Discovering the Secrets to a Lifelong Romance (Part 2 of 2)

Rather than giving a gift of cash this Christmas. Friends of focus can give a smarter gift. You can choose to give a gift of stock that has appreciated over the last year you get a tax deduction for the fair market value avoid tax on the appreciation of the stock and turn that savings into a gift or family. For more information on non-cash giving visit focus non-cash gift.com that's focusing on cash gift.com. This may use your job is to get behind his eyes see how you see is what your job really to understand what makes Jean check and she's not like every other women. So when you want to talk about womenswear man.

My all matter #: another site that's your job. The gods given to you to be the PI. The private investigator into what this woman or man is Dr. Kevin Lehman is back with us today on Focus on the Family and your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly joining us son John felt they we all want to have a marriage where were free to share our deepest thoughts, feelings, and dream with our spouse, and when were dating. It's easy to talk about that for hours.

Jean and that's what happens.

We talk about those things and we develop that intimacy and then we get busy we get married we have the kids and were paying the bills, in particular the house and the in-laws and the outlaws and everything else and that's why I'm really grateful that last time we started a discussion with Dr. Kevin Lehman on his book the intimate connection. I invited Jean to join as my great wife and it was a great conversation… Some energy site and working the ticket in the day to continue that discussion and if you missed any of part one to go online. We've got links to it. You can download it. See the YouTube version and I also get the mobile app if you'd like all@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast, and as was mentioned, Dr. Lehman is a prolific speaker, author and psychologist. He does a lot of TV and radio he's been here. I think 50 times or more, and always a popular guest with their audience.

He's written a book called the intimate connection secrets to a lifelong romance, and I were offering that to you check the episode notes for details. Kevin and Jane welcome back. Well think kiddo. It's wonderful being back. I enjoyed yesterday and I think I would enjoy today that was fun talking about how God made us different and trying to do a better job of becoming one. Plus a lot of fun and laughing about all the one-liners you had, but it was great. Jean has said you're probably one of her most favorite authors so I'm a little jealous so that's a great place to start with Kevin. One secret you identify that can lead to a stronger, healthier marriage, so the listeners are leaning in and that is to understand your spouse's temperament. What's that mean I think I understand that, but how and why is that important.

Well, you know are all wired differently. People come out of the womb differently. There's four personality types that have been talked about for years and that's the melancholic. Now I'm the guy that wrote the birth order book and whenever I think about the melancholic. I think of the only children were going to do it the right way and some of you are married to people who know exactly the right way to do things.

I'm a little offended by that child, but she knows the right way to discuss your letter fell because something amiss.

There you could do with life and not be the firstborn.

That's about four to me but the clerics are the do it my way. She got to do it the right way, you got do it my way.

Those guys are psychological first cousins are very very similar. So you lurk in the birth order words that usually fall the firstborn firstborn is where you get all you firstborn children are listening you got in trouble for what your younger sister, brother, I don't care what you did almost accept Marty so a lot of leadership comes from the firstborn okay and then of course you have the phlegmatic snow. If there's one thing I'd hate to be called in life just like Matt, it sounds like something you get in the ocean that would stick to your skin and you could never like that term those of those adorable little children who are the peanut butter and jelly sandwich there that the best part that they they mediate the peacemakers. They go with the flow and and then of course is the sanguine is like Kevin Lehman and that's due at the fun way but yes interesting I identify with that. Oh yeah, there's only one way, the way you marry the list maker always tell people seem to be a night. We live in a two-story house. Her story and my thing so and I call her the mouth. Martha Luther because she's the great reformer, it's like on the leopard and she's good take out her psychological Brillo pad and start working on my spots and ladies, this man is who is your job is to get behind his eyes see how he sees like your job gentleman get behind your wife's size and to really understand what makes Jean tick and she's not like any other women. So when you and I talk about womenswear man. Keep in mind all men are not the same.

All women are not the same. That's your job. The gods given to you to be that the PI, the private investigator into what this woman or man is all about coming back to the temperaments because I think it's important that we get a basic understanding that are spouse's temperament can help de-escalate conflict. I mean, it gives you a framework for understanding triggers another thing. So let me ask you question because those firstborn you know who you are, you know exactly how life to be your husband was driving he hangs a simple left-hand turn is only you can say Martha Luther is why interning here you had a better plan.

And so, remember competition in marriage is not good.

Marriage is not a competitive sport. Nobody wins in marriage and so my advice is have a good role definition in your marriage honey I'll do this and you do that and will come together on these other things and without that role definition I think you kill each other when fat competition that does pop up even when you don't assume that your competitive Jean you have a story about that.

