Simple Steps to Improve Your Marriage

But the thing is that God has a beautiful marriage for every couple is willing to do things his way and the thing is, people look at a wonderful marriage and the thing while the couple got lucky development backwards and just had a great marriage but that's just not the case.

A wonderful marriage comes out, of making many many everyday choices that say I love you, rather than choices and say I love me that Matt Jacobson is our guest today on Focus on the Family along with his wife Lisa and I'm John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author gender page on our goal focus.

As you know, and we all know is to help strengthen marriages. Let's make a good marriage. Great, basically because those of us who claim Christ as a testimony to people who are watching us and we want that witness to be as strong as possible.

We want to honor the Lord in our marital relationships and I'm telling you it's not always easy, right from my mouth Jean and I don't always do it well. We can get on each other's nerves are shot, I'm yeah just this morning we had an awful morning reading the word together. It's so fun. If you're experiencing kind of the clunking this and need a tuneup this program. Today's going to be for you.

If you're experiencing more serious issues and we have Karen Christian counselors, we want you to call.

We have a wonderful program called hope restored with an 80% post to your success rate for those marriages that are really experiencing no dramatic stress potential even divorce.

And we are there for you at that level as well you would like to invite you to call us if that says something you need 800 K in the word family and as I mentioned Matt and Lisa Jacobson are with us and they host a podcast called faithful life. Matt is a teaching pastor and together they write and speak on topics of marriage, parenting, and Christian living in today would be highlighting the couple books that the written 100 ways to love your husband and the companion called 100 ways to love your wife. We have both of those in stock. I just stop by the website link is in the episode notes they met Lisa. Welcome to Focus on the Family Greg now. First of all, 100 were not going to cover all hundred, but it's pretty daring to put out 100 ways you can improve your marriage, both from husband's perspective, and I wife's perspective. How did you guys negotiate this well actually we just thought it was good round number story of how I got started last how began wise. We were on a coffee date. Just holding hands, enjoying the sweet moment and Mary Taft about 25 years of marriage and I looked over him. I said you know it's this moment that is really made out of so many other little choices that are made over time and a lot of time to talk about the big things. Imagine is important to let so much of magic, even if in the small choices that you can make each day and find you sitdown right out with 100 things you think went into our loving marriage and onto the scene with a look and he says no, it's just to keep an authentic Seeley came up with literally how it started.

He went over to his corner with his coffee and I went to Miami to started writing and then eventually shared our notes and it became a book on the one hand you must have a passion for writing because I do know about your job. Jean said okay go right hundred days later, but first of all, that sounds a little so how did your response and will actually we have been involved with a lot of couples over the years and what is in this book.

These books really are the things that we have employed in our marriage.

So were literally sharing the things that we've done in our marriage for other marriages to employ so a lot of it really was and I don't want to make it comfortable that we walk on water.

We don't because Lisa doesn't agree with everything I say. That happened right from the start that is rude awakening.

But the thing is that God has a beautiful marriage for every couple who is willing to do things his way and the thing is, people look at a wonderful marriage and they say wow that couple got lucky, they fell backwards and just had a great marriage but that's just not the case. A wonderful marriage comes out, of making many many everyday choices that say I love you, rather than choices that say I love me wow that is profoundly said honestly Lisa you alluded to this, but I want grab a couple of examples in terms of those small things that make marriage is so strong.

I'm kind of envisioning and some of you might feel this is trite, but it's kind like weaving cloth together right with the strands of that a single thread, you can snap easily, but when you weave something together. There strengthen that and I hear you saying that that is not the big dramatic moment. The big breakthrough of the those are great. It's the little things give us examples of what those little things are concretely well.

For example, this is a small thing, but has a powerful impact on your marriage and this is just husband. I'm talking the wise now just lighting and giving and that Lucky did when you were dating. Just that. Hey, here he comes later.

Second hearing through the microphone people women are saying are you serious I am very light up on yeah I make a point of lighting up if I can't take a story of how this became obvious to me that this is what I need to do so.

Matt and I were out on kind of a lunch date and I was mother of many small children and I was tired and I was just you doing that kind of thing just venting with him and patiently listening to me while while we were talking right at that at a mall go for my walk by and I jumped up and just let happen and we just got Chris a few minutes and I went back to my my date and said just really kinda quietly said no. I wish you would do that for me to what he said unjustly.

You find out that warm smile for your friends. I was so convicted right then and there that you know I have left off at getting out with you and you should have that friend will let me ask you about that because I think when you live with somebody you married to somebody you get very comfortable. Sometimes you see a different side of a person in that intimate relationship were you together everyday eating dinner together every night everything and then the other girlfriend comes by all the light up and all that is wrong to expect that kind of happiness that you're showing a friend.

