Combating the Lies That Can Destroy Your Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

This is not about you being less than this is about you being only who you were created to be spread your wings and sure a great marriage is always one that has room for us to grow into the fullness of who we were created to be and bring all of our gifts to the table that Bob, Paul, and he joins us today on this best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly Dr. Greg Smalley.

Thanks for joining us I'm John from John. I am so pleased to have Bob break back with us today and if you missed the discussion last time. I think you gotta get the download the app for your smart phone callers will tell you what to do to the listen in, but it was good stuff.

And these two men had put together. I think a powerful treatise on the issue of marriage and you both of them work with couples Bob courses leading the team and hope are stored which is our four day intensive program and he sees a lot of stuff. He runs the clinicians that's his job and he gets to really peer into those counseling sessions and see what's happening with folks, and he's brought all that was the month Greg into this great book 9 lies that will destroy your marriage. But the wonderful news is there's truths that will save your marriage and that's were working to cover today and I will encourage you to call us for a copy of that great book are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or check the episode notes for the link. As you said Jim Bob directs our hope restored marriage intent.

Since we have three locations in more details. Of course online. A Greg heads up our marriage team here, focus, and has been here almost 10 years, Bob and Greg welcome back to focus. Thank you. It's good to be with you always good to hear that the good to have your honestly and and I'm so appreciative of the work that you do to strengthen marriages through the efforts or focus you guys both you kind of that the kingpins of that effort, and I'm grateful to both of you.

So thank you. I mean hundreds if not thousands of couples have been save their marriages save does the work you've done in the Holy Spirit working through you. So I can't now say thank you enough for that sacrifice and what you do for this ministry and for the Lord. More importantly, so it is great. Let's pick up with a little recap from last time we covered. I think four of the lies that one shtick to each and Greg will start with you. Yeah. So the first lie we talked about last time is all about The Pursuit of Happyness.

So the lie is that the goal the end in mind for marriage is the feel happy like watch any program to where you see parents saying he knew what I really want for my kids for them to be happy. Fill in the blank happening and it drives me crazy and I think that's a part of where we buy into this lie went when I hear that I scream out to my kids know I do not want you to be happy. I want you guys to grow in.

That's a big part of what were trying to help couples to do is to move away from The Pursuit of Happyness to more the pursuit of of growing well-founded contentment right that's a great goal. The content in all things right was number two. So the number two you see this and a lot of weddings. The unity candle catalyst you like the center and then you blow out the individuals and the problem is is what that means to couples is that the focus now is on the marriage.

The two individuals have been blown out. They don't really matter that much in the reality is that all three have to matter, there's me, there's my wife, Aaron, and there's our marriage and we have to invest a lot of time and effort and energy into all three of us in the third one is we call it.

All you need is love and in some respects that's really true.

As with all the lies there's kernels of truth in each of them. Where we see people really struggling is either going toward thinking that love is magical and mystical in the chemistry has to be there and if it leaves your son or that is just about a hard-core decision. I'm going to just decide to do loving things and hope feelings follow and what were saying were the problem is is that love actually comes from God. We do not manufacture it, and it's really about "being open and available to his love coming in us and through us and then the last one was about sacrificing and the lie is not that we are to sacrifice for marriage.

We are but not sacrifice who we are because we were created on purpose with purpose.

God created us intentional with great ends in mind for us and the contribution we can make to his kingdom and we are to sacrifice by giving and investing what we have of value generously into our spouse. And that's a good recap. And again, if you're hearing something or wait a minute, wait a minute, listen to the program from yesterday and that'll be more defined when it comes to the unity of marriage, etc. and I think what's really good for both Greg and Bob there, getting us to think about these traditions that we share in the and how rooted is that in Scripture. And that's a good thing to two let's move on codependency. I want to definition of that and then lied number five is you must meet each other's needs.

Now, generally, that seems pretty reasonable, but maybe not every need. That would be the issue but talk about codependency. What's the definition of that and then how does line number five apply codependency really as we look at it now I know we throw around that term and I'm known for speaking a lot of psychobabble based on my profession and us when we technically see our spouse as the source that they are the source of what we need and when I looked to Jenny my wife of almost 40 years to be the source of my fulfillment. The source of my satisfaction. I'm putting a responsibility and a burden on her that is not meant for her that God truly is my source, not Jenny, and God is in God that I'm supposed to find the fulfillment of my being, not in Jenny can Jenny contribute absolutely.

Can I contribute to Jenny yes but I don't want Jenny to be responsible. Actually I found. Now, after all these years working with couples that virtually all marriage issues are result of misplaced responsibilities either taking too much responsibility for things that are not mine to be responsible for or not taking adequate responsibility for that which is my responsibility and what we want to encourage people to do is be full functioning adults God created me as a grown man, not when I was a child as a grown man fully responsible for the care and well-being of this temple.