I think early in our marriage. I see our first year of marriage is always fun at home I and we Jim and I were working for a company and we traveled around the country. Great first year thing to do showing multimedia presentations, motivational, drug and alcohol abuse programs at high schools rights to 17 states and nine months we had days off. It was great. Well, that's another bra. It was wonderful. I went so funny so Jean you know she has attributes where she she likes a little solitary time. You know we've been together 24 seven, four months and she said what one point she said, I'm at the store and skip a few things that we need and I said well come with you and said no you could stay here at the hotel I'm been together 2470 like five months and needed to get the store at 11 but that was in the compound competitive parts but it was the same trip and while we are doing this multimedia share with three large screens and Jim and I would take turns running the different sides of that. And this day I was doing the nine slide projectors and the real the real and if a lamp went out of a light bulb went out your heart up the screen would go black. She quickly had to pull that out and put in a new one and so that was my job and and I was trying to do it and Jim runs over and does it for me. It was like you know karate style is that we were going. Things happen one put really miffed and felt like you I'm not good and if I can't do this by myself, but I also was really pretty horrified that I felt that with my newlywed husband. I did not know I was competitive I was swept 25 years old and did not know that about myself until that moment fiercely competitive that a lot of achievers in life need to allot to the fact that there competitive by nature and many times that their spouse's expense or other people.

But here's the question for a couple struggles with competition whose winning your marriage and should be the other one down and write. There's no winner, no thinking.

I'm not sure your spouse that should be winning. Let me tell our listeners. We have Dr. Kevin Lehman's book at our website and we really encourage you to get it'll be great to work through as a couple. It addresses so many different topics is called the intimate connection secrets to a lifelong romance will send you copy give us a call our number is 800 K and the word family. Kevin let me ask you that the power games that go on a lot of nature. I mean, you know the Scriptures pretty clear that were sinful creatures that mean that's how we come along effect Jean mentioned to our boys the other day I thumbs a good observation with Troy her youngest. She saying that we didn't teach you how to lie about eating a cookie when you should. It just came out naturally. That's a great observation, kids for snow to cover up even something like that. Like a cookie but you outlined several of the power games that couples play with each other. Describe the game you call turtle shell mom yeah I like that because I know if I get upset. My first reaction is to get quiet. Yes, that's a lot of men yeah a lot of cement ON and it's sort of like you go ahead and do whatever you want, but you can flip me on my shell but I'm not coming out until I I feel like I'm safe and what is a woman doing that case when she feels her husband withdraw you see a pattern.

These are isolated things a pattern or man withdraws and when he withdraws you know that something's going on that he's not happy with it may not be you might be some happen at work say honey I can tell the sums eaten. If you want talk about it now. This goes back to granting your spouse respect because you may want to talk about it now because you see something going on but if you're like Jim Daly and you will go to bed early. You don't want to take on life's troubles. That's good tomorrow be better honey or surprise him was last time you is a wife sent your husband and email it said you know I stopped it. Victoria secrets and picked up a little something that's is little surprise for you, but you have to wait till Saturday. Here's a principal in marriage. Anticipation is as good as or better than participation. First Peter 37 says live with your bride with understanding well ladies limitation about that husband years. He has no friends. This Associates is bowling Associates. This goes back to our arms like the younger men today are listening, the Lord, you do have friends not matter much better today than they used to be, but some of us the older generation middle-age on up a lot of us don't have friends. And I'm pointing to Jean you know in the lot of us as men. We have all the stuff we deal with and it eats us up and we need somebody downloaded to and sometimes it comes out dangerous want to got the managers could withdraw you got the man it's going to strike back to be angry. What am I called dump truck, dump truck, who's got the dump truck and dump on your mate is like you have Stearman or an old dump truck and you had a bad day so you find your wife and push that magic button and watch that big thing alarm and dumpster manure under wife and again you unloaded your load all right, but what if you don't your spouse will have no honey you go ahead and play golf. I'll stay home here with your with your mother. Hope you have a great time. Actually what you're saying is I hope you lose your three iron and breaker seven. I saw Angela like to sort of cheap shots, but there just their symptoms that you have been paying attention to me. You have not been affectionate to me. You have been communicative with me.

So all these things are going to come to the surface. If you don't deal with them and that's why that 311. We talked about is so last time you magic, you then downloaded, but so haven't had as a couple start feeling like a team with a kind of isolated how the hell would they get into this pit.

