Embracing Grace, Fun, and Family This Holiday Season

All will or maybe you're excited bigger Christmas music or you think it's too early. We are in a couple weeks away from Thanksgiving here in the US so today on Focus on the Family were to give you some ideas for approaching the holiday season with some grace, some fun and some focus on God and your family, your hostess, Focus on the Family president Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller okay Johnson of the world, breaks into two halves. We got the dog people in the There's another test it's very chaotic.

This is another test and that is Christmas music before Thanksgiving or after Thanksgiving. Well I definitely and after Thanksgiving person married to a pre-Thanksgiving person.

True story.

First of this year. Dana was listening to Christmas music and so I am by virtue of having desire to have a happy marriage pre-Thanksgiving you moved to Paris totally okay well I think Jean and I are in the same boat and have Jean here to verify my statements.

Jean on the pre-Thanksgiving music side of the after Thanksgiving side after Thanksgiving.

I mean, I secretly do enjoy a fine shopping.

Then I hear the Christmas music in October.

So I'm always open to it in my car until I think what would you have a great discussion today about the sacred holidays and what you can do we have a wonderful guest to wonderful guest to talk about this, but you know sometimes it's hard and there's a lot that goes into this, but Becky Kaiser's with us today and she has written a wonderful book called sacred holidays and that'll be the point of our discussion. It really will be a great to unpack this.

There's so much stress associated with the holiday summer chip to get right and Becky is a great person to talk about this. She is the founder and CEO of sacred holidays, which is a ministry dedicated to helping women find less chaos and more Jesus during the holidays. Everybody just said yeah I think husband's water so so look for the book sacred holidays.

We've got the link in the episode and Jimmy mentioned, Becky is married to Chris and they have three young girls ages 5 to 10 Becky welcome to focusing yeah you're right in the zone have time to hear and clanking together like all my family well. It is good to have intercourse always have Eugene well, it's always good being our Becky, you have and always enjoy the holidays.

I think so many women are going to relate to this because working to get some of the I think spiritual and emotional components to the holidays affect you say that Thanksgiving Christmas used to make you revert to your 13-year-old self.

I like that. But did you meet in a positive way or even in college when he first ran I would go home for Christmas break. Just expecting to be exciting and fine and realizing everything when I'm around my family. Anything tradition back to the 13 others and myself. That's not so positive and great triggers but can't stop down.

I wanted it to be different for myself as well as for my kids because all beginning that he never had about the bike for my mind because naturally wanted to be special to the persons wondering okay what are my triggers what were a couple of examples of this triggers for you. Just email.

I don't even know if it's just being in the same environment of your child as I got older financial triggers and be kind to tell my little bitty kids to my in-laws and my parents because they both come from divorced towns as we caught the Texas you are going to for houses in a week during stress go crazy if you're hosting it's no wonder you because you look tired. Just listen. You know this is that resonating yes yes yes sentence just idea that we feel like we have to make it so perfect in text but okay let me let me hit these trigger word shame and regret is that part of it, feel shame at times it is not as perfect as you want to be your think.

Maybe now that I think comparison would be the bigger route for meeting social media world having cracker and other people's holidays and working hard to try to make it like everyone's best picture they had yet but it is so true that we get distracted and Jean love something that you know you were aware of it was Thanksgiving, I think, and it was all kind of imploding you what happened. There was one particular Thanksgiving that I was we were hosting your family and the boys were very young and Jim always played football Thanksgiving will I just want to say I played that until I was 52 yes and I was hosting this family. I was resenting that he wasn't home in the morning overly resentful and I wanted everything to be perfect for his family and I can remember. The boys were napping and his family was having so much fun they were enjoying each other there laughing and I was irritated that they were being so loud with their frivolity that they perking away quite boys and upset their nap schedule and then we had a couple of nephews and they came over and were three hours late and I was really upset about that and then to top it off my homemade rolls weren't rising, and I member slick was ready to ask load I was going to crumple on the floor and here's and that night I felt the Holy Spirit impressed on me specifically with her nephews.

