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December 7, 2020 5:00 am
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The thing is to find ways to get into our kids world spend time with them.
Maybe that means now playing video games with them doing what they like to do you hang out with them and look for those opportunities to just enter their world love on them and engage in meaningful conversation about the stuff that matters. The more we in Boston them and they're going to navigate some of these conversations with you and that's where values are passed on Jonathan McKee is with us on this best of 2020 Focus on the Family broadcast and your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us I'm John Fuller, John. Here's a declaration being a teenager is never easy. Although I, like now to go back to being a teenager.
For if I had this capacity. What to dare, would you pick will generally not the freshman year low man on the totem pole, but I mean it's just tough when you're trying to figure out who you are, what you're about is your faith, your owners at your parents.
All those things and yeah all the other stuff the cultures thrown at your social media pornography are there so many things now that are readily available to teenagers in particular teen boys and were not talk about that today.
Let me remind you, the focus is here to help you in your parenting journey. There's nothing that will embarrass you if you call us and we want you to call us and asked for help if you're in that place were you really need some input about parenting teens today and we got the contact info in the episode notes and Jonathan McKee is an expert on this topic. He was once a teen boy is been 20 years ago, youth outreach and youth ministry and he's written a number of books he's been here before. Number of times as well. His most recent topic is a guys guide to four battles every young man must face Jonathan welcome back to focus thanks for help me always a delightful conversation. Okay, you've heard that intro what you think of the biggest differences between the way. Maybe we grew up in your little younger than me, but I probably still grew up in an era where things were a little simpler compared to what teen boys are growing up with today. Absolutely it can be summarized by just saying more accessibility and less accountability. That's the big difference because I mean when we were all grown up. There is temptations all around us. I mean there was deftly raunchy music. There is deftly pornography available, but like pornography. I mean it was a friend showing us his dad's magazine or was at a liquor store down an aisle somewhere and MA that was a temptation for some of us, but it wasn't coming through every Wi-Fi signal in the house today.
There is more accessibility. Same with music scene with movies. I'm sure we could sneak into a movie theater or go rent that movie right way to think the video store events to guide actually give you the R-rated movie course, none of us ever did that.
But if by chance, that was us. That was what it was like back then and now it's coming again to all these different signals to these devices that are right there in our bedroom and sadly most parents allow these devices into the bedroom so there is the less accountability that's the overarching truth right there and that's what makes it so difficult for parents today, especially moms.
I think that worry terribly and understandably about what their boys are seeing and going through and experiencing. Let's start on the little higher side and what I mean by that is, the overview you in your book you guys guide to four battles you talk about a man sometimes, but certainly teen boys to our lack of ability to ask for directions or instructions.
That's me instructions to my firstborn. I try first to do it myself and then if I need to look think I've ever read a set of instructions put in some together, which does mean I leave a few parts out is that it is that it's it's it's our stigma as part of being a man right. You gotta just get a man through it and so I talk about that because I think that tends to be a tendency it's a pride thing with us is at with guys in and you know sadly if we go through this journey of life without looking at the manual you know we need to be in the word of God and sets on the things that I talk with young men about and I use a story of using the manual to the talk about that, bring that to light because it is kind of humility thing it is, is pride that can absolutely, it is almost things where we need to realize that so often as were face and he thinks our tendency is to keep it secret to not tell anybody to try to do it on her own as opposed to doing with the word of God says, which is reach out to others and in a world full of explicit lies to look into the explicit truth of the word of God and at the place we need to go.
