Cultivating Love in Blended Families (Part 1 of 2)

Parents are. We cannot control but we can continue to reach out and left ultimately Loveland's even if they don't ever know. Warm up to you. They're still going to move into adulthood. Remembering the way you did reach out to them.

That's Dr. Gary Chapman is our guest today on Focus on the Family along with his co-author on deal. I'm John Fuller and her hostess box Pres. and other Jim Daly John ions are people in the audience know someone who has a stepchild and according to recent statistics, 40% of families in the United States are blended families. If you're dating or married with stepchildren, you know, marriage, and a stepfamily comes with its own unique issues you face challenges biological families just don't have to think about like finding your role as a stepparent may be helping. Siblings become comfortable with one another and connecting with adults, stepchildren, you might not see very often. So all that makes it difficult to remember here Focus on the Family we want to help you with those relationships because you want your family to be as healthy as it can be so today I were going to encourage you and provide some tools to cultivate a loving blended home is not easy but you can achieve a sense of unity and your family with faithful love and firm commitment to your spouse and as I mentioned to Dr. Gary Chapman Enron dealer here I Dr. Chapman is the author of the best-selling series. The five love languages and Ron deal is a leading expert on blended families together. They've written the book building love together in blended families. The five love languages and becoming stepfamily smart and course. We've got copies of that here at Focus on the Family. Just call 800 K and the word family neck. I think it's a better people to talk about this subject.

Then both of you.

Welcome to Focus on the Family thank you going to be. We are glad you think you both counsel blended families, and that's just part of a counselors workload today right because there's so many blended families. What are some of the most common challenges you seen with those families often say at the intersection of parenting Street and marriage Avenue in blended families. There's a lot of T-bone collisions, and its parenting matters. In step parenting and coparenting and the complexities around that piece the relationship between stepparent and stepchildren intersects immediately with the marriage and so is something that starts off as a parenting conversation quickly becomes an issue in the marriage. Now that's true in all families okay any couple can expensively get crossways with each other about their raising their children.

But what's different in blended families. As you have so many other layers to the relational dynamics that make this even more complex and it's harder for couples to come together around parenting matters. Therefore it's harder for them to keep their marriage safe and protected, and you have said about because were going really address a lot of the elements you just talked about Ron, one of the things you have been at this table before mentioning is the slow cooker attitude in blended families. I think it's that gold nugget in your presentation on the subject of blended family.

What are you driving at with that slow cooker approach ultimately is looking at expectations when husband wife come together to form a blended family.

One of their common hopes when their common expectations as we love each other.

The families gonna live each other.

Kids are going to feel safe and comfortable in this new home stepparent's gonna come right in and not be a stepparent be a parent and there's a pretty rich and understandable dream there of repairing, restoring what was been lost. Whatever the back narrative is want to fix it, and the families gonna do that and so with that comes a very high expectation that not only will it happen but it will happen quickly and typically it just takes blended families a journey to get to that place where they do feel like family does feel comfortable to be with one another and so what we help them with the slow cooker metaphor. The crockpot metaphor is yeah you can get there, it'll be good to taste someday. But like cooking. With the crockpot it takes hours and crockpot years for the average blended family to really ultimately feel like family. But if you go in with a blender mentality, a microwave mentality of working to cook this sucker fast and it's gonna be great. Never is 11 then you get disappointed and you feel like you're a failure because six months a year year and 1/2 three years.

You go on okay when I get anywhere at my step kids, you still doesn't like me what's wrong with us. None. It's okay. Hang in there right, keep pressing on.

Just like with the crockpot, you will get there but if you quit cooking if you give up on it.

If you feel like a failure and you start saying okay I'm done I don't know how to do this will then everything completely unravels and you stop cooking right that's not good health anymore. Researcher Gary describe the different definitions of love and levels of motivation can complicate relationships in this context, yeah well I think you know we have different ideas of what a loving relationship would look like if you're the parent you've got a mental image of what it's gonna look like when I love the stepchild and the stepchild loves me but the stepchild hasn't totally different idea, probably in terms of what that would look like and many times they're not motivated to love you because they may still be attached to their former mom and her former dad and they're not really ready for what you picture in your mind and your run.

I think what you just described. Most couples, at least that I deal with do go in with the idea that this is gonna be a quick thing. Yes, it's going to really happen, that sounds like an adult attitude you can fix this out. Let's do this and that's the problem right now and that's why think if I understand it might take a few years aside years this to happen, then they're more likely to be patient with the process. It's kind of the equivalent of going back your crockpot and going. It's been two hours.

