Hope and Help for Weary Moms (Part 2 of 2)

And though I can remember the day that I had my first little girl and I thought like hoping for this team mom now and I remember everybody leaving you now that I have the baby. Everything is great and good and holding her and everybody left the room.

You know the kind, ring, and I thought to even know what I'm doing.

My just in the midst of Crystal Porter and she's our guest today on Focus on the Family along with some other ladies from the health club your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly and Don Johnson, John I've talked about before the broadcast. But I had a really great moment only header for nine years, but she poured so much in debate. She was my world. Of course, she wasn't perfect, but she had me feel loved and seen and heard. And now that I've watch my wife Jean raise her two boys.

I know that returning the favor to mom's and showing love and appreciation is one of the most important things we can do. That's why we dedicated yesterday and today's broadcast to give mom some help and some help. I really appreciate the honesty that the crystal and Mary Jo brought to the table and I'm looking forward to sharing the second half of this conversation with our listeners and if you missed the first part of this broadcast.

Be sure to find that on our website or wherever you get your podcasts and as I said last time Deb weekly crystal Porter and Mary Jo mast are all in various stages of motherhood and marriage ended written a book called the health club for moms inspirational and practical help for you, your home and your family. We got copies of that. Look for the link in the episode notes and as you listen along you'll hear the reactions of our studio audience. This was recorded pre-pandemic. So we filled the room with other moms were part of the health club and here now is how we started. Part two of the conversation on today's episode of Focus on the Family Deb crystal Mary Jo welcome back to Focus on the Family to have you here and all your friends. I want to start today off by encouraging moms in their relationships with their children. That's really one of the main things that you do right and Mary Jo will return to you. You have a story about becoming a mom police officer is officer what was going on. Why did you get the badge well all I was already struggling so bad with being a bad mom and I just had this feeling of my kids are being bad all the time right day in and day out and I was embarrassed to go places sometimes just because they would act and I would correct them.

Then at home but nothing ever seemed to work and so I had a friend of mine is well.

I mean, she did not have any idea what she was saying and she told me to keep track and disciplined than every single time that week and so kept his heart and I kept track of every little thing that he did and in your mind, are in fact were both trying to be in both know is really trying hard to learn how to form them into this angry all the time to do what I wanted them to you and mastering long goodness it didn't last very well work and so we cry out to the Lord, where I got my kids listen, so we always talk about grocery store experience to know before you have kids when you're dating your fiancé will do such a better job.

That woman as time goes on, you become the woman and I'll know the other thing look at the poor mom is this vicious cycle. But the question is what do you do, just go to the grocery store seen you had seven children. You had a handful you know what, how do you say to the mom that struggled with that right now, being the former officer that you work yet relaxed. That's good to be kids love them where they are and I think the more uptight we are as parents, our children feel that you respond to that and uptight feeling that having it makes it way worse. Can I ask you when you're in that moment in Gina's share this with me.

It's a reflection on you and that Jean and her tender mommy heart would say that was what was really irritating me. That's speak highly of my mother skittles. That's right, I think that's where the comparison comes when those moments happen in the grocery store I wherever you are and your kid accepting out and you're like socks and what they're doing you like why are you acting like this and you compare yourself with the mom who has the kids are doing everything right. You feel like you don't at least see times when the writer kids yeah and then you start feeling bad about yourself.

And so you know I think God sees you is what I would say God sees you. He knows and he has an answer. A lot of times our children respond because there something going on in their heart that is its troubling them and so start asking God for the root issues rather than trying to fix them from the outside and Mary Jo in the book I believe you use a passage in Romans and talk about the importance of modeling so the Scripture rewriting the script if you will in your head, and that translating into actions verse yes it was at. It's the kindness of God that brings you to repentance.

Romans 24 Romans 24 do a more effective job as you try to live and I realize that when I get what they don't deserve it actually makes more of an impact because they know when the NASA they don't mean just telling them they already have this innate knowing that and so when you're getting them what they don't deserve, which is what Christ did for us. It really drives home so there's a tough one in double point, this question, do you think every mom wants to have that gray close relationship with each of their children and there's maybe one child connecting right are acting up leaves the playgroup crying in connection where you may be in the season we struggling with that one child yes what happened in your circumstances and how that manifest. I was always the mom would leave the always never and always. We brought up I was always the one that would leave with a child that had been disobedient or was crying and so I would leave and I would feel like the worst mom or she would highly season. I say she would put her toe right on the line that we told her what and it was hard because she was so strong-willed and I think that sometimes I think it's good to remember, especially the strong-willed kids are getting in trouble all the time.

