Are Your Five Core Needs Being Met? (Part 1 of 2)

Rather than getting a gift of cash this Christmas. Friends of focus can give us Mark again. You can choose to give a gift of stock that has appreciated over the last year you get a tax deduction for the fair market value avoid tax on the appreciation of the stock and turn that savings into a gift or family. For more information on non-cash giving visit focus non-cash gifts.com that's focus non-cash gift.com I think my coordinators an introvert is to get some alone time with the book a nice cup of coffee. I need every day to do some kind of physical activity and exercise and greatest need in my life is sleep. I would say one of my core needs.

In addition to coffee is just medication. Having an autoimmune disease, I would literally be dead if this technology didn't exist. One of my greatest core needs of my marriage just like, well, how about you what, if any of those comments resonate with. Or maybe you're looking for something different today were returning to one of our best of Focus on the Family broadcasts this past year.

Dr. Kathy Cook. She wants to help you better understand your core needs and how you can get those met in healthy ways your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and on John John the conversation we had with Kathy so insightful and it encouraged so many of our listeners and you know we tend to be needy people were looking for stuff like happiness, success, popularity, recognition, and most importantly, who doesn't want to be loved. That's probably at the core. But the fascinating thing as we hear today is that God designed us to be needy.

He made us this way so we can get fulfillment from him and other people. So if you miss this program the first time around. I think you'll really be challenged by what Kathy had Sharon and Dr. Kathy Cook is a very popular author and speaker and an educational psychologist.

She is the founder and president of celebrate kids and she's written a number of books, the one organ hear more about today is called five to thrive. How to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not. We have copies of that.

Just check the episode notes for details.

And now, here's Jim. How you begin the conversation with Dr. For this best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family. One of things that as I was listening to John. I'm sure someone or many are saying meeting our core needs that doesn't even some Christian cousins about selflessness, so will talk first off just about the tug-of-war is, is it selfish for us to identify these coordinates and say that they need to be met. It's not one to understand what the core needs are okay good I just want to put people at ease that may have had that initial reaction. That's a great comment like a doughnut is not a corny doughnut is a Y right now are disagreement and focus on the family life away from the doctors listening. I know doughnuts are not good for you. Okay, so don't email me about it is a lot passions pretty good you and happiness is a wants right so I think if people confuse needs with wants that it may feel inappropriate and it may feel self-centered and selfish and not biblical. But these core needs are absolutely created in us by God.

Okay, working to get to these for the listener to unfold. These but right at the beginning here. Let's ask that question. Why is the idea of meeting these coordinates so important emptiness right to be filled and without the Jews were core again without a solid foundation without a completeness, then were always lacking and looking for more. Yeah, almost in an aggressive kind of I'm dissatisfied. I can't ever be content kind of way" for believers. There must be a place where we land and we believe in contentment rises there yeah I like that and I think so often like with marriage experts.

I'm talking to when you look at the person who's had an affair. I've often asked okay what is going on there because it seems superficial. The act of that. So what's really the pole to jettison everything that you have with your spouse and then reach for something that's like the forbidden fruit and then what's the outcome of that there's other stuff at play.

It's just not the gratification of a physical act correct.

Absolutely I would advocate for the reality that there is an unmet need that that person needed Matt and saw what I would call a counterfeit way to get it Matt that he or she thought would be satisfied and then when it's ultimately not satisfying after period of time, then you go for another. Yes, the next best if you will, drug, and then say you know that is a good example that is eye-popping, but you can apply this almost in every area of your life. Whatever you're filling that core need with that isn't healthy isn't godly right absolutely yeah let me let me first for the listener again. Can you just name the five so they can get an idea in their head.

What you're talking about yet love to come out to find them with the question that goes along with the core needs a little dig into them. Great security who can I trust identity.

Who am I belonging who wants me purpose. Why am I alive competence.

What do I do well yeah and those of the five so let's unpack it. Explain why believe God created us with these holes that we have these needs in the first place.

Why do those holes exist and what they look like you know we were created to be in relationship with God through faith in Christ right you created us to worship him to know him to make him known to want more of him.

I'm he is the solution that were looking for he created us to have the need to so we would find him and until we find him and really commit and become Christ followers in a very real way were going to be lacking, and I've great hope that those who don't yet know Christ will find him as their driven into more of a completeness and they find out that you know things will satisfy security, but people well and people disappoint, but God doesn't know they may feel God does that.

They don't know him well enough yet to understand all of that and that's why you do what you do so well here at focus is to keep driving people to the reality that it is of God, you are the answer is absolutely. That's true for everybody to buy the way the Christians are not unique. That way when you look at the pain in the world of brokenness and name the identity group, whatever might be my observation is the thing there lacking most is a connection to God and so many things fall into place when you know who you are right in Christ exactly yeah I remember you not love your reaction to this speaking to really popular gifts we had here, Rosario Butterfield, who is a former lesbian women studies, queer studies at Syracuse University. Something she said is a PhD in American literature.