I agree that it's right but I guess I'm asking the question, how do couples get there.

How do you think about doing that absolutely will. It is wrong to fall into that pattern. This is what life does it. It gives us so busy, the noise of our lives. The busyness of our lives gives us so distracted that we wind up just come to getting this right putting her head down and plowing this referral of the next thing that needs to be done forgetting that the most important relationship will ever have this side of heaven is the person that God said you are one and so one of the things that we like to remind people I certainly like to remind men about is that just take a moment and ask yourself when did your wife stop desiring to be desired. Never see that way you kissed her on your wedding day, or maybe even months leading up in the months right after. When did she stop wanting to be kissed with that kind of passion and that kind of desire never see this is something that we need to remember and she is an important valuable individual that your job is to pursue and to cherish, and so that responsibility didn't change just because a few years went by so date your wife before, during and after the wedding. After the children, after the go off to college to pursue your wife in that pursuit isn't just a pursuit for sex. That's a pursuit for her as a valuable person that God has blessed you with. She's never stopped desired desire to hear both of you describing choices. No these are choices that were making or choosing to be intentional about dating a lifework choosing to be intentional about lighting up when my husband comes into the room because it can get really kind of blasé, comfortable, and you don't show that enthusiasm so did you guys have to remind yourselves okay you know that's coming home I got a light up. Sometimes there is something like that. So when I was a mother and I would if I went out to see my kids working all about their noisy and I would take a moment before I walked out my bedroom door and I would say okay Lisa get you happy mom face on because I saw that it was so powerful to my kids and I came out already grumpy if I came out. Hey, good morning.

It's superpowerful, so I'm choosing to do that.

I'm trying to not lie when I damn the same thing in my marriage comes more naturally than others, but there are times Waco she's home and I have to remember I'm excited that he's here and I do love him and we can work out that the thing a little bit later. One of the things that is so critical about this and that we tend to forget about because we just get absorbed in our own life in our own day. We forget that were literally teaching our children what a great marriages teaching them how to do marriage were discipling the hearts of our children.

By the way we interact with each other yet another one that you mention is probably one of the more difficult ones for husbands and that is to stop and listen and sometimes reduce problem-solving. We come to know the statements that are made honey I think you just need to do this this and this and she's not wanting that she's wanting you to hear her heart to tell the story okay so yeah it's funny this is one of those iconic moments in our relationship because I'm a problem solvers who is Nate and after you've spoken for roughly 10.5 seconds after you've spoken for very short period of time. Of course I don't need to listen to completely understand if you just go right in for the salt so one time is rarely marriage but one time I was doing that and she just screamed in my face. She really did, but dim.

Your loving and she said I just want you to know and care how I feel, listen to me right and we look back on that and laugh but it was a moment of revelation for me that listening is the fix not in every case, and not in every couple but I am large listening is the fix making her feel heard goes a long way to making her feel so true and that's a hard cry speak from the woman's perspective why that so critical because I'm series were like hard dirt. We don't understand this at all, isn't the value in this quick discussion solving the problem. Can we just get there. Now you can think that he only knows I'm saying really understand the problem. He does it necessarily not understand, and it pointed me to actually say this out loud to get this out there and get a fuller picture before you start in on the fix and after I sent everything in all that okay now it's ideal. I was with the just listening okay yes if you listened. Now salt so it can be both, but we really do want to feel like you that your hearing ask that you care about how we feel and what were wrestling with her struggling and you know and there's a heart issue thereto relative to the men, your wife wants to feel and believe that you wanted to listen to her. Not that you had to listen to her. So it's not just a matter of checking the box, but your heart actually being engaged with listening because you want to care about her right.

That's what the court should now we can flip the coin a little bit because you had an experience to where I think Matt came home he came up. You're making dinner. You're really being pulled in a lot of different directions but he came up and gave me this wonderful embrace a hug from behind. Just to let you know I'm home. I'm in your corner. It didn't go down so well right well what a beautiful thing you did. Thank you.

I just I want to share. It is very kind of you having not sure about is cooking dinner and he comes behind me just the loving husband think I put his arms around me and all I can think of is trying to get her hair. The kids are all noisy to hungry everybody's falling apart and you know you're taken as limited to the lovey-dovey thing and I was neatly connected that when I thought okay Lisa, you got a man his wrapped his arms around you and really you're going to shrug them off terrible. I just turn the stove off and I turned around and leaned back into what got in my head and I did. And boy right then and there. The whole kitchen caught on fire. I kids are like, well, what's with mom and dad.