You know if that had been your little brother became so late. Would you be angry at him. He can do no wrong, and I really felt the Holy Spirit impressed on me. Well, that's how I feel about your nephews and I realized I missed it. I was so into the perfection of the day on my I have what it should look like in the homemade pumpkin pies that were setting.

Then I missed it and I was angry and I was tired and I didn't enjoy it really changed after that day I've really learned to race the relationships and possibly is absurd.

Jim's family is so self and repair little late anything anymore. I don't I make the turkey even know if that counts. I it's good I think you so look forward to it now and enjoy the people.

Becky, this is exactly the point to the heart doctor celebration shame a lot of women struggling and overreact and Jean in that situation you pause and listen to the spirit and adjusted baking sometimes were so busy we don't do that story.

I talked to Lynn about a lot Janus is a very popular story of Mary, Martha, and sometimes my mind when it invited Jesus into the holiday just fine if you're the woman who is struggling with shame and I'm getting this all wrong. Remember you're the one that has invited him into your holidays. Jesus then sets in mind that he was like, we can listen to Jesus.

CTI just say thank you and distracted about many things. One thing is necessary and that's where any holiday.

The one thing that's necessary is that we as my main focus a little bit less on the people which is okay I will take the flight attendants advice and instead of putting a mask on, not just our children, but has been and are grandparents and neighbors and teachers and all the things and instead say okay I need to breathe fresh oxygen because I have more to offer my kids if I am actually following Jesus and I just try to brainwash them to follow Jesus, but they never seen him do it themselves. Becky, you encourage parents to not put too much emphasis on the kids are talking about. I think that's an easy thing to do especially if your childhood was a lien I was guilty of guilty because you know we didn't have money to go to amusement parks thing so I probably overdone that I'm looking at you really encourage parents pull back a little. Don't over do it when it comes to presence with the kids and things like that. That's just our culture is like more and we feel like we need to give our kids the very best and there's nothing wrong. If you have that desire.

Like all of this goes back to what is Christmas for you and her family ask yourself what we want this to be about and for we realize that has and I realized we don't want it to be about them getting everything not lethal stuff the stockings and we still have presence of the Lord.

We have all the things that we lay back to get a handful of presidents and we try to teach them instead of building their own Christmas wish list a birthday wish list but they make wish list of what they want to get instead of what they want to receive seven people asking on the street when he hoping Santa brings you from Christmas. They look at me like that I like when I say things that you would like to get that you want to get premium this year. Tell them what you want to get this conversation. Now let's make jet Jesus came as the greatest gift we ever have silly when you give to other people. This time of year. It's not like about receiving everything birthdays are for receiving Christmas is for celebrating that he came. That's because you touched on this, but I want more elaboration from you Becky on the birthday celebration. I love that I mean everybody gets a birthday party. You have done this.

Now that Christmas because it is what is that look like a happy birthday Jesus party you can deal a lot with all my kids are asleep again.

We make a cake and you light a candle and one year, my daughter just like the holistic like things about Jesus and nothing to do with family but there's times you're going to get markers that are doing this right, and they live Christmas so much that I mean I told you before, they shall have if I hit 88° in Texas and Chris if I shifted the perspective from when I grew up with for Christmas but no longer being whimsical for them and it is just as whimsical by shifting the perspective focus often and putting out on what matters them all out for them that for Christmas. We chided you where we need to celebrate Jesus's birth, we find our own meaning we and his focus reading a story reenacting the story and just yet imperfectly I say in the book on a time like women at all and 25 things they find in the background interest every year.

