Helping Your Young Adult Thrive in College

So the new normal is this it, or is there something else and how long is all this can last. It affects all of us, especially those were planning on returning to college on John Fuller along with Jim Daly this is Focus on the Family and here are some comments that we had some interns that spent some summertime here with us. They offered these thoughts about going back to school all my classes are online and it's a sense I just don't know how to do it. The only anxiety I have about not returning to school is potentially losing out on a good semester making friends and building relationships. The college latte my graduation ceremony got canceled. I was super excited to go back to school and participate in theater the semester, but now I don't even know if working to be allowed to perform now. This will be my last semester and this will be my senior year and they would be offering some hope and encouragement for college students and their parents on this Focus on the Family project. John college can be a really exciting time. I remember those there were fun times great classes meeting great friends friends that I still have today.

And then there's the stress the normal stress of going to university and not knowing if I'm in the perfect will of God is this what I'm supposed to do and I'm not really doing well in this class. Should I drop it or take it again.

Whatever might be those of the normal things and then we had this pandemic to the whole equation and young people are thinking wow is it time to just take a step back, maybe not go to college right now or if I go my going to get some value out of this that goes back to normal so hitting this topic today with a wonderful friend and in fact I've got two boys right now a senior in high school and I've got Trenton was a sophomore in college so this really is the right where I'm living today you let parents who felt this in the past is just so much more complex is your indicating and we have Dr. Barry Cory with us to discuss this.

He's the president of Viola University has meant since 2007 is a former pastor and the dad of three college educated kids and has written a great book called make the most of it. A guide to loving your college years and of course we have that here@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast at Dr. Cory Barry, my good friend that welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thank you, Jim.

It's always a pleasure to be with you even if it's virtual okay I'm always saying you to me are the finest college president I've ever met were where you find that spring of joy as your managing I mean bio in Southern California. How many students do you have.

We have 6000 students since banks were like that's what joy comes from. You do such a remarkable job and so you know, I've never really said that so publicly, but I love who you are and what you do. I've witnessed that I've been on the campus as you've interacted with the students and it's awesome the way the kids come to you and trust you and talk with you in the way you turn your full attention on them. I mean I saw it and I just think it's a good model for all college presidents to be more like Barry Cory, let me let me start with the condition of young people today emotionally and spiritually. Where you think things are at. You are interacting with a lot of young people. What's your assessment of how they're doing now will talk about today being told me today or today being just this kind of rising generation of students. This is a season that they didn't prepare for and this is the part of the greatest global crisis that they never experienced and may be parallel so I see this is a time for for students to like both deal with their anxieties and try to figure out where their hope is there's a profound uncertainty right now in this generation. And you know what will I get a job, you know, why make it through college and I heard you're in charge like what's college and be like that one stud student studying theater amidst hard to do theater. I when you have to keep a 6 foot distance and where face covering right so this is a lot of profound disappointment that this generation is facing. But there's never been a better moment to rise above that in take this crisis and turn it into this generations moment to take that to rise up not so true. He often his parents that we talk about walking and's uphill to school both directions.

That kind of thing you know that there's nothing new under the sun. But this does feel like a very unique environment admitted it's been about 100 years since a pandemic could grip the world is different isn't yet it's different and obviously it's hard not to be in physical community. That's what you know the traditional college experiences like granted there's lots of new technological developments.

What were doing things and more hybrid fashion and note digital connectivity, but but actually being there and and and eating together on a table and going on retreats together and setting the office of the faculty member to be mentored by that person and then just hang out late in the residence halls and just pondering the bigger issues of life that happens in this higher education culture that were so used to doing.

Granted there are a lot of things that are changing but what's being missed right now and I hear from our students is like what we want we want to be together want to be in community with each other and then that's what is their greatest disappointment right now.

I want to get to that in a minute about how her bill for relationship. But before we do when we when we look at the situation, the pandemic everything that were encountering with it.

You are challenging students to see this is a moment to apply virtue versus considering it occurs. Now I think you're going to split the audience are right down the middle. But how do we as Christians see this as a moment to put virtue on display yet so I mean granted, this is the first one we had like this in a century, but it's not the first one. The Christians have ever gone through and and I know if you love me if you read the history of calamities and placing catastrophes that our world is faced. It's it was often the rising generation of Christians that like that meant that that arose up to the occasion and began to show him compassion, not just on their brothers and sisters I in the faith. But, on pagans on those folks at didn't believe in war may be antagonistic to do what they believe. So it certainly Jim it's a hard season for college since right now it's it's foggy I no one knows when Scott and students are facing like financial issues and health issues and uncertainties about college, but this is when it going Todd virtue, this is an opportunity for students to see these constraints as a virtue, not as a curse, and so you know hear my role of Viola like I want this moment that life is given this rising generation of Christians.