Come on food what's going on you like a crockpot, a microwave, exactly, can't. It's not an instant pot because that patient's factors really critical so you gotta be patient is willing to say that can be frustrating at times.

I think inpatients can be the root of a lot of problems in marriage and so adjusting your expectations is really helpful.

It's not that you're a failure.

You've done something wrong you. We should have never done this. It's not any of those things it's this is a journey is just a little longer to get there than we thought and we need to continue to press and but do so with a lot of smart, a lot of wisdom, for example, what is patience look like. So for stepparent one application would be that I change my expectation so that if I do something kind for the child. I'm not necessarily living with the hope that the gonna turn right around I loved you with your love language you're gonna love me with my leveling is right.

That's a blender expectation crockpot expectation would be no. I just lead with love and I do what's right by you and I'm praying and holding on that someday you might feel comfortable enough to return yet and I don't mean to be simplistic with this, but you're the adult in the room especially for dealing with younger stepchildren. You need to demonstrate what it means to be unconditionally loving, right, and understand that you brought up the love languages so Gary, whenever you hear having you give us the quick tutorial on the five love languages, a brilliant concept. By the way, the Lord laid in your heart. How many years ago. The book came out. Originally, the original book 1992, and it's so like a bazillion how to do that, but it was it was one of those you know, occasionally, an author really hits the thing that everybody connects to. And people have connected with love languages as you observe something and put it down in writing describe those five love languages. The basic idea is that what makes one person feel loved, will not necessarily like another person, pillow, and that's true, it's a blended family or biological family. And so what we discovered is that there's fundamentally five basic ways to express love own emotional level so that we meet that deep emotional need of adults and children to feel loved one of his words of affirmation notice positive comments about them the way they look something like done anything but you're just giving them positive words. All of us appreciate that, but for some people.

That is what makes them feel loved. Can I ask you a quick question that for a person whose love language is that or any other if you provide the antithesis. Does that cut deeper. Just think of my wife Jane.

She is the word of affirmation person. If I say something negative. It seems to wander so deeply, not even on purpose, and all to say something but is that true so that counter comment can go deeper and wound absolutely hurts them more deeply hurt someone else when that's true. Let's adult whether some child and in stepfamily. This is really important to know that if your child, stepchild was words of affirmation, and you use negative, harsh words, condemning words, it really strikes at that that person just a 1 pound is 10 pounds yeah absolutely. And then another love languages, acts of service, doing something for the other person that you know they would like for you to do and in a marriage that such things as cooking meals and washing dishes and vacuuming floors, walking dogs and changing baby diapers. So let's talk a lot of other things that you do for them and you know the old saying actions speak louder than words. If this is your love language that is true. Actions will speak louder than words. And then there's quality time giving the person your undivided attention. And then there's gifts universal to give gifts as an expression of love the gifts as they were thinking about me but look what I got from the and the gifts all have to be expensive. Whether sport adult for child. It's the thought that counts.

I remind people it's not the fault lifting your head down is the gift that came out of the thought okay and then number five is physical touch and we will all know the emotional power physical touch. That's why we pick up babies hold them, kiss them, cuddle them long before the baby understands the meaning of the word love the baby feels like my physical touch. For some people physical touch is their language so understanding this concept that each person has a primary love language will help the stepparent know how best to express love to that stepchild if you know you probably to speak your own language and wonder why it doesn't work. Gary just laid out this incredible thought and idea in this concept is so powerful, but it's all predicated on the notion that the person you're trying to love actually want you to love them that way. I mean think about you. Of course, your wife wants you to know her love language in speak that and when you do.

She feels that the weight of your love and the tenderness of your love and it communicates but what if she doesn't want that we translate that into a blended family where the relationships are ambiguous. There's different motivations to love his Gary said a little while ago a stepchild loves their stepparent, but that doesn't mean I want you to hug me. You know my love languages, physical touch, but that doesn't mean you can hug me that we all know this intuitively. JAMA it same things true in friendships where new new work relationship you have friends that you don't necessarily hug but you have other if I don't have any friends that another problem when you will get this there certain people that you you could give them a gift, but you wouldn't give them an intimate gift which we understand this the same thing applies in blend when you apply the love languages with the wisdom that there certain measures of the leveling was that's appropriate at this point in time, and somewhere down the road as the crockpot continues to cook then I can love you more deeply with this love language, all of a sudden it's transformative. But if you get it wrong, it can really backfire.

Well let me let me push on that a little bit because I was about to ask Gary question that you kind of answered in the opposite direction and what I was in a say is that formula you know it be good first step parent than to really zero in on the love language of the child in the begin to apply that if it's words of affirmation the need.

