Giving Your Marriage a Second Chance (Part 1 of 2)

Man I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at focus on the family's health restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they always dreamed of. For the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to help restored.com today by Jim Daly and on today's focus on the family were going to hear about one couples difficult marriage and why 3 1/2 years.

One of Michael's left this note for her husband. I decided about staying with girlfriend. I cannot be married any longer. With all the uncertainty that I feel I'm sorry that our marriage is not working out you don't need to try to contact me. I'll be in touch in a couple weeks get the rest. I do hope the best for you. One, Jim.

What strikes me about that. Notice how hopeless towns.

There is apathy there are no regrets. It's like the doors slamming shut and there's no hope of opening it up again wrote were aware that many husbands and wives listening to this right now are right where one was.

Maybe you've reached a point where you've had enough. There's too much pain and anger and no forgiveness. And you've lost all hope. But the fact is that God cares more about your marriage than you do. And there's always hope. When we turn our problems over to him.

I want to urge you to let focus on the family help you. That's why were here. We want to help rescue, hurting families, that's why we have our counseling team and hope restored our intensive marriage counseling for couples that are on the brink of divorce and ready to call it quits. We have hope for you and we've seen miracles happen when husbands and wives are willing to give it one more try to save the relationship.

Contact us today and let's see what God will do in your marriage.

You can reach us by calling 880 family 800 K in the word family or go to the episode notes for more in the good news we should mention here the top is God did a miracle in one of his marriage to Terry and wanted documented that in a book she wrote called choosing him all over again. The story of romance and redemption, and let's go ahead and hearing our conversation.

Jim that we had with one of Michael's on focus on the family. You are one brave soul because these are the kinds of things and discussions that many couples, particularly Christian couples are going to hide because it's uncomfortable to talk about this stuff. Even though you have now reconciled, but those were some dark years for you. Let's start in that place where you married, you were both successful, you are working for companies on the fast track and set that background force. Why did you think you were going to make it in the first place.

Why just say yes when Terry asked you to marry him well everything lovely had met during college he was my college sweetheart and we married right after college and we really had everything a young couple would want. We had just built a home. We had great jobs with Fortune 500 companies.

We had lots of friends that settled in Raleigh where we both went to school and when we were freshly married.

It was like playing house and we really enjoyed those early days want to let me ask you this. Did you and Terry have premarital counseling which at focus, we believe, and there's a lot of research that shows that if you have 10 hours minimum.

It really reduces the chance of divorce, but how did you and Terry go about premarital counseling. We had some just couple hours.

I would say with my home pastor I wish Stanley had so much more was that I wasn't sufficient. That's the point.

And I think that's one of the great things that we have ready to wed, which I think is one of the best tools at focus now for churches to use actually will supply that to the churches so they can have young couples go through at least 10 hours of premarital counseling which will reduce the incidence of divorce and those couples and it's brilliant. So you were getting married.

You had kind of optimism you are both very successful, attractive couple.

It was all seemingly moving in the right direction. What pain was underlying that because I'm sure people would look at you and Terry from the outside and think what a great couple.

They got it all together and it was in those early days. It was like playing house. We had little cable we Money that we'd been given as a wedding present and really was until two years into the nights that I became disillusioned and how what were those typically on Saturday morning because I really did have any hobbies, Terry, did he go not from a young child playing golf and working on MGs and he would not clean his car and why she sends he put his golf clubs and be ready for great Saturday afternoon, the sun would be shining in here his young wife was inside the house crying. So he's thinking everything's great. Yes, this is just the way I planted. I've got a wonderful wife and we have great careers. And yes I get to play golf on the weekend. Did you ever say to him, honey, lonely told him I didn't want us to end up divorce that something was missing in our marriage, and he really thought that I had a problem and he now sees that we had a problem because if you have probably marriage.

It's both of your problem, but he was happy and so he just said you know you need to figure out what's wrong but I just kept telling him something is missing. Something's missing in our marriage and I was to come to a conclusion. A wrong conclusion that had married the wrong person want to let me ask you, in your book, choosing him all over again. You talk about seeds of discontent and that you're laying the groundwork. Right now you're telling us that early in your marriage.

Two years which ironically you know that about two years in any marriage. That's when the fascination. The euphoria of the relationship against wear off. Researchers say it's about at the two-year mark and so disillusionment is kind of the common thing because he doesn't love me the way I thought he would love me. It's not that Cinderella romance I thought it would be and you kinda settle into doing life together paying the bills working kids come along etc. but what were the seeds of discontent you've shared that one where you're now thinking is not the right guy that's maybe a pine tree of discontent you think is now the wrong guy, but in the book you talk about that little preparation for marriage which we spoke about different perspectives was another one. What what were those different perspectives that you and Terry was at the hobby in the golf in the eye.

