Controlling Anger So It Doesn't Control You (Part 1 of 2)

Sometimes you are you driving around on the roof my car and eventually created the top of my car, 1990 Ankeny was slim. The dorsal horn broke the window on the golf course is my goal for risk.

Sometimes, I've been known to turn the remote control. How do you respond when you get angry at is that response effective. This is Focus on the Family with your host focus president Jim Daly and I John four John today were going to talk about anger. It's probably one of the most confusing things for Christians to figure out. I think you see the fruit of the spirit itself with no love these. But God got angry to okay word is anger for God's care and what is it in us, that is either healthy or unhealthy when it comes to anger and we want to talk about that today.

I think it's one of the most important things we can talk about given our surroundings, our marriages are child-rearing and our culture. How do we exhibit the right type of frustration and anger in our lives, and Gary Chapman is here today to help us figure this out a little bit better.

He's an author or speaker counselor. He has a passion for people to understand God and to live up to their God-given potential. And today will be talking about one of his books called anger, attaining a powerful emotion I Gary it is so good to have you back.

Thank you, Jim, John, good to be with you. I always it makes me smile. I just love the wisdom that you bring your life experience just the way you do it is very very easy going down so I love it. Let's talk about anger what is anger and is it rooted in Scripture is rooted in God's character, Jim. I really believe that anger is rooted in the nature of God and the Bible says of God, God is love. God is holy never says God is anger that would not be true, but it does say God is angry every day with the wicked, and I think the reason God is angry with the wicked is because God loves us, and therefore he gave us principles to live by the Scriptures and we violate those principles.

God is angry because it hurts us. It hurts everybody around us. And so God experiences anger when we violate his principles well and when you say in that context, the wicked are all of us sinners right yes it's none of them in all of us. This, and I think we get angry because we are made in the image of God and thus we have a concern for right and when our sense of right is violated, we feel angry and that's truly what your Christian or what you're not a Christian. Everyone experiences anger because deep inside all of us. There is this sense of right and wrong.

Now granted the standard of right is often colored by the culture in which a person grows up, but we all have this sense of right and wrong and when our sense of right is violated. Someone does something we think is wrong whether it's to support someone else we experience anger. Let me ask the perhaps the million dollar question. Have you experienced anger what you never really remember getting very angry until I got married women are laughing to them and I never remember getting super super angry until I had a teenage son. Oh really, but he got into it and that's really what forced me to dig into this issue about anger because I realize I did not handle my well there so many things. Let's unpack all that because at one level. Is it healthy to not be angry.

Is it a good thing. I mean people when we talk about having a disagreement in marriage or being upset with each other. Some people will writer send an email here to focusing if you're a believer you shouldn't have anger in your marriage. I don't know that that's really healthy.

I mean anger does serve a purpose about resolving conflict, resolving unmet needs. Those kinds of things but talk about the two ends of that continuum in the Christian context, the one and maybe get angry too much and you don't have control of it.

The other end. You never get angry and there may be something wrong with that. I think many Christians deny their anger because they been taught that anger is a sin to be sitting in my office and I will say it seems to me like you're angry about this and I will say all on angry. Not just disappointed just hurt so is a different word and I don't want to say anger because I think anger sin. The reality is if you don't experience anger you not human, every human experiences anger that some people have learned not to express it, but learn to hold it inside and that's not healthy and obviously some people explode and that's not healthy, but I do think for a Christian and for Dana marriage it.

For example, as you were talking about. I think we all have anger toward our spouse when we are irritated with them or when they do something we think is wrong about later on we'll talk about I'm sure the two kinds of anger that people experience and a lot of our anger in the family especially is because were simply irritated.

They didn't do wrong. I just didn't do it our way. So I think first of all, as Christians, we have to acknowledge that anger is not sinful. The emotion of anger is not sinful. It's how we handle anger and that's why the Bible says in Ephesians 4 being angry sin not that that is when you're angry. Don't sin where's that line when does a person send in their anger. I think when we violate God's principal which is be you kind one to another, so can you be kind and angry at someone I think you can.

How does that play think that's the goal. I think it's to learn how to be kind and angry, you know, Jim and I miss my teenage son. I remember the time he and I got into it and I was giving it to him and he was giving it to me really loudly get on and saying harsh things in the middle of our discussion he walked out of the house.

