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December 21, 2020 5:00 am
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Everybody around number for everybody but we were open to it. Last year the a lot of folks in the 30 R age that were seen in marriages fall apart and scared after 11 years. Brett's marriage had grown stale. He wanted something better for he and his wife. That's when they found our podcast online and begin listening almost every day. Focus on the Family helped our marriage standpoint of opening our hearts to see things from the other active and make sure that God is centered in our marriage. I Jim Daly thanks to the generosity of friends like you. Brett's marriage is getting better. Working together we can give families hope we join our marriage building team call 800 the A, and the word family or donate@focusonthefamily.com/hope in your gift will be double the Lord we serve great God wants what's best for us.
I think most of America from we just try to cut it out on ourselves without say Lord I need your help.
Holy Spirit help me guide me. Let me say the things that I need to say that's Dr. Kevin Lehman and he joins us today on this best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family getting advice on having a life long romance with your spouse, your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John from John Pearson trip the world record for the longest marriage ever held Elmira and Herbert Fisher. They were married 87 years until Herbert passed away when he was 105. That's pretty amazing right. Several years ago a reporter asked the fishers what is the most important thing to remember when marriage gets hard.
I love their answer.
Remember, marriage is not a contest, don't keep score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win a great quote that something good. Remember, for all of us and really connect so well with what Dr. Kevin Lehman has forced today in this broadcast. It does, and when we hear the program in January this year we heard from so many spouses wives especially who felt deprived of affection from their husbands and felt like Kevin's advice was exactly what they needed to hear in a course, the most important advice is to lean on Jesus to fill in the imperfect gaps we leave in our marriage and we all have those and for those who aren't familiar with Dr. Lehman. He's an internationally known psychologist and speaker, and a very popular guest here on focus and he and his wife Sandy have been married for over 50 years.
The book of one of I think 60 that he's written that would be really talking about today is called the intimate connection secrets to a lifelong romance and will have a link in the episode show notes for that. Let me mention as well. Jim that we were so glad to have your wife Jean join us for the conversation and I was going here that now, as Jim asked for the secret to a lifelong marriage on today's Focus on the Family.
Let's start with the big question, with all your years of its Kevin as a marriage and family psychologist.
What would you say is the number one secret of successful marriages say that when I estimated this book, I had a conversation with Mrs. up into my bride, her real name is Sandy but my nickname for his Mrs. Abington could use the class to one of the two of us and I said honey I will I we happily married is very happily married, so I heard that I said okay I'll do that, but really pretty simple as you know, God gave us marriage is an opportunity to serve one another that would serve touchy these days some circles and I think basically it gets down to becoming an expert are really good at just knowing what your husband's needs are, what your wife needs are and in servicing her being a servant again. Talk to a group of women I talk to women groups all time and I say servant and man hears her back looking at you funny but I got news for you. That's what marriage is its being a servant to one another well in your book the intimate connection you mentioned this context of have a lifestyle of intimacy. What is that mean well that's something you work toward. I'd love to tell you that most couples in the church have an intimate marriage but my observation is they have a his and her marriage. They have the married singles lifestyle they married, single, married singles lifestyle. It is that whether married but you wouldn't know it because so many of the things they do are reminiscent of the single lifestyle like a roommate in many ways and women are the relational gurus of our society like that little rabbit that keeps: they hug anything that moves wordsmiths and so many times is just easy with all the stress on couples today so money men and women who have young children are in the workplace. I shake my head sometimes is how these young couples doing this just tough to find time where we can be together and share when you say one of the biggest reasons couples that feel disconnected is because they don't understand each other now. I'm sure that's not happening in your marriage after 53 years Mrs. Abington, I knew what what what's at the root of that we don't understand each other's that the problem there so weird okay you know Jean is like digging your own pot. There are holes just hear me out for a second and you can harpoon they go potty in groups of six is not uncommon for women to say I'm going potty. Anyone want to come along social event to scratch their head that when you mean they talk in and talk talk. Women no man likes or the USA Today version because most of us is matter like to be problem solvers, you know, and my plea to women because they tell me. My husband doesn't talk your husband will top you have to know how to approach this dude okay if this is late breaking news for you. If you're driving hang out of the will. Us men across the board. I want to give you disclaimer about 15% of marriages are not represented what I'm about to tell you but we men across the board. Hate your questions. We don't like the Y word, we get defensive. If you want your husband to talk to you. Trust me on this honey could I ask your opinion about something that is not a man in this building that doesn't have an opinion I'm not saying it's a good opinion or write up and I just I we got up and that's a good way to stage of writing. This is the dangerous part. You have a summary from our marriage that illustrates the differences between men and women I senior member had some to do with your birthday.
