Intelligence: Discovering Your Child's Unique Gifts (Part 1 of 2)

This season of your life are always moving forward single hood marrieds, parenting, and through it all. Focus on the Family is alongside you. With encouragement from the biblical perspective and now we have a new tool that gathers our trusted guidance support together in one place be enhanced Focus on the Family with it you can listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast in danger social media or make a donation downloaded today from the app store for Google play and kids need to know they're smart or they're never going to feel as good about themselves and then they lower their expectations for their tomorrows they don't achieve may be as much as they could. Best, Dr. Kathy Cook. She joins us today on Focus on the Family your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly and John Fuller, John, you know, there's another school year run around the corner that comes fast summer just close by and were all gearing up his parents to get those kids back into Berger's study, sports and are you ready no matter but it is busy it's busy and that way and it's a good thing for parents to be engaged. I'm looking forward to it. You know for Trent Troy.

I'm excited to hear from Mark yesterday Kathy Cook because she is so wonderful at identifying the assets in the gifts and the talents that our sons and daughters possess and to help us as parents better understand how to identify those gifts and talents and then how to hopefully accentuate them and make sure that the kids feel just good about themselves, but the understand who they are better and that you know Trent, Troy, they're so different.

Your Troy is the kind a kid when I we go on vacation. He'll get his homework done ahead of time and visit the blessing not to nag him is used. Hey, I'm done. I did it Windsor Duke two weeks from now how and who doesn't want that kid entrance struggles a bit more.

You know he does it the night before is going to school and in those of the kinds of things you want talk about personality types, how they play into school and were right there on the precipice with school and I think it's can be a great help for parents today. It's going to be Jim and that includes you and me in several inter-control room and Dr. Kathy Cook has such great hard children and for helping you be a champion for your children. She's the founder and president of celebrate kids Inc. and she speaks frequently to parents and educators, and even has sessions for kids themselves. Kathy let me welcome you back to Focus on the Family, thank you so much Jim and Phil to be here. Thank you John for your enthusiasm as well so I think his parents were both excited and anxious. No pressure. I leave with the answers why do we feel that at the beginning, the school years. Parents I mean it's going to be when it's going to be.

Why do we feel that anxiety whether or not our sons and daughters are going meet the standard you love your kids right and you have a dream for their tomorrows and you want them to become who they were created to be. And you know they're not stupid and you want them to apply themselves. You want them to step up to the plate and hit the homerun at the same time because I know you you want them to hit the single if that's what they're called to hit right and and I appreciate that so much about you and even the passion of focus in general is that when I can be perfectionistic, you know, straight a student.

That's not God's design for all of us. So how do we accept and how do we love and that your passion you know it was on the show. We talked with that I can remember the person that gave me this idea but they said you know if you got a straight a student, it might be good for you as a parent to say to them it's okay if you get a be and I did that with Troy and my youngest is EE puts a lot of pressure on himself to do really well and I appreciate that, but I remember the day I did that I said Troy it's okay if you bring a be home and I just remember him exhaling going really.

I said will you want to go to your standard whatever you can achieve.

You want to reach for that.

But don't be unrelenting on yourself. You got it you know you can breathe a little and I thought that was being really good for him emotionally excellent, excellent, and I think when children get older and move into post high school educational opportunities and career opportunities. They have to discover where to put the energy right when you're younger you can do the whole day of school, and you can really manage your spelling in your math and your science and history and your Spanish in your computer new music and art everything and covered them all what you know and then when life gets more complex and assignments get longer and you begin to focus because God reveals more to you about who he's really created you to be and where your passions and your gifting's are going to land you have to build it, then say Hyman to really work hard in chemistry and I went to give myself a break in this other class and I think there's wisdom there where the fatigue sets and yeah what you for this wonderful book. Eight. Great smarts discover and nurture your child's intelligences you talk about that because you mention personality type and you can if you have two children, you have very distinct different people and I know that's true for me.