It changed the way I see humanity as it was that powerful when she said in that kind of American literature contact. She said when the pastor and his wife invited me over for dinner and they spent 2 1/2 years ministering to her in fellowship and hospitality. Having her over for dinner and talking through the Scriptures in and I think it was two and half year. She then committed to Christ, but she said what I realized as I was living by my verb lesbian not my noun made in his image is not beautiful and that's kind of what you're saying here that were often buying the lied.

The verb of who we see ourselves and we don't realize who we are our identity is the noun made in his image right absolutely and when we know that in the knowing of our knowing it affects our security identity. I belonging our purpose and our competence in today for our children, teens and adults of all ages. There's so many voices and so many mixed messages that it becomes I think much more difficult to land on truth, but we have to know for the person listening and we have a number of nonbelievers who listen to focus their interning and I'm sure for good marriage and parenting advice.

This is the place to start his relationship with Christ and we can't do much to help you if you don't consider who he is and what he claim so let me invite you to think about that if you don't know the Lord as we carry through this conversation up.

Kathy, you and I talked a lot, and you've been here several times and you share a story about a growing up in some of the problems because you're tall and you are self-described as clumsy as a little girl who actually was a big girl speak to that pain of that and what how that help shape some your attitudes and in your own hurts. I really appreciate that and it was my own pain is actually really like that phrase and it might feel very insignificant to other people listening with really significant issues so we don't want to downplay that.

But we all do have our brokenness in our pain and are whatever. So I was six years old. I was too tall. I stood out in a crowded and fit in the desk. I tripped over things that weren't there and I praise God that I had a mom available to me who I knew intuitively I could trust with my heart. As I said to her after school one day mommy I don't want to be tall anymore and Jim, I'm so grateful that she didn't say will get over you going to be tall right this is a good word of knowledge for all of us. How did she respond, you know, hugs, I'm sure affirmation affirmation. She felt my pain and that's security that your pain is safe right with someone and they're not going to dismiss and judge and say that you're foolish in the way that my mom responded was that she told her husband, my dad, we have a daughter with the perceived problem that can't be changed. She's going to be tall. What can we do to help her they were solution focused parents and this is what everyone needs and I want to say if I go further in the story that it's never too late. Know someone's listening wishing they would've had a mom available. It's never too late to find someone who will hear your heart cry that can feel awkward, though, if I could be that honest is your standing in line getting a coffee sink tonight share my heart with you right. I wouldn't have it. How you go about finding that kind of friendship where you can be vulnerable.

Be who you are and trust that it's okay yeah part of that security.

When the skills I teach in the book is discernment of how do I know who is responsible and dependable, and the truth talker wisdom Walker on my side like you know how to be know that that comes through experience. How do we decide to give a second chance to versus how do we decide that that person's really awful this for a while because I'm done being hurt by that you know but to finish the story. Jim and John, my mom and dad enrolled me a tap dance class and Bella and I went from being, you know, really too tall to be in the center of the back row, a position that I decided with high ionic is only the tallest girl was allowed to be there and I became port needed and I had belonging their didn't tease me for my height, my identity was I'm a dancer. My security I can trust my mom and I can trust myself because I'm no longer clumsy and I feel safe inside my own skin. I had purpose to become a dancer competence.

I'm a dancer that one decision for me to cry out in my mom and dad to be solution focused changed everything for me at the age of six and now as a public speaker.

I honestly believe if I would've lived long uncomfortable with my body image would I want to stand before thousands of people a month while I wonder if the people listening now who recognize that there's an unmet need. Because of that pain that they weren't able to share and they've walks wounded now into adulthood trying to still meet that need, and probably can't be met in a way that they desire because I can't go back to being seven or 10 or 14 and not making the basketball team. So what we can do today is help them understand that's a legitimate hole. That's legitimate pain, right, it's yours and when I could tease you for it and we got some solutions.

That's not so true. I hope this is connecting with folks. Let's move into more the content.

When you teach people about core needs those five. The identified security identity, belonging, purpose, competence. You have a motto you say. Live long and be strong which were kind of talking about what you mean by that statement. So it's clear, yeah, thanks for bringing that out. You know, again, when were children and teens and young adults. We can really feel broken and we can wonder why am I tall or wide. Like another example would be that I was a chatty Kathy is a child and because was raised well I didn't get into a lot of trouble talking but all three of us here are chatting to you is if you learn, and I bet you agree with me that we can gossip well and tease well. As if we don't have righteousness as our goal and you know the security of glorifying God and the purpose of that of course we would be dangerous.