His temple entrusted to my care physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. And when I looked to Jenny. I was a soul, a card-carrying codependent and again I hope this is registering with you especially if you're struggling in your marriage. It doesn't need to be that way in the great news is, and I'm proud of this. If you hear me say it often, it's because I mean it 80% post to your success rate hope restored. It's an awesome thing and just to do a little break from the content. Let me ask you guys when and Bob. This is directed to you.

Your directing the counselors there.

The couples that come in and a lot of them are really at the end of the rope. This is it. They decided to say okay will do hope restored and if it doesn't work or get a divorce. What is the secret that is going on when those couples who would not hold hands on day one are holding hands on day four. What is actually transferring their relationship. What you see most often it's a great question and it's really not one thing, let me tell you what the core of it is there's one question that we ask all the couples that they must answer yes to for us to be willing to work with them. The question is if God was to work a miracle in your marriage would you accept it and the reason that our program works is because we realize that as good as my team is and I've got some unbelievably skilled therapists on the team that God has blessed us with. But none of us are miracle worker. We know who the miracle worker is and the key for us is to help couples see the obstacles that often they have inadvertently placed between themselves and the Lord and when they identify them.

What were able to do if they choose is to help move those obstacles out of the way so the Holy Spirit has free unhindered access to their hearts. If God is in the place he supposed to be. He is so dedicated to showing up there and meaningfully transforming yeah and what it demonstrates to me is that you know brokenness and marriage is a deeply spiritual issue and there is a way out because the Lord is always in your corner you and the work is worth the effort by Mindy the fruit of that labor of digging deep in looking at yourself and of being honest with God can really bring about his opportunity for miracle right in John the whole book. The purpose of that is is Bob talk about those obstacles. It's we've identified. There is nine main obstacles that are going on within those relationships, and so were just trying to point out here's the obstacle in this is what you can actually do this going to make a meaningful difference. So we've had over 8000 couples go to the marriage intensive program so get this amazing lab. All were doing is going.

Here's what we've seen word here. The nine obstacles in. Here's what you can do about it. Let me had a phrase and get your response before you move on the line number seven and that is irreconcilable differences, the courts kinda created this terminology and you hear couples that are in a dark place.

Use that phrase. We just have irreconcilable differences. I mean, you want to go, what everybody does type being human. But, you know, there are serious applications to that where the fighting is terrible. The disagreements over whatever it might be but speak to irreconcilable differences. Why is that so damaging will win you even look if the word it means incapable of being brought into harmony.

In some exactly opposite of the gospel right and what the Lord wants. So that's the goal that's what they're trying to figure is how do we commend this harmony and all were saying is listen. God created you on purpose with purpose. A part of that purpose is that differences that's how he made us. We are so different and that's a beautiful thing.

Differences are never the problem.

That's the beauty that humanity left it's how you manage them and utilize them right.

Well, in that context. This is always the perplexing idea that God and you get out you gotta tread carefully. Say God were you sure when you created marriage wanted to have opposites attract, which is like 8090% of the rural right that it also is the very thing that teaches us to be more like him.

One exposes the thing with a needlework. Nobody can expose my issues as effectively as Jenny. When they bump on the differences. Bob, you know, it really is where the opportunities of where God meets Mrs. hey you know that little place you just saw there.

That's really not like me. Hey, if you and I could just kinda hang there for a little bit. I think we could get this to a better place and a and I love that movie number seven and I were cooking now as we move into the last part of the program line number seven is I'm gonna make you love me and that's the lie that if I just try hard enough you'll see how wonderful that I my heart goes out. I think this is definitely not necessarily a gender thing that I could feel a lot of wives particular women have that desire because they want that bonding there there made for that bonding and there sitting on if I could just do things better.

I'm sure he'll love me more. Why do gotta be careful with that with a lie is is that is long as we have love and as long as we are committed to each other for a lifetime. That's it. We've we've got to necessarily the best ingredients to make a marriage work in. That's why when Aaron and I were early in our marriage. In Weise, so were struggling will as believers were going to church. We had lifelong commitments. We loved each other and it wasn't working. It was so confusing.

And then one day I finally began to understand there was something else that was so important actually saw this in one of those little roly-poly bug scene of the ones that if you flick it is little pluggable role of this tight little ball. What's interesting is that if you try to take that bug and pry it open to kill it in. That's how God created our heart, is that when we and we don't feel safe in our marriage and we instantly like that little bug in our heart rolls up in what I began to understand with Aaron is that yeah we we love each other. We had lifelong commitment. But my wife felt so unsafe with me the way that I was showing up. The way I was trying to get her to love me in certain ways made her feel so unsafe that she was like that little bug still rolled up tight. Her heart was so tight and it actually had begun to hard in one of the things that that I begin to learn is that love is necessary.

