Balancing Bonding and Boundaries as a Parent

Danny and Alicia thought their family was done until they listen to Focus on the Family.

They said something in that broadcast about being willing to open your heart to a child that may need a home and I remember praying in the car that tensing the Lord. If diet is the direction that you ever want to take as I just want you to know that I'm open to that. Today Danny and Alicia are proud parents to baby Chloe what I love about Focus on the Family are now more than ever, is that it encourages people in buyers people into a life of abundance serving God, but not only does it do.but it challenges us to take risks for the kingdom I'm Jim Daly together we can encourage more adoptive parents like Danny and Alicia help us find a forever family for an orphan. Today, visit focusonthefamily.com/strengthen families as we ponder the kids and hang out with our kids and they get to know us clean so much for mustard and clean so many values that sometimes that rule of go to bed at this time. Or, you know, can't load all of this applet isn't going to teach them. Jonathan McKee joins us today on Focus on the Family John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly Arjan. If you've ever done something that you weren't really sure about yourself and I wish I could do it, do pretty much every day of my life and on throughout. I got the kids I say something to somebody. I mean it's not like I've uploaded totally today moments today have like to relive. I think all of us have had that situation several times a day. Maybe every once in a while, but when it comes to parenting.

I think a lot of this if were honest, we would want to do a do over here there.

I just had last night man. Trent spilled the drink in my car and I was not happy I had to slip a note under the door saying I'm so sorry. I love my interior of my car more than you last let it soak. Please forgive me for not being the happiest person when you spill your Coke in my in my talk and let it out because if I saved is minimal chance for a do over. But today we want to talk about that when it comes to parents and wanting a do over. For those of us that are still in that role. Let's hear from someone who's been through it and can point the way to those moments when maybe you can get it right the first time you and our guest today is can help us learn how to do battle well and get through it all I Jonathan McKee is with us. He is very candid about his share of parenting flubs as he calls them and he wants to help us and I'm saying us because I'm this content so much. I'm glad you're saying that you want to help us learn to become better and wiser as we help our kids become adults.

He's got over 20 years of youth ministry experience.

Jonathan speaks to parents and leaders and teams worldwide and his wife Lori have three adult children. Jonathan welcome back to focus on so glad to be here to start with the question what's the biggest do over you and want to have a man you know I think for me and and and there are so many right there with you about this but it's probably much like incidents like you say, thinking of something dumb like a spill or whatever you know where where I just you know let my temper get the best of me and remember moments like that, let me ask you this because some of that is born out of our family of origin. I mean that's what you learn as a child from your parents. Parenting capability.

We bring a lot of that into our parenting, knowing, and even to the point where you you kids someday will say to you, you're just like grandpa. Are you just like grandma and you go cringe well on it. We can teach what we know that we can only reproduce who we are and so I mean is, as parents and we could know have all kinds of rules and all kinds of stuff. But inevitably there to be watching us and that's a scary thing if if we handle situations a certain way with inappropriate that's probably how there can handle.

So in your speaking and talking to thousands of parents about their flubs as you call them.

What's the most common flub well this is all the things where I start to hear the same thing over and over again because as I was asking parents. I got my workshops and and I start to hear the same thing. What were a lot of parents were the same and I wish I would've done this and I think the interesting thing to me was, we have a lot of venues where parents can share this did anything about. There's not a lot of places were purchased together, go hey I messed up the other day.

It is kind of embarrassing summonses. Private stuff you want to talk about how you feel lost your temper and start yelling at your kids or whatever it is you did so I found when I saw these venues like you get at at a church were also need have like a gathering of parents for Sunday school class and you'd like a panel of parents up on stage sharing some the stuff I noticed it. Parents worse.

Like, I mean pens were out there taking notes because whenever parents as I wish. If I had a chance to do it over again I would do this man everybody's paying full attention so so when I saw this and noticed that man did this is good information. What if we harness to much of that information. So I started asking parents and I asked literally hundreds of parents personally and parent workshops did post out to my readers and stuff that can't share what is it if you could do one thing over again what would you do over and the answer started to come in at and overwhelmingly the number one answer in in however they word it came out something like I wish I would've spent more time with my More time. I wish I would've hung out with my kit, which will put my kid to bed more and actually assessing good night from downstairs and I wish I would've actually showed up at their stuff more.