"I that what I hear Ron saying is may be several filters there were. That exchange doesn't go the way you hoped for, but what do you do is that parent. Let's say that stepparent does his or her homework and she knows little Maria little Johnny how their thinking and what motivates their love heart and but they're not getting the response did you keep going.

This is exactly why Jean said I want to team up with Ronald this because I would sit in my office couple who had stepchildren and I was so you know we read your book on love languages and I learned Johnny's love language and I knew his father told me that's what it was and so I just started hugging and he pushed me away right, it doesn't seem to be working with stepchildren and this is why I said Iran.

What I found out this meal for a long, and that's what we teamed up on this and of course the basic concept. Ron alluded to their is that within each of the love languages there different levels of intimacy and those love languages and with physical touch is really intimate and so you might head start back with fist bumps and a little tap on the shoulder name I need to go over several months. It might be a year before they will receive a hug and is not because they hate you.

It's all these other things were talking about behind the scenes. They're not quite ready for that yet.

That's one application. Another application of applying the love languages with wisdom is to simply start with the ones that are universal we think about the love languages.

If I gave John a gift today. I bet he take it you know he didn't have to like me, and he would take my gift probably right. As long as is not taken and so you know you can walk up to a stranger and had a five bucks and Bill go well. Thank you. I'm not sure what this means, but so gifts are an easy acts of service are an easy write the hard ones are quality time and physical touch that really take from you they do and they require more intimate connection or communication. And so start with what you can do it may not be there. Stepchild's primary love language, acts of service may not be but the probably enjoy and appreciate the fact you do something for them. Blended families create competition for time and attention were we know that there's all those layers really talk about that will unfold those layers over the next few minutes, share the story of Angela and Anthony and how it demonstrates something you called about the triangle of attachment because I think it starts the discussion on some of those underlying issues. I know this couple great couple, wise savvy, healthy adults. When Angela was a single parent her love languages quality time.

Her kids love language was quality time.

What a perfect match as a single mom who was worried about her children. Their father had left and really had no comment stepped out of the picture in a big way so she want to nurture their heart so they developed this little ritual nighttime ritual to help them survive that traumatic experience of dad leaving and every night they lay in bed and talk talk about the day you know can decompress. Love on each other a little bit and her children were elementary A's in early teenage and it worked for them. Will the ritual got so important. It would last an hour an hour and 1/2. Right now, fast-forward, turn the corner.

She's now married to a man Anthony. He's with his wife and stepchildren 24 seven and every night. His wife goes into their kids bedroom and he waits an hour and 1/2 for her to come out after spending time so you see the triangle so short mom and her children are tight and strong and as it should be.

She did a fabulous thing by her children through the single-parent years but now what was functional is a little dysfunctional for their blending process and so what what they had to do is add start communicating head start talking and developing empathy he had as a stepdad to start listening to oh that's with this meaning to your children so they began to talk.

What would it look like if we change the ritual altered the ritual. Ultimately, mom had to take responsibility with her children to begin to put some parameters on shorten it up to shore it up, not to end it. I wouldn't say in that give it the right place.

Give it the right place and reserve something in your heart and time and energy for your husband, but by the way, your kids are probably going to and they did Push back mom hello are you leaving so early. You know, this is our thing and she had to kind of find that strength to say how you know, I know this is hard, but I love my husband and work and have to just shortness up a little bit but I'm here for you guys every night, but now it's time for me to be with him, does create some little hardness in their heart towards her stepfather, because if he wasn't here which still at yeah it does.

There is a competition going on between mom's time with her husband and her time with her children come to. She is a strong word, but I really think it's the right word. You know I understand, and so they have to deal with that delicate relation thing by attending to both the children and the marriage but trying to decrease the competitive environment.

Let me ask you a generic question as a follow-up just to make sure people who are in the spot can hear some help in some answers. What is a way one of the two or three things that they need to do that they need to recognize, for example in that story to help you get the whole family together to resolve this or do you as husband and wife talk about it.

Find the path forward, then began to talk with the kids about it together separately. I'm not sure there's a right answer. I do know couples always need to start the conversation with each other because their work. That's one of the ways they preserve their marriage within this parent has a long process. It is right and at some point there's going to be communication to the children. There's a unity there.

If there talking to is properly right, exactly, exactly. So that's one of the things they want to do is start communicating husband-and-wife start listing what it's like to be everybody else in this triangle except me trying to communicate your particular need. In this situation without criticism or denigrating the ritual or whatever the past was about and say all right with it is delicate how do we work together to make changes when they make the changes regarded in this case regarding the children it's mom's job.

The biological parent has to take the lead on and imagine stepdad that won't work step in and going. I'm sorry kids I get her now.