The room out of the house, slammed the door and walked outside and when he did, I woke up and I started crying and I said oh God, I thought I was further along than this, I set out on the couch and I was crying I was weeping. That's a better word, and my wife came in and tried to console me, she said, dear, that wasn't your fault. He started that he should not be talking to you that what he ought to learn to respect you, but she finally left because it's hard to console center and I knew I'd sent you sent because I was yelling and screaming my son that is responding yeah yeah yeah I was unkind to him and harsh to him and so I got on my knees and I do so, God forgive me. I thought I was further along than this and I just poured my heart out to God and accepted God's forgiveness and I just sit there and I don't know what it was an hour or 30 minutes but my son came back in the house. Eventually, an esoteric, could you come and sit on your medicine. He came in us a dear, I want to know that what I did was wrong. I yielded to a screen that you said nasty things to you. I do not mean those things I said to you I love you very much and I just poured my heart out to him and I said, I will ask you to forgive me and he said dad that was not your fault.

I started that as I was walking up the road. I asked God to forgive me and I will ask you to forgive, and we hugged each other and we cried.

I was a key night in our lives. And after that experience I said to him. You know what we try to learn together how to handle anger. I said the next time you're angry at me. Just come and say dad, I'm angry.

Can we talk and I'll sit. I will try to talk instead of Yale and I'll do the same thing with you when I'm anger out to say dear, anger can we talk and that was the beginning of our learning how to be kind and and talk our way of anger rather than yelling our way now that's good.

Let me ask this. I'm sure it wasn't perfect that there were times or maybe it was maybe that was the end of you having conflict that was unhealthy but I would think some people want to set that as a goal and then they may trip did you manage it perfectly or did you have times where you kinda got out of sync with each other know know there were times a week we don't. We lost it, but pretty much from that point on we begin, we will learning curve. We were moving at the maybe two steps for I'm back, but we were moving up the ladder. Learning how to do that and you didn't lose hope in that process.

Either one annexing the cells benefit each other. Yeah that that's the key is respecting that is so good.

Gary and I appreciate that transparency because so many people think someone like you. You have it all together and it's perfect but were human world.

Human we feel these emotions. Let me ask you this is some professionals they will suggest that you create a trigger mechanism something that pulls you back from the brink of disaster. It can be counting or some other thing. What is your opinion of that is a waste of time or are those good tools. I think it's biblical scripture says that a wise man will restrain his anger and that's over talk about here. You mention counting my mother taught me when I was growing up.

She said son when you're angry, count to 10 before you do anything you think mom was on the right track and I would say count 200 car that is no and it's this anyway of stopping your immediate response long enough for you to think about what's happening here. I one lady told me that she wanted her flowers is and what if I get on with the family member. I just run water my flowers. She said the first summer I did that almost grandma but is about wow but I think a mechanism like that is very very important that I meet people who say to me Gary I can do that when I get angry just flows out of me. I can't stop it right and I say you can and you sometimes do, and I asked mother's this question if you ever had this experience.

You get angry with your children and your giving it to………… And the telephone rings what you do all hello Mary, oh yes Mary, we're fine.

How are you married you stopped it in the middle of the flow.

All it took was a telephone ring, so I suggest maybe you want to get false telephone ring and let your family members ring that's great for the child you're reprimanding is your phone Gary. The one thing and I want to make sure that were clear on this, we can see holding our anger is a virtue, and that you said isn't healthy, talk about that dichotomy that if you want to be the good Christian you're suppressing that anger you just reflecting something that's not truly inside of you is at appropriate times. Is that okay or how do you release that that anger that's in you in a healthy way when when you held onto it.

Maybe for years, but I think the same verse that says being angry sin not.

Also says don't let the sun go down on your anger, which means that were supposed to process anger as quickly as we can. It's never to be held inside anger was meant to be a visitor not a resident, and so we have to process anger. Otherwise, if we hold it inside and many Christians do this and think this is spiritual, hold it inside most anything, hold it inside you hold it inside and you do it again and again and again and is like an anger tank inside it that this gets filled with anger and eventually it's filled with rage and at some juncture, you're going to explode or you going to move into depression so holding anger inside is not the answer now temporarily yes you hold inside from home while you calm down and now they will hunt you down and asked what's the next thing I should do but don't hold it inside is a way of life that is not a good response to anger so often and were talking in the context really of marriage and parenting and I'm sure friendship supply. But the people that are closest to us tend to get the brunt of this it may simply be because we spend more time with them and we are irritated by some of the things that they do in that context, thinking of marriage talk to the couple that they've not really found good mechanisms. Maybe they've never talked about it. What can they do tonight when they sit at dinner and they've got unresolved conflict that's been going on for a long time. They haven't been resolving it. By the time the sun has gone down and maybe let's pick on the men for walk is with Don at the other way, but a wife that's been emotionally hurt in her husband's not been very kind. Maybe brutal verbally about what she does or doesn't do what can she do when when she's getting that kind of verbal abuse to turn the corner tonight.

