Connecting With Your Busy Spouse

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Together those difficulties and challenges together and come out the other side. The Lord is shining brighter through us is no greater experience in the world. Let's mark Merrill and he and his wife Susan join us today on Focus on the Family your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us I'm John Fuller, John.

I'm so excited to have Mark today Focus on the Family they are good friends who share the same heart and passion is really here for marriage for parenting and I can like to say there. One of our bone and flesh of our flesh, and that that is our goal today together to help strengthen you and your marriage were to talk about that. These will be wonderful ideas to help you better understand your spouse, and especially if you having some communication difficulties. This isn't the deep stuff if you're suffering through really traumatic things in your marriage that'll be a different program today. It's for those of us who are can I just feel like I'm not on the top of my game when it comes to my marriage for us guys that were not concentrating on developing our relationship with our wives the way we should be, and maybe for you wives that your thinking.

Okay, I've slacked off a bit loving my husband the way he needs to be loved. This is the program for you it is and let me just talking to mention that we do have counselors here. If you are struggling and I were phone call away 800 a family. Mark and Susan are the founders of family first, which is on mission to provide parenting and marriage and relational truths to help you love your family well and their speakers and bloggers and they got a companion set of books that they put out.

One is list to love by for busy wives send course.

The companion is listed, loved by for busy husbands welcome to both of you. Thanks for being here. We are grateful.

Thank you for having me before we get going. I love this kind of day because this is the tuneup.

This is where we can just talk with the light heart in many ways about what's happening hopefully be a bit playful with it. In that regard. How did you guys meet every what have you guys. Let's go right to our Jim, we have different stories executive summary and the executive summary is really I was actually in law school and Susan was an undergrad at University of Florida, Susan, you're pursuing legal guy I practice while recovering attorney now always recovering but we met.

Actually, I remember seeing her. Ultimately, at the sorority house. I thought for that girl is cute. She was doing his barbershop quartet and I just like that.

I said I need to know who she is. She just looks wholesome and cute and wonderful and so that's where it all started.

But you know and and so after we met. What really was attractive for me to Susan was that she was just lively.

She had so much character and so much excitement.

She was spontaneous and creative and they say that before marriage. Opposites attract, and after marriages.

Opposites attack what was now annoying and happy couples. This what you wanted things that was really interesting as I have this expectation and I thought Susan would be organized. I thought she would be a discipline. All the things that I was not. I expected her to be more like me and so those early years in our marriage.

I will became somewhat critical of her because I wanted her to be more like me and so she started become more like me. And guess what I didn't like it. I was really was really bothering me that she was becoming more like me, that's friends. So I that I had to have a confrontation in the biggest competition I have had to have was it was Susan is with myself right I needed to change where I think I needed to change our expectations for maraschino to help the listener. You know they're probably connecting somewhat. But give us an example of that critical spirit that you had the control that you are exerting that was frustrating her but you trying to be the good wife will be the right spouse. So your changing as you said in the opening your changing who you were.

Susan to meet Mark's needs a people can identify with that but that created frustration I give examples are inanimate, especially because we got married and literally a year to make sure every year later had our first child that would you happen a couple who lays out they are doing online banking and is not going to hungering in on the thing I'm staying home and so where I was like whoa this is can be so much pain we had met another one right after that and we are playing and I'm doing were creating and at the hotness of great for me because I'm thinking and great for my girls and because they are exploring and I was very 19 child development and I'm a researcher every minute like I did not have a struggle making a transition. I loved being a great amount that Markley can turn an end unit 96 we made a compelling image.

I think he's more like Casper me know most guys can identify that we want to admit it.

It's politically incorrect, but did you ever come home and say what have you been doing all day. Oh yeah I'm I was trained family listen to back in the 80s thought it was something that I thought my mind like you know I've been working so hard all day and really have no great expectations, but unlike some dinner and I want some organization to come greet me at the door and all were the father just doesn't work like that and really I really started squashing Susan's spirit there in that fun-loving, creative, wonderful, wonderful woman. I was snuffing out and so that's where I really had to come to grips with this and really seek her forgiveness and just say Lord is to cry out.