I wish I would've you know instead of watching them play in the ocean from the sand. I wish I would've gone in the ocean with them over and over again. That was the overwhelming answer by far, nothing came close. Well it's into the program and spend more time you talked in your book about bonding and boundaries in your alluding to that right now but I love that common word phrases that helps keep it simple for me as a dad bonding and boundaries.

What's the conflict in what we do with having a both very important elements in parenting in any parenting relationship. A lot of us obviously will have boundaries of the kids are important.

That's when we tell them you don't hate you know you go to bed at this time are sorry no phone in the bedroom or whatever those rules are, but bonding is at time or hang out with her kids were talking with our kids are where we were laughing over Pete's you know and and and Decca stuff and both these are very important but it's funny to think about. I must parents even a blessing.

They immediately start, thinking it must gravitate towards one or the other a little more you know so serve just better to hanging out not so good at that. You know imposing any boundaries. Some of us were kind of we tend to gravitate more towards the boundaries and and my point in that chapter and talk about that is that I think we should tip the scales towards the bonding and don't get me wrong I'm not saying don't have boundaries. Nothing like doing what I'm just saying if you not me personally. For example, I let my boundaries hinder my bonding because when I would walk in a room.

It was very much I was the parole officer is like 8 feet off the couch and what you doing what you watching what you and you could use even see it.

The expression on their faces as accountable when my doing wrong and I think the thing that a lot of parents aren't thinking about is you know if mom and dad don't have a relationship with their kids, then most likely they're going to glean values from other sources. Let me tease that out a little bit because I think so. Often the Lord draws opposites together. Not always. And I know were going to hear from somebody John this is what my husband are very similar. I get that 8020 rule would probably apply here where your opposite certainly true of Jean and I and a boundary parent is it doesn't look too kindly on bonding parent and vice versa. Bonding parent has a problem with boundary parenting. How you talk that through you know when you put your head on the pillow at night. You guys are struggling with something and you are all about bonding. We are all about boundaries yeah and and it would be difficult to because I'm sure that the boundary parent would be like, you know you're always the good guy visualizes get the hang out he has what you know in this kind of stuff and I both parents need to be on board with this, you know, because both parents need to can understand both are important and you're right. Some people gravitate towards one or the other but I would go as far as to even tell that boundary parent that if that's all you are you might need even going to boundary fast will issue this to those who gets to assess whether that's all you are the child or you the parent. I was asked parents as they think about having about our listeners right now are probably thinking you know which one are you and I estimate it which one would your kids say you are forget what you say you are. Which one of your kids think that's the point, your kids will tell you and anyone that's a good discussion to have no then then the parents as well that that's not accurate you start arguing with Joe and and the thing is, as we start thinking about this. I think parents sometimes think okay boundaries are where I'm to teach my kids because if I can regiment some of these disciplines in our lives. That's where they'll learn and my point is just to, raise awareness that yellow so much of what kids can learn is because when you're hanging out with us. They're going to see how we treat that waitress. How we treat you how we react in anger how we do this and as we bond with her kids and hang out with our kids and they get to know us there to glean. So much for mustard and glean so many values that sometimes that rule of go to bed at this time.

Or, you know, can't load download. This applet isn't going to teach them. Let me through this one is God a boundary God are abundant. God while were looking at the God who looked down at us and on earth and decided himself to come down become flesh you know God incarnate, and dwell among us. He walked in and rub shoulders with us that he was Emmy he was out there connecting with people and when he met with the most hideous of sinners. His reaction was in a bunch of rules.

His reaction was to have a conversation with them and any was okay with their sin, but he was okay to say hey I don't care what you've been I care we are going and that relational God who wants a relationship with us. You know all through the Scripture we see that that love is this resounding theme that that you know we can know everything and prophesying is not, but if we don't have love.

We've got nothing, so relationships are obviously of a very high value. Well I think when you look at it that way.