They could be those children and maybe married to a husband or wife that when they get angry or act that is because they are mad at themselves for what they did so with my daughter.

She would often act worse when she was messing up and doing things wrong because she was feeling bad but she didn't fix it right like I think children, husbands are like that, husbands could be angry and they're angry because they are angry at themselves for getting angry or they're angry at themselves for losing their temper. And I think that is wise and with our children and with our husbands that the more that we can come alongside them and say like with my daughter we would start calling Romans 417 where God gives life to the dead and calls those things that are not as though they at work and it's when God called Abram Abraham before he had children.

God called him the father of many nations, and when we call the goodness in our children and anything that they're doing right or husbands when were calling out any good that they're doing and catching them being good and think you know what I know that you don't want to fight with your brother or are you sick. You are so kind to your brother yesterday at her right now are with your husband. You don't need to get upset and I know your heart is set to be patient and you know I love you so much and I just see so much growth in human I just feel so much of our words by bringing life with our words were acting like God acting like God and were calling those things and being that may not of been doing this I think it's just the fleshly nature of all of us that we tend especially in close, intimate relationships, like your spouse you can really lean into. I think men do this because it's our default nature sarcasm and cutting down and it's so destructive. I think that's been one of my weakest points trying to do better to be more uplifting and positive and reinforce just bite my tongue when I'm about to say something it might be quite funny that someone's expenses so I'm trying to do better. I should be mature in my 50s, but I'm working on that crystal you have an emphasis about having fun with your kids you love with your family and your kids so effective is a list of things you can do will post the website.

So what's that list of fun. I need it now. I think it springs from his I like to have fun yeah motherhood can not feel fine times and so maybe that's why it's a little bit more of a priority to me because my command. We have some fun in our day are. I'm also the idea of having fun with my kids and on their level. Like if my daughter for examples as mom we company parties with me.

I mean, I would probably rather have a cheese grater to my forehead. I don't love pretending it's just part of motherhood. That's always been a struggle for me and so kind of from now. I've been like a cable will I do because you know be myself up. Now I don't get on the floor and play with my kids. I don't do that very often I but I do things I like to do and I bring them into it and so then everybody wins. Hopefully, I know I should know, I don't think I'm alone. I talked to few friends that feel the same way about ending, but you do. Okay so for earlier this year. Last year, all my kids off. I've got whooping cough, so we were all losing our minds and we had to figure out what we do. So you know in the book I talk about how one of one night I was just looking around it was just a sad story, looking around and get cabin fever. I had been awake when I felt like was 200 nights just because the Coughlin up at night and so I was just awake and I was a zombie mom now super grouchy and so we like guys Montana can grow something for dinner and working have dance party outside okay and pick your song because you're going to be on display were autocrat for you to be great and all the characters like you know this is waiting to have somebody you know and so even in the midst I think sometimes it's hard because when you're in the midst of the hardness of being a mom and when. Especially when your kids get sick or having issues with one of them fun is kind of at the bottom of the list because you're just trying to survive and you don't want to do that you don't feel it. You don't feeling know you go to say yes and then do that and you love is a choice. If I want to let my kids I need to make sure that I'm fun. Kids are fine to do so I guess we have it on the book is 25 simple ways. Have fun with your kids, but a couple of them are like have a backyard campout was Mars may call me Plato and these are like things that you go to the nearest jump placement pale. This might have your kids have fun you can have fun make milk and cookies, milk and cooking every Friday night smoking unite whether their store-bought because I was making them all together just the simple things in that little little bit of intentionality goes a really long way.

This is Focus on the Family and they were sharing a great conversation we had with weekly domestic and Crystal Porter another members of the health club. We've enjoyed so much talking about their book to help cook for moms look for your copy the link and the episode notes call 800 K we had a lot of fun talking about being the mom to the little boy or girl talk about marriage and parenting.

That's a tough one. Every single moms can have a different experience. Obviously you're juggling so much and then there's dad who say hey you know, I spent a little time with you, however, that works out.

