Game-Changing Marriage and Money Insights

Diane Jim Daly before we start the broadcast. Today I want to remind everyone about her special pro-life digital premier sea life 2020 coming up this Saturday, September 26 at 8 PM Eastern time you watch it on the Focus on the Family Facebook page or other digital outlets.

Again that's at 8 PM this Saturday as many of you will remember we were in Times Square last year for a huge pro-life event. We plan to show everyone alive for the ultrasound of the baby and people try to stop us. The owners of the Jumbotron's in time square wooden leases the space so we brought in our own screens and when everyone saw the video of a live baby in the womb. It was a divine moment. People were silent. The protesters dropped their jaws and their signs. Many had never seen this before the miracle of life. Well, God is continuing to bless our efforts to promote sea life 2020.

This year we been running a video spot called will lie on Fox news. It's about a pre-born child contemplating her future.

This powerful spot will air on Chris Cuomo show on CNN tomorrow night. That's right, CNN and CNN isn't friendly to the pro-life message, but thanks to the generosity of some Focus on the Family friends will be showing the world how much God values precious pre-born life right there on CNN.

Can I ask you to pray for the people who will see that spot. In fact, if you haven't seen it.

Check it out on my blog and then finally, please plan to join us on Saturday night September 26 at 8 PM Eastern first sea life 2020. For the most part I believe that I handle my money well do I handle my money will and word no now I don't handle many have a spending problem.

So after time management. Many well I'm learning to do that money tends to be slippery. It goes places and I don't realize it's leaking and going places write checks will baby those comments reflect some of the challenges going on in your marriage and home. It is funny to laugh about our differences.

But what if your spouse handles money away the drives you crazy today on Focus on the Family were and explore how husbands and wives navigate financial issues and what kind of impact that has on your marriage, your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, Jen.

I think those giggles were kind of nervous giggles that you think when you talk about the issue of money it can bring up some nerves because it's not handled that well by many. It's one of the top two things we talk about intimacy and marriage and money, and marriage are kind of the two biggest issues people face and that man we are going to get into that today and talk about how you can manage it better and honor the Lord in the way you manage it that we know the finances are important and we need to talk about it but there can be that angst and tension. Whenever the topic comes up and maybe you feel defensive about it and it ends up as an argument or you'd rather avoid getting into that argument. So you just don't say anything. That's what were talking about and that trust me, I think many of us have been there at some point or another. I know it's been the experience of our guest today and that's why they're here, they written a book about it. Much of it from their own experience, which is always good.

So I think what they're trying to say is were not perfect, but we've learned some things and that applies to everybody of table. I think your Jim. None of us were so glad to have Jeff and Chante felt on here in the studio. They've been with us a number of times and shot is a very popular speaker, author and social researcher Jeff is the president and CEO of a tech company and they've written a book called thriving in love and money five game changing insights about your relationship your money and yourself, and will encourage you to check out the book by clicking the link in the episode notes Jeff and Chante welcome back to Focus on the Family. It's great to be always good to be here all right. You've done this extensive research project on this topic of money and marriage to get to three years. Something like a long time. You know that's almost out of diapers. I would think there is a lot of research yet in doing it. You notice that he had some personal challenges so it's funny when researchers notice that I got a problem in my own marriage here all.

So what happened, what was the lightbulb. When did you go oh, you know, we studied relationships in couples than ourselves.

All sorts for decades now, but this was one area that we just weren't on the same page about it you know when it came to how to handle money. Quite frankly, Chante and I just avoided it altogether and just really avoided the topic. We kind did one of those things that we have now found that is the majority of couples where you're technically like you do your thing over here and I'll do my thing over here and we just don't talk about it at will, for the benefit of the listener. The viewer describe your money personality Jeff, what were you what are you yeah I'm kind of a black-and-white release date.

Think of myself as that way. Chante might think of myself as elevation. I like the planning for the future.

I love having a plan and executing toward it, and savor and that you had that happen to follow. Yeah, I sent.

I know this is going you don't like much of a plan and a sale is a good thing.