The one that they focus not on what they've lost, but really, how much they've gained through this.

I think that is a perspective I woke issue that that students need to begin this.

Think about no one but Paul talks about like you know your suffering result. Perseverance. Perseverance raised by character.

Character is not hope to get from suffering to Hope. There are those way stations along the way, what is it like for this generation to understand. Persevere in and how is character development happening in and we should ask students to take a Disney fast pass right from suffering to Hope, without dwelling in perseverance and character building, and this is a moment for them. I mean, I think this is the best time to be in in college and obviously from my perspective the best time to be at a college that has like a deep faith foundation because you know here we are, what you do to restore the sick and help those who are poor and homeless in times of oppression educating the litter all those things have happened over the years with the rising generation and it can happen again. Right now in community with students, even if it's a virtual community so I see this as a great opportunity that the best time to be in college and maybe even especially in a Christian college right now is today. Now I appreciate that very much because I think I think as Americans we struggle with understanding that biblical formula how we get the hope through adversity and what a great reminder is just like the Lord to put us through something to get us back to our as Christians, as our core values right right and it actually it's it's a great discipline and one that usually modernity and materialism kind of masks for us.

We go after the stuff the shiny stuff and we forget the character building that you're referring to, and I that's why I have great hope for this younger generation.

Let me address something that were seeing in the news quite a bit and it's related to COBIT but I'm sure you're seeing it on the college campuses to this rise in depression and anxiety in young people. This is something you experience personally you address it in the book is speak to the environment. There are many college causes you a bit of anxiety anyway. I'm not performing at the level I want to of God. You know whatever problem I'm having so there tends to be a lot of anxiety in that environment.

But how is it even worse now and how to use a college president.

How do you address your students to be mindful of their mental health. Yeah that outing already. There are no in this generation students significant mental health challenges that they're facing and then obviously exacerbated right by holding so I mean I in this book is subsisting a lot of practical advice to students on how to manage the. The weight of college when I went to college I snuggled early. I'm an introvert cylinder certain degree and it was very hard for me to kind of feel like I was sitting in. I traveled halfway across the country. I parents put me on a plane so he picked me up and there I was an elf plunked right into the middle of a college with people I didn't know right and I would, you know, go to the cafeteria and sit there like by myself and I did have a full deluxe threats are just like I'm looking at people wondering what you know what they're thinking of me by it all alone. There, but I did took me a while and I realize earlier a lot more students like me then maybe were willing to admit. I think there's an imposter system that's syndrome that some students are like they wanted project.

The fact that they fit in but it just takes a while and it's jarring and take the long road and allow yourself to settle in.

It takes time to be three semesters Jim before I felt like I'M really kinda getting the groove of college and but it's gotta be patient with yourself and look at things and I think in increments well and you know somebody who knows you. Now, like I do. I did know you and your college student and I don't see that person that isolated person eating lunch by themselves in the college cafeteria. I'm baffled by like I just don't see that but let me just to practical for that minute. How did you come out of that. What did you do to sale camel to go meet friends.

What and then were you accepted in that context, and did it start rolling in a positive direction for you. I remember being a basketball game on a Saturday night next to Brian but I was very popular outgoing played football and was student body or class president. Whatever he was asking Brian Tracy said, and I am going to a birthday party after after the games that you want to come with me and let my hands gently started to sweat. What if I go and no one talks to be and what if I get stuck there and I can't come back to my car and I said now you know Brian Rackley go gun eyed wide about something.

I got a paper due in. I member. I walked back that long, lonely sidewalk to the residence hall that Saturday night, about halfway down. I just had like this metamorphic moment and I said like Naaman ago. So I turned around and Mike headed right towards a parking lot were horrified find them in his car near he was in his Volkswagen Sirocco. If you report that is right and I thank that is when Bill and I said hey Brian I'm I think I'll go to the party and he looked in the backseat sweeping the backseat.

He said you know they side with the cars full and I my heart sunk.

I thought you know what, even when I try I still sale and then someone the backseat said no, no, I will make room for you while, and that they made Rome and I went in that night, things change for me again is my third semester in college and you know I had a step out of my comfort zone. I had a risk failure. I had to do something that for me was like really hard to do but somebody also had to say no begin the car to make room for you right it took both of those dimensions in college, my willingness to push myself beyond what I was comfortable doing something else to say. You know what, come on, we need you. We want you so for those of you who are extroverts look for the people take me in college who are like walking lonely down the sidewalk to debug cells and luncheon and welcome the men and for those of you are sitting by herself and luncheon walking lonely down the sidewalk like take a chance, trying something trial for play or your run for office or planar murals or do something that maybe is a bit hard for you to do and it might not work out and you might fail, but failed well. College is a great place to fail. By the way valve, the more I a lot of stories about that.