You have six kids. John there all leaps and bounds, but talk about that you can't parent the same way with each child. You gotta come up with unique strategies right absolutely for personality for multiple intelligences. For spiritual gifts. You know were uniquely designed in God's image, you know, John, your children were not designed in yours and your wife's and that's why you know there different and unique, partly because God is so creative and so complete, so knowing strategies that work best for one kid may not work best for another is freeing to you they can confuse the kids because it maybe looks like were not fair and I love to sit the kids, you're not the same. So I don't treat you the same. That would be unfair because you're more word smarter. Your more outgoing or you're more gifted in this way, we expect this from you. We don't expect the same from your brother that's fair that you mentioned the word smart. Let's cover the eight sure great smarts as you've identified them, and that in them will delve into them one by one, but talk about the eight just give us the list. A quick overview great, so all in all of us have all eight if I could start by saying that I don't want anyone to listen ago. I don't have that are my son and my husband know we all have the capacity for all aids but some are more accentuated. Yet his strength. Some are intermediate. Some might not be yet awakened. If our children are young or maybe they're not as strong.

I think many adults have five or six or maybe even seven that we can rely on very easily. One or two that we maybe have to choose to go to if we want to but here they are. Here's the eight I'm word smart will be in words what we think with words if were excited. We tend to talk and we don't need an audience what you talking into a mirror talking inside of I have okay excitement or think that what yeah we talk out loud to process information is often a word, smart characteristics were also logic smart and those of us are logic smart think with questions.

We love it when the world makes sense.

We tend to gravitate toward math and science love to discover information on our own and then there's picture smart people, all of us. Again, our picture smart kids who have a lot of pictures. My brain cells. I'm thinking in pictures with their eyes, they can be more imaginative and creative. They might go toward arts and fiction in history because things come alive in their mind they may do the will to pay attention to us, actually. And then there's a music smart intelligence and I really appreciate that this model of intelligences affirms art and music and says to us that these are ways of being smart.

This is interesting, creative, this isn't just being talented and artistic. Your talented and artistic because you are smart and that's a power word and kids need to know they're smart or they're never going to feel as good about themselves and then they lower their expectations for their tomorrows and they don't achieve may be as much as they could have.

Those of us are music smart think with rhythms and melodies and music is our energy we created when were excited so we told happy bebop we draw my finger to rotate our brothers who have been. It's a good thing to be music smart. And then there's body smart people that were the ones who move Shake, Rattle, and roll. We move and we touch and we do it more when you excite us and we might not necessarily ADD know the great question. ADD ADHD is a chemical imbalance of the brain. You can actually have that and you know what I think Jim if you taking your kids to pediatrician and a neurologist in allergist maybe at a health nutrition person and there's evidence of ADD, ADHD, any of the other dangerous disease so to speak, then call it what it is and Medicaid if it's appropriate, but don't give them an excuse to be inattentive because I have this disability. It's actually a gift that can be channeled for really good things and what were doing this were same to you kids you know you can't do this well because you this one of their body smart one of God created them to passionately move like I talk with my hands when a radio studio. No one's watching but you and I'm talking with my hand.

It's part of how I process information and I don't want to be told I shouldn't do that all day long I will go to think well well that's a problem in schools, particularly an end with boys, particularly because boys tend to move a lot absolute. I member when my kids were in elementary school in a really smart teacher said to one of my sons friends in the class were going to set you in the back, not as a penalty, but that way you can get up if you want to and you can stand and move around in the back of the class and she just kind of told the whole class what was going on while and then it seemed to work well and the boy learned and did well in that class. You know Jim if we can give kids the freedom to be who they were crated to be and explain the uniqueness factor so that other kids don't get jealous or judgmental. It's powerful and what I really believe is that when body smart children who have a need to move in touch can move in touch when they can, then they will bill to handle it more readily when they can't. When their grandma's house with fine China were there in a restaurant and they need to keep their hands to themselves, they can handle that with a bit more self-control because they know they have freedom later right right was kind of dove right into the body smart. What would let's stick with it and then we'll come back to get more detail in the others, okay, but on the body smart one had as a parent parent that body smart child.

I mean I give an example were teacher did it. But when that fidgety kid is you know he's just cheaper.

He is doing what he does. How do you refrain from saying Johnny stop it. Come on Johnny, stop it, and the poor kids when I can help it. Mom, when it's not inappropriate just energy right. I think this understanding is really powerful when parents look at that behavior and go. My child is smart right there you change your whole perspective toward your child and toward your child's behavior will we don't want is paralysis to set in the brain is like a muscle, and it's alive if you well and so if a kid hears constantly sit down Saddam put that don't sit still. You're driving me nuts begin to really feel broken and badly about themselves and that part of the brain can actually shrink in its size temporarily praise God. It can be reawakened later if we do the right kind of thing so part of the power and understanding this model is to observe it as behavior, not misbehavior. Interesting units misbehavior.