This could be painful. Go ahead of me.
Now there was one year. I think we spent we'd spent more money than we usually do and I remember telling you, Jim. I don't want you to buying me for my birthday. Now can I translate that I'm giving I need to do anything for your bird liar that I said please don't buy me a gift to my birthday. Can I'm so sorry you've and they didn't do think they being me in the hallways, even night. There was no breakfast in bed from the employees and there were no handmade cards from the boys. Jim heard me telling him he thought I was saying don't do anything.
Look what I heard was you got the day off. You know your feelings and guilt gathers alive your story Jean painful reminds me the guy that's written a lot of books on marriage and family. I bought my dear sweet Brian, I can't remember if it was a birthday present an anniversary present when it was a this is just embarrassing site of four place toaster.
I think about how I Lehman your dumb as a bagels and toasters you could find, but but this communication thing with women. I gotta tell you a story about Mrs. Abington because I had to take Lauren our youngest daughter by the way Lauren was a little surprised if you don't believe in history we had the shocker at 42 and the surprise of 48, and while I had a take Lauren to the pediatric dentist. He was about 3'6" tall and I don't want to pediatric dentist does tell you the truth, except work and the kids deep I guess but anyway I said honey, it's only like I gotta get there tell me I got more important. You can't miss it.
You can't miss it. I listened as she said this flowers in the front of the building, but that's not the entrant you gotta go around the side entrance. You can't miss, not Tucson Arizona I live is a million people know much about Mary. Okay then I'll going on. I'll start looking for flowers address given across street honest to Pete that was your response did you get lost.
I finally got the address out of her but hunting.
I think I could've found .7 women were one more just pops in the mind and we live about 2 miles as the crow flies from a place called Montana Canyon resort. It's a Lowe's beautiful hotel and we had two docs fly into our pool and those little suckers stayed there for three days and we have a little cockerel who barked all the time of those docs and the ducks didn't leave. Unbeknownst to me, my dear sweet wife calls Montana Canyon resort hello yes this is Sandy Lehman I like you to come and get your docs out of our pool usually meant hey hey Harry pickup line 1.
I got a line on she really thought that they were on the property of antennae Canyon because they do have some box up there, but very sweet. It is sweet machine what it is for docs she says things that I just shake my head about something that's okay.
She's got a great heart and so you learn you learn.
I see women lie like dogs with tongue-in-cheek I'll be a few moments. I just be a few minutes, but I've learned to work out a formula to figure out so I'm not asking her like what time you would be home and sit there like an idiot. Make a fool of myself that hate you will be home two hours ago. You have to understand who she is meet those needs as best you can. Yeah, this is the perfect set up for the next question which I wanted to ask you say true intimacy and marriage starts with recognizing each other's needs. That's what you're expressing. So let's dig into it first for us husbands. Identify the basic needs of women and what they are and Jean Juergen hold them accountable right represented now you tell if this if he's right there no louder Lehman what are these needs that women have just noticed I think God was originally humorously came up with this on the two shall become one. Because assault were so different. Number one for women I think is affection. It's huge in a woman's life. Number two is communication, not every man listening, what are we basically as man, not great at number one is affection so it's affection, communication, commitment to the family that's basically what it is for women and men are completely different they wanted feel needed, wanted and appreciated.
Yeah, and unfulfilled, and that includes the S word sexual they want they want that wife to pursue that chubby body that's pounds and she walked down the aisle and that's just the reality of how don't don't write me a nasty letter that that's God's plan that that's how he made us very different looking. Let's get to another store at a know why we've done this, but you identify closely with the need for good communication like Evans talking about. Explain that need where you and I have you know maybe play that out in our marriage. Communication well I was a night person, little less than one now, but you are and always have an important price then and we would go to bed and I am ready to upload data that is happened in my day and I know this lien. I want to talk about resolve deep relational moment.