I have been so wrong in this you know a lot of people. They may not have come to that realization that I'm squelching her crushing my spouse no matter what the direction male to female, or vice versa. How does a person begin to get that awareness I would say for me. I finally found the where it's to say when you come there when we interact. I feel like there is a flavor of the week and ice cream flavor of the week that I need to meet every week you're working on incendiary okay this week when I come and I am pleased there and what robs my general way in our marriage and our family was that I couldn't please in every way every week and that was debilitating. I'm sure depressing and I have to understand what is the big win for you. What if I could just you. Thanks for you what I will try to meet those three and you have to let me and you know there is powerful just the three things can you help me and that is I'm thinking I need to do that when G are three things I can do it really resonated with me was not you never do this. You always do this.

I don't like when you do this it was her expressing her feelings to me and says here's house and makes me feel. And then she gave me this wonderful word pictures flavor of the week that there's always something that you're critical of their you're never satisfied with anything I was looking for my happiness and my satisfaction in Susan rather than in the one who created Susan and I the Lord and so I had to come to a reality of you know what I got it I got really focus on what's important here and what are those two or three things that are important to me. I share this with her and then I had to start letting go all these other things, there may be a one, two or three and focus on the eight nines and tens and so actually we do that sometime we together will say you want to set an 879. What is out on a scale of 1 to 10 how important so now, not not everything can be a 10 but now I do throw away those other things like even now the bathroom drawers are still pulled out of its place. But you know what I'm gonna let it does not hate non-attendance on this focus on 23 things. Mark and Susan Merrill are our guest today on focus of family the book that they have is called lists to loved by. We've got a copy for busy wives and also a copy for busy husbands contact us and we can tell you more are numbers 800 K in the word, family, work, check the episode notes for more details. I got asked so even if you have this kind of conversation just three things and you make that mental reset.

How long does it take before that becomes kind of a natural part of the rhythms of your marriage because there are expectations that there I said my three things, and now world good right successful marriages. Do you consistently average marriages to occasionally glance that track and that's why the structure of these books are simple, short chapters so and praise the table of contents ago. Okay, these are the five topics that are really tough so were just going to work on this till they become the point where so crazy busy today when not taking the time to develop the habit love each other well, let's get into some of those with some of your favorites. This is from your heart and your speaking to those married couples which you do family first so often, so let's start with your favorites Mark were word you find yourself in this great list of lists. Well I have several favorites and but one of them is three keys to unlock the door to intimacy and marriage which is I think is such an important one. And that's what's people release so lonely today and you and I talked about the gym where people are lonely and lost in their longing for something more something better in their relationship but they don't know how to find and where to find it and we know one thing that if they don't have that foundation of trust, trusting the Lord but also trusting one another in that relationship, then they are not going to be traveling down very smooth road in the future. The should be a lot of onslaught of puddles so that trust issue is the key to intimacy yeah and we talk with that loneliness is been lots of articles appearing in various publications around the country right now about the loneliness and marriage. Why do you think that's occurring what's what's happening in marriages today. Generally the crate that loneliness. I think part of that Susie might chime in on this as well, but in the list allowed by books we talk it's for busy husbands and there's one also for busy wives, and I think busyness leads to neglect in their head. I can tell you that each and every one of us this week have spoken to somebody who said you said hey how you doing, John.

They set on doing fine I'm doing fine.

I'm just crazy busy. Everyone almost where it is a badge of honor, but it leads to neglecting our spouse and we become the two proverbial ships that pass in the night and then we start becoming lonely because we have no fellowship, just like you for not convening and spending time in prayer and's and in God's word with the father we experience that loneliness without him in the same in a marriage relationship but were not really spending time just sitting down and talking one-on-one, so that's one of the list talk one-on-one together. Yes, yet another example of how to close that loneliness gap. Laughing wow starts with Anthony and time and so when it united the different things we talk about all the last is are you sharing time together.

So if I am exhausted from working and I come home and Marcus had something deeply hurtful happened to him and he starts talking about it, but I've got my to do list on but I cannot be like a second and look great that because although I may with my eyes and my faith pretend to listen. I'm really not a demand thinking to do that. That's kind of amazing is that usually the shoe on the other foot for you to have that kind of attitude I would think a lot of married couples are experiencing this with the husband might come home. He compartmentalizes he's not going to talk about what he's just upset and his wife doesn't know what's happening and he's not really thinking. I will waste more time about what happened at work today I'm just done with that is just grumbling and is just set up with everything she's trying figure out what's going on. He will connect with me.