If a child is been told to sit down and sit still and chooses not to be obedient to that request, but it's behavior when it's energy when they're thinking when their learning.

We process Best Buy movement. So these kids benefit from clipboards and beanbag chairs and rocking chairs being allowed to pace.

One of the things I things very effective if you need to talk to about is my child about behavior, about school issues about friendship. He sees about anything, don't make that child sit down and look at you, let him paste in the kitchen of the dining room or walk up and down the stairs while you're having a serious conversation if you make them sit and look at you. He may not actually engage with your thoughts lately as much right and so in tune parent might sales go for walk. Excellent idea. Go to the house. We yeah that's a good way to do that okay there's couple more than will come back and get a little deeper with each okay the nature smart intelligence on these are the kids in the Delta think with patterns such related a picture smart because the eyes are engaged, but it's the specific ability to see and recognize. Remember the pattern. I know it's a bluebird not a blue Jay because I remember the blue goes on either the body of the bird of the wing of the bird.

I know the names of the clouds and I don't. I'm not very nature smart. I I am nature smart because all of us have all eight I have greater interest than ability and you'd think that because I fly all the time. I want to know the names of those clouds because I'm not very nature smart that vocabulary doesn't stick okay. Is there another wonders that are two more to show interesting people, smart people think with other people.

So we like to talk and we need an audience we get our joy from telling what we know were brainstorms and networkers will do her homework best in the kitchen, surrounded by other people. Probably than in a room alone, which is so interesting. There a lot of people think that you have to have quiet and there is a place for that daughter that does that. She's a 10 o'clock and I shall say I'm going off to study with bunch of friends and I'm thinking I don't know how you do that yeah we know what's really interesting, John.

A lot of intellectual pursuit accomplished on airplanes, even though I talked to no one those was for people smart. There's something about the energy of the people, even if were not interacting with them. Do you either as you prove exactly. And then if the more people smart we are, the more we enjoy the kind of effect is radial fund and here's a great time right because were people smart and were engaged when interacting in responding to the body language that were exhibiting toward each other. That's a people smart trait will talk more about that later. I would love to unpack that for parents because I think it's being awakened later because of technology and it really concerns me, but we can move on if you want yet. What's it that last for the lesson is self smart and it's kind of the exact opposite. So people smart people think with other people sell smart people and this might be you John which is why you contrast with your daughter cells. When people think deeply inside of themselves by reflection and more quiet environment fly away from others. Peace privacy and space that Selig is no language as some island and a lot of people don't have that today right, peace, privacy, space and quiet. Come on kids and busy parents and no loud apps and games in the videos are always on some concern about that one as well that I think Maureen exactly yeah but you know what you and you have this intelligence, it's just not as significantly important to you was talk about it in the broad context is you've hit him and will go back and take a look at each, but for the parent that has a deficit on on those say the wrong thing here but when you're your smart areas not as smart. Now maybe that one. Maybe if John were my son I you he is appointed and he's going go be contemplative and to think maybe sit in his room. I'm I'm taking that as a parent is a sign of of rejection he's pulling back what I have to do and then I go in and want to talk to him and it's like pestering him even more so now he's feeling crowded and going dad. I just need some space and I'm getting more frustrated because why are you saying you need to make your just a typical teenager talk to me.

I don't feel like talking. How did the differences the strengths in the lesser strengths that would say that what Patty have to be aware of that is apparent so you don't trample your children ministry how you like that I was a loaded question that was so powerful Jim because he is not like to say first. If your children have always craved quiet. If they woke up in the crib and they didn't need you to immediately pick them up if they were to and they played alone. Well, for a few minutes with their dolls, trucks or blocks.

I believe that self smart, and it is it's born into us and it shows up really early.

You need to than peer at this child in and give this boy or girl space and alone time and chance to reflect and not be offended by that, but it's different if they use to preview and used to need you and use to always answer questions very quickly and all of a sudden they're not. Now, something's happened and maybe there is an interaction issue with you and the family. Maybe there was a peer group thing that went on and they're scared to talk with you about. It's what I say.