Commitment is necessary, but Aaron and me both feeling safe when we feel safe with each other than our hearts open like that little bug that bug will begin to open back up when it feels the threat is gone and that's why I never knew that I never understood how important the idea of feeling safe. How do we create a marriage that feels like one of the safest places on earth that became the goal in that began a very different relationship for Aaron and I now we started to work on how do we create safety within our marriage will be realized when we started presenting these ideas to the couples that we work with is that and how central is we basically say if you can't remember anything that you here this week except for one. If you can remember to make safety the center of the target safety and security at the center of the target because what actually happens to your point is that when people begin to truly feel deeply and profoundly safe and secure. We just always relax and open up, and when two hearts that are open are in close proximity to each other that intimacy and the connection were longing for happens naturally. But when people feel unsafe and insecure their guarded and their something that hinders as a result, the ability to truly connect in that way that our hearts are longing for get in touch with us for a copy of this book 9 lies that will destroy your marriage, and I would be happy to tell you more about our counseling services and hope restored our marriage and tenses are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or click the link in the episode notes moving to the love line number eight. Your love is driving me crazy. I think you have a story about that was a couple named Jeff and Michelle so and this relates to emotions so connect those dots force. What was their problem and what was the solution will their problem was the same problem that I had a nightmare in what happened was that any time that Aaron would feel intensely about something have intense emotions. I thought my job was to solve that to fix that to get her not feeling so intense into feel better to feel laugh, to whatever and so my job became managing her emotions in there. I'll never forget the day that that is Aaron came home and just really tough interaction with a good friend of mine out of the blue and she was frustrated me yelling at me in instantly.

I jump in and say will hear it will.

Here's what you need to need to call her back in. If you say this in in frame it this way, and she finally looked at me and she said, seriously, do you think I'm an idiot like you think that I couldn't come up with that on my own. Every time that I tried to move her away from feeling whatever believing did you know that my job is to keep her from falling off the deep end because, as she get so emotional.

She's eventually going to you know somewhere that's not can be good and it sent the message that one year, incapable of handling managing your emotions. It put me in a role of thinking I needed to do that and in. Therefore, we would always get into an argument that codependency right versus really learning the very very different way. Instead of trying to fix her motion solve some sort of problem get her feeling differently.

What if I just started to care about how she felt and that what if that became my goal and to lead that's one of the greatest things that we see within the marriage and tenses in the what we've written the book is a method to actually help couples instead of trying to solve in in get away from emotions.

How do you actually embrace that so that you can use those emotions to fill a deeper sense of connection and run intimacy and body you develop that heart talk concept so I think you did, what is the heart talk concept. I think rather talking about will inserts off as Greg is saying. Recognizing that feelings were created by God. Every single one of the really is no such thing as a good feeling and a bad feeling like it's a moral issue. There are pleasant feelings and unpleasant feelings, certainly, but they're not bad they are they are data feelings in this I'm speaking to the guys now because gals get this better than guys you typically feelings are raw data, they are just to their informers. They're not decision-makers because we got our heart, which is the data center. We've got her head, which is the interpreter in the process or strategize her and then we got hands which carry out the marching orders. If you haven't honored the data you've got nothing for the processor to work with you got no good information. So for instance pain. It's easy to think that pain is a problem will pain is telling you something important. If you feel no pain. You've got a problem you can't care for this temple. So what were saying is listen to the feelings and listen to them is important data and heart talk is about hearing each other's hearts, honoring the feelings for what they are not catering to them not indulging them, but valuing them as critical information and we teach people how to do that safely, so that nobody feels that they regret sharing who they are and their essential vulnerabilities with one another.

That is, could input all of these in their really good. Let's get to the last one right at the end here.

It's the love lie that surrounds compromise now compromise sounds like a good thing in the relationship. I give a little you take a little and so on.

Wiser, you know the problem with it is that there's always going to be a loser or both of you will lose and you know and I believe that in one of my passions in life is.

I'm really big on winning.

I will go to great lengths to win and I couldn't understand why in my relationship with Jenny every time differences would bump that even when I got my way. I felt like I was a loser marriage 10.

What was he trying to put a limit when I finally realize God broke one time and he help me to see that by his design marriage is a team sport and when you're on the same team. You either both win or you both lose.

There is no such thing as a win lose outcome in marriage ever.

It's purely an illusion from the pit of hell.

Because if anybody asked my son was in a conversation I had with him because we were we were walking horns on something and I overcame him, and he surrendered to me and then I saw that I just destroyed him emotionally and what I realized was that that God help me to see how to rectify that. I went up two minutes and a son.