So anyway that's up that's a little bit of my own odyssey on how I navigated but I that's it's timeless I see it happening to students today and it just takes time for some students to really feel like they're part of this community, but when they take the long road. They tend to be like the strongest leaders I've seen on campus. Well I so appreciate that.

That's very, very good to hear your story. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is. Cory, the president of Baylor University and he's written a book called make the most of it. A guide to loving your college years and we have copies of that to great resource for parents and students is that by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or give us a call.

Our numbers 800 K in the word family.

Barry, I want to kinda go a little further now and this pandemic situation. One of the interns told us that in this is a paraphrase. She worried about sinking into depression sensual be home alone doing her coursework online.

Everything from an isolated perspective. I don't know at Viola or if in the Association of Christian colleges you had a discussion about this but speak to that issue that very issue. You're talking about, and how the environment now is actually isolating students to the point where depression can set in, because they're not getting relational feeding if I could say it that way right. I think that way this spring semester ended on virtually all college campuses is like this abrupt pivot students went home. It was stunningly a disruptive M&M dorm rooms weren't even cleaned out. I know a couple of my friends they had to go back to get their stuff couple mightily that it wasn't yet that happens across campuses, big and small public-private.

It was just this sudden change, but I think colleges are much more prepared now than they were in the fall for the flexibility you find that with your faculty. So I would encourage parents to encourage their students or students are listening to this is that the other co-curricular part of your education is going to be there. There are many ways to be involved in clubs and organizations on your campus this semester, even if not physically there. There are spiritual formation and chapel programming that you have access to that maybe you didn't.

In the spring.

There is student development in an intern networking and career placement at Learning Center. All of those are going to be at your disposal in places like Viola, we have a student coaches for new students coming on board if they don't start right away were actually starting remotely until we get the green light from the state of California to begin to fade.

Students back in the meantime, our faculty and our students are reaching out to new students were forming small communities so it's not going to be as bad as it was in the spring, but is not to be completely what what what would be if students were here. I think students should see this as more of.

I'm just going to sit on his own class and then not be participate in a sales are lots of other dimensions of college life co-correctly that you can participate in an and you should look for those opportunities and you should initiate those opportunities as well.

Will is similar to what you just said before that break that you know you can't sit at the table alone. You gotta find a way to meet people and then go and you know this could be a really downward spiral. If you do sit at home and you're on the virtual class and you don't get out.

Find ways to connect really is what you're saying he let me go back to the fail well because I'm united pretty good in school and high school was pretty easy. So when I got into a foreign language class.

I really didn't think I needed to go to the lab at college because I a high school Spanish was so easy that I had to take that class again. It didn't feel like failing.

Well, it felt expensive to me what you mean by failing well. Please teach me well yeah well I'm teaching myself like so I feel plenty times in college I felt like I just I wasn't assertive enough going on.

I tried running for office.

My freshman year and like Claude or was he like close and I think I've learned since then. I wish I knew it now when that failure happens to ask the question, not why did this happen to me. But maybe why did this happen for me and that's been helpful for me that again. College is a great place to try things that you've never tried before, but don't over dramatize your failure. There is a phrase that I use in the book that I picked up from this and why use social scientist named Jonathan Hite.

You might have read some of his stuff is amazing writer is called catastrophize and yes that means like making something worse than what it really is. So your student had you know in your college and you and you Shayla quiz. I feel the quiz upon to fill the midterm in this class are trying to fill the class because I feel the classifier to drop out of college by little my parents rest my life that you feel the quiz right so that's a catastrophize and that we got gently how this one thing that didn't work out so well. It's like it's a metaphor for the rest of my life. I think that's what we need to cut a move beyond an and just take that failure to realize on the do some fine tune adjusting get some practical advice and help from you services on your campus on a mentors and students. The kind encourage you just so take the small failures with a grain of salt.

And don't think that a small failure is going to end up like crescendo waiting to just like this epic failure of you as a human being you are not a failure. Maybe something that you did didn't work out, but that doesn't mean you are a failure and so keep on giving yourself permission to try something new.

You're incredibly gifted as students you have these talents that are maybe but below the surface, it come out when you try things and finally found something that I actually can paint in paper form of business majors. I just think those are the things that you keep pushing into you also speak about your attainments in your book and I think I get that but it's that distraction and that's why this is a good place to mention it. You know I'm on the data to boys and certainly one of the things that they find very entertaining is gaming and I know you have a lot of college students coming into the college experience who were spending too much time with gaming and other things.