The parents is if the behavior changes. All of a sudden something's different, and it could actually be at an awakening of a smart because of something is happening not in the stars. And it's always bad, but it's often indicative that something negative is maybe going on. So as a first now as it is I make sense. What will it does make sense, and you have to be engaged as a parent to feel the contours of the love that word and I think this information again. And giving language to people who have always observed something so now we know it's a whipping smart. It's not bad it's just different. I do respect the challenge of parenting children were different from you and you have to recognize the parent is not about you and your happiness. It's about you parenting the child according to God's design of that child, and when children learn this information you know when children listen to this broadcast and they go will mommy that's why sometimes need to be alone and you keep coming to me insane. What's wrong, I like nothings wrong.

I may just need some space by me. This is why we let your kids listen to this with you and give them the empowerment to stand up for themselves. Respectfully, you listen Focus on the Family today.

Our guest is Kathy Cook, Dr. Kathy, Kirk, and she has written a great book called the eight great smarts to discover and nurture your child's intelligences that can I bring God into this. I want to because I think what you're reading here in terms of what you've discovered in these intelligences is God's design in the human brain right yes and let me say Jim that Howard Gardner is the gentleman at Harvard University who did discover this I'm he's psychologist who did the heavy lifting to determine that the brain has these eight different smarts.

It's been my joy and privilege to take his very theoretical and heavy work and I could and that's about to parents and to the Christian community.

When I think so often in the Christian community.

We look at this and I don't want to sound too academic. You know, science.

In my opinion, proves the existence of God conflict with it.

And so when we look at behavior and human beings. God has set it up this morning. That is why we have differences. When you look at the very basic one. I mean a lot of married couples are this gene and I are this and that is extrovert and introvert.

Does that very fundamental personality type play into these intelligences with kids and parents. It's so interesting that you bring that up. See if you can follow this. If your extroverted meaning that you get your energy from people and your people smart by the intelligence you will really need to be with people, both for the energy and for the thinking, and so for you to separate and be alone or spend a lot of time on the road alone. Whatever is probably really hard. What's interesting is you can be extroverted, meaning that you get energy from people and be self smart.

By God's design, meaning you think alone, so that's an internal conflict. Potentially you can feel confused and unsure of yourself and you can confuse the people you live with and work with and learn with because you appear to be inconsistent or moody. This is such a valuable rhythm so people give you energy but your best thoughts come when you pull away.

We got to give kids the ability to know that so that they can feel that internal rhythm can actually feel like you're bipolar interchange or not. And then we can look at this. What if you're introverted, meaning you get your energy when you're alone and yourself smart you think when you're alone, you will probably very much be known as a loner and again.

Have your children been there since the time they were born, not eating as many playmates not wanting as big of a birthday party is a sister. Much of this is because they have maybe both introverted and self smart.

I think anything of this situation where you are introverted getting your energy alone people smart thinking with people that actually mean yeah I'm an introvert so I need my alone time for energy and renewal, but I like thinking with people thoughts when I'm alone sometimes because God is generous and then I'll need to bounce them off of someone that's fascinating. I so appreciate the desire to bring God into this mix and Kathy you said earlier, he's so unique and creative. That gives us these children that aren't so easily boxed and I want to be clear for those who are just joining us. It's not that you're one of these and he treats you are all of them is just a matter of how well developed, they are suddenly instead of walking away with an easy answer your saying your child is complex, you need to really be a student where will it could be overwhelming.

Let me see it this way. First I like to say that God's in charge of it all right.

God allows and causes, and so when people say to me you how much of this is God. Is it the nature you're born with the gene pool and all batteries at the nurture that comes alongside and and how much that is God.

It's 100% guy because he does allow unfortunately because of the sin nature. He allows trauma and tragedy and send it to be a factor in how kids are raised so it's a little bit of both. Certainly, paralysis takes place. Jim paralysis of the mind is a must, like a muscle and it has shape and function, and it can be paralyzed by critical spirit by I'm rejection by abandonment.

I'm all of intelligences I heard stories. For instance, of children who you were talking too much because they were words I was I was a chatty Kathy is a kid and if I would've been raised in dysfunction you be quiet be quiet shot. I'm so sick of you.

Would you get out of here and governs on the to do.

I wouldn't be here today. I could relate to that, Kathy.

