.

I mean, help me understand her because she was a real challenge that I remember talking to my husband about this and I said he was pushing back and pushing back and he wanted to grow up to what you're saying Johnny just wanted to grow up. I know how to let that happen in my has been said you to get out of the way you've got to step back and let God take over but how was your response did you have to there, I laid my eyes are doing some mileage. My husband and I said to story.

I said you want me to get out of the way and let a holy God rained down on him to bring him back and he's like yes I like I can't do that was your issue with one well because when we come and we know that God can really bring a lot on somebody to bring him back to himself right and I just laid my head on the pillow that night and was just crying and I said Lord, get me out of the way so that I am not the obstacle to him.

Hearing your voice is that's really what he needed needed to hear the voice of the Lord, and I promise it would.

This happened in May that particular year happened in May. I remember it.

I can even tell you how many pillowcases that were saturated with mascara because I would cry myself to sleep thinking I was running them or I would cry because of what I said that I shouldn't said or what I should have said that I was afraid to say because I was afraid I'd ruin them, or that maybe David reject me, or maybe they wouldn't let me remember so clearly because two months later at 1 AM in the morning the phone rang and he was calling his dad. He was broken and I just went and I realized sometimes we have to get out way because God is trying to do a work in their life and we can sometimes be a stumbling block to your listening to one of our best of 2020 broadcasts on Focus on the Family. Our guest is Connie Albers and her book is parenting beyond rules raising teens with confidence and joy to get your copy of the book for our entire best of programming. Click on the episode notes or call 800 K family Connie in your book parenting beyond the rules mentioned the importance of listening and you actually really challenge Rick's use of most parents score themselves much higher than they should.

When it comes to their listening skills. You know myself and your your teenager probably give you the deer enough so how do we get closer to reality and understanding word might have a deficit asked them just right to ask them. And the answer that you might get from them is very different and you've got to be receptive to what they say and then you gotta take that internally processing and ask yourself some self reflective questions and I listening to learn or am I listening to correct my listening just to kind of appease them. My fully present and engaged in hearing what they're saying am I looking past what the words they're saying so that I can hear the heart and emotive. Unfortunately, teenagers that are just not always very articulate at what's really going on inside of them yet. Will the parents unionism is standing up.

Let me represent all parents will say is what I feel sometimes is that you know I'm I'm I'm listening but how was your day fun at school today great friendships, good every second. I know I hate the wrong answer as big as you know any elephant, and yet you're not getting the conversation that you're hoping for right and to answer your question that you want to talk to and the going fine. I talk about ask the right questions at the right are they preoccupied with something, don't ask the one-word questions we can do that to our spouse where our husbands come for me as much as money comes in. How's your day fine house you how did you do such and such.

It went well. Well, just a normal conversation ever. But if we asked more specifics and I guess some of these in the book.

I often say to parents when you're going to ask questions and you want to get them talking.

Ask them questions that relate to their friends not just about God's right just say I know your friend such and such was struggling in math. How are they doing or did your friends that were fighting did they get that resolved and not just a little and tell you all about it which is wonderful. Then segue into how did you respond to. Were you able to say anything to them.

So asking the right questions at the right time, not in an affront to have combative way, and I've also found blight when were driving in our eyes or so and were looking at the road and there next to us and you assess questions, they're more likely to answer you because they can't see your eyes dilator constricts your face reacts so late evening times when they are going to ban it's dimly lit in their room and you're asking them.

Teens have this private world and they will only let those that they really trust that safe to enter into that and so that's why listening is so important we talk about being available. We have to be available. Let's face it, we are in an extremely busy society. All of us have multiple things going on. We have our own problems going on in our own lives and we are distracted, trying to make the budget work, trying to work out our insurance plan to figure out who needs braces and all those things that when we start to say, you know, listening is key to the heart. Once I have their heart. I have influence.

It's important though. I want to jump in and clarify.

So because you this to me as I get going. It's a statement though because you said the goal of listening is to learn about your team not what you can do for them. Yet, the problem-solving that we so quickly go to. That's really critical.

Can I share a story that I write about this in the book.

I kind of learn from. I learned how important this was from one of my daughters. She loves to talk and she would always talk with me and I would notice that she would get frustrated with me more often as the time went on and one day we were driving and I said something and she just got so upset she said mom stop interrupting me and I just I said, directing you sweetie trying to get more and no I don't want you to fix my problem. I just want you to listen what you better back from that moment on I learned she just needed a sounding board. What we have to remember mom and dad is our children arty know what we believe they know our values. They know how were going to respond. We know how the three-step plan of how we would know what I need another lecture like it was a world-class lecture.

I tell them, from 16 different perspectives because I wasn't quite sure which one they would understand and going until they give you some sort of signal that Ya got that as they get older it's usually after the first one that month but you know when we only stopped, and there are hindrances to getting your kids to talk to you and that is if were too busy if were to busy children.

I did not realize this when I was writing the book.

