Are Your Five Core Needs Being Met? (Part 2 of 2)

I remember just getting really panicky like no I have to figure this out right now because my my Sunday school like two hours and I have to know what to say when Holly's son was considering suicide.

She called a Focus on the Family counselor all those years I've been listening to focus. I was thinking about how they were like a practical guide for me that was founded by certificate from them. I didn't really know where else to turn on Jim Daly. Working together we can rescue hurting parents like Holly and give families hope.

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We need that if working to raise up the next generation of believers to walk in obedience and to walk in the truth that God loves us, only today Focus on the Family.com/hope and your gift will be doubled today on Focus on the Family will return to one of our most popular broadcasts from this past year featuring Dr. Kathy Cook. She was describing what our needs are and how to fulfill those inappropriate ways. Last time Dr. Cook shared a childhood struggle of being too tall. My mom and dad and will be a tap dance class and I went from being, you know, really too tall to be in the center of the back row of the system that I decided with high Arctic is only the tallest was allowed to be and I became court that I had belonging their didn't tease me for my height, my identity was I'm a dancer security I can trust my mom that I can trust myself because I'm no longer clumsy and I feel safe inside my own skin.

I had purpose become a dancer competence, this that one decision for me to cry out to my mom and dad to be solution focused changed everything for me at the age of six I John Fuller in your hostess books Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly Joe headache great conversation last time with Dr. Kathy Cook and this is just one of several programs were featuring this month from our best of 2020, collection, and I really want to encourage you to check them out that Dr. Kevin Lehman shares the secret of a lifelong romance for marriage, Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub explain how to help your children understand and manage their emotions in healthy ways in the John Burke gives us a wonderful vision of how our future is in heaven. These are powerful programs that will be great for you to review again and again so check out the website to learn more about this full collection. That's all in the episode notes and were also can have a link to Dr. Kathy Cook's book which we are more about today. It's called five to thrive. How to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not last time John Kathy was describing how God specifically designed this with holes or needs that only he can fill. But the problem is we often try to fill these needs with the wrong things. For example, we think we need to be happier or more successful, but our real need is security and, ultimately, we can only find that in the Lord. That's the point of Matthew chapter 6 verse 33 seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

Some looking forward to hear more of Kathy's great insights today. So here's the continuation of our best of conversation with Dr. Kathy Cook on Focus on the Family as we start that we need to give our listeners a quick overview of what we talked about last time you identified five is that your book is based upon. We covered two of them last time. Describe all five in a quick summary of security and identity which we covered last time Sir so security who can I trust our security should be placed in people who are trustworthy about the God Jesus the Holy Spirit people have proven themselves to be responsible, dependable to stalkers and then our own selves.

In addition to, but not instead of that because I agree with the Scripture from Proverbs are we going to lean on our own understanding but I also want us to grow up and mature and have the ability to respond to the Holy Spirit inside of ourselves so that we can be doing right even if no one is watching. If you will that security and then that leads to identity. Who am I not who was I not who I want to be but do we have a complete honest, accurate understanding of who we are. Identity controls behavior.

So it's really important that we know who we are, not who does mom say we are not who husband wishes we were. Who are we and we walk with integrity and that is rooted in security, no security, no identity when we have our security and identity that we can develop our belonging, which is who wants me. Does anyone know that I'm alive. Can I hang out with belonging we all have a need wired into us by God for community for connection for relationship. This is what drives us to healthy relationships is that inner need is no weakness to admit that we have that need.

It's wired into us by God and that purpose, why am I alive why did God bother making me and I believe that it's rooted in our security identity and belonging. We were created to serve people. If we know our identity and our strength and our passion and we have a security and trustworthiness and people we can depend upon to help us grow that we will discover our purpose and then that leads to competence. What do I do well and what things it's so important about that, by intro, is that I don't need your competencies is I'm not you, and you don't need mind because you not me. I need the competencies I need to fulfill my purpose, which is why we have to stop comparing ourselves to everybody and judging and they were never content because I'm not as good as her as fast as her as bright as don't be who you were created to be.