You can't connect with me. He's got a problem with intimacy in that way emotional intimacy that would be a more typical way, do you think or do you disagree, I think time may be changing demands on women today are definitely unreasonable program. I think I talked to so many women today are in this and child raising years and the demands of the kids schedules in school finance and extracurricular activities. Many of these women are working part-time or full-time and send it so much capacity to be empathetic and semi-time and if you then feel I can't give that to your kids and your husband getting leftovers and that's why so important to John that the two when you're lonely and marriage. I believe because that busyness is always there, is stealing your time like a thief to really make sure that were creating a cycle stop doing list and that we how many things that we all four of us are doing better.

Bad things.

Hopefully none but it's a stop doing list of good things that aren't God's blessings all, I was they only do what only God would have you do only do what only God would have you do one of the most important things that he would have us do in our marriage relationship in our life with our kids and then create a stop doing list of other things that may be good but may not be the best. I got that list look like I get it and I try to do that. What did the list look like for you when you started to take that inventory when I took them the tour, I saw that I was serving on some different committees serving on some additional boards and I serve on one board today and that's it at family first and I took off all those other things that were wonderful things and good organizations, and even things get this at church that may not be our highest and best used instead of doing 10 things at church.

Maybe there's one thing that we should be focused in on those are good points and I think there when you nail down feel like you have to do everything for your kids even said again having we really do sell much today for 200 and then we also do so much that we feel everyone else access to daylight ticket have to be in sport and play musical instruments they have to get no doubt because at the end of the day we have grandchildren. Now we know that it is and if you don't do it for that child. It's not get done right now. That's a good case is in effect you had anachronism in your book list the love by for busy wives I think was LY LA CCC is that lines like to talk to tell me what that is when my kids right and can attack a camper wherever they were where if I did lunchbox notes for Dan. They know how much I love cookies that I would be different and and they know that our code I love that one to me the things to do about developing intimacy. In fact, you referred to kind of flirtatious creative ways to for so every guys there just opened up right so what are you getting I want to hear this about me. If I can't stand when we adopted two just went from 3 to 5 quickly because he adopted a nine and a 12-year-old.

My days went into overtime and that's where I hit my thumb things I need to say no to Mark came to me to talk Monday and Thad Unitas my life and you hear the fan in our marriage. Here the whatever and I realized I just wasn't giving him the look anymore. I went again and teased acute over the table in front of the kids going crowd. If you don't hear casing gross. That's kind of fun know what crushes that desire, particularly for wives and speak brutally assuming what takes away from the desire to do that is so important. Exhausting again were running on empty. And we forget why we started this journey we forget that what I was madly in love with you and and what it felt like.

And then at the end of this game a decade to beat you and I again and at the end of the day is they're not the highest calling for us to love one another. It's the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor and I firmly believe that in God's eyes. My neighbor is my husband and my child a close second that my has been to how I treat him first and foremost and intimacy that we that other couples can CNS and drives them to marry you. How many more marriages we have.

If the world could see as believers how someone once described woman's heart like a rose in. We contend to not water as husband's water that Rosen overtime.

It just shrivels up and dies that emotion inside them to want to be flirtatious to want to be having the fun that they experience when they were dating when there first married, so I got it turned you Mark and say what do we do as husband's that were not watering our wives heart roses that cause them to no longer really notice who we are and we as guys.

Let's face want to be talked to in that way. No stronger super good-looking whenever we think of ourselves.

Jim Jim Levy, take us to a deeper level on this answer because I could give you some superficial answers but here's the bottom line is if were to love our children well I have got to love Susan well.

Love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for to make her holy, and we know that right as believers, but if I'm going to how I love Susan well well the only one way to love Susan Wells love God well because God is love and we first love, because he loved us first right and so we are only able to love our spouses well for love God will so ultimately what I found creates the greatest intimacy the greatest joy in our relationship that is even just last year is gone deeper for us is just to be reading God's word together. She and I were reading the Psalms together in the morning honey.