Don't be home on the weekend and you're feeling isolated. I wasn't the best housekeeper and at that time I didn't even know it. I know Terry just asked me to wrap the lettuce better and and other things that he was actually much better at than me and I thought he didn't care about our relationship. She just cared how I wrap the food and put it in the refrigerator and I didn't folded towels and put them in the closet neatly. I just kinda threw them in there, which is horrible to admit that I just wasn't a good housekeeper and I thought he doesn't care about this relationship. I need to find someone. It's more like me married the wrong person and I just became so disillusioned I think if he if he if he because it would be years later, Jim Frey would learn the two things that any couple from getting a divorce, seeking unity in the marriage and seeking the good of the other person. Those things about myself thought about me right me and I was at the center of everything I was thinking what was that final straw. You talk about that in the book where there was that moment where I guess you then decided to leave was there.

What was that incident that Terry offended you or how to play out. I got away on a business trip for some training for the company I work for and while I was away that week I was exposed to so many people in so many personalities and the teachers all had so much charisma in my mind, I began to compare tier ATVs other man and I thought they were so funny and I thought they were so different and I thought comparing them to Terry that he just didn't measure up.

And that in that context that give you justification for not considering. Maybe I need to leave him because is not right for me and always was in my mind for the first time I began to muse about not being married and on the plane ride home, I began to think about not being married. No more crying, we had for about a year and 1/2 had those Saturday morning crying sessions I was done crying and I finally made a decision that I was leaving and I wasn't doing it as a play is a chess move to see what he would do to really get his attention now know I was done I was totally totally finished with the marriage. In fact you you talked about it in the book, choosing them all over again like jumping into a beautiful sailboat. So what were you jumping into while Niagara Falls was had no idea, no idea. You see, I thought I knew. I thought I knew what I was doing and I thought I knew what was best and I did not have the Lord in my life guiding me and I wanted to leave. I ration that hey, my rationale was we don't have children.

Thank goodness we don't have children because I was too young yet I was in my early 20s, so I thought I got to find the right one. He is not the right one. This sooner the bed and think goodness we don't have children you know want to in the context of the kind of disillusionment two years in your marriage.

You often think about your family of origin. What was your family origin like your mom and dad did they experience divorce.

They both came from divorce and that they both had multiple marriages and sadly my father was an alcoholic. He was not a mean alcoholic. There was no abuse and sexual abuse.

No verbal abuse but sadly he retreated one end of the house and my mother retreated to another and it's not good for man to be alone and so they had a lot of loneliness in their marriage and I was really headed right down that path didn't play into your own experience, it had to been it and how did it when you thought of you and Terry and what you are experiencing and that disillusionment did you think about your own parents and their experience and how you were maybe fearful of that you would end up like them.

I knew I never wanted to be divorce, but I was glad that I was still young so my thoughts really were on what happened.

I wanted to know what happened because I didn't want it to happen again.

I wanted to get it right the second time and I went to counselors regret that they were not Christian counselors, and I always tell people that you can point them to focused to get Christian counseling and not to go to secular counselors because I went to one.

She had a heavy Hebrew accent and she called me Vonda said Vonda you a late loon that's your problem is you are late loon you laugh about it now but really it was so sad that you she was her advice to me when you net it all out was that I was just a late bloomer and was just now getting started came up a little short yes obviously good when you mentioned that note that the top of the program and if you didn't hear that.

Get the download because that note was powerful. It sounded so if I can say this without offending you decisive, maybe even a little chilly toward Terry.

I'm done was not work on it all come by later to pick my stuff up and also all the best in your life one.

I mean, it felt steely so the question I have for you is how did Terry respond you leave in the know to come out of the blue for him yes and he was devastated. He was devastated and he wanted to talk and he wanted to try to work it out and I told him no, no, that we were done. How did the coming months went by weeks went by before you had contacted her what was happening for you, months and months went by and I wanted to be in search for Mr. Wright. I wanted to be available. I wanted to find someone that could see I was looking for romance I was looking for love and I was I knew nothing of the real lasting biblical lot that the Bible speaks of the self giving love.

It's forgiving that we read about in first Corinthians 13. I knew none of that even know if I was a Christian when I started going to that little church and he would talk to the Christians. I would think me know and I Christian spin Christian well when I get my act together when I do find some way we marry.