So this book you know is one of those excuses to get guys digging into the word video games you mentioned that and how you use it to teach your boys about learning from others' mistakes that you gotta tell me how to do this one will you none of this is one of the huge subject. As were talking with the four battles. These four distractions in young people's life. Biggest complaint I hear from parents at my parent workshops is how do I get my son to stop playing fortnight nor apex legends or whatever the game is at the time you all night long. I cannot pry them from that in you because of sons, you probably can relate to seven will be the golden answer everyone's waiting for just one more minute. Yeah exactly one more one more day dad and it's just it's one of those things and so yeah, I used a videogame example of talking, but some that all young men understand and it is the fact it's very often will go through like you know if you're playing a videogame and you and you go through a rumen in Austin yet go through a door and you get demolished by bunch of bad guys right and Abbott's well immediately. The cool thing is if a videogame if you diet just as your dad and it put you back to that next.last starting point. You know we were any just get to have this nice little duel over you. Now if only life were that simple, right and the thing is, I've never seen a young man go hey let me go to that same stupid mistake that we did they learn that mistake there there better equipped to walk through that door or avoid that door altogether and it's one of those things where we can learn we can seat and and here's the other crazy thing is always play together right no bill but NOC of body go through a door like that and they think themselves meant 100 go through that door. Will this is great. Life application process is exact same stuff we can do in life is we don't have to got sick. Not I better learn this for myself.
Let me drink myself silly every we can see this stuff happened from that you're not saying this, but what I like about what you're saying and I would I would ask mom's to think about this because I think mom struggle a bit more with this and I'm sure a few moms of Ghana after dad but to use the kids environment to teach a lesson not to say stop, but to say you know son, what is this teaching about life and make it a little more playful but I enjoy that kind of parenting I you know night, but I think sometimes men may get that a little quicker to engage his son with what he's doing. Rather than say stop doing it in here.
I'll tell you why, but to engage them in their activity and begin to give them a short lesson about what that's teaching.
I'd like that. But I want to make sure we all catch it. Now Jim that that's one of those things where we have the opportunity to, as were entering their world and walking through life with them to be, will have a meaningful conversation about something that matters. Enter tendency sometimes as parents is to quickly overreact. If we see her kids plaintively video games. It's wheat we go to the boundaries we quickly hey you had too many hours of video games as opposed to instead of overreacting interacting maybe playing a videogame with their kids because we enter their world and actually you'll go to player with our kids. I found that my son. There's yet yet it because now they they kill us all some of the best times we talked about that before Michelle and to be able to have those moments to have those conversations.
That's powerful stuff that's were values of past Jonathan. I love the way you have that introspection about yourself and in the book you put it out there. You don't hide your own shortcomings but you mentioned a hilarious story which probably at the time wasn't too funny.
But it was the distraction it become a distraction in your life what was going on yet. You know it's it's one of the stories that I think young people identify with.
Just because it's one of those silly moments and I love I love mountain bike riding, but I'm not what I would call a mountain bike rider by any means be dangerous. Yeah, I love to be on a mountain bike, my friends, but I have friends that my friend Mark who men this guy. He will take any terrain anything so so I actually went mountain biking. My friend Mark and and we went up towards Lake Tahoe and the tie was gorgeous. It's right there in the Sierras and I knew this particular trailer intake was kind of a precarious trail. He warned me about. It is a right before we got goes okay. Just listen.
If you don't want to die today I okay you got my attention.
I had to don't want to die and here's what you do uses trail goes back and forth. It's really crazy. Just keep your eyes right in my hub. He goes when he goes left you go that way goes right, you go right. Keep your eyes focused right on that one thing and you won't die and I said okay keep my eyes on the hub. Don't die and then he was right because we took off on this trail man he was going all over the place and when he went fast. I try to go fast when he slowed down. I deftly so downright I went right left out and it was a crazy trail and man I was so glad to have him guiding me, and I kept my eyes right on the hub but we finally came around his clearing and off in my prefilled vision I could see this amazing blue something to my right and I realize it's Lake Tahoe. If you have never seen Lake Tahoe is the most ever gorgeous. It is the most gorgeous deep blue you've ever seen and I was a second. I'm just a take a little peek and he's not stopping. It is the perfect place to stop.
So I just I could help and I look at the Hubbard.