I got nothing to give. There's a lot of tension in that and you know we hear Focus on the Family we talk a lot about making sure your home is a marriage center comes when the best things you can do for your kids is make sure they see you loving each other right that mom and dad are engaged and have a good relationship.

Best thing you could do for them, but that takes commitment and takes time specially when you're so tired, so which one you want to jump out there and volunteer some ideas on that tough point of being this tired mom with little ones, grab an actual day and then here's dad she knows okay we all know yet it is so hard to be intentional when you have a lot of children and you are just me. I had a range of from like 15 all the way down to like four and their older now that I just was being pulled from every direction and then when we come home. Husband would come home. It was easy for me to not see what he had been doing all day trying to provide.

And so it was also easy for me just to be short with him and to just not appreciate him when he would come home. What is for us. Dad's husband's words that come from help us better understand because it we've all experienced it is not a guilt thing, but when you step to the door and mom's tired and all those kinds of things. But it's the shortness it's what you think yourself as the husband euro while what happened.

You know sometimes it's 2 feet in the house, sometimes 10 feet but certainly by about 50 feet you get it yeah yeah I think it's just you feel so extended from doing the cooking to the laundry to meeting emotional needs, disciplining all of the things that go with parenting and actually I was kind of jealous that my husband didn't have to do all that stuff you just kind of escape.

I looked at right as an escape and go to work hurt you know you feel bad didn't upset it really made me feel upset. I felt like I was taking most of the responsibility of raising children because he was gone so much when in reality he's such a good husband and I was just overlooking and not keeping in mind his part of what you know there has to be unity in your marriage and so you have to appreciate the differences that you talk about winning as a team. Yes, just when I think winning is recognizing the difference of what husband is called versus what you as a wife, are called to you and then as a mom and dad as well and winning I think is just it's recognizing that your team but let me ask you your husband your little frustrated because you didn't feel that he was providing spiritual leadership of the home.

Okay every wife. I know my husband did you write and if there's male listeners in the audience. He told me whenever because he would work and he would say you're doing important job of that surgery would say that to me and I think if you're a guy listening and your wife. Maybe she works for me. She stays home. Whatever it is she still needed when getting up in the moment with the throwing up baby or whatever just to encourage her that you see her doing an important job is the eternal eternal job yet it's the spirit of mutual love my husband to tell me that, but I had to the I had a really rough childhood right which as you can imagine, I had some rough teenage and early 20s, and I made some mistakes and things that I did not desperately did not want my children repeating sure fearful. I was so afraid of my kids doing what I did and it really was it feared it drove me correct and I hate that I have that part my story, but God worked it out, but my husband so I was desperate like Crystal not having a mom and so I thought want to go to every moms conference I went. When here.

It was amazing. It was it was okay and I went all's I would fly to other state, single moms conferences at every conference and the women here this message so much in conferences and things that your husband needs to be reading the Bible to your kids, your husband needs to be the one leading the spirit. The family spiritually which is so true. But what if he doesn't know how are you all day.

Maybe he's busy all day and he doesn't have time to think about it. Succumb something I owe. I was supposed to do something and so we would get in big fights because I felt I really feel this way like a woman. So were trying to learn how to be a submissive wife I would get back spoken over us a lot which is important to be submissive, but we don't were only supposed to read the Bible. Are we allowed to read the Bible you know, under his authority right but I'm so thankful for God's grace and that he showed me how to be my husband's helper and I think that is moms. This is what we could do is for me and my home, everybody's different. My cousin was busy during the week and so what we would do is on Sunday morning we would I would make a big breakfast and everybody would get up because it was pancakes and bacon and then my husband would read his own voice he would do voices like when Saul would try to throw the spear David and he was always in this range of a tight laugh about it. We always missed and it was fun but I set the stage. I would get the kids at a bad heart it became and now that's good helper.

Some say that one of the most helpful things for mobsters to find community sure so moms or are you kidding I mean I can get out of the house so that's probably part of the first question I like best is how you do that when you got so much going on why your mom friendship so important on that should make time to find those mom connections and use the excuse that I can find the time. What's the benefit I'm reminded of just the first. I was just reading this week that is all it still today. We need to be encouraging one another and I don't know about you guys but I need encouragement so bad.