Then I'll come to the Lord and then maybe can use.

Maybe he sure can let me now because I left my husband you know want your speaking to the hearts of many people right now. Male and female were there. Not sure where there it concerns me that you could go to church as often as you did not know if you were saved, and that if Jesus had entered your heart and began to transform the breaks my heart because I'm thinking my own teenagers as we go to church every weekend. Are they getting the message. Thinking of that speak to the parents about how to can make sure that their children understand what it means to be saved in Christ. I never remember one Scripture read in our home. My mother from another country. I doing her.

She had a Spanish Bible at that sent happily on it was on her bedside. I do not remember ever reading aloud the Bible I never remember hearing any kind of practical training Bible. I remember the pastor greeting people and welcoming them to the church and saying this is most important decision you'll ever make in your life and I remember as an eight-year-old girl, a 10-year-old girl, thinking not really.

He's he saying that because were in charge and he's pastor any the most important decision you'll ever make in life is you going to me and I just had dreams of being married. One day, and I would have this knight in shining armor and I remember a tenure so looking to the bathroom mirror in our little blue bathroom and wondering where he why's he was somewhere on the planet and all those years later came up so empty I thought it was steamy but then I thought it made such a huge mistake. And then when I started going to church, I met with the pastor and he said to me one. Many read Matthew 633 and me. He read but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well, and he said want you to make the wrong decision to make this decision about your marriage the wrong decision.

What you really need to decide is what are you going to do with Christ while with Christ. He said you need to commit your life to him will you do that now. He said why can't you do that now because he is not real to me and he wasn't Jim.

He wasn't real at all. He was just a Bible story to me. So many reasons why I couldn't turn to God, just a sampling of those I don't want to turn to God, just work right if I do, since my problems are solved. I'll be here in a misconception that if you said you are Christian single perfect and I knew God would want me because I was a separate person going to something first life together and come to know want to let me interrupt her because you're saying something that I think we suffer from within the body of Christ, and that idea of perfection that somehow were less loved by God. Less acceptable by God for not living perfectly in the Scriptures clear we can't do it perfectly.

That's exactly why Jesus had to die on the cross for us.

It doesn't mean it gives us a license to sin what it says is I have provided the way I am a sacrificial lamb for you do these things because you love me, not because it's mechanical.

In that connection finally hit for you right yes I was looking to Terry to me all my needs if Terry if Terry no person can meet all your needs. Only God can do that for romance and you nothing of that self giving love.

The Bible talks about. So when did it happen when did you said no to the pastor. Did you come back to him or was it somebody else or what was the timeframe between you say no. I can accept several more months went by and I continued going to that church. Even though I knew I not a believer, I just kept going in and you're living separately from Terry totally living separately have had enough income that I could pay for my half of the mortgage and an apartment and I continued going to the local charts and actually I was alone in my apartment. I have been praying Lord sent me who you are in Jesus, who are you, you show me who you are and I was actually alone in my apartment and I first gave my life to him when dad was tired.

I was actually just tired and I I didn't receive Christ, but I just yielded to God, I yielded to God that May 5, 1985 and just said what I'm tired of driving you take the wheel and you take the cheese and show me how to live and was asked a couple months later on 4 July and it was 31 years ago. I can't believe it, that I was alone in that apartment and one of the pastors had given me a book called hope for the separated by Gary Chapman and it went across the table and a tuck war four times. I told him I said you need to give this book to somebody to read it because I know what it's going to say and I don't want to read it.

I'll just read the first paragraph and I won't read anymore. Can I ask you why was it that feeling of condemnation yes and guilt because I love my husband and I knew it was going to tell me that I shouldn't do that and I want to hear it Russell, I just told him to give the book to somebody who was going to read it, but he won. He told me to take it and I went to that apartment and put it as far away as possible and shelf. Why would have to look at it until that Fourth of July night when I got it down because of a series of circumstances that I tell in the book I got that down and in an instant.

The scales came off my eyes.

I realize that I was a sinner. They Christ died for me if I was the only person in the world he would have done it from me. He's personal, he knew me intimately, and he stood there not condemning me for keeping me loving me.

You know, we wear crosses around her neck. We we have crosses in her home for decoration at that comedy motocross I wanted across the couldn't find across I got) and took it apart and turned around with a rubber band and made across both things on the cross that Christ died for me. For one, was many nights and one that is powerful and what you're saying there applies to all of us in our sinful state doesn't have to be a marriage context. It could be anything that could be a prodigal child who's looking for hope.