Yes, now it's really interesting because Jeff being the savor meeting more the spender. This is a classic dichotomy, she wasn't a huge spender image, but she'd spent more than I did with the fact that you didn't talk about it suggests that that it never became kind of catastrophic bubble in their majority of couples come to find out is that where we knock down drag out fighting out there are few who do most of us just on the same page. We found 77% of couples just don't talk about it like I can't talk and communicating without getting awkward and difficult. Only 23% can't, and finally thickness point out the 23% of you who are listening and you like Christ talk we think of you all as sort of mutants don't understand you but I do know that that cadre exists one of the questions I had. What in the 23%. Did you see in the research if you went that deep. What were they doing that was so right. Well, one of the things that well the thing that they were doing. It is for a subset of the population they just kind have no either no disagreements, which is unusual or just okay with talking about money doesn't stir up a lot of emotions doesn't become awkward. It's just their personality just happened to have. For example, to play nurse who are married to each other. Now that you give me an things grow well in that area. It's going to be good but they'll probably be other areas that might other anything is probably exactly at one of the things that always got me as we were uncovering this research and the importance of being able to talk about. It was easy to say but what that really amounts to is that I have to actually understand what's going on inside of me so that I can actually talk about it. You know why easily or carefully or helpfully with Chante and I understand the way money hit me and made me feel differently from the way it made Chante feel and that's really the bottom line that we found is at the core of the inability to communicate about money. It turns out it's not when you're having tension.

It's not about the money. Write about how money makes you feel something underneath. What are the risk factors if they don't start thinking differently about it. What are those that you know if you're talking to a doctor.

An ice cream is a risk factor here and have heart disease most likely so in the money area for the 77% if they don't start dealing with this.

What are those risk factors. Well, what ends up happening. We found a set. It ends up shaking people apart. Consider bringing them together because all around this topic of many.

This is an example of one of those cases where you're going in one of those two directions and it is a classic thing that we talk you talk about that marriage is supposed to be one that were supposed to have two people become one. And money is the one area for a lot of couples where it just doesn't apply and people are resisting kind of being one in marriage and it's coming out how to handle money and some of those choices to not talk about it are those choices to actually institutionalize this is you and me.

It's not we and when you switch back and go wow this is actually way more simple than I would have thought to be able to understand what's going on underneath the surface to be able to actually come together suddenly money is no longer an opportunity for conflict. It's this fantastic opportunity for connection and close. Let me let me throw this out there again for the listener in the viewer. Because this caught my attention. You said that in the research that if you share separate bank accounts that you keep your money separate what he makes what she makes and you negotiate all the time about his plan for what your marriage is likely to be twice at risk. Yes, twice as much at risk. Is that fair that range that is essentially what we found is that the happiness factor in marriage, sort of, that that enjoyment is that if you're not being one year, twice as likely to not have a sense of being happy in marriage because this is one of these things that we interface with every single this is something that you can't get away from money like permeates everything and I think one of the challenges for most of that 77% is that we kind of all learned how to just cope with this.

So it's one of those things that we almost don't even recognize that were coping.

We've learned how to just get along by as Chante says, institutionalizing some things. This is way you do things. This is the way I do things, but it isn't oneness.

It isn't thriving in your relationship and what happens is I then begin to build up these assumptions about Chante that she's just this way taken to the extreme. I can have that assumption be. She's just got a character flaw in this area. She's just wrong and that running is what it does run through my mind, it comes out in some way it comes out for anyone who recognizes this dynamic which is probably the majority of people it comes out in the little guy rolls or the feeling that no one person is feeling shame or embarrassment. The other person is feeling a sense of superiority. Sorry it that way of looking at you and because this is a con Carmen dynamic and one of the things that we found in that if you're going to get kind of what's underneath. And if you're going to try to address it and have that really abundant relationship around money that we are actually a believer supposed to have it really comes down to recognizing that some of these cases it's not that one person is right any other person is wrong. We are just different.

Let's get to a simple illustration of this.

You had a Diet Coke example in original what so had a Diet Coke informed me about your money. This was years and years before we ever did any of this research forever writing any book we were newlyweds were newlyweds living in New York. We had a huge amount of student loan debt. I worked at a big law firm in New York and Chante worked on Wall Street. I worked all the time, but we tried to carve out at least one or two nights a week where we would get dinner together and then go back to the office. Of course, but as we were sitting down having dinner. Chante, the waiter would come by and Chante would go. He asked for the drink order and she had order a Diet Coke and I would, of course, order water because water's free how insensitive it would be a little annoyed didn't necessarily know why, but you know kind of get overwritten. The meal would go on and then the waiter would always come by the end of the meal and say can I get you anything else to which at that time should say can I have another Diet Coke and of course anyone who lives in New York knows that there is no such thing as a free refill had sold course that's now Satan nine bucks between two Diet Coke's.

I'm adding that up every time thinking she really doesn't care about our student loan debt. So how did you list all I just shut down okay.