So as a chatty Kathy is a kid and now you paid to talk. It's not about the money it's about that's up to the guys given me a platform of influence and impact I was accused of having diary of the mountain and I was a kid I negative and yet you did it wounded made it a point now and so that was God's design for you because Ephesians 210 declares that he will give you good gifts in advance. We would walk in them. And if we would've had appearance that would've said quite quite shot up, would you go find something to do.

We would not be on the radio together today so far, you know that people who supported who we were and so one of my passions guys is that would help children understand the child comes before adulthood and that we as adults who minister hope and healing to children with we do, that is, teachers, pastors, friends, ants parents when parents that we would see in them a gift and help them find the boundaries and the blessings that would allow it to become the way that they glorify God. Yet, in fact, Kathy. The point of this for me for Focus on the Family is the family is where these things should be remedied.

These holes that you possess should be lovingly overcome. That's a healthy thing.

They were presenting one of our best of 2020 broadcasts your own Focus on the Family featuring Dr. Kathy Cook and her books, five to thrive.

Got details about the book and our entire collection of best of broadcasts. The links in the notes go ahead and continue now this best of presentation featuring Dr. Kathy Cook, Kathy application just kind of a practical application in this regard.

You have a story about your niece Betsy that illustrates how this core needs model can help us diagnose and even solve problems we may be facing what happened with Betsy.

Yeah, my oldest niece is my brother Dave and dad they're just great parents and Betsy's oldest of three kids and Betsy was going through a challenging time. She was suddenly disobedient, suddenly disrespectful, becoming independent, like almost overnight and wanting to reject mom and dad's input. My brother took a new job is traveling in bed when she was so she was maybe 14 is began on a normal right at out exactly what it's come on exactly and yet again my parent there, but her parents, my brother. Praise God were solution focused right and they weren't gonna let it ride. This is not Betsy.

They knew that this is not Betsy and this is not who we want her to become so they wanted to add again more boundaries and say to her this is wrong and were gonna put in some constraint and I Dave and Deb relocated to Philadelphia suburb and Betsy had a new school, new classmates, new activities developed a relationship with the young man who, to ended up being good for her. And in that shift we saw was security identity, belonging, purpose, and competence all changed because David that were able to relocate and get her away from a peer group that ended up being the problem. The Senate will reset exactly exactly the issue for Betsy was aligning herself with a girl who ended up not being a good role model for her and not be able to extricate herself from that right. It's one of the hardest things kids do is try to dismiss a friend that they've God.

How do I get rid of her without hurting her, and it was so true, so I think again to identify okay this is not normal what my husband or wife or aging parent or child or myself.

This is normal. This isn't me what's driving this for Betsy. It was a need to belong. She was looking for a relationship that she thought was going to make her popular which would become her identity and her security so accents know yeah and so fortunately Deb and Dave saw that distanced her from that girl did not allow her to see her anymore outside of school hours and then praise God were to the relocation made it all a whole lot easier. That's those are painful decisions, they have to do that if we can begin to see our own struggles through this grid of these five I think it changes everything in my life. Let's dig into each one that we kinda cover that a high level you've given us a couple of examples would spend the rest of today and then will come back tomorrow and continue to do that.

But let's go back to security give us of that definition again and then I'm in a dig into it on security okay security is defined by the question.

Who can I trust we cannot place her security and things because they will fade away income popularity. The job at this place, my grades, my beauty, it's dangerous. It's very common today to try to find her security in those things. But it's not going to work security cells found in people so security is number one. Obviously from a Christian perspective, we find that in Christ through Scripture.

Jesus is the right answer here for the night was that is no answer. That's the Sunday school, but it's hard to get that in your heart I mean I meet a lot of Christians fret, yet always perplexed by that word says you know don't trust in your circumstances.

But trust in the Lord and we struggle with that as human beings.

It's not a natural thing to say when the winds blowing in the ship sinking to go uncle I'm fine because God's in control is very not human to be like you because we think the securities in ourselves correct that we can say that we show ourselves and that we can figure this out, and John. Let me elaborate on what you said you I love that the Christ is the right answer what I believe is that it's the triune God, and I think one of the things that we've done badly in some of our churches in some of our family dynamics if you will does not recognize all of God. I can trust God because he chose to create me when he didn't have to.