But how do they turn that around and lets every summer. Listen right now may go home tonight at the dinner table and say honey, I heard Dr. Lehman on fast today. I've been thinking about some things and you know I think of I made a lot of mistakes.

So the first thing is, no honey I don't know what I'm talking about. I might be way out in left field here but and then you slipper the commercial announcement area slip in the commercial announcement.

I think we've gotten off the beaten path. Also, last time we prayed together was last time we did this and start talking positivist and negative. Don't be bashing or pointing fingers you semi-statements.

I feel bad that when this position today. I mean, let's be honest, I mean do you feels close to me right now as you'd like to yeah well no I don't need it. What, let's figure this out to get it, you know, we have great intensive program for married couples ever in trouble and a lot of them of sign divorce papers. But one of things that I've learned just observing that is so much of this gets down to communication and we we just don't learn how to communicate with each other effectively and effectively.

This is a more humorous component that we Jean you and I had trait communication error when we are at some waterpark you wanted to let people know about this is so funny.

This is classic Kevin and I'd love your input on this one. My it's doesn't make me look very good at. Our family was that waterpark and we arrived around lunchtime we can get lunch were first in line for a locker in the lying all the lines are really long. Jim stayed in the locker line and we agreed that I would go to the first snack shack and or there are probably over there get a table and set IE went to that first snack shack and they didn't have French fries with my bird and I really wanted to write that line was long for the locker because I got had hang. I thought I had enough time to run to this second snack shack since he had come. Yeah, although many communicated at this point and she was going to run along the look for these you know French fries from somewhere. I said okay… Meet back here this table. This is a huge like 300 acre place and you get lost in this place you done and so Jean said okay let's meet back here yeah and what that place didn't have French fry since I think helping the next five so I'm thinking I'm probably not can get to the table in time, but I think I actually thought Jim would somehow know that I was sequentially gasoline from snack shack she was in another country. At one and now I'm gone. And then there is a long line. First hour goes by. Okay well I don't know how long the table and there is no gin in the voicemail I and so I realize you're not there I go to the lockers there not anywhere to be found and if this is just bizarre keen.

I didn't know what locker they had my I had no identification. I know my knee. I might cell phone was praying the locker and I became like this lost five-year-old little girl. I'm thinking I'm good have to sleep in the waterpark that they're not let me. I say fear had gripped Stan I'm walking around the park for two hours and we can't find each other okay and and I even went to the lounge chairs where we put our towels and stayed there for a while.

Okay, Jim. When we finally did meet what happened. I had sat there literally for maybe an hour and 1/2 hour 45 I was like that one incident. I decide she's lost my little wife is gone. So I walked this whole waterpark looking under every bridge on the thing and you every ride I'm looking at the lines I must've spent another hour looking for.

I come back to the very table seating unite meet at the table and she's mad at me she's like the court sees a story going.

I was here for like an hour and 45 minutes waiting for you. Then I went looking for you on the 300 acre lot looking for you for the last three hours know if I told you this is the real problem was, yes, you can stick to that's true. I do have a problem. I do definitely have a problem with that. Now I was feeling insecure about my body and that set me off for the whole day.

I'm not kidding. In my my body was really covered with longsleeve brass card and board shorts.

There was only one other woman in the waterpark who was more covered than me from head to toe, that is why I went wacko that day. That's what really was the first time I've heard this, I think I can make you both feel better if I told you that I lost my 14-year-old daughter Holly in New York City when I was doing the Phil Donahue show in Bloomingdale's and had to call Mrs. Abington and say I have a problem. What's the problem honey was to show delayed know the problems Holly honey was the problem. I don't know where she is oh you what so I can identify with. I know talking about communication. Had I started the day by saying Jim were going to waterpark I'm feeling insecure about my body. It wouldn't change the entire day it gets back to taking the time to communicate the reality of what I'm feeling inside and lots of times for a lot of different reasons. I think this goes back to how we grew up how we saw mom and dad what we brought the baggage we brought in always remind people it's not two people got married is at least six, marry your families and you marry what whatever garbage was there. You bring to the altar and you have to work through those things early in your marriage or you're going that a plan for the pop up from time to time but you know that the Lord we serve is a great God. He wants what's best for us and I guess generally I think most of our marriage problems or spiritual problems. We just try to cut it out on ourselves without say Lord I need your help.

Holy Spirit help me guide me. Let me say the things that I need to say before I came here today at my hotel. I issued a very short prayer largest help the words glorify you and it's easy to try to glorify yourself or to be selfish.

That's the carnal part of man, but it takes that daily commitment to work toward oneness to be a real couple.