One thing that maybe this year there. One thing is an avid study for yourself. You know I had never thought about this way but this is the celebration of Jesus's birth is just like human beings. Lord will give your gift but I want to get funding for our guest today on Focus on the Family is Becky Kaiser and were so glad to have her here sharing some ideas from a book called sacred holidays. She is ministry by the same name and ever so glad to have the book available. It's 800 the letter in the word family were stop by the episode notes for the link Becky. I think a lot of wives and moms are going to lean into this next question that is you are a candlelight service at Christmas. You're just feeling kind of blank were into work feeling the presence of the Lord because of all the stuff that you're having to do I think so many women can appreciate that and understand that they know exactly what I'm saying. How did you recognize that and then how did you get a grip on.

That's okay, come on, shake off the feeling that first Christmas I told you when I had my mother-in-law's church and as we all have done 100 times over holding a candle singing silent night and I'm holding and listening to the words I'm realizing just texting the whole point of all of this, but the present Iraq and things like great outfits. According to well and let me say you're also probably getting praise for about all those that have done all that we can do that is approved by all the people internally missed focusing on Jesus I get my time at the Lord so that I could presence till late at night or plan things out. Our travel more and said that was the trajectory where things changed for me and that's why started taking baby steps and what is that I never really heard it in the nomination. I was a part of himself started looking for Bible studies and resources that can help me focus on God's way. During this time. Take lien into the Christmas narrative which is so amazing that we only study on Sunday usually so true. I'm thinking of some advice for the husband talked a lot about the ladies right now but you know 10 o'clock the night before Christmas morning and your wife says I picked up a bicycle that needs to be put together. It happen when your dreams just a great job.

She laid on me like I'm not a person. I was out I think up at the handlebars with the suture else but how do we do husbands help words needed advice from the husband's not that bad attitude about the same advice for husbands, as it is for the lies that shifting your perspective and shifting your perspective on what matters to you, which may be tired after going to sit here and see your life as I'm sure we'll talk about all the time that your life and left her and ask her hate now you have all the normal stuff and I got the holiday stuff to what can I help and why I think just humbly ask your husband need your help, like something is put the burden on ourselves that we have to do it all and that were not enough helpful life for not doing it all and instead asking earlier you said you and Chris hadn't really discussed some of this. How often do you think it is the couples have separate expectations but don't talk that we started several years ago before the holidays and will layout this family member. This number is either emotionally hard for you to be around her stresses you out.

Are there always good having you handle that counselor gave me bad advice that you shift your perspective for other people changes and so there is one family member that is really hard for me – disappointed every time right and just expected this person to always be that way and hope and faith think I can change the second I'm just an expected there can it be who they've always been changes happen.

My relationship with that person changed completely because I was no longer disappointed that I could love and accept them for who they are never perfect, but again that's why it's so important to sit down with your spouse and talk through even down to like.

I know I need my hour in the morning to study God's word and pray where am I can get that when we go to your mom's house we go to my parents house preplanning just hour-long couple day at home over a cup of coffee to lay out all your expectation is a great really good that's that's worth listening to program me also this was a fun one because Christmas we think, especially if things are tight and I think this Christmas a lot of families. Things are to be tied to the dollar store run away and had some fun experiences. I was giggling when I was reading.

Before we come from divorce times you can imagine the amount of three cell each buy presents for all of those we would be think that kind of money himself where he got the idea from that we are like let's just take my daughter to the dollar store and we made a list of the time she could picture uncle and cousin and we do not control it all will be controlled and every item is a dollar because he taken templates for grandpa's good year God's world crossword puzzle two years ago my father-in-law had cancer and next Christmas when girl got here and a Barbie hairspray learning how to get really thoughtful way.