We put our heads on the pillows and then later we can. That's when I want to talk about the problems with the kids well and Jim.
I mean, you finally had to gently say you know Jane and my head is hitting the pillow. I'm not totally with you.
I got three minutes that he does have some political leanings, and while that was probably way down the road of her marriage. When I finally had the courage to say I can't really hang with you here well and I just in the last week. I mean I really I I wanted to talk to you about.
Probably one of our son probably and I stopped myself. It's bedtime and I and also you told me that if you start problem-solving at night at bedtime and he can't go to sleep I can unplug once I get in the event so I mean we had to talk about that but you also thought yeah okay so the other thing early in our marriage were probably year number three I can remember specifically a moment where were brushing her teeth in the morning together and I'm chippers can because it's morning. This is the time God intended for them and I mean this is this is all good were supercharging.
I'm ready take on the day for the Lord and I noticed jeans not responding to me and I thought for a long time why she mad at me, mean I'm serious. I didn't sleep well nothing, not even a grunt. I thought she said mad at me. She won't even respond to me you married woman had died but I'll tell you Mrs. up into in the morning to put it bluntly got issues. I just got the stuff she puts on her face. I don't know what it's called, and it really looks to me it looks like poppyseed dressing herself takes a while to come forth as it were different. I like to go to bed early and now that I'm older I me I'm drooling at 830 Connecticut yeah, you can't go to bed but I civil watch me.
She's half raccoon she's up till 2 o'clock. Reading books is our best friends. I told John last night were visiting and I said about 2 o'clock.
She goes out tips over the garbage in the neighborhood back to bed. I'm up early like that. So you need to talk about those things and I so appreciate Jean working to figure that out. The ring up a learning process just like forgiveness is a learning process is not a personal thing. If Jim falls asleep is not personal, it's just something that is right is this is Focus on the Family and we are enjoying a conversation today with Dr. Kevin Lehman and I think we're getting into some of the content Jim of his book the intimate connection to a lifelong romance we want to encourage you to get your copy.
We got details in the episode shown because of the humor of it all, let's quickly restate the three things that men need to know about wives. What are the core things they need same again. Yeah, you know, as a man, just a reminder, this is simple as ABC affection. Okay affection takes all different forms is that little touch. It's that single rose. It's that little note, you wrote and put a stamp on it, put it in the mail. It's almost sent email that says I can't wait to get home.
When you walk in the door.
Part of affection is honey. What can I do to help you get little ankle biters around. I'm telling you she sees you as the best reliever in the national league, the helper and when you sit down and do nothing. Anger can build in trouble. So again, affection, communication that we just take time to do that and then commitment to the family. Being a good dad that she purrs like a kitten when you're a good dad. Believe me okay now the opposite again just to recap what wives need to understand about helping the needs of her husband. Yeah ladies I know you're busy, you pushed six and half hours to bring this little one the life.
8 1/2 of that middle child that youngest he just came out real quick.
Okay I get it, but you have to understand this man. I know some of you say Lehman.
I have four children because my husband is the fourth one. That's not healthy is not good. He needs to be a husband but you. That I speak well of him, especially in front of other people. You have to understand he's needs to be wanted and needed by you, that's physically and emotionally and at least the fulfillment that's just wait it know that's really good.
You have this analogy of the teakettle to talk about emotions what explain the teakettle analogy. Well, you know, we tend to talk when life happens little cheap shots little something you North Slope Borough under the saddle and rocking say anything about it. You know, and I'm gonna remember it simmers and then there's a trigger and then it blows and it's sort of like I hate you just analogy by think it's a good one. You have the flu.
Okay. And you say man and you throw up, and you feel better because you throw up, but when you explode its anger and its venom you've literally thrown up on your make you feel better. But what if you done and so it's really important that you call my favorite one of my favorite all-time movies. What about Bob it's all about baby steps for some of us as men. Baby steps, but it takes a while to understand this gift, this woman again I say with tongue-in-cheek they are weird. I took said I do I do Fox News in New York a lot. I took Sandy to New York with me recently and there's nine W. shoe store. The ladies probably know what nine W. is that she's in there two hours Jean and I was in there about 10 minutes, walked out, walked around sixth Avenue and went back in. Make sure she was still with us and she came out two hours later two hours later. She doesn't have a shoe she's we need to go to Soho. We need to go to Sam Edelman in Soho if you know New York City Manhattan so is along Right away so like a train seal.