So you can fulfill your purpose in the gifts that you have by your creator because God is good, something that sounds so simple, but gets so complicated in this life. You know that's why the Scripture warns us not to be jealous and all those other things the Kathy let me let me back up one bit before we move forward and you often times in the Christian community look at some of the sciences, particularly psychology and rely some of it sounds like psychobabble, you know, and we get that and with that psychobabble we would agree but so often the sciences are actually buttressing the Scripture.

That's what's exciting for me is that it doesn't make it inconsistent what I see is consistency, but speak to that issue where you know for back in our college psychology classes, a rethinking of Maslow are some of the other that Freud and those kinds of things there elements that are probably accurate in what they had to say again from a Christian perspective were revealing were finding these things out as to how God is wired.

The human brain right absolutely. When I was a professor.

I used to teach those secular views if you well and they were so incomplete. Like I would teach them and I would have to teach them. They were the textbooks if you will and and yet I knew that there something wrong here and sometimes they had to order wrong. They put identity first know you have to have security first. That's why been a believer changes everything, because then you have a security that's rooted in someone you can totally trust in all circumstances. So I think it's often incomplete versus complete and often the secular model.

The psychology might be very self-sufficient and this is where back in my day. I was teaching I think and whoa, this makes me really nervous and to God be the glory. He said Kathy open my word right and it changed everything for me and allowed me to take some very good research and add if you will the biblical truth to it and examine it from God's perspective and then when he revealed to a group of us that were created by God with these needs.

So he has to be the one to fill them.

Yes, that's it. I love that simple premise were created in gods image how you start any vocation. From that perspective. I don't care if you're the electrician the plumber or the PhD in physics, trying to discover his secrets. When you start with the idea that were made in his image. It changes how you approach life. It does, and he is security and he has security. He is identity and he has identity.

His name is I am. He is belonging, the triune God. He has belonging right he has purpose. He is purpose he has competencies very good at being God and he can be our competence absolutely that he fulfills it all absolute and that's more that's the appeal. If you don't know the Lord call us we'd love to talk to Maude about why we believe it is not insane to believe a creator of the universe created you and him then and I also want to encourage all of us to be discipled in the ways of God.

I regret is I say in my book, Holland. I knew God and plateaued there. This happy. I'm a believer not understanding how much born of God.

I needed to lean into for the completeness that he would bring to my life. The changes everything. Let's get into number three, the third need that you've identified as belonging as you said a moment ago, the question who wants me. I'm sure most people understand the value of relationships and community. I think there's a resurgence of reawakening of that. But what do you say to the person who communicates justly me alone will vary and dependent pioneer spirit we get that a lot out in the West here in the United States, but they leave me alone attitude. What if that's a false security. And I wonder if they've taken that to the extreme as their identity and I'm a loner and I'm capable and I don't need anybody. We were created for community, you cannot deny that we were created were better off with accountability, with responsibility, with the joy that comes from serving others. We were created to leave the world a better place.

In Ephesians 210 declares that we should walk in the gifts that we have.

That means that we serve with them that we look for opportunities to be a blessing to others and I think that I am independent and you know what that had three knee surgeries. The first knee surgery was God's gift to me because I had to learn to ask for help and it changed me radically I could not go to the grocery store, for Pete's sake, and I had to decide, okay shoot I guess I'm weak and I need help know I wasn't weak I had knee surgery might have been what I had knee surgery and you help me and then I thought of the course of my two friends were so we are creative relationship. It really does matter. We leave the world a better place. When we leave a bit of ourselves with others. Right Catholic masses maybe selfishly because I'm a man, is that oftentimes men are labeled as the loners you hear about that. You know were not. I guess some would say we may were not wired for community. I don't think that's true, but I think a lot of men fall back on that excuse that you know we don't have a lot of friends typically just in the general stereotype we may have one good friend but I did. I think the stats are pretty dismal that 67% of men say they really don't have a close friend why do we have more that independent isolated attitude with males.

It's a fair question.