None of that's just building resentment toward him and that's breaking down. Ultimately, the ultimately this triangle marriage versus parent-child relationship competing ultimately what's at stake here is the stepdad's relationship with the stepchildren if they don't manage this well if mom doesn't take responsibility for making the parental changes it could come at the sacrifice of him as a stepfather and his relationship with the kids and now were not blending anymore right. It's so true and I experience that as a boy when I was eight.

Nine. My mom had remarried man name Hank and announced to us, she was not doing well healthwise she was dying of cancer, but we we the kids didn't know and he would lock her in the master bedroom and he I remember pinpointing to me and say don't bother your mother could you wear her down. She doesn't have enough energy for you horrible things that absolutely nobody put fear into me like I don't want to harm my mother the same time. It really made me angry at him for you. Thank you to tell me what to do with my mom.

Yes, I totally get that dilemma, but there was no you know he did not have the emotional capacity to understand my problem.

I don't think you really cared. Yeah so and if he would've had the empathy piece with it, there would've been. This is hard for Jim. He doesn't understand what's going on. He doesn't quite get the whole picture.

How do we do this delicately and gently and lovingly.

That's a totally different, he still might've had to set a boundary of some kind but did communicated in a very different way may have had a very different result. In terms of how you thought about what you had a story to about a young man named Jaelyn. I believe described that one. These are good, informative stories for us so for jail and one of his parents, his mom really walked out on him at a very young age. I think he was five. When that happened and income stepmom who is love language savvy and eager and happy and ready to pour out herself to him and discovers what is love languages and is more than happy to meet that need.

Right giving gifts, but for Jaelyn.

I mean think about it from his point of view as a child. If I receive this from you. It's kind of like I'm saying it's okay that my mom is not here and so he has to say no to the gift because somehow he's holding out for mom to come back I want that gift from my mom. It's so symbolic of what is been lost and it's hard to attach yourself to something new when you're holding out for the old come back and remain in your life. That's the dilemma that kids sometimes face I want to let you in stepparent but I don't how to do that and not deny my biological parents. So it's confusing in a in a child's heart. There's a competition again. My relationship with my bio mom's competing with my relationship with my stepmom searcher will have a few minutes here and Gary want to touch on that relationship above the child parent relationship spouse to spouse in the book you mention a story about Steve who had to.

I think come to the realization that his his new wife didn't have the same love language as his former wife. I could see that especially for a guy you've kind of fallen into this routine and you know that it's touch or its gifts or whatever and then you get remarried in his circumstance to know what you know again what caused that first marriage to end in death or what have you but now you have to really learn you have to also almost become childlike again and relearn your new spouses love language is that difficult for people and I think it's always difficult to learn something that you haven't done before and for Steve, his first wife and second wife didn't have the same love language, but what he didn't understand is there's different dialects within every one of these hunters and both of their languages was quality time with the first one that man sitting down and having long conversations with each other TVs.

All for just communicating with each other for the second wife quality time meant sitting with him on the couch watching a game together and then chatting with about the games they don't want to listen like a different love language, but it's basically the same thing its spending quality time doing something that they both enjoyed so sometime just learning a total new language and sometimes running a different dialect within the same language, but in the marriage relationship what's really important is that we learn the primary love language of our spouse. Whether it's finished second marriage or third marriage or first marriage and speaking it on a regular basis. Heavy doses and doesn't mean you don't speak the other languages but if you don't speak that primary language they will not feel loved you as we enter the one thing that I really want to make sure we put in its proper place is God's role in all this and I let me just open that up for each of you to respond to that. You know your Gary identifying through the love languages how God has wired us as the creator. Anything you could add to God's presence in these very difficult situations.

I think prayer and humility of the two things that merely come to mind. Prayer is that Lord help me to see what I need to see and unlearn what I need to unlearn from a previous relationship, rituals, patterns, and what do I need to relearn in this new setting humility is that it's an attribute that says I'm teachable.

Show me. I've said for years, a rigid person has no place in a blended family. There's just so many things that you cannot control, and if you come in with hardline this the way it's going to be this how it should be. Rituals should be this way holiday should be his way. Bubble parenting should be the you're going to discover a lot of that unravels you and the whole family, but humility is that thing that says okay, maybe I don't know I have something to learn here.

God teach me. That goes a long long way.

That is really good and you know I want to continue the discussion. This is been so good.

I know people are being helped, and that let's come back next time continue to talk about these attributes that can help you in your blended family.

That's the point you're there now. So what can we do to strengthen your relationships within that family today and I'm grateful for you joining us. Thank you. Thank you.

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