I mean I was probably four or five years old when my mom's best friends Penny who is a neighbor said to me you have diarrhea of the mouth and I can remember.

It is so wounded me.

I mean, I think it did in a large way, it actually curtailed my verb post which might be a good thing. But you know what I mean is did. I can remember where we were standing I'm I'm literally four years old and I was I was chatty like you and she turned and said that to me she said with a smile on her face it was and mean-spirited and he were a child. That night is like a blow like I remember just going quiet and walking away thinking, oh I have to be quiet. That's what adults want. So how exciting is it that you're here, though not really because what happened was somebody came along and reawakened what she attempted to paralyze and that's God that's God being good that's God being generous. That's God who knew what he made you and why he put all those words and you and he allowed some other positive encounter to come alongside is that compensate for that and reawakened what might've been paralyzed, so no matter the trauma no matter the pain. No matter the rejection, the critical spirit, the perfectionism of the rejection.

Whatever it is that's gone on in kids lives when they learn to receive love and they discovered that security can once again be theirs or for the first time ever be. There's that part of the brain that possibly went dark because of trauma, you and Jean are privileged to be a week reawakened so don't lose hope. It's never too late to have an effect I heard you saying Kathy that your parents really they didn't shut you down on that that verbal aspect of your life. No John, I'm so grateful they saw it as a strength to develop not a problem to eliminate that's your choice is apparent right or grandparent or a teacher to see that the movement the need to be outside the constant humming. The constant doodling. The constant questions the constant talking. It's your choice at your power to see it is good, and to strengthen it and focus said rather than to think it's a problem I've got to eliminate so will my parents did was by me at the source. When I was seven and I've written books using that thesaurus. I still own it for me which is fine. It's pretty bitter and then when I was 10 then roaming children's theater and they said go talk there while is a true story but guess what it's children's theater where I learned to enunciate and learn to use the power of the voice to reflect and to be energetic right and then when I was in high school I joined the French 16 when I gave speeches earning ribbons.

What I do now to earn a living, public speaker, is God knew what he was doing when he made me, me, and I praise God for parents and her brother grandparents and extended family who came alongside and allowed me to be that learn to listen you could say that early that is so fascinating. Absolutely. Well then I stand and I've God and I know that I am blessed and I also know that parents can help kids do a U-turn and parents appear to hear me speak will go smarter than I thought I was another peer has greater hope for him or herself and that extends in the children at Kathy. I need to assess even the right. It the end of today, but were to come back next time and working to get end of the eight a little more deeply but with the description of the kids in their behavior and that way the action, the activity, the verb post this, whatever it might be why do some parents get irritated with that. It is just it writes against them, and it creates friction in the relationship with their kids address that quickly. Sometimes it's because they don't have the same smarter. They have a really hard time relating an understanding of why really say is it is a nut in its fatigue. It's been overwhelmed.

It's parents who are confused are so many reasons. I think the main number one reason would be.

I don't share the same smart necessarily as a strength and therefore I can't enter into a conversation go places with my kid.

I don't like art. I don't want to go to the museum. He always wants to go to the art museum. He wants to go to the craft store because he so pictures when I want to go there and again it's not about our happiness is about our choice to raise the children.

We were given and we need to step into that reality went so often is not even necessarily that much of a rejection is just a lack of interest. Certain which is rejection so that Kathy Cook, author of eight great smarts discover and nurture your child's intelligences. That's what were talking about today.

I think John was really laid the groundwork for the discussion next time. So let's come back and do that and I would want to say you know help us if you can financially and what I'd like to do is give you the book for gift of any amount of our way of saying thank you for supplying the fuel here focus to staff the counseling department. The phones and all the things that are going on here to help families do much better job than where they're at today in the I would want to say thank you by giving you a copy of Kathy's book and you can request the book we got the details get in touch with us in the episode, Kathy. Let's come back next time and get into the smarts. We do it. I'd love to and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team. Thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we hear more from Dr. Kathy Cook and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ, with all the tap room right now you may be looking for ways to attain and encourage her family would like to help you do just that by giving you a 28 day free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club you can find our back catalog of adventures in Odyssey programs. These exciting episodes are a great way to keep you and your family connected to truth. As you continue to navigate through significant changes to your lives to go to a club to get started on your free 28 days of adventures and ops that's AIU club.