But he wanted to get so much love to share and chose to share it with me and I was putting in his image. I can trust Jesus because he went to the cross on my behalf. How much more would he be willing to do show that's it and I can trust the Holy Spirit because the Scripture declares that he is a comforter, a constant companion, a convict or a friend and the one that will teach us to unpack the Scripture so it's the whole of God that I can trust good. I like that, let's quickly go to the second of the five okay which is identity defined that force and explain why you believe so many people experiencing an identity crisis today. I think of all the five culturally. This is the one were so inept about right and I'll say I agree the identity crisis is huge and I went back up and said I think is because security is messed up right. That's a lot of people say that. Oh, it's an identity crisis and it is it's a crisis of identity because we are lacking in security that no security should be in the triune God in people who are trustworthy and in ourselves at the right level, so even that it's symptomatic of the security issue, but it manifests in a lack of understanding identity absolutely beautifully stated so identity is who am I not who was I not who I want to be. Although there's a point for thinking to the future, it's who am I and is it is to be current. It needs to be honest, it needs to be complete should not live to ourselves. We should not allow others to lie about themselves. If we hear that happen, we need to correct that. So yeah, it's huge. It's who made and it's rooted in character. Yeah, and then skills and abilities, and other kinds of things In that regard in you being a parent of a teen boy and you know again just generally speaking about this on the one hand you know. Hope you're doing well. You're so great you're awesome. I love you and it sometimes seems to just hit the wall and fall like they don't believe it and you want to because you mean it, but it's almost like how you get from simply stating it phrasing it to where they can accept it, they can hear it they can believe it. Part of it is our specific language. You're awesome because giving it more content. Absolutely you. I appreciate how creative you've become. I never could have created that kind of arts I really admire your talent and I appreciate how patient you were as you taught your brother that new game you honored him so specificity and resolutely that has its believable right you know if I said you guys are great at this example think so much, but if I say you're great because it's hard if you did I what I'm saying to you, so take more effort for the mom and dad writing this post exactly what I was thinking absolutely. We have to observe longer listen with greater intent and back it up with what I got because statements I love the phrase I know because your artistic.

I know because I'm capable of this. I know because this what you did last week I've seen you study, go for it. Not as you've identified in this is a good place to land. You've identified several Bible verses that help us see our identity from God's perspective and so often I think I'm beginning my age to begin to understand, resonate, it's hard to believe some of these things that God would see us this way and what I mean by that is hard for us to accept that God loves us so deeply because we don't love ourselves that much right right so what of those verses give us a couple, you know, there is almost 100 I am and I have statements in the New Testament, I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am loved and put an image of God, a holy nation, a royal priesthood, I'm holy and without blame before him.

Am accepted in Christ.

I am forgiven. I am sealed I am gifted.

Ephesians 210. We've got to help people understand that God says we are is way more important than who we think we are or what the culture says we are. This is why we have to be in the word of God the things I tell appearances you know teach the word of God to your children declare the word of God over them prayed over them. You know what guys wouldn't it be amazing if the last thing we said our children at night was something I would say if you were there with an audible voice and what if we woke them up and said something to them that God would declare to them, if you are speaking because it's God's word, that is life to us and you know what Tim it's a choice to believe I know I'm an imperfect person in their days I struggle there days when I don't like certain things or whatever and that's okay to own maddened walk-through that in question. Okay Kathy, where's the lie wife. I got sucked into this competitive mentality and yada yada. Whatever, and come back to the word and I'll say that lightly. It's a choice, and again that's the identity rooted in security of how God sees us something that's so good these to tie together so beautifully. Do you picture the double-sided arrow if you will, between the two, and it does become a problem-solving tool when we begin to question why are kids behaving this way. While I know why have I become competitive. That's a security issue is popularity all of a sudden important to me. It's gonna go there one letter at the end because tender here. This is been so fascinating, so good and we just started. We got more than cover three more of these core needs of people have. Let's come back next time do that right behind her to think you and that's how we concluded this first part of the best of 2020 conversation with Dr. Kathy Cook exploring her book. Five. To thrive, how to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not. And we do hope you make plans to join us for part two. Next time I really enjoyed the conversation with Kathy she so wise in encouraging and I'm sure many of the listeners have been challenged by what she shared today and I'm reminded of a comment we got from one man who said something profound.

After this program aired earlier this year. He said I driver walk-through cemeteries and think of all those people who have struggled with things like us today so many dreams, goals, unfinished business and talents not utilized, perhaps out of fear or inadequacy. Perhaps we don't often live the life that God is called us to live while think about that, John. The fact is God's got a plan for each of our lives, and he created us with unique needs that only he can fill. So lean into him today.

That's the bottom line message we want you to hear. And if you feel as though you're still chasing after some of those needs like Kathy talked about and you really don't feel secure or you know what God created you to be. We encourage you to contact us here at Focus on the Family we have a team of caring Christian counselors who would love to talk with you and pray with you about whatever issues you may be facing our number is 800 232-645-9800 the letter a in the word family or go to the episode notes to learn more and then follow up by getting Kathy's book 5 to thrive.

This is something you really need as a tool to do better.

We can put a copy in your hands when you send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family and remember were counting on your financial partnership with us to build stronger, healthier families in 2021 working together we can give more families hope in the coming year. Yet, this is a listener supported ministries of donate today and request your copy of Kathy's book 5 to thrive. Again, our number 880 family or click that link in the episode on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks so much for joining us today for this best edition of our broadcast, I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we continue the conversation with Dr. Kathy Cook and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

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