The prodigal parent who's looking for. Hope anyone of us that is really what it seems. This life is about is for us to recognize our sinfulness toward God not run away from yes and even now Jim after having become a Christian and being a Christian for all the some 31 years. I still have to go on with that same trust, trusting Christ not is my timesaver now.

But as my living Savior to continue to save me from the power that sin has on me. Just last night at the hotel we got to the hotel and my husband was resting and I was unpacking her suitcase and I was hanging up my close that they wouldn't be wrinkled and my first reaction is to think nothing of myself and I use all seven hangers to hang my clubs my clubs and I really believe after becoming a Christian we see we read in first Corinthians 214 the man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him and he cannot understand them because they are spiritually discerned.

But you see, after I became a Christian. After that night the Bible became alive to me.

All those names I couldn't pronounce as a child. They were real people that really lived and now I want to read the Bible like a novel.

It was all true.

And even to this day can't master it. You can't conquer it. You just continue to read it last night putting away the scholars. It was the spirit that reached into my heart and said she save a few of those hangers for your husband looked over and I saw he starts in his open suitcase that had not been unpacked, and Holy Spirit just went a little further and I know it's God's voicemail because you begin to recognize his voice just like puppy dog.

They called master calls in the puppy dog knows his place in his voice said to hang up so different him from using all the hangers for yourself and that's the kind of God we serve.

That takes us from that that self love. That love of self that when someone steps on or tell why because it's our toe. They stepped on, but we are to move away from that and to receive Christ and to listen and he will lead us well and one I so appreciate that because when I looked the why question God, why did you create marriage the way I think you're on the very core thing which is to become more like him. And that means selfless. That is the nature of our God, being selfless, that's his character, and yet you had to wake up the next morning you had a wonderful spiritual embrace of the Lord, you gave your heart to him.

Now you wake up to the world you live in a in your husband's not living with you and you're going to have to now begin to decide what you're going to do and we don't have time today to go through that but I want to start the program next time and talk about how God from that day forward, begin to change your heart first and then eventually your husband's heart and how he reconciled your marriage because that is the testimony that we have done work today to lay the groundwork for what we want to sure tomorrow so let's come back next time and talk about the real gifts God, we do that today on focus on the family Argus is been one of Michael's talking about her book choosing him all over again a story of romance and redemption.

I so appreciated one's vulnerability in opening up her life, ensuring the mistake she made in her marriage. This was a difficult challenging story to hear God never left her side and that gives us all hope for those situations where we've blown it big time and you know we originally aired this conversation with one a few years ago and the response we received was incredible, after comment after, about hurting marriages. Couples on the brink of divorce husbands was fighting to stay together and maybe that's where you're at right now. Maybe this conversation with Wanda is a wake-up call for you or a divine word from the Lord about the state of your marriage and why you need to do everything you can to get your heart right with God.

Ask your spouse for forgiveness and offer forgiveness.

In return, I want to urge you to not give up hope. God's got a better plan for your life than divorce and focus on the family is here to help. At the beginning of the program.

Jim, you mentioned our counseling team in the intensive counseling that would provide for hope restored locations and were saying some really incredible results. The research showing that our resources have helped more than 144,000 couples resolve a major marital crisis just in the past 12 months.

We can offer that can help to you. Contact us today our number is 800 the letter a in the word family or check the episode notes to learn more, and if the relationship with your spouse is in a good place. Let me ask you and encourage you to invest in other marriages. These programs and resources do cost money and you help provide the fuel that we need to meet the needs of hurting families, a monthly pledge to focus on the family will equip us to provide more broadcast, more counseling and more godly tools for husbands and wives to stay together and with your ongoing support.

We can work together to rescue more couples like Juan and Terry giving them hope and help for the future, please contact us today with a donation of monthly pledge will make a difference for so many families. If you're not a spot to do that a one-time gift is really helpful as well.

Regardless, when you make a donation of any amount today were to say thank you by sending a copy of the book by Wanda called choosing him all over again and once more are number 800 a family or you can donate by clicking the link in the episode notes. Please make plans to join us next time. For more one a story about abandoning and reconciling her marriage. Proverbs 14 one wise woman builds her house with her own foolish one. Tears town I was watching I was the one on behalf of Jim, thanks for joining us today for focus on the family. I'm John Fuller and putting it back once more help you and your family thrive in this season of your life are always moving forward single hood marrieds, renting, and through it all focus on the family is alongside you. With encouragement from the perspective and now we have a new tool that gathers our trust in God support together in one place. The enhanced focus on the family with it. You can listen to the focus on the family broadcast in danger social media make downloaded today from the app store or Google play