And if you do, your kids are taken emotional and spiritual notes on what life is all about mounting, I'm sorry. I'm sorry didn't know you well enough to handle that differently well know you couldn't read my mind and that's it.

That's a lot man to read their mind now and it took me a long time in marriage to realize how unfair that is that Jim can't read my mind and that I need to tell him my expectations or you do that a lot better than I had to learn that my favorite all-time things happen in my life. My wife says honey you want to stop for ice cream and I said no. I kept driving two minutes later she's crying what's wrong with you. What is so what a woman says Jim you want to stop for ice cream. She's not asking a question yesterday about Jean's birthday. I ministry a couple extra days, as hearings and finally after 30 years of marriage. We have covered a lot of ground. But let's think of the takeaways the listener what are just three or four things. Dr. Lehman, you mentioned trigger partners again. If making loving your partner daily choice is a good idea in his embrace the differences don't let them irritate you.

Well the things that you're attracted to early in your dating are sometimes the things that really do irritate you later on but embrace the idea of oneness embrace the idea that you really do need each other. I never told you how much I dislike Barbra Streisand that I but now she sang a song called people, people who need people what the luckiest people in the world to realize as a couple you really need each other that this is a couple is not a competitive event and so working together and not pointing fingers, but saying honey let's work on this together and that I love you, never goes out of style needed is basic courtesy of marriage. You know I'm thinking of that either husband or wife and I'll use the wife because I think it leans that direction. Most often, where she doesn't feel connected any longer, emotionally, spiritually, maybe even physically.

She's drawn into this conversation okay there some things I need to do. Maybe it's the husband. But what would you say to that person where the intimacy and I'm not talking just physical intimacy, just the connection between the two of them is evaporated. Well, I know how they feel could I talk with them all time still and what they feel isolated. They feel trapped and which way to go. So what say you want to search their elder in the church. What are people going to think and we have nothing to say to each other. I would love.

We probably don't have time I would love to read a poem you guys if I may. It's called the wall. Just listen to it represent so many couples today, and it saddens my heart to think about this. Their wedding picture mock them from the table those to whose mind is no longer touched each other. They live with such a heavy barricade between them that neither battering ram of words nor calories of touch could break it down somewhere between the oldest child's first tooth on the youngest daughters graduation. They lost each other throughout the years, each slowly unraveled the tangled ball of string called self and as they tugged at stubborn knots beachhead is searching from the other. Sometimes she cried at night and begged the whispering darkness to tell her who she was.

He lay beside her snoring like a hibernating bear, unaware of her winter. She took a course in modern art, trying to find yourself in color splashed upon the canvas complaining other women about men who are insensitive.

He climbed into a tomb call the office, wrapped his mind a shroud of paper figures and buried himself in customers.

Slowly the wall between them.

Rose cemented by the mortar of indifference one day reaching out to touch each other.

They found the barrier they could not penetrate the recording from the coldness of the stone, each retreated from the stranger on the other side when love dies is not a moment of angry battle on fiery bodies lose their heat lies panting exhausted and expiring.

The bottom of the wall could render somber reminder to break down any and all walls in your marriage. As we come to the close for this best of 2020 addition of Focus on the Family for too many couples the words of that poem perfectly describe how they feel in their marriage disconnected. If that's you we are here for you. I know it's been a tough year end your marriage may be suffering because of it. Give us a call and learn about her counseling opportunities. Hope are stored in the other resources we have for you. You are numbers 800 a family, 800-232-6459 or find help in the links in the episode show notes on that note, I want to thank those of you who have faithfully continued supporting Focus on the Family this year.

We did lose support from some donors and we absolutely understand, but that means those of you who continue to partner with us are more important than ever.

If you've benefited from our ministries here Focus on the Family and you can afford to give a gift of any amount.

Please join the support it's a critical time here for us to hear from you so please give now and I'll send you a copy of Dr. Lehman's book the intimate connection to say thank you for your support and again the number to get in touch don't need to get that book is 800 a family, 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes and find the links there and next time were to hear from John Burke, who offers a glimpse of heaven.doesn't make entrance into heaven. Something he just it's a gift. All is a heart turning to him, saying, I want your love. I want your forgiveness. I want your life behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting You Back Your Family Dr. in Christ.

I was convinced that nothing can change what was going on in our marriage and I want to try anymore but my commitment to God, help me try one more time. We went to a hope restored marriage intensive and it was life-changing. The counselors created the safest environment we can imagine, so that let us really talk much different course now I believe we received a miracle that week received your free consultation. Hope restored.com