You know, God makes us differently. I think I did there women who don't need as many friends as some women I think it has to do with introverted extroverted weather were self smarter people smart and knows all temperament and wiring temperament wiring cells my people think deeply inside of themselves and don't have as much of the need to share with others men to have as many feelings as women have men don't have emotional vocabulary. Women do we have a thesaurus for emotion and so it's harder for men to whether with another matter with the women even a spouse wife.

It's harder to declare how I'm feeling and that can mean that you make me feel like I've isolated you know what Jim we all need community because God created us for relationship. We know that relationship with him so that we would want relationship with others. If I can put it that way. So I think there are men who crave more and need to respond to that if your identity is an lonely if your identity is. I don't feel known if your identity is those kinds of things then recognize that and look to repair right and what's the rest of you, are you creative, outgoing, a quick thinker mathematical July golf. What's the rest of your identity and then you find your belonging in people who have something in common with you so I wonder if that lack of belonging is sometimes rooted in an incomplete or unhealthy identity yet and I think it's more than the issue of being comfortable being alone, being without that relationship that were quite content is men say okay that's just who I am and we don't really hunger for the relationships that actually make us better right writing that iron sharpening iron or anything is written about Crawford's grave. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and featuring one of our most popular broadcasts this past year with Dr. Kathy Cook.

She's written really a landmark book called five to thrive. How to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not, you can order that book and learn more about our entire collection of best of 2020 broadcasts just call 800 K in the word family or check the episode notes for more Dr. Kathy, I'm thinking about social media and you know some people are fulfilled. There they chatter all day long and I spend way too much time in that medium. Others are super lonely, even though they're in there.

I mean the loneliness index, I think, is that With the last 2030 years is as high as it's ever been.

Right now, yet were still like really connected through social media. What it says to me is this is not a real connection.

This isn't the way God wired us for connection to provide a tweet.

He wants us to have interaction there something biochemically that happens to us when were actually communicating eyeballed eyeball tearing each other, embracing each other that kind of thing speak to the loneliness, when we try to answer the question who wants me in the social media context were the answer is nobody well stated you. I'm all over social media. There's nothing inherently horrible in it. Unless I'm trying to meet my need for belonging their right. Anita got a note that's not the reason right out there know the need for belonging is legitimate and it's going to be met with true accountability, responsibility, intimacy, knowing each other.

I'm sharing values, sharing ideas, I'm hanging out iron sharpening iron in this love that verse. Social media is an add-on to that and I think one of the reasons that it can create a loneliness as we can fake it to make it there and so we flip our identity in different groups. We Flipper identity when were posted about different things we see and consistency in people there deftly trying to fit in and figure it out and it breaks you because you can't be all things to all people in that way, nor should you try to be, if that makes sense it does.

I'm thinking you know my kids have friends, I'm interacting with teens, my heart breaks for them absolute and I'm thinking of this specific question of who wants me this summer desperately asking that question and I guess for the parents, particularly of that team that they're worried about that. He's not her. She's not connecting and she struggling with the answer to the question is, are not looking for in their relationship with their parents they can take that one for grandma course you want me or my mom and dad and nobody else wants me and they go into their bedroom and they are lost. Speak to both parts of that equation, the parents who are trying to help, and then the loneliness of the teenagers heart to ask easy questions to you I actually be kids tell me all the time. Teens tell me that's Kathy my parents love me. They have to they don't have a choice how much they liked me, who I was.

They liked me okay let's press on that I got it at me for no apparent what does that have to really like your kid again in language that they get they receive absolutely no they I don't think that in mind that I'm in my bedroom because it gives them the space to do their thing. You know dad never takes me on errands anymore.

I mentioned some children tell me that they don't like that the mom has groceries delivered because they don't get to go on the grocery run with my car and talk in the car and I'm if I'm a busy Malik. I think grocery delivery must be amazing for those moms that I think for the child's perspective they miss out of those opportunities is hang out together and have just unique conversations about what's going on in life.