He was playing Little League baseball at the time was 13. I said he played with a kid and chucking us is there ever a time when you win and Chuckie loses he said no. I said how about Chucky wins and you lose he said no it's outcome is a dead run on the same team. I said exactly son I lost in that interacts with you because I'm your teammate, not your adversary.

And what happened was I walked away for several days thinking about my marriage and finally the lightbulb went off and I saw for the first time that I set up virtually every single interaction I had with Jenny when the difference was up like just like that when I did with Chris and marriage is a team sport, and therefore it either feels compromise. Let's use that word if either feels compromise less than like they had to give in that we lose as a team and since that point to this day, which is 20 something years now I've adopted. We as an organization have what we call a no losers policy and I've made it 100% unacceptable for either Jenny or me to ever walk away from any interaction feeling like we lost because if either do we both know that it sounds impractical at some point, though, just to challenge a little bit then and I I like the winning side of being on the same team but when you get to a decision or an impasse. How does one person not feel like I had given we want to know the that the cool thing about this is that it seems like I've been on the front side of a difference with Jenny more times. I now I said okay God no way humanly possible were to come up with a win-win on this one, and to date when we use the principles we teach. I have never been right. Once I might've been right that there was no way humanly possible. But we serve a God who is devoted to unity and if we get out of his way and he lives in a perfect triune unified relationship. If we get out of his way, he will miraculously at times take us to a situation we both feel great about it might not be what either one of you imagine you'd settle for at the beginning, but he will not leave a couple in disunity if we will allow him to take over and have his way with us in our setback at times and went how the heck did you pull that off right at the end. I love that statement were right at the end Greg alternate you for that couple both the husband and wife who are listening or watching on YouTube and their same boy.

Three of those nine hit me, and there feeling a little may be distant. Now there would like to tell them what they can do today to improve or thereat yet.

The good news is Bob just said we have a God that has given us his gift of marriage to so is fighting in your corner for your marriage to know you're not alone, is always for you years would work for you in. We have amazing counselors we have Bob in his clinical team with within the hope restored program that there's options as you begin to go whoa yeah I've bought into this when I've bought into this one well get the book and you can begin to really start to study and understand and reread going on.

My goodness, that the light bulbs come off of the veil is been lifted in. You can start to make slow steps. The worst question you can ever ask is how do I have a better marriage because it takes, to the best question is God. How can I be a better husband. How can I be a better wife. What is within my control. And that's really what were laying out for you in the book were giving you simple ways that you can make some adjustments that you can make some different choices that will begin to make a difference.

You have such amazing influence on your marriage. Sometimes all it is is some awareness in an okay so what do I do about that.

That's exactly what we've given you within this blog. I hope you've been encouraged by the wisdom that Dr. Greg Smalley and Bob Paul shared on today's Focus on the Family of best of 2020, a presentation they have such great insights on relationships and your marriage is surely a benefit in the coming days from their advice. So yeah, regardless of what season you're in these principles will make your relationship stronger and more vibrant, and we know marriage can be a challenge if you're in a spot where you're struggling and you don't know what your next step is to call us here Focus on the Family we have counselors who can help you who can talk with you about what you're feeling and we also have are very effective hope restored marriage and tenses.

Those are for couples who might be in deeper trouble. Maybe you've reached what you think is the end of your rope. You're considering divorce that we want to help you rethink that our research shows that 4/5 couples who go through. Hope restored are still married. Two years later and have a much higher level of satisfaction in their marriage and let me share with you what one participant told us after attending hope restored with her husband. She wrote my husband and I truly received a miracle here. Our overall experience was beyond our expectations.

We learned that there is hope when thinking. All hope is lost. Our relationship has been forever changed and I love Jim hearing how God is using Focus on the Family like that in the lives of couples who are receiving the help that they so desperately need in the been searching for and were all grateful to be a part of it, knowing that almost half of marriages in America will end in divorce that we recognize that we still have work to do because of the isolation financial uncertainties caused by the pandemic. Many marriages are struggling.

You can give families hope by supporting Focus on the Family today God will use your support to save marriages through books, Bible studies, marriage podcasts, the hope restored marriage and tenses and so many other resources. When you give a gift of any amount today to the ministry will send you a copy of Greg and Bob's book as our way of saying thank you that your support is critical so that we can finish the year strong and plan to reach even more families in the coming year that got to do some amazing things through you and Focus on the Family in 2021 donate and get your copy of nine lies that will destroy your marriage. We got contact details in the episode, and tomorrow will continue our best of 2020 programming is Dr. Kathy Cook describes how to meet your needs in healthy ways. So I think of people confuse needs with lots, that it may feel inappropriate and it may feel self-centered and selfish and not biblical. But these Courtney are absolutely created in us by God on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