Think bonding is what provides healthy boundaries and respect for those boundaries I think was Josh McDowell who said you know rules without relationship lead to rebellion. And that's a beautiful way to say that I'll say it again in case you want to write it down when you're listening there, but rules without relationship lead to rebellion and it's so true is well, absolutely. And before people start calling and complaining. I am not saying you know don't have any rules whatsoever is not effect you know you get later in the book, you'll sit there and see where I start. Talk about a what's it like to have a social media presence in your kids lives and stuff and some kids will even say hello, wait a second. You know, turn off my phone at night. You know, oh you like you have Instagram if you have Instagram with me and are my friend you I'm very for being in your kids life and being a part of this and having boundaries. My point on the bonding boundaries assembly. Let's tip the scales towards bonding well. Jonathan McKee is our guest today on Focus on the Family and it's a pleasure to have them back to talk about his book if I had a parenting do over seven vital changes I'd make and we've got copies for you@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast Jonathan my experience has been that I'm a boundaries guy.

I've learned to let go and really try to dial into the bonding aspects. The relational aspects, but age has something to do with this as well doesn't mean up to her later. The kids well the kids ages.

So 234. There are a lot of external rules because so much of life has to be learned when they hit the teens you got a kennel let go, but it's hard to find a commonality you want play a board game tonight know so for you to finding the relational time and activities kind hard for has another conversation last time was on the show. Talk about finding these venues to connect especially with kids that can't pry their eyes from their mobile devices, that that is tough, but it is interesting how we as parents, especially as our kids get older.

When I asked parents, empty-nesters parents with kids were seniors and juniors by far, the one regret they had was not having as much of that hangout time that, in effect, less than 2% of people that responded actually says it like I wish I had more boundaries less than 2%. The majority and would like I should hung out more, since that's that's where I'm a big advocate of St. look for these venues so you're saying it's not really a matter of the child's age go for relationship is much as possible, absolutely. And this is much easier when you've got an six and eight-year-old because your your kids hero and you're like me, you know, but 16 and 18. It is like whatever you know and that's we've got a look for those moments of enough I wrote that book all about, you know that all those different ways to connect with your smart phone access get its we've got a look for those moments because they occur. It day-to-day.

And sometimes that family dinner time. You know, we say no tech at the table and that's a time where literally dad doesn't have his phone if we can look for those venues where those kinds of connections occur, we need to maximize well and another thing that I liked in your book.

If I had a parenting do over seven vital changes I'd make was to say yes as often as you can summon that used to work your focus Clark Miller used to say that often say yes, that was his parenting do over all that's an excellent things. It's kind of a look back for me with my older kids are member honestly embarrassing times where you hate a dead play Xbox or and and me kind of saying hey I'm busy and by the time I got my youngest and sadly it really was. By the time I got my youngest. I remember just just making an oath to myself I don't care how busy you are, Jonathan. You can mother to work out of the house and Mike if my youngest was now juniors it comes up and it was times I member stack a stack of my desk to the ceiling you and inbox so full and I believe the next day and always different stuff and my daughter coming up and asking you know hey you want to go to lunch and the only natural answer would beat and I just absolutely don't have time and I'd made an oath and as I yes and measure expenses like that in the book where I dismember saying yes in a day where I didn't have time and looking back and going. Wow, that was that was one of those amazing moments in well because of saying yes and as a parent of teens you talked about the coat incident of 2012. Let's get right to it. I love that a parenting real redo moment is actually worthy of a title well and that's my chapter that I called let it go because the one thing you mentioned John about the ages email not only do they not want to hang out with us as much yellow as our kids grow in adolescents become teenagers, you know, they are just vying for independence, you know. And the thing that so hard as his parents the matter what we do very often you we can walk in and and say you know always billable day when I cannot really have had. They want to argue with everything you say you know you like what is wrong with you. You and this is any parent teenager knows. I mean it's most humbling experience ever being a parent of a team was hard to be wrong. So long as we are so stupid and they are so smart you had to live with such genius is in the house rough and you know it's hard because as a parent who knows better. There's times and and that particular instance. My daughter was walking down the stairs and and it's January. It's freezing outside and I said, apparently the most cruel world words you could ever say. As a parent I said where's your coat that started and that just started it right there because she was like a coat. She literally choose I don't need a coat and I was like hey there was frost on all the cars outside you could see your breath.

The cat is frozen solid back lawn. Get your coat and it started World War III. I may just yell because I thought to myself, you know, this is one of those things where I'm just to put the hill to die and looking back that's one of those moments, Jonathan commented coat. What's the worst to happen. She's good to go to school.

She can be so cold that you realize.