I find myself in Soho and she's in Sam Edelman for an hour.
That's three hours looking at shoes and I'm so glad I took in New York with but when she came out she had to. She was a 9 1/2 now. How many men know what your shoe size of your wife is 9 1/2 and she had two boxes issues with her and it was like she had just struck the lottery or some she was just beaming that she had as I say it a lot.
She's happy, I'm happy they go. That's good you outline you outlined five things we need to know about feelings.
What are those five will thanks for the quiz number one feelings are right or wrong or just your feelings.
Okay, here's what I want people really understand when you share your feelings, it draws you together when you go down the judgment trail. Now all of the defenses go that's too so how do you do that how do you differentiate between sharing your feelings and sharing judgment about the other person's feelings with me that this just for me. I got to sit on a while.
I really do because I just follow my feelings and there's another one you think about this just a week. We follow our feelings for the next 30 days together. Okay I got news for you looking to be in the county jail together, you can't go through life and follow your feelings gentleman you see a good looking chick walking down the street get in touch with your feelings off all your feelings you're going to jail. Somebody cut you off in traffic. I nearly got a little Christian fish on the back doesn't count my book but when you feel like doing.
If you like put them in the ditch.
She can't go through life God gave us a brain and I think we get this to problems in marriage. I really believe there there are basically spiritual problems.
I think so money was brought so much baggage in the marriage. We try to do this on our own.
And what I've learned in the old, and have learned to say Lord come on I need some teaching here and that's when the holy's Holy Spirit. I talked with the Holy Spirit led me to do this and let me to do that. The way I see it Holy Spirit the helper helps you to move forward.
So I need little time to sift through that, let's get one thing I thought good tools that you talk about in the book the intimate connection is the 311 rule Jean. I actually call you mentioned that you try to implement that in our communication. What is real quickly. I mean you can do it two minutes. It can be. I caught 31 wanted take three minutes and there's an issue okay so you're gonna face each other. I mean, if you're rich and have a Jacuzzi or power. But for the rest of us just hold hands, eyeball to eyeball. The rules are one person speaks for three minutes. Then the next person get 60 seconds disorder clarify what they heard then that next person gets a minute to say will know that's not exactly what it meant.
Here's it's real simple, and it it helps you get the feelings out.
I love the example of a balloon you blow air into blue member in your kid you block and sometimes it snap your face well remember when you blow it and then you took the neck a bit. You made that terrible noise to bother your parents or your sister over and over and over is a good analogy that sometimes when that when that stuff comes out in communication. It's not easy to listen to because your Maidstone is something you really need to hear. But notice that the balloon goes down and what's the odds of it bursting into a huge thing very little because you got some stuff that will help people with at 311 concept. The point is you need to make time to talk. Yeah, the other for me this is really number two of the five is communication pick it up from there. We didn't get all five so again reminders yet you have a right to express your feelings okay and a lot of us were brought up in homes where we tried to share feelings. Let's face it we got shot down and then when you ask your main why do you feel that you are what I said earlier, I mean us men hate the why would so when you say why do you go here just being demeaning to make so saying things like honey tell me more about want to understand more about how you feel.
I want to understand how you feel that the phrase every spouse longs to hear and work in a press pause in the conversation today I become back to part two next time. In our conversation with Dr. Kevin Lehman generally took a pretty lighthearted approach to this topic but I know this can really be a serious pain point for many couples. If that describes you please reach out to us that we have caring Christian counselors who will listen and pray with you completely free of charge. We have our hope restored marriage intensive and we've been amazed to see how God has provided this year and allowed us to continue helping hurting couples even and especially during the pandemic and if you need help are numbers 800 a family or click the link in the episode show notes so many professionals in the culture right now John are saying. Marriage is the core issue in the culture.
The breakdown of marriage and family. If your marriage isn't struggling but you want to give families hope this Christmas season. Please become a focus supporter today.
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I'll send you a copy of Dr. Kevin Lehman's book the intimate connection to say thank you and to help you create the soul connection in your own marriage. Donate today when you call 800 a family portrait. Check the episode show notes for the link on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. You and your family try, and I knew my marriage is falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselor said of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today