You know Jim, I think the first step for many couples is to acknowledge that we have in handling a very well. That's the starting point because couples are going on for years. Not handling anger well and yelling and screaming at each other and having unresolved conflicts and somebody needs to say. I would hope it would be the husband who would say no honey.

Been thinking a lot about us, about the way we handle anger in the way we haven't resolved issues, and I know I've hurt you a lot and I know I've said that and just you apologize begin apologizing to her for the past rather than trying to build on all that anger that's inside. Let's apologize for our failures in the past and say let's try to learn can we learn can we read a book can we go to a conference.

Can we see a counselor can we do something.

Let's begin to learn how to handle anger in a positive way and I think if a husband takes that approach. There's a good chance that wife is going to be open to that, and she may even apologize herself for her part, because not none of us are perfect in this and I think that's the place to start is clearing the rubble from the past that Gary let me pick up on something that where we left off when we, in our marriages.

When that source of anger is there. Talk about the power of forgiveness and in the importance of forgiveness and maybe why couples get stuck. Why is it so difficult for us to say I need to apologize that can get stuck in her throat and I'm I'm guilty of that with Jean and he knows there are times when I just don't do it and I should do it. I'm feeling a pick infection and and you know hat why, humanly, why do we not do that. I mean I guess I could send cheap afterwhile but why don't we quickly save my I'm so sorry I set that way we don't know. I think because were all self-centered and we all like to think that we're right.

Whatever the issue, we're right, you're the one that's wrong you should say couple gets to speak. So honestly, but I do think that there are no healthy marriages without apologies and forgiveness because none of us are perfect and if we don't deal with our failures.

Then they sit there as emotional barriers between the two of us. That's why I really really encourage couples you know if things are going well. This take a little time and back up and say let's deal with the past. Let let's agree that it's a confess our failures. Let's forgive each other so we can have a fresh start.

How do we get there though. Gary mantis thinking about the other night Tina and I work. We had a little bit of a conflict, and there were some anger and I think we both felt like we were right and so there is this icy chill and it was her likable good night and it it didn't. It wasn't the right way to end the night and we both I don't know that we were both being self righteous, but we how it went. When the motion is so heavy. How do you cut through that and get to point peace while I think if it's late at night. There is a time to so you know honey obviously were not all resolve this tonight, so why don't we just agree to disagree and will talk about again tomorrow and we've done that and that's that's about. Now we can sleep you know because we've at least agree that we haven't solved it but were going to solve it.

Tomorrow we go to work on it again tomorrow. Rather than fighting all night and everybody gets up in the morning and now able to go to work in better to say let's just agree we disagree will have to work on the symbol. But I love you always and with all of you safe. What you have to say really does go down well let me ask you this. This forgiveness always lead to restoration. I don't think so. I think most of the time it does, but there are occasions when it does not lead to restoration.

For example, here's a man who left his wife 20 years ago when off with another woman moved out of state. 20 years later he becomes a Christian is now trying to work through his life. He wants to go back and then confess to his wife until his fingers and he can go back and do that and and she can genuinely forgive him but doesn't restore the relationship and it doesn't restore the relationship with his children if he had children he's lost 20 years with those children is not unnecessarily restore that relationship but I think in a family relationship. Most the time it does restore the relationship and it makes it healthier, which is importance, so that's good dear, you also talk in your book anger you talk about the six steps for dealing with anger. Touch on those six and then let me draw and do a couple of them I think the first step.

Jim is to acknowledge that we are angry, if we are if we don't acknowledge they were angry. This is what I was making the point earlier that Christians need to recognize it's not a sin to feel angry and so when I'm angry I need to say I'm feeling.

Let me ask you though.

Are we perhaps, I don't want to be too general.

Here's stereotypical, but it seems to me, and I'm guilty that's why I'm saying this in the Christian community. We can be the most stubborn in this regard.

Can we think that's why it's important for a couple to talk about anger and the second thing I suggest, for example, is that you say to each other. Why don't way in the future when were angry rather than sulking in on I'm asking what's wrong you say nothing when we just agree that the next time were angry about something. We will come to each other in sight, honey, I'm feeling a little angry. Could we talk and if it's not a good time to talk you set it on the talk is if a couple agrees to this approach before you get angry you. We've already agreed this what we want we want to tell each other when were angry so we can work through things.

This is healthy and if we got that agreement, they were more likely to do it. Okay so acknowledge the reality of anger. What's the second one gets acknowledged to each other that we are angry, this is what I'm to exact when it's okay now that it's okay to acknowledge they were angry and thanked him in on the back of the book.