Dang, I really should've brought a coat today will in that context.

So I'm in your speaking truth, I'm feeling it but I don't know if you are an conversation not too long ago many of you listening or feeling it as well because we dig in his parents and it becomes more about the principle that it does the moment. What I want you to wear coat. Could you get cold. I know it.

Obviously you don't know it but you're going to take it no matter what and if we can learn a lot these moments will think ahead and will ask ourselves okay on sees us some you know moral value that she's violating here.

You don't not wearing a coat well-this issue is so often these are things that they actually could learn on their own, and I can't tell you how many parents that I surveyed the came back and he said I wish I would've let my kids feel the consequences of their own behavior more citizen jumping in and saving him and I was one of those moments and and letting it go. Where does one parent say this and and I will never forget it. This one parents that if I had a chance to do it over again I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and the way he said it was so smart he actually said he goes the very act.

Sometimes they would do something in the very act of correcting became so tedious and problematic that it created more of a problem than the original infraction as he said it. I reckon Isaacson might do that all the time in my house it something dumb like you know I told the floss and he brushed his teeth, but he didn't floss or whatever and it became World War III. It's like you know I can honestly say wait. What was this about again. Oh you flossing yeah and in your book you mentioned these things let it go, which is a great principle as part of the hardest for me at or about you jump letting ago can be one of the most of his there's a principal is like.

Let's keep the garage.

Claimants are to bring on what you have is press pause and it seems like I understand that what it will. What are you getting it that when his home in S and S regular vulnerable just because as I look back I mean if there's one do over I could do it. It's times where I looked, I lost my cool and it's amazing how many other parents.

I heard share stories of when they said I just let my temper get the best of me and it's funny how whenever we look back in those moments, like okay here's what I should've done once I thought about it and so when I really propose in this book is you know you've always heard people say divisive count to 10. What man you know that you naturally out. I don't know if it's my Irish temper are wet but counting to 10, the music countdown to blast it out for Duchess, I just get more mad to me is probably count to like a million. Whatever it had 100 yeah and no.

I mean it's up there for me and pressing pause for me was one of those things where I do, learn, you know that Delaney was so crucial and if there was something if there was even one of those violations. It was like maybe a moral violation of you know they lied, they snuck something on their phone or whatever. Being able to take the moments out to what you know I gotta think about this. So here's what you do what you want to put your phone in dining room table and want to go to room and talk about this later. And don't give it they might be a no sick know where to talk about this later and having that that one moment of wisdom to tubular press pause like that. That gives you a chance to think it over.

And here's the cool thing most of us need that time most of us after we blow it we look back later go. Oh, here's what I should've said why not take that time in the first place and NS was things I wish I would've done. I wish it would just press pause. The other one I like is the idea of ending with questions. I've tried to do that. More so, just remain calm and ask a question role-play that forests out of your own experiences that were with those questions. How did you start to build questions in your dialogue rather than just statements or invasion your rooms dirty water. Say your room.

It's really dirty. How long will it be that in my chapter, which I call Ada? The point really try to make is, instead of constantly. You know, telling them what to do. You tell them you should do this, ask them what they should you put put in the thing is I still still lead them to the decision instead of telling them decision lead them to the decision as they become known.

And here's the thing again and I've got a whole chapter that's talk about incremental independence. I called the Segway and its winter young there's good be a lot more guidelines aware can we tell them a lot more of what to do. But as they get older and are starting to vie for independence. That's what we need to start leading them towards these decisions because we ourselves have our eyes on the fact that he when he when he turned 18. They could go join the Marines.

They can be a college dorm and are to be making these decisions for themselves. Are we equipping them for that day.

So a lot of this Ada? Is leading them to the decision so so they asked a data drive is Friday that the driver and believe it or not. We actually left we have to horizons in Sacramento and my kids actually wanted to go to those drivers but that was really cool. So my kids a guy go to drive-ins is Friday and wherever it is, whatever that thing is I would think what I don't know much about what you tell me about you and and that's what gather more information. What you think you should if you don't know the answer, what you think you should do.

Why should I let you go. I honestly have them basically present the case Ada? To don't just say no lead them to that decision. You also talk about the need to let go. You've got three that if the you know you've launch them. How did you and your wife Lori, how did you truly let go and he was that harder for her than it was for you or vice versa.