Some people say what you did, what were reading the Psalms together in the joy of the Lord and what God is doing in our lives and in then praying together with one another. What greater way to create intimacy with one another than to be have that intimacy with the father together in the chapter when it… Six things you must know that your husband and obviously there's a counterattack at a six think you must have a right that we call things like what is there left language with his biggest dream. What spells romance and simple things down and eat it at the end every chapter 24 pages at the end there's questions to mail this to go back and remember you still feel close right now with leveling. How can I ever encounter fear that if I do that then I'm accountable to deliver know what I'm saying. In other words, it's interesting, sometimes we don't want to tread into those waters because now I'm aware of what the need of my spouses say if that's what you are. That's what you're feeling right now. Concrete now because you know your highest calling in your marriage it is to be one and you can't be lying if you don't intimately know that. And so you're on a path than that I would be fearful again. Then what I love that I support that hundred percent. I just thinking of folks who you know might shy away from wanting to do the hard work it's easier to live superficial it is. But then we have a whatever choice your suit live superficially and then you're never going to those challenges and difficulties together or you can have that deeper relationship where you experience this great intimacy in this great joy with one another and I love to say that more marriages might survive if people remembered that better often comes after worse we married, for better or worse. And when we walked to those worst times. Together those difficulties and challenges together and come out the other side and the Lord is shining brighter through us is no greater experience in the world was that it is so good and I appreciate that I want to end with another little section of the book where you talked about five powerful words for your marriage.

Let me just touch on when you come back and fill in that one was respectful words for each other affirming words toward each other caring words, encouraging words, appreciative words. I think that is so critical and I love ending here because I think our tongue as the Scripture says carries a lot of weight and can either kill or lift up and let's try going back to the Rose analogy that we as husbands can often use our tongues to kill the spirit in our wives and vice versa speak to those five yeah the tongue is the most powerful part of our body. Him and James clearly tells us about that. We really need to change it.

Payment and train it as I like to say and so words are extremely's extremely important, wordsmith, and so those respectful words are important. Affirming words are important. I remember Truett Cathy Valenti, founder of Chick-fil-A Truitt once said to me, Mark, how do you really know someone needs encouragement to tread how you said if there breathing affirming words.

Those words of encouragement I think are some of the most important words that we can provide our spouse and to our children because you know it. Everybody needs encouragement, especially in today's world there so much going on and we need to encourage one another and encouraging where is my left language and markets go back to beginning to think make his critical spirit was exactly like the enemy was evening rush you got you got left to get that from what a great great reminder markets is in this is really good. Let me let me in with this one phrase one word for husband's mark in the same for wives.

Susan, what would you say Mark, I'm I'm struggling tonight.

I haven't had this kind of relationship with my spouse. I've blown it.

I've crushed or I haven't watered the Rose in her heart.

What can I do tonight. This can be different around the dinner table were the king online initially was persevere. Marriage is hard work, it's heart work as well and just pressing to God and watch him work through you and into your life and then just love love love your wife well even when she's unlovable in the same for the wise love your husband even when he's unlovable because that's how Christ loved us.

Love them with an unfailing love. The unfailing love we receive from our father.

Well that is well said Susan. I don't know if you can add LPL very well.

Simple stat he can take it well ground and ground greater trust as you listen to long you were able to pick up some tips from Mark and Susan Merrill on today's episode of Focus on the Family so you can relate to your spouse and really show them how much you love them, let me mention our Focus on the Family marriage assessment. It's a great tool. It's a quick little quiz on our website and highlight the areas of strength in your marriage and maybe an area or two to work on. It takes just a few minutes and it's really insightful and today's broadcast is an example of the kind of ministry that we just can't do without your help, you pray and you give faithfully and those donations allow us to help marriages like Mark and Susan's and then there of course, in turn, able to help other marriages.

So please join us in encouraging and equipping couples have a stronger relationship across the globe. And when you make a donation of any amount today will say thanks for joining the support team by sending a copy of both editions of the books by the miracles list to love by for busy husbands and list love by for busy wives donates and get your copy of those books when you call 800 the letter a in the word family or check the episode notes for details tomorrow you'll hear how God intervened in a dramatic way to save the young woman from pit of despair on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller and back again help you and your family thrive in Christ. This is Jim Daly from Focus on the Family are you looking for practical ways to contribute to the pro-life cause. Join us for sea life 2020 on September 26 and learn how you can be a voice for the voiceless. For more information, text, heartbeat, to 72,000