It's $20. We can afford and I'm sorry. Now they're learning how to be works within our budget so good it's great not to pierced the air. We offer make his parents would try to correct the row… By that you're not doing that he can handle three girls and all the family is still under hundred dollars for all of it wrapping all this presence is a vented gift bag yeah there is also a heavy side to the holders loneliness politics Russian spikes. Those kinds of things, along with all the celebration. Maybe the intensity of both just goes up, and Becky understand you recently built with when your grandpa passed away. Describe how the camp would damper on the holidays will probably be possible for me to talk about the kind that I experience great for the first time last Thanksgiving. My grandpa was just the rock of our family. We all have one of the usually they just hold it together and I was very close to him and he passed away and is the first time I had an empty chair empty chair Thanksgiving and I just been crushed by actually written agreed chapter before it experienced a deep level of grief because so many people deal with it 2020. We all have dealt with, whether it's some indicative of a losing someone just because life happened where divorce or sickness and diagnosis and serious financial issues for people.

It is harder and heavier for all of us that were all going to have a level of grief this year. What I learned in one of the things in the book that other people for advice is just to give grief or permission. See at the table saying when I walk into the house and he see his chair empty space outside your moments to create not there but also just to give yourself permission. You can laugh with her buddies dancing like Christmas and funny things and it's getting grief a seat at the table and saying there's space for it because I think as Christians we all say I just think I'm fine@having spine crazy is that there's this misperception that we can't not be okay. Time is a lack of faith in so many ways. It honors the hole in your heart and that's okay Jesus Creed and we can grieve in that context. You have stored your mom and we had the tradition of the moment beds all those years and your dad passed away not long ago your mom passed away and thinks change how you dealt with the yes my mom hosted Christmas every single year of her adult life like your grandpa know she was the Christmas rock and she passed away four months before Christmas and I thought it would be nice. We still had my parents home for my siblings and all of our families to me for Christmas again at my parents house and I use my mom's Christmas decorations and decorated the house. I didn't make anything. None of us did like my mom what that was okay and it was beautiful. It was bittersweet and and we were able to grieve and laugh and enjoy it and then the next Christmas.

I realize you know we needed a different tradition and we were able to meet a neutral location I'm biting my siblings and we changed it we and actually we met up until Christmas Eve because my brother and his wife were going to spend it with her family so we you know we we really changed and we did a white elephant gift that was new gift exchange and and it was fun and different and I still though, I bought a little 2 foot high Christmas tree and I brought my mom's life and I put them at the base of the trees that we still acknowledge that my parents weren't there, and a brother who is gone and his different and I think the beauty of it is you new traditions were born painful truth were known since child really like you said the sure pandemic of everything happening. Many people probably find new traditions for all kinds of reasons. Becky is closer right at the end and I want to touch on your idea of not being that Christian because again it's such a right moved talk about Christ and and I the question obviously what you mean by that cannot be that Christian and Holly chapters 6 and common shuttle chapters and one of those is not being that Christian and that is completely disregarded because they don't know how to do it and those who overdo it too much and not be that Christian is again let's sit down for 30 minutes with a Journal piece of paper and asked the Lord gotten off and mainly keep on missing Jesus by making the camp where I'm like maybe a little over spiritual and missing living in life and loving people, and so where I would say is sit down and evaluate that name. Focus your your heart like what is your relationship like with the light and where can you move forward on that and as you are in Scripture as often study our weather here.

Whatever your church is doing something when you're doing things your heart shift if you're not focused on all the other things in your and God's word in your praying and find the light right leg into the right path of his eyes on him, well this is been really encouraging a lot more fun than I thought I was going with this really is full of great wisdom. Becky and Jean both have learned how you've applied it so thank you for just turn the listener on the highly recommend sacred holidays. I think Becky laid out so nicely with the books about what you're trying to accomplish some of those tools I think you'll really benefit from and I hope you get a copy here from Focus on the Family of course is not just limited to Christmas and Thanksgiving as Becky said it's got a number of holidays in there so look for your copy of sacred holidays. The link is in the episode course John if folks can make a diff to help us with the ministry here will send you a copy as our way of saying thank you especially need your support at this time of year. If you're part of the supporting.

Thank you. If you haven't yet joined a great time to hear from you and again our number is 800 Becky and Jean again, thanks for pleasure and hope all the listener that we can all is on relationships in Christ and on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller and putting it back once again family thrive in Christ