Just be annoyed and she didn't know what was going on. She knew that I was upset almost every meal when it ended, and I didn't know why I was really upset because that was all kind of going on underneath the surface inside of me and it wasn't honestly into leased the bunk and doing this research that we were able to sort of talk back and sort of re-engineer, reverse engineer, and back to what we originally talked about at the time. Months later was I was finally able to say what it what it is and this is again the newlywed years we did notice that each other.

He didn't know at the time that I actually don't like the taste of water, and I know it's weird. I'm one of these people I just don't like the taste of water, and so I don't enjoy a meal out. If I can't have something to drink, but I think water technically is tasteless but I guess you're weird and there's a few of them to the same about asparagus well the thing for us that we wouldn't know if we had talked about it is that this is just an example of the fact that we were valuing two different things. And this is a con man daily source of friction for a lot of couples. They don't realize that what's going on the surfaces you're just not valuing the other person is valuing you kind of think of your way said consciously is just being kind of right like this is, of course, this is just the way you do it you don't realize a different person to that they might value something different and I think most people there watching or listening have a Diet Coke illustration. I hope that on YouTube or Facebook or somehow you let us know what your Diet Coke is on. Think of something in our relationship type up the comments okay this is Focus on the Family with Julie.

Our guests are Jeff and Chante felt on and I were talking about their book thriving in love and money got it. Of course, check the episode notes for more shots again in the research you found. Five. What you termed insights that really stuck out for your for the healthier side of this. One of those five insights well it's essentially what are those things that are running under the surface right what are the things that either because you have that conflict or lack of connection, or once you're aware of them are the things that allow you to go – I just didn't realize this about my else and you grow so much closer, and use five again, which is can we run through the absolutely so the first one that we cover is this concept of you just don't valuing with the other person's right leg. Like the Diet Coke example. You just don't realize that's what's underneath the surface and percent of cases and by the way, that doesn't have to just be the Diet Coke that can be things like you. You value differently about spending money to save time like Jeff always would drive him nuts when she would we want to go out to a movie with the family and she would go online in order the tickets online and pay a service fee so that we could reserve the seats and that was extra money in my mind because you know you just get there early you stand in line you get the seats you want anyway for her standing in line when she could pay two bucks per ticket was about trade-off. She would make him every day of the week. In addition to the jumbo Diet Coke so that's an example of those value differences. There are so many of them and know enough time to cover them here, but the next topic that we covered actually. Also, in addition to valuing different things. We also don't realize that we actually have different insecurities and different fears and worries around money being big deal, then the big insight, at least for me and one was that we use money to calm those insecurities. But one of the big problems is by me using money to calm my particular insecurity.

It's often making her insecurity worse. Her anxiety or worry were so that's a revelation.

Actually that way there's your yelling money to medicate you emotionally, either by saving ridiculously or spending ridiculously. That's a problem right there.

So how do you come together and say timeout were doing something wrong. The most important thing is to realize that these fears are actually there in your self and your spouse mostly Lehman realize that this actually was one of the few areas in the research that turned out to be pretty strongly correlated with gender.

Most of the stuff in the research was not gender related at all like as opposed to maybe what stereotypes are men and women are equally likely to be. For example, savers or standers, for example. But when it came to these fears, the fear of man. Statistically, was much more likely to be this level worry am I going to be able to provide for the family like this feeling like I'm always good to be on the edge of not being able to and constantly in the back of their mind that was more than two thirds of man in previous surveys see the higher number and so because of that there is a real need to try to stay away from that, like okay so I'll work a lot of extra hours so the boss sees me as indispensable. Like that's a way of getting right like that of saying I'm going to do whatever I can text to that fear.

Well guess what that takes you away from home right so your wife now is going but were distant were not spending time together, you're missing Johnny's basketball games. And so it triggers what is more likely statistically to be the one in sphere where a guy is wondering am I gonna be able to provide. She is more likely be wondering, are we okay like it's a family occasion emotional healing love to know that emotional security and so what a woman statistically is more likely to do is okay so we spend more time together. Let's go bowling. Let's go out to dinner.

Let's spend time with going vacation will guess what that cost money. And so it triggers more of his need. Okay now I need to work more hours to provide and so those things we do to try to soothe our fears can without intending to make our partners fears worse. We just have to be able to talk about those that can assure a quick little example of how it would play out in our family, so when our kids were little and invariably some night of the week. One of the kids would wander into our bedroom and say my throat kind of sore, to which Chante would immediately go into the mode of tomorrow, we gotta get them to the pediatrician and get a strep test. Now we're self-employed. We know we don't have typical health insurance. So what that would mean is that I'm already adding up thinking we go get a strep test that's gonna be 100, $250 out of pocket out of the last 10 strep tests have come up negative so I'm thinking I want to take a wait-and-see approach. Let's see if they get worse. Chante is thinking know I gotta figure this out now because it's an anxiety it's care for my kids. Honestly, I would go to her and I would try to use this example nuts. I look pioneer children didn't run off to the Peter person every time that they had a sore throat like what's a better example. But the bottom line is I could put that out of my mind because my worry was how we can pay for this or worry was something totally what's interesting to again were talking gender but I tend to be more like shock more like okay it's kind of funny.