I suggested people take a 3 x 5 card and write this message on it, it says I'm feeling angry right now but don't worry I'm not going to attack you.

But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk and you put that 3 x 5 card refrigerator and when either of you feels angry you get the card and you stand in front of your mate and you say, honey, I'm feeling angry right now but don't worry I'm not going to attack you, but I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk. It brings humor into the situation. Imagine that you teacher teenagers to do that. They go get the card and stand in front of you and do that as well. Now I I'm just sitting here thinking how many times I could hear you think I'm stunned me with that.

It's a good idea but I'm zeroing in on the attack part. I mean if for me and I don't know that I represent most men. I'm not worried about being attacked all hold my own really for wives particular, I think that's important because they can feel attacked so easily verbally right. I think that's why the third thing I suggest is that the two of you acknowledged to each other and agree that yelling and screaming at each other is not appropriate. This is not going to be appropriate way for us to handling or maybe our parents didn't.

May we grew up doing this, but as adults were going to make a decision.

We don't agree this is not right and when we do lash out were going to acknowledge it. Were going apologize for it again. If a couple works through these things and began to take the steps when they're not angry they're more likely to handle it in a positive way when they are what's true and even though I think hearing your examples of how to address it you're saying it in such a calm demeanor of sitter going okay when near here in that picture of anger. It's hard to say honey I need to talk to you because usually doesn't come out that way it's more like what I see really do have to bite your tongue because that sets the whole thing aflame.

The husband's and II say husband because maybe I'm living this a little bit how many times do you see husband's Gary who are holding it in and you talked about this a little bit but holding it in holding it in an and then it comes out and kind of rage is always willing to be husband or wife. Okay, only holding in long enough were either going to cave in and would lead to depression as I slid over going to explode and it can be a super explosion. So that's why again I say to couples. It's not healthy to hold your anger inside anger is supposed to be process that's God's plan. You process the anger and part of that is, as I said, verbally sharing with each other. You want the key issues and this is another one of the six steps that I do not want the key issues is we've got to focus on listening. It's better to say honey I'm feeling angry right now could we listen to each other Brother, Nicole. We talk I think the listening nerve is wrapped around your eardrum when you're feeling angry at like Titans that you're going to where you can't hear your your partner talk when you hit. Here's the keys if you listen to your spouse when they're angry at you, and you put on elephant ears and you say okay honey I'm listening. You have the floor. You let them tell you why there angry, you ask questions to clarify and is this what you're saying is this what you're trying to let him get it out. You try to put yourself in their shoes. Look at the world through their eyes and their personality and you can honestly say eventually, honey, I think I understand what you're saying and I can see why you'd be angry and if I were in your shoes I probably feeling that truly is a godly character right there. That is, godly character. That's empathy because now you're no longer an enemy. Your friend, you hurt them out. You understand why they would be angry and you admitting it. If you were in their place and you would if you had their personality and you interpreted the situation the way they did.

You feel angry, to and when you say I would probably be angry to how can we solve it now because you've heard them out if you have a different perspective, then you can cite now honey can I share my perspective and you do the same thing and they become the listener were not trying to listen most of us, we hear 60 seconds of the talk and then we tell where the wrong word in the press pause right there in this conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman and pick it back up tomorrow with the rest of the discussion about his book anger taming a powerful emotion that John. I love that advice Dr. Chapman shared near the end there about the importance of really listening to your spouse that way instead of a defensive enemy.

You can be an empathetic friend and we can apply that to all of our relationships, especially right now when uncertainties and financial troubles are causing a lot more tension in our homes and families. Because of that extra tension I want to extend a special thank you to those who are helping focus provide comforting resources for families during this time, I recently one healthcare worker called us as to be expected. She told us that she is under a great deal of stress and anxiety because of what she is facing at work and she said that every morning she turns on the focus broadcast simply because it brings her so much comfort, I love that and I love that we were able to connect her with one of her counselors and he helped her get some ideas for managing the stress and connected her to a counselor in her own area. Not so good and were only able to provide this broadcast in those counseling services because of our team of financial supporters in this summer were so grateful for God's provision through a matching gift as well so if you're able to partner with us and give even just to bet it will be double and will go straight towards offering people hope in this time of crisis.

And if you're able to join or support team today.

We'd like to send a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman book anger taming a powerful emotion to say thank you. Find out more at our website link is in the show notes or call 800 K in the word family on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we hear more from Dr. Gary Chapman next time, and once more help you and your family thrive