I look at the hover.I just couldn't I go with it. So you all and I just looked over to the right over there and like all wow how beautiful and the trail turned left. I didn't see it. I went right off the edge. True story literally just right of the edge and luckily, there is little Christmas tree just kind of right because it was one of those edges, I want to go to died man I would've broke some serious bones. I reached out and I just grabbed the Christmas tree like elf man I just grab that thing and that Christmas trees dipped a girl I was like holy tree dangling onto the street and it was so funny because there's nothing wrong with looking at a link but the fact is, sometimes in life there is distractions that keep our eyes off the focus of what we should be focused on and it was one of those moments where I realized hey you know what there is to set the games. No that there's things in our life that sometimes our distractions and keep us from focusing on the things that matter.
And that's when those illustrations are given the book we talk about hey, how do we stay focused on the things that matter. Jonathan McKee is our guest today on Focus on the Family and he's got this great book guys guide to four battles every young man must face and we got that and you can find it and other help in the episode notes Jonathan that we've been talking about this for battles that young men will face whoever really named him.
So what are the absolutely sexual temptation screens controlled substances and struggles with self-esteem for babies as the ones that guaranteed if a mom comes up to me and asked a question about her son and says hey I ask you my son. I know it's can be one of those forth, and yes, I would think you know again being a dad of teenagers. I would think that self-image is kind of the foundation there because the other things behaviorally come from poor self-image and impact on your self-image or wanting to be something special in the crowd would have you self-image. What are the obstacles there were the battles. How do we encourage a team boy in his self-image, not the great question, especially because these four battles seem to intertwine so much a man because self image is now so tied up in screens and so in a world where screens are becoming such a distraction.
I mean, and this is this, new territory for us as parents because when you look at the greater history of mankind.
I mean, we've really only you know that as a country only had smartphones in our pockets for like the last 6 to 7 years, so this is kind of new stuff where young people are carrying social media in their pocket because it really wasn't until 2012 that that snapshot an instant all the stuff emerge and since then every expert out there is pointing to this social media and these devices in our pockets as the source to all the problems with anxiety, depression, their self-esteem is so caught up in this little I called the smart phone little barometer of self-esteem and if you think about this for a guy today cycle. How many friends you have a lot of them would willingly check real quickly go right to their device and how many friends I have.
You know how my trending right now.
What crazy thing if I done to get likes you know and so this is a sad situation for and honestly every is trying to kind of figured out right now our countries it in a spot where we saw both Apple and android last year just recently come up with all sunscreen time limits and stuff for the first time because there is outcry of hey, something's wrong here young people get so caught up in devices. Scratch that, not young people. People write are getting so tied into these devices and so that's one of the big struggles right now is helping young people realize that their identity is so much more than just the likes you receive on Insta yeah it you know the application again nothing new under the sun. Jesus spoke a lot about a person's image and self-image of those kinds of things are. How do you take the way Jesus spoke about self-image and parlay that into real-world experience with your team boy today will in a world where everybody wants to be like. I think a lot of us you know what were going for attention in wrong ways and Jesus was such an amazing example of someone who just cared for others, and I love just when you read Jesus stories the weight Jesus treated people. There was some people that I think a lot of young people can identify with today is Zach. Yes, may made some bad choices. Maybe not liked by the crowd, but yet Jesus just called onset hey Zach us to dinner tonight. I want to hang out with you and Jesus cared about Zach because of just the fact of who he wants you know it didn't matter about his past, but his future was incredibly important to Jesus and this is one of those things where young people, again we can get so caught up in identity and in and how many actual likes we have on Instagram or or whatever and identity as a believer is in Christ, and it still need the more we get to know Jesus and the more we get to know how much he values us, and wants to get to know us. That is such a comfort to young people in and there's many other ways we get into in the book such as surveying and this not because it's amazing when you start serving and sing, sometimes where other people are need and the difference you can make in someone else's life, man.