That's one of the joys of sick you know my being. So task focused and so you know what's going on really practical. Lisa, I mean I'm thinking a gene with head similar experiences may be more than one in that way. And you know she's a scientist that's her background so she's really focused on the beaker you know 14 mL of oil have to go into that whatever you so on behalf of those women who maybe have that disposition. How do they flip that switch like you did again you're making great choices all the time. It's amazing talk to the woman who's not made those great choices and is somewhat perturbed right Institute. There's a woman side and doesn't want to get it done girl. So you're right. I am can be very task focused, and then on the other hand, I think I will likely have a more romantic relationship. Don't plant me my levy. Why does he hold my hand like connecting to nothing Because you rejected him. Shy Dragon has to be at the right time to go cost me to just stop right now and communicate a little love and no I did not cost me but I did feel that passion right then and there happened just by giving it a second or two, and this really does go back to that issue of making a choice that says I love you, rather than a choice that says I love me. So that means that were kind of ebbing and flowing with each other through the day and being mindful of where the other person is that there's a beautiful verse in the word that says live with your wife. According to knowledge, and that means I make a study of this woman.

I'm mindful of who she is.

I think about her personality and so I interact with her in a way that is according to who she is as a person. According to knowledge and our guest today on Focus on the Family. Are Matt and Lisa Jacobson, and they've written a couple books 100 ways to love your husband in 100 ways to love your wife get in touch with us here at Focus on the Family to get your copies. Donate. As you can as well number is 800 the letter a in the word family and I will have details in the episode notes as well. Let me ask you Matt you thought you were being a super husband by getting the dishes done helping out with chores. I'm here you are doing all the tasks that need to be done.

You and Jean need to debate has a list thank you you thought you were done and what Hassan sounds wonderful. Well, I actually had seen a lot of marriages that I didn't want that. I thought you know what when I get married I am to be super husband and so so he's here. This should work out really well and so I was doing all sorts of things. And if I could vacuum if I could fold clothes. If I could help with the laundry.

I just did everything that I thought would bless my wife and she's over there washing a dish and then she sets it down in the car almost breaks it right and it's a good thing. Towels don't break because she threw that in the corner some attitude I'm getting some fire flames in the flames once coming out of her eyes. Yeah, they were put in my direction. I'm going what he is doing everything. What more can I do hold the line. Lisa what was not been done.

Fold laundry. Laundry want to get out of this apartment. I just want to be a woman and go to coffee and have an adult conversation had little once the time. So that's what I was longing for Saul.

This chore staff I could do that while she got right is so easy and I was doing all is no I wasn't thinking that way, thanks for the help right so she literally was just wanting me to want her right again you wife never stopped desiring to be desired. She wanted me to want her and part of that was saying let's step away from all the normal stuff and let's go have a cup of coffee is amazing that just focusing on your wife being genuinely interested in her as a person can turn any cup of coffee and Lisa get a girlfriend. I think in the book you mention this the was jealous of your marriage. That's what we talked about at the open. I mean that's the way the testimony of our marriage should be that people see them go Bob. How come we don't have that marriage right it's a good thing. I think Christian should be displaying what it means to have knowledge of your spouse and to love your spouse in this part of the experience, spiritually, emotionally, physically, but yet a girl from the set. I'm jealous. What was that about what she saw that I spent a lot of time with Natalie together just doing all kinds of things at home may be running errands together and she had ever saw has been.

He's working all the time and she just felt lonely in her marriage and so she's confessed that she felt Allison and she blamed her husband entirely on the state of the relationship and I just said I said about to be honest I pursue my husband I seeking out and I'm willing to take have to be out to dinner date. If he's ready to hardware store joke about having dog food dates because it had run to the grocery store to pick up dog food and I think my come if the kids would take care of her and I jump in and I was was an exciting, but I got that 15 minutes to the store and back to just having me so those little things and dealt up to that relationship that we were enjoying but it wasn't just him inviting me. It was myself, inviting one of the things that happens often is and you not want to be hard on the wife's but it's sometimes easy to think that you're the one that has the feelings in the relationship, and your husband doesn't he might be expressive or demonstrative relative to how he's feeling, but he has deep and strong feelings about the relationship and that business of pursuing that business of reaching out that business of being interested in that matters so much and if he feels like he's been shut down if he feels like what he does has been diminished in a comment in any way.

It shuts him down.

Okay you mentioned shopping a couple of times. I'm sad to say I finally learned a good lesson. Jean and I were, I think the boys went skiing and we did feel like skiing and so we just took the day off and we are down in Frisco and Jean want to go shopping. Some think to myself, okay, be intentional to be into shopping which is really hard for me because I'm a bagger you go and you know what you want to get a graph okay and so I'm this so that we go to the first shop shop is only like 30 foot wide and 50 foot deep second stop it's there so we going it was looked at everything and I was like I'm committed I'm smiling and grinning like fun way to do this in the next job we had about five ships to go so I said you know what Jean here's women do. Let me just go ahead of you.