So what what you getting at with your attainments, your attainments are like things he did entertain yourself that are ultimately irritating to your soul and I'm okay we have students play video games that we have students that you know binge watch Netflix and like I say you shouldn't do that, but what I on a think you need to do is just like look at your own self-control in college and make healthy choices. Know your limits set your boundaries. It's not just watching countless hours of Hulu and it's not just like playing video games until three in the morning those like bad choices to make, but does mean you can't play video games or or or watch something on on on your streaming videos, but I think in college is also the real danger in many colleges of this culture of binge drinking and hookup culture and in less you really set your boundaries ahead of time and have some kind of accountability on the decisions that you're making it's going to be really hard and I think that the it's easy to get swept and epic. You need to go to a party to succeed. Chances are, the next morning was going to remember what have been the party anyway right so if you have a second cognizant is a little coat of a book on this book.

I like to read it. Some from my friend Marilyn my went.

I was on the phone with him this morning for 18 years. We like prayer partners like once a weekly he's back in Boston.

He graduated from Harvard and here's how he talks on his first day at Harvard so he had just begun as a freshman he was committed to deepening his faith in college. He sent a note in order to do this you need to put his mind and heart into it and he told me in a very key moment for him things very first night in the residence hall there in Cambridge, Massachusetts at at his first night as a freshman at Harvard and here's what I wrote that he totally put this you know I did uses in the book.

He said that's what I really began to sweat these guys partying freshman came into my room and I and a bookshelf and I'd shelve my library prominent titles included Josh McDowell's evidence that demands a verdict.

My utmost for his highest, by Oswald Chambers in the real mother load John White sparrows to file an exploration on sexual purity. One of these drunken freshmen in my room found these books and they did whose books are these, my roommate disavowed any ownership hey what the Bible one of these guys pulled that off-the-shelf it with a mock preacher voice began reading a random text quote. I've learned the secret of being content in every situation there is some laughter. He continued with a well fed or hungry, whether living in plein air and want gradually as he read his tone changed back to his own voice.

He slowed his reading and with all the sarcasm gone quietly finished with I can do everything through him who gives me strength. He stopped reading and there was a silence in the room an eternity of silence. Finally, one of the others said softly. I guess we should get going and they all walked out shutting the door behind them. Them I would says this at that moment the Holy Spirit brought one verse to my mind in the language of the King James version, no less, choose you this day whom you shall serve bank Joshua 2415 right out of the gate God was putting the challenge down that first night, lying wide-awake in a Harvard bed having just witnessed the power of Scripture to render a bunch of my alcohol lubricated classmates silent. I replied that by his grace I was gonna serve him. It's making those decisions in the beginning of your time. This book is written for Jesus following college students you might be at a public college or private or Christian or not, or suburban or rural bigger small but college is a time where students as you know, between 18 and 22, they develop more relationally and psychologically and spiritually and intellectually, and this is such a precious time in the life of a student that I covet the opportunity for all students to be able say like I would make some good choices in college and sure all make mistakes along the way. But I'm really really prepare myself to make the most of my time in college and part of that is saying chooses daily on this earth. Man, Dr. Barry Cory, president of Viola we could, and in this any better. I mean you just put the exclamation point on it all with that story and I so appreciate you taking time if possible.

I know organ in here for the broadcast of the podcast but maybe we can go a little longer online and folks can join us. But I've got a couple more questions and then we have some interns that will ask a couple questions. Can you hang with this and will go online for little extended time are a Jim Daly. I would do about anything. All right great let's do that. Thanks for me with this very. Oh yeah great to be on Focus on the Family.

Jim and I yelled was God's best on all of the work that you're doing as well. Thanks so much and once again Dr. Cory's book is called make the most of it. A guide to loving your college years. We do have copies of that here give us a call 800 K in the word family or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast John, let me just reiterate as a father of college student and assume to be college student, I want to encourage people to get a copy of this. This is a great resource for your young person to have and for use apparent have some dialogue with so if you can make a gift of any amount and if you can't afford it will get it in your hands. I'm sure others will cover the cost of that as part of doing ministry together, but we believe in this and I think berries done an outstanding job addressing the issues of the day for college students and that again a gift of any amount and if you can afford to just get in touch with us will get it to you and then that way we can do ministry together yet. We really want you to have this book so call today.

Our number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by focusonthefamily.com/Brian and be sure join us next time as Greg and Aaron Smalley are here to talk about why marriages drift and what you can do about it. I think we put so much effort and energy into courting dating winning her putting that ring on her finger. But we know this is that often times when we accomplish that then are our focus changes to all these other things. So for your job voice careerwise having kids stay involved with friends and family.

All these things cry for attention in their weekends than a slow fade. That's next time on Focus on the Family.

And remember, when you get in touch let us know how your listening on a website through mobile app or honor podcast.

I'm John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Join us next time. As we help you and your family thrive