There is no greater boost self-esteem when God is using you to impact others. When you mention these four things are intertwined in disturbed people jumping in right now, self-image screens, sexual situations, substance abuse, version 4 core things you cover in your book guys guide to four battles every young man must space you let me mention that social media component in how it works in our self-image area and I think it again. We play down gender in this culture, but gender has the role here, boys and girls seemingly respond differently to social media and self-image. So describe those differences how to team girls and team boys differ when it comes to social media impact.
And, no, no, I mean there's definite difference between the genders and and a lot of parents here, especially parents of younger boys seven stable boys aren't even interested in social media there extended video games write what's interesting is most young people wonder playing video games have a headset on and are connecting with someone else and that's actually kind of a social media there because you're chatting with.
Sadly, very often a stranger and we talked… Broadcast but were girls for sure, very often it's not connecting you know going to that Instagram scroll and looking at what others are doing, but it is interesting because don't discount the fact that guys really do also. Then you know when you're done playing video games stuff they do often go to that social media feed because socially it's some reality of how young people connect with each other. Today it's it's a playground. Yet it is a place where people get to know each other when they try to measure up. You know it's there's a pecking order on social media and so this is where young people kind of navigate and communicate and very often if something happens it's pretrade on social media.
If you want to embarrass something take a picture from posted on so yeah yeah this is the playground of today it's you and that's why we need to talk to young people about this and equip them for this journey on social media and sub just thrown the khakis and same good luck you do mention something else in the book that caught my attention because this phrase that's in the culture. I don't hear this much of our house, but the you do you kind of phrase which I think I get that, you know. Be who you are. Be yourself. Empowerment you know concentrate on what you are that kind of thing. What are you driving out there. Well I just I see that so much a mean EEC II think I saw a movie recently where there is a commercial at the beginning as a commercial for a Diet Coke or something like that and and and the girls as I can. You can do what you want if you want to do this, that's fine.
You do you and there's it's the trendy thing to just gonna say, hey, you gotta do what feels right at the moment we talk a little bit about indulging and are there consequences and does actually affect others. These are things that we need to navigate because again when young people are connected to 9+ hours a day on average kind of entertainment media. You know, that's a lot of messages in their head kind of affirming them that hey, just yell go for it live for the moment, did you know yeah let go lose control.
These are the messages we hear in music more than anything else let go lose control. We need to ask any direct contradiction to a person of faith. The Christian who wants to follow what Christ says to do which is to love your neighbor to lay your life down for others it's so contrary to you.
Do you and that's why love to you and I use a book like this is a perfect excuse to kind of almost just throw down that contrast instead of preaching at the kid say hey we hear these messages in our culture, and here's what the Bible says we make in this and kids are smart lollies because of that or go well, you know that that doesn't match right now and a CNET so that's why try to do it.
I tried, I tell true stories of young people in some of the struggles and what happened in their lives. And it's good to kind of explore that and people thinking go hate is that the road I really want to go down down Jonathan a big issue in the culture right now is opioid addiction drug addiction course were sitting here in Colorado state that one of the first states that legalize recreational marijuana use of for anybody 21 or older but teens get their hands on and there seems to be a passivity about it. Speak to the issue of substance abuse. That's one of the four you mentioned in the book and probably the most prevalent for teens would be alcohol and marijuana. But parents need Christian parents particularly need to be aware all parents need to be aware of what their team boys could get into yeah II think this is tough for Christian parents and I think as I look back in my own parenting to have a lot of conversations about drugs, my kids, I think I just assumed you know you're there. They just know that yellow drugs are bad and you wouldn't do that and and and I think a lot of Christian homes.
The drug conversation what you know not to do that right.
You don't want to be about at right okay.
Will there yelled and settled. You know it. There like the sex to you as a saving on Evelyn because this talk, you know you know not to do the bad thing right there. Yeah, you know, and it's one of things where we can realize in our culture.
A recent study showed that only 26% of 12th graders think regular marijuana use offers any risk of harm. Only 26%.