See what shops are down the street so I went at each one and I picked out three or four items. I thought you would like. I hung them with the permission of the clerk.

I hung them in the dressing room offices yeah okay what I mean. What was great is she literally sheep accepted like half of what I picked out, which I thought was pretty good. It's a D-, but you know but literally she bought several blouses and couple sweaters I picked out and it was good because it made me feel like efficient find out about the motive may not of been pure, but the outcome was. I don't know that sounds really great. I did the exact same thing when we're shopping to do that very thing epic stuff out for this so much faster cage on the hook. I actually backfill like I wander away and then I pay attention to what she's looking at and then when she's not looking at swoop in and buy something that she was looking well is better than the first time I tried to buy her something which was a dress she wore.

Once we've a photograph of her in the dress once and then she gave it away because it was like so not her. It was it was a total know is that knowledge that you build up his right. Let's hit this issue right at the end here were not a lot of time but words matter.

I think for me that's probably the weapon of choice if I could set that way. And if there's discipline that I have to continue to struggle with. It's kind of using my words in a way that are sarcastic or just cutting your you know just sometimes it's humorous but not to her.

You know, and I think it's funny. I'm laughing she's not laughing so speak to the importance that your words carry weight. They do they do you know what all of us bring into marriage a set of filters that are based on a childhood experience that we had in the home that we grew up in, and again that's part of the knowledge base understanding you aware that a person came from but this business of making a joke at your wife's expense. You know you can get a little chuckle out of it and she might chuckle go with that. But what you're doing is you're closing the door of her heart. Sarcasm poisons your relationship and it's just nothing but cutting somebody else down making a snide remark about something and all of it is I was just joking but you know I like jokes that are at your own expense. Tell her tell those jokes but never ever speak in a sarcastic manner with your wife.

It does nothing but closer heart and a woman never slams the door of her heart in one moment she closes it incrementally over time and men find out. Once that door is closed. Getting it open takes of God so you don't close the door of your wife's heart with sarcasm. There's nothing good there's nothing fruitful that comes up that's powerful statements and I hope husbands are hearing that really clearly and maybe some wives that also you sarcasm to get their points across but let's close with the story have about a couple in Georgia who were on the brink of the horse right story and it really. Some people are listening that this will speak to very loudly absolutely well we got this email from out of the blue and this woman says hey I'm ready for California.

Don't from California, but I just left. I want you to want to tell you my story and she said we had a terribly rocky marriage for so long and then we saw your books online. We thought the undies of 100 ways to love your husband hundred ways to love your wife books we thought, and what sort of last-ditch effort, she said, but it took several days for the books to get there and I decided before they arrived that I was done.

So she said I got on the plane I flew to California. She said that was about a month and 1/2 ago and she said that, unbeknownst to me, my husband started reading your book and I could just tell on the phone that he was thinking about me differently. He was speaking to me differently. He was interacting with me differently and all of a sudden I was feeling like actually cared about me as a person.

I felt like he had changed and she said so.

The reason I'm writing you is, I've actually purchased my plane tickets were not getting a divorce. I'm flying back and were going to continue on with our marriage, and she said enemy to read your wife's book, good attitude, but what again what a tremendous testimony to the power of you know the content that you put in these two great books 100 ways to love your wife hundred ways to love your husband that is what it's about.

And again, with the purpose of being a good disciple of Christ starts right there doesn't and with your family. So were grateful for you putting this together and I know our listeners are going to want to get copies of this and again as we often do, if you can send a gift of any amount will send you these books is our way of saying thank you if you can afford it will send them to you just get in touch with us were in a trust that others will cover the cost of that because we believe in developing your marriage and helping you and equipping you to have all the resources you need to do. Well, you know, Matt, Lisa can write it and they can live it, but they can't live it for you.

You've got to embrace it, understand it become fictional about it and have the want to to do these things. So if you're in that spot get hold of us.

Yeah, that's right. This pair books by the Jacobson's is a great resource and you can make a donation today and get your copy of 100 ways to love your wife and 100 ways to love your husband both books, call 800 the letter a in the word family or click the link in the episode notes for more and then be sure to take a few moments to complete our free online marriage assessments. Think about a million people now taken that it'll give you a great idea of what's going well in your marriage and maybe an area or two that you and your spouse can work on that assessment and more in the episode notes that Lisa, thank you so much for being with this. It was a lot of fun even though it's a delicate topic so well expressing your thoughts. Thank you and honored to be here and once again, let us know how we can help. 800 K on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ and I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just did not affix. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive.

We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselor said of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today