You were like the doctor she's I why this and this is Jim honestly of the fact that that's why we have to be super careful. We talked about this because if two thirds of people felt this way.

That means one third didn't write in that it split the key is to be able to talk about it if you talk with what's going on under the surface, and I think maybe I waited too long to insert this question, but the Lord and where is God in all this.

How do you honor him near just treading water so you don't and Christian marriage is particularly you just don't want to survive what we say everyday John we want to thrive in Christ.

I guess right at the end here. How do we do that how do we increase our communication what of those things that are rooted in biblical principle to say okay under some different today honey and what you do that's different. One of the key things that you can do that is totally different is for you to examine where are you in your oneness around money and because we all know that were supposed to be two people become one.

And yet when it comes to this topic often were not. We found that was the case for more than 80% of people lives is that there is a significant issue of some kind where your thinking of this as more of a coping is more about you. Do you think I do my thing and for example there were kind of people. Almost half of people. Christians are not even work keeping separate bank account so that they didn't have to talk about money like your paycheck goes and years. My paycheck goes into mine and it just keeps it easy like you pay these bills I pay these bills. We don't have to come together now. Some of the folks listening this are going with me. You know we share bank account software one.

Okay, maybe you are, but maybe ask yourself, do you ever try to pull the Amazon package off the front step before your spouse is just as much of trying to avoid being wine and doing what you want to do as people separate their accounts entirely and that is not the oneness God has for us.

We have to be willing to examine our own feelings and actions around whether we are trying to institutionalize oneness the way God asked us to or not yet. And I think it system is exactly what Chante saying it's humility. I may not be right on everything that I perceive or think about and I may have things to learn about myself and things to learn about my spouse and the thing is with the research and the principles that we were able to uncover through it.

The work will help you if you are a nonbeliever you can apply those things and they will improve your relationship around money interest.

But as believers we also have the Holy Spirit in our marriage with us and honestly with that humility with that asking God to help show you what is it inside of me that's causing me to feel the sweat and realize I had some core route or reason for it. And what's inside of her. And yes, the Holy Spirit illuminate that into lead you and all truth. I think that's the advantage reset. That's a good place to and where we can start today by sitting down with our spouse and being humble about maybe how I've been looking at money may be the wrong approach and I like Chante what you're saying is so scriptural to start with yourself Mohammed times John we mention that no matter the topic when it comes to marriage.

That's the best place to go, not straightening out your spouse. Let the Lord do that work, but work on yourself because that's all you can control we say that over and over again. Certainly having expectations and hopes for your marriage, etc. if you need help were here to help you and we have here in Christian counselors that can guide you in this discussion process give you more information.

Of course Jeff and Chante's wonderful book thriving in love and money.

Great resource and if you can make a gift of any amount will send it to you as our way of saying thank you and let me tell you we believe in it so much that if you can afford to do that you want to say that Diet Coke money will send you the book to help you in your marriage and in your discussion as our gift to you and working to trust others will cover the cost of the man let's get work and 23% is not enough of the married couples doing wellness area. Obviously the church needs to set the example.

So let's get going on, I might suggest you talk about is a couple getting this book and see what that does. It might surface some issues are number here at Focus on the Family is 800 the letter a in the word family or click the notes and you'll get to the website. Jim, we should mention a couple of things we have the list of five things, summarize that we've talked about here just a little bit.

I would have bet online and then were also going to suggest that people take her marriage assessment. I think almost a million people take is just a very quick survey of where you're at is going to give some great ideas about strengths and weaknesses in your relationship again. Get the book to find a list donate if you can and take that marriage assessment all on our website. Just click the link in the episode notes Jeff and Chante again, thank you for your examples for that humility and that openness it really is helpful to all of us to apply your own. Much thanks. Thanks so much, will thank you for joining us today for this episode of Focus on the Family and you plan to be with us here tomorrow as we hear from a former portion recounts his powerful journey of becoming pro-life and I didn't see a wonderful right to choose, and I didn't see what a great doctor was helping her out. I didn't even see the $800 cash adjustment 15 minutes. All I could see was somebody · on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller putting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