My kids came and told me one time because I had to vet them. It is a part of their story and out talk about their failed. I thought about my mom fails, but they told me that they can always tell if is a good time to talk to me. By the way I was cutting carrots in the kitchen why my general rule of thumb is never argue with a woman holding the shirt so true you know the vibe here approachable that you're available. Did they know that you're not immediately going to overreact to disapprove so key they want to know that what they want to say to you, you can hear it without the immediate reaction and sometimes that and I will give you all a tip. What I used to do and we may end up having a lot of families like this but when I was really trying to process something I would just start humming because it kept me from speaking of mom's coming is probably because he is brother think that they don't talk there just little adults in the process talk to them and with them and don't be so quick to correct asked them how would you solve these are good tips that are all in the book. I want people to get a copy. Obviously we got a couple minutes here. I want to mention something that is kind of in the same area, but I want to make sure we puncture the budget set that way.

The parents need to squash their fear now. I think men and women may have a different perception as to what you mean but I would love to know. Tell me what you you go first. Okay, we often get afraid that were going to ruin them that were not doing enough that they are children going to reject us that her children going to recheck the Lord, that our children are going to listen to the peers more than similar or trying to figure out how do we do this without being being confident and bold and so that's why say we've got to squash the fear because God is giving you these children to teach and train. As I mentioned earlier, why do we replace the fear with the help us get to that goal.

Okay, so we replace the fear with the truth. We we squash out the doubt and the worry and we replace the fact that we know were working on building a relationship and we know that were communicating to our child that I am your greatest cheerleader that you can trust me, that you belong in this family that your identity is found in us, and not in others first in the Lord in our family units.

This is where you fit. This is where we get you even though sometimes we don't get you. This is the safe place for you to thrash around and figure it out and not get it right and so when we talk about fear.

Don't be afraid. What if your kids are going to hurt or harm your reputation is not about your reputation is not about your children embarrassing. You might you going for something bigger. This is just a season, and in a few short years you can be out of this with a powerful story about a young successful menu express a lot of conflict with his parents. 10 years.

What's his story that changed my parenting that change the trajectory my parenting. It was so powerful he was a very successful man and he made several comments during a presentation I heard and I went up to him and I asked him more about the story and he just said everything I did was viewed as rebellion. My parents wanted me inside this nicely fit box of these were the rules visa limit sees the boundaries and he was an adventurer.

He is a risk taker.

He's a leader he's an entrepreneur and it didn't fit within their parameter. So every time he stepped out of that he had snapped back at me physically smack that but verbally he would get pushed back he would get in trouble. He would get grounded to get privileges taken away and basically the spirit of who he was, was being squelched and the sad realities.

He was trying to explain and kinda goes back to listening even explained. And now I'm not trying to do this. I'm just trying to be me and I'm not you, and they wouldn't hear of it.

And sadly, to this day and this was many, many years ago the relationship was so badly damaged because the parents were so concerned that he fit into the box that was constructed to how their family was best to be like we may I say where the obverse family and this is what we do and my kids to this day.

They take pride in that it not because everybody has to think and act and do the same thing.

We celebrate the differences and I do talk about this and if I have a minute. How did I squash the fear it's because I went to the child, and I knew my artistic child is going to create beauty to the world in a way that only she can created and my son is going is an engineer he's logical and sequential. And God has a unique path and purpose for his life and when I started to embrace the person that they were. I let go of the fear that we Jim there. God's kids right because the bottom line is your children are masterpiece and as a masterpiece. It takes different paint strips and colors and brushes and sometimes it doesn't look right to configure breaststroke with a different color and paint over that forgiveness and unconditional love and tempering the words that you say in monitoring your mouse at the words that come out of your mouth landed to a tender place at their heart and I said when I looked at that but I thought God is he's got masterpiece when we consult with him.

We are able to paint the master that he has said that they can step into the next season of their life and honor and glorify the Lord. This is been terrific.

I think every mom. Certainly many story that concludes another Best of 2020 broadcast from Focus on the Family today featuring Connie Albers about her book parenting beyond the rules raising teens with confidence and joy with her many topics we didn't have time to cover in this conversation, so I want to recommend get a copy of Connie's book has more advice to help you build a solid relationship with your teenager and I think it will encourage you to trust God in your journey and would like to send a copy of Connie's book parenting beyond the rules raising teens with confidence and joy.

Just make a donation of any amount to Focus on the Family today sending the book is her way of saying thank you for partnering with us to quit parents and help build thriving families. Your support is critical as we prepare for a new year of helping families, please donate today numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or you can donate your copy of parenting beyond the rules raising teens with confidence and joy. Again, that's 800 the letter a in the word family or donate online and I get the book. The links are in the episode notes and it might be that you've never taken her free parenting assessments. This is something that tens of thousands of parents have taken it's really helpful takes just a few minutes and it'll give you an overview of what's working well in your role as a mom or dad. And maybe one or two ways that you can improve that relationship, especially with just visit the episode notes for the link to that assessment coming up next on Dr. Kevin Lehman will encourage you to celebrate the new year by allowing God to help you overcome your imperfections backlog who spoke this verse is the God we worship the largest euro. For now on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today from Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