No man encourage a mom what another mom yes I mean that's true you commiserate you encourage each other. Sometimes another person is going to see the good in your child that you're not seeing they're going to have something for you a word for you that you needed and you know if nothing else, it's lonely to be a mom that's it's a lonely job it in. I can't say no we're talking about marriage before but you know, a lot of times you can feel invisible like the work that you do.

Nobody season and where kids might see a little bit but yeah they don't even know the truth get in that context. One of the occasional situations you I would encounter is I could say no it's okay it's knocking to be a long lasting thing with Trent or Troy. She would hear.

But if you called her girlfriend and I would I had to settle down on that and I had to stop saying did my say that you learned about your tongue a little, but I think there is a special connection.

There's like the ears open up a little wider once mom the mom rather than husband to walk and then the same. The days are long but the years are short and I just wrote a thing down the other day and I like the days are so long like they are so long and you need that person that understands I read this thing one tenant said you know is the husband and he came home from work and he said how was your day honey, and this mom described her day and she said it was the best say it was the worst day and it is the roller coaster ride that you write is so intense and so having that person that understands that makes social roots different. How do you do it, what advice you have for that mom who's isolated right now. What can she do to get into community to find some other moms club for moms is that we go deep with each other. We study the word together. We have fun. We train our kids to know Jesus and were going in churches and some joint help or find a friend to pray with Mary Jo, and I pray together.

Crystal my I have real and I pray together. My so many women we pray together over the phone and that's a big thing. How close we pray together but you have to take the time and the energy and asked the Lord to bring your friend asked the Lord to help you. A friend that's like my like-minded that's so important to have the careful right you do have to be careful because sometimes the belief system that other people have may not be exactly what you are wanting to make you more patient mother and N2's attempts you have to be brave to ask you have to get up and say I need help.

I tell you I told somebody before he will you be my friend. Literally as an I've asked people love to get to what year ago I asked this lady. She's in leadership at this ministry and can I please be your friends and people that friend that let me let me in here we've got through the second great material.

Mom, do everything you suggested they should do a better place if they do, but when your kids grew up and left home you had that startling realization about your own identity and I think this is a great boss question describe that time in your life and how you turned your depression around so I was very my daughter is getting married. My son was in college I had really worked hard on my children and I worked in ministry and I didn't know where to go sell you walking know it was walking out the door and I was going come back.

The ones that you don't want to retire from doing and so I thought I felt like the Lord really helped me as a very dark time is honestly the darkest time in my life was after being an empty Nestor new empty Nestor, I feel for those moms that have grown kids all pray with Jean when she gets older. Write about their 70 very I just can't explain it, but God is so good I just can't say that enough. And if you can't help but I'll clubs are very, very like this. Just come be with us all together.

Jesus is the only one that has it all together and so we we don't judge each other.

We don't gossip we love one another. Everything in my life and not my group, and an array pray for everything.

So if you're feeling lost in you, there is a threat you can join pray and pray and pray for the sake you like this to help mom's particularly with the rise to the Lord. We so enjoyed having Devon Crystal and Mary Jo as well as the entire studio audience along with us earlier this year as we recorded before the pandemic began that's true. John and I mention this yesterday but I want to remind your listeners about our free counseling consultations that we offer your Focus on the Family one single mom called us during the height of the pandemic and said she was completely overwhelmed.

She had to work long hours under kids school was closed.

This mom was connected with one of our counselors who prayed with her and helped her brainstorm childcare options and also gave her ideas for keeping your kids on track with their online school. The mom think the counselor profusely and set it helps so much of the counseling team is they have such great hearts there so committed and your problem isn't too big or too small so please if you're struggling reach out our donors take care of the cost of these counselors being there for you so it's never a cost to you for that initial call are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or you find a counseling request form.

The link is in the episode notes and if you feel like you're missing something in your day-to-day relationship with God and your kids. I highly recommend you get a copy of the book the help club for mall and I really appreciate how practical this book is Jim. It's got that list of 25 simple ways to have fun with your kids that crystal mention blessed yes and if you'd be willing to become a monthly support or focus is the most helpful type of support you can give. I want to send you a copy of the health club for mom's as our way of saying thank you again. Call 800 K word family to donate or click the link in the episode shown on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