So the board game and the hike in the woods, and that no basketball free throws mean good old-fashioned in the play and hanging out and I think we said our son, and I need to in the living room is called the living room. Let's live in him and not a TV so let's hang out and let's use the web and research together and lets you discover some groups on social media that we can both be in because were we like state parks and there's a really cool Colorado state park group or whatever so it's not you know to ban them from using it, but it's too baby, rambling but teach them how to use it while at the same time that you say no. I want you. You are my son you are my daughter. I miss you. Let's have a conversation and I think after this before, but there is a time when one of my kids was about 17, and distant on given the words, but their fallen off and then there's no engagement in God just told me you are the parent you got to go pursue this child. You have to reach out. You have to be the one that initiates don't let them define the terms of the relationship and I'm glad that he spoke back to me because I really needed to hear that incoming get the momentum going.

You let me add that kids like to talk in the dark and we talked about this on the silver horse like to talk is a garden because they don't want to see our faces when they know that they're going to disappoint us the love talking in the car when the running errands do not hesitate and there are captured in the eye contact is an is essential or even possible.

So we do need to press and we need to say no. I value you and I want you with me at the same time if I could say this, we need to make sure that parents don't try to get their need for belonging met in their children while that's exciting and unhealthy. So men and women need other men and women to hang out with and to know that and then the child is the bonus if you will now that's really good at Kathy.

I was intrigued by your chapter on purpose, removing from the who wants me to the why am I alive is a great question and boy you answered differently from 15 to 20 to 25. Hopefully by about 25 you're figuring this out and hopefully in the Christian context the why am I alive what purpose that you address the problem of negativity in today's culture. We've hit on that and you quoted someone that you observed you said this this generation doesn't have anything to live for, because they don't believe anything is worth dying for, and that is a powerful statement in why that observation. Why is it true you know passion. Passion motivates us to get up in the morning. Passion motivates us to pursue truth. Passion motivates us to to learn something, so that we can again contribute back to that belonging component which precedes purpose. If you will yeah absolutely so the inaccurate identity the inconsistencies the trying to be all things to all people that just the messy messages that they're hearing the lies that the lack of truth is so confusing to them and what is worth dying for.

I mean, that's an interesting concept, and it's not something we want anybody to do great but you know you look at the founding fathers.

They laid it on the line.

Ray wanted freedom. They wanted freedom of the religious expression they wanted to be free from the monarchy. They didn't feel they should be paying taxes to them, etc. they obviously felt. Those are things worth dying for. Today, so what are our values and what are we raising children and teens to believe matters Ray Christ evangelism and discipleship rescuing the disenfranchised, you know, what is it what is our purpose why my life will live to serve relied to glorify God through who we are and not just what we do, which is why character is so important will live to leave the world a better place to the gifts that we've been given which were not going to do if we keep lusted after somebody else's gifts now were not we reject ourselves because were not as good as or no, it's not about competition. You were created for such a time as this.

With this identity. Your chatty Kathy.

Whatever you don't believe that, to the glory of God.

So do we help our people understand who they are, who they been called to serve so that they will want to wake up every day and do it and that is good. I mean Ed to me this is one of the core things that you need your teenagers to really think about and to try to enter these dialogues about why you're created what is your purpose in a very thoughtful way, not in a demeaning way and is my wife Jane would say to me.

Jim don't answer the question when you ask what your purpose, but can I give you a few ideas. Yeah that is a bad habit I got you know and and it's not so good that I feel I tell young people in it like this and undoubtably care but I tell young people that your purposes for some obedience because that glorifies God and learning all that you can in all the ways that you can again to the glory of God. I would say that if the believers so for children and teens childhood causes a double child leads to something you're not. You're still a child reveled in that and allow yourself to be a child whose learning and dreaming of the tomatoes and then we as the mature adults provide direction where the compass that points to north and we say I've noticed this about you. I wonder if you might want to pursue this as a hobby we live. Notice that you ask questions about whether you know the weatherman. Let's invite them over for lunch was for church.

Let's have a conversation and find out what his background is his kids are confused and there when it's not all about career.