So three quarters of neo-guys graduated from high school. Think marijuana is no big deal and you know what, if you listen to the music they're listening to watch the shows their watch and man I tell you know you listen to like post-Malone or any of the guys that are like in the you know it in the top of the charts right now. It's all about smokiness and that you having fun and who cares. And of course then to also Nino turn on the news and see that hate. This is legalize. This is such great Nino medicinal value and and this and so that's why when I talk with young people about this. I don't even navigate the arguments of should be legalize. Should we use it for medicinal purposes. Go there. I simply talk about one simple fact and that is it even pro pot advocates know that there is huge risk for a young person with the developing brain using marijuana. So when it comes to talking about marijuana.
I simply say, hey, do you know that your brain still develop until age 25 and here's what the brain experts are saying it in you when you unveil that research is what I do little badges, show them and tell them stories because when you use marijuana as a young person manned the risk factors are huge. Jonathan is we believe there is that one burning question of the parents who feel their losing hope for their son that maybe you know they just want to where they were connected or whatever reason not to apply guilt to the situation, but their sons outmaneuvered them and they made poor decisions and maybe that parent feels like I don't know what to do.
I don't feel hope.
How to why get engaged again in my son's life. What recommendation do you have where you start will the key is in the words that you chosen that question how do I get engaged in my son's life. I think our tendency is to panic to overreact and slap on all the rules and really what's really important is a relationship and you know me I'm not saying no rules but sometimes a tendency is to just be so focused on the rules that we forget the relationship and the key thing is to find ways to get into our kids world spend time with them. Maybe that means down Plainview games with them and doing what they like to do and hang out with them and look for those opportunities to just into the world love on them and engage in meaningful conversation about the stuff that matters. The more we invest in them than they're going to navigate some of these conversations with you and that's where values are passed on.
What an insightful conversation with Jonathan McKee today on one of our best of 2020 Focus on the Family episodes and as your raising boys.
These are definitely things to keep in mind, and I trust that you been encouraged to continue the dialogue with your son as a dad of two boys, this is the kind of practical help parents need. This is good stuff. Jonathan has a great way of equipping young men to answer big questions about what they're doing in their lives and how to make the right decisions.
What moms and dads really are concerned about the reality is you have to open dialogue and communication with your boys.
That's the best way you can help them make wise and biblically informed decisions about their lives here Focus on the Family. Our goal is to help you however we can in your parenting journey. If you or your child is really struggling with any of these things we talked about today. I reach out to someone reach out to us.
We have Karen Christian counselors who would be happy to talk with you. Pray with you and get you on the right path toward hope and healing. We have as well a number of resources to help including the book we talked about today. The guys guide to four battles every young man must face a manual to overcoming life's common distractions written your guest Jonathan McKee. I think we can all agree John the 2020 was a challenging year in the Christmas season is more welcome than ever that we all need the hope and peace, Jesus Christ came to give us, and people who are hurting battling emotional struggles, family crisis or personal tragedy. Contact us for help every day. This Christmas you can come alongside them with the special holiday gift you can give families hope through your support of Focus on the Family when you give a gift of any amount today to the ministry will send you a copy of Jonathan's book as our way of saying thank you for your support is critical so that we can finish the year strong and plan to reach even more families in the coming year and I know God's going to do some incredible things through you and Focus on the Family in 2021 donate today and know that through a special matching gift opportunity. Your year-end donation will be doubled dollar for dollar was an excellent time to get to the ministry God can use your gift to bring healing and redemption to twice the families donate and get your copy of the guys guide to four battles every young man must face the details in the episode will join us tomorrow as we continue our best of 2020 programming Bob Hall and Greg Smalley expose some of the myths about marriage, the worst question you can ever ask is how do I have a better marriage is it takes to. The best question is God.
How can I be a better husband.
How can it be a better wife. What is within my control on behalf Jim Daly and the entire team.
Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. Once again help you and your family thrive in Christ