Well first of all say that this doesn't and I'm like no heart or my my girls are in my my sons on his own. My girls are still in college got wanted to see her once a sophomore. As we talk right now and I tell you that you know to come back. You know, for holidays and this and that and weaved every day. Remember this now. We got these young adults took a 19-year-old is about one teenager left in the house.

I got a 21-year-old who know everything. By the way, you know, and there's times where there vying for this independence and we have to remind ourselves this is good thing you have got to get the three essential tools because I think that is pretty funny. You talked about duct tape and I'm assuming is that for the parent for the child, yet not well and I just thought I'd ask will not and that's my chapter about noticing her kids and taking the time to notice them because for a lot of parents.

The idea of noticing is a will let me get that nanny cam with the camera so I can see what they're doing or let me know. Get that that spyware software so I can sit or go all okay. He's at the drugstore. He's in aisle 5 feet under.

Like falling every move and some tears.

I was wrong yet and my principal that looking back again.

You've got hundreds of parents who look back in their parenting and are saying okay I think I concentrated so much on boundaries. I didn't let my kids make enough of these decisions, and in this chapter I simply said hey when you knows her kids and that's not to spyware or spying on them noticing our kids is putting her own phone down and going and spending time with our kids in the duct tape principle is simply as parents so often. I've I've heard it sometimes appears equipped me to say my kid won't even talk with me, as it will, that looks like. And as these parents share they say well you know I is as it was, it was typically look like when they, and in those share what it's like when it comes out minutes, could you finish your homework to finish chores and assistant and Michael are you a parent or parole officer you know I mean it and and very often is just as this. This doesn't like my kids went up as it will want to talk with them about something again, let's switch from boundaries over bonding with something. It just would be fun just hanging out with your kids on what they enjoy and in a lot of moments of candid just vulnerability and honesty. Parents say in all honesty I don't know what my kids interests are and that's where the point of noticing his hate.

Why don't we put duct tape over her mouth and why don't we just listen to our kids when we observe them and as a youth worker.

This is something we youth workers we use all the time. We just ask a lot of questions and we watch it and I tell you, you know, when I go and speak to group kids. I will sit there and I will literally just lean up against the wall and I will observe kids and I will watch what they're doing. I will watch what they're wearing. I will. And as moms and dads. If our kids are in it for the carpool we can listen we can hear what they're talking about and this is so important because it will give us some springboards for conversations we can have a look at Jonathan McKee. Fascinating discussion. You have really done your homework in your good at communicating the important things that parents need to keep their eyeballs on the one that is screaming at me today is try to be present. Spend time with your children and the want to spend time with you and the other one for me is just to say yes I like you can give every excuse as to why I'm too busy and you gotta be able to make room make it a priority to say yes to children to do the things because it goes by fast and Dr. Dobson used to say that I'm living in now. I know it and it goes by so fast those three years. Those five years and bang they're gone.

So I so appreciate your perspective and thank you so much for being with us so glad to be here. And again, Jonathan's book is called if I had a parenting do over seven vital changes I'd make and get your copy when you click the link in the episode notes or call 800 the letter a in the word family and let me ask you to consider making a generous donation when you get in touch with us. The pandemic is affected so many of us, I'm sure you felt the impact, but focus on the families of donations have been down little bit and couples and parents are reaching out to us here.

We remain committed to helping and meeting as many needs as we can, but that decreasing giving is making it difficult so we could really use your support right now to continue providing answers and assistance to precious families that need help. When you make a financial contribution of any amount to the ministry today will send a complementary copy of Johnson's book is our way of saying thanks for joining the supporting you can donate good health in the book we call 800 letter a in the word family will have a great weekend and plan to join us again on Monday is Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Corsi explained the role of joy in marriage and why friendship with your spouse is so important.

Friendship is the foundation of a really good marriage. You want to be good friends and if you're not playing together. You really friends, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here at Focus on the Family. Thanks for listening. I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

With all that's happening right now looking for ways to entertain and encourage your family would like to help you do just that by giving you a 28 day free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club you can find our back catalog of adventures in Odyssey programs. These exciting episodes are a great way to keep you and your family connected to truth. As you continue to navigate through significant changes to your lives to go to AIU club to get started on your free 28 days of adventures and ops that's AIU club.work