It's about relationship is what is to be a good person, a righteous Christ follower and will it be a good wife or husband of marriages in my future will it be a good mom and dad mad about this career, although that's of course a big passion of the parents to launch them into something right. Okay Kathy would gotta get the number five right here at the end competence that the competence factor. This can make people feel little uncomfortable because you know, especially in Christian circles. If you feel really gifted at something, mathematics, science, whatever it might be some time shifted downplaying our ability because it's more humble I guess.

First of all talk about competence in that context, what is arrogance and what is competence and I guess maybe that's the question wow will competence is been able to do what I've been called to do, which is why it follows purpose. If I know why I was created by my life that I will be motivated to discover the competence that allows me to be successful. And if I find out that I have a particular competence of creative writing, or mathematical brilliance or debating, without anger, then that competence can back up to discovering a purpose in a way that I could serve in the community or in the church or even within my family right of vocational or have always your role right so competence is an ability to do what I've been called to do. Your arrogance is thinking that my ability is more important than yours and that I have more of its know there's no place for that. I get that the culture screams that social media screams of that is one of the reasons that were never content because you can always see somebody else who has something more that we think we need we don't need what they have. We need our competence given to us by God. He is our competency teaches that and yeah, absolutely. I could go on and I know that is so good and in working to touch on this one lightly. But people need to get the book let me in with this when there were again in that context of being content and who God is created in you there things about yourself in the pass he didn't like your height your clumsiness. We talked a bit about that yesterday, but today Sema strengths. These are things that can work for you. Describe what they are beyond you know those things and how they turned into your strengths. You will let me share this on spelling doesn't come naturally to me and I'm thinking that logics want to want the rules to work. I you know the C gets in the way we really don't need it. The silent K. How ridiculous is that so, but I'm an author of six books and I haven't earned a PhD in reading you lead with your strengths. The one of the most important things what competence is having yet know the challenge that you don't hurt yourself or others with it and surround yourself with help, so members of my staff proofread my work and I travel with the misspellings dictionary so I can find the word the way I think it should be spelled and it'll tell me how to spell it.

So competence isn't perfection. That's a lie from the devil. Competence is an ability that you need and you always lead with your strengths and you make sure that the weaknesses don't get in the way I think that's what I want people to hear Kathy this has been a rich conversation. That's give me and so many of the listeners a lot to think about things to pray about to frankly and as I so appreciate your passion and heart to help people live godly and healthy lives the way we were designed to do it and that's my love. It's that illumination of how this all fits together the way were wired. The way we behave as things that shape us. Thank you for this great book 5 to thrive.

How to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not in the good thing is here everybody, this is all rooted in your relationship with Christ. And it's not that psychobabble that we talk about, but it's understanding the wiring that's their scientist can see the thin rafting that ideas that were made in God's image around that's my love. Thank you for us to have a conversation that is deep and you know very helpful to everybody, including ourselves and those around us. You're very welcome. It's truly a joy to participate with you at focus will encourage you to get your copy of this wonderful book from Dr. Kathy Cook five to thrive. How to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not. And we've only really touched on the highlights from that book, and Dr. Cook has a lot of in-depth content in it for you and your family. So make sure you get a copy to help really grow in your walk with the Lord our numbers 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or check the episode notes for more intercourse when you consider a gift of any amount Focus on the Family will get the book out to you.

That's our way of saying thanks for helping us save more marriages equip more parents to raise godly kids and rescue more pre-born babies from abortion are numbers 880 family or you can donate to get that book click the link in the episode notes and have a great weekend with your family and your church family as well and then plan to join us on Monday when we have an inspirational message from Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty Jesus had this amazing way, given simple stories, the greatest leader of all time teaching limited human beings single-season acetylene.

Ultimately, he had to be sacrificed.

Well guess what that was a lesson on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ find fun for your kids. Just a click away the adventures in Odyssey club 8 to 12-year-old find trusted faith building entertainment in a safe online club features almost every episode ever plus special monthly club only episodes in content and Focus on the Family clubhouse magazine subscription. Sign up today.

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