A Refreshing, Practical And Hopeful Perspective On Marriage, Part 2

Your one in Christ are made in his image, male and female. And guess what the enemy of our soul is going to fight against that because of the very image of God in the interest of marriage and that's why we gotta get our act together and this is only policy motors with NC family Pres. John Weston this week were pleased to bring you part two of an engaging discussion about a refreshing, logical, and hopeful perspective on marriage with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family. Why was it important that we are willing, as you have done in your book to talk about the struggles that we go through, of the real-life side of relationships and marriage. When we are having the discussions with policy leaders or members of our family, friends, neighbors, what I think at the core of the issue is our selfishness so it lets you start there as human beings we are selfish creatures.

So when were looking at the institution of marriage, even within the church. The culture has seeped and gushed in where it's impacting our ability to understand our care for one another and it's something I'm reminded of constantly here as I'm recording a radio broadcaster Focus on the Family thing okay Lord I have failed miserably keen my wife yesterday, so forgive me for that. I got to go home and say didn't forget me.

I was thinking to myself and not of you, but part of it is when Jesus says to us men.

And I think it applies to both lay your life down for one another. What does that mean I think if a burglar was to come into our home with a gun.

I would jump in front of the boat for Jane and my boys I love them that much, and I would do all I could do to protect them. That's what a man should do, but what about if my wife wants to go shopping this weekend and look at furniture for three hours and my willing to lay my life down for that or do I really want to watch the bronco game. That's the challenge.

And it's those little incremental selfless acts that I think undergird a marriage that lasts a lifetime and I think within the church. We have to recommit ourselves to loving each other in that way and that sure that's a silly example there's other ways that we have to lay our lives down for one another, but we've got to get more serious about it and when we handle marriage lightly within the church.

What how should we expect the world to respond.

Why don't they redefine marriage because it's not working for us and I don't want to be hypercritical but it starts with us. We are the witness of our Lord Jesus Christ, and if it's not working for us there and say well look, they can even do it and they're committed to each other so I want to look at the log in my own and in RI is a community of believers. First, and then look at the speck in there. I the Lord will deal with them, but man, we better not be the stumbling block that cause him to fail like what you said really that were not called to perfection. And I think we all sin in our culture today feel like we have to present a perfect image of marriage. And that's just not reality. We need to be real. We need to be transparent and share with and walk alongside other couples who were facing challenges and work through this together and with the Lord help them in seeking the help and guidance and assistance and mentoring of others who have been through struggles as well. Are you hit the nail on the head mean I think one of the great mistakes we've made in the Christian churches. We have projected this perfection that doesn't truly exist when you peel the veneer back you we have children that struggle. We have marriages that struggle and how much better for us to be real you know with discernment, but to be real with that. To say we are all broken.

We live in a sinful world.

That's the reason Jesus came to die for our sins and to be able to express that to a broken couple who struggling they may be, quietly, silently sitting in the pew, a church struggling desperately in their marriage.

Certainly, about 35% of them are, and they're sitting there and they're looking at John and Mary going while they seem like they got it all together and they may have a really good marriage. But if they were able to go to lunch with a couple so you know what when we were 10 years in our marriage. We hit a wall and we almost got divorced and here's what we did.

We recommitted our life to the Lord.

We decided to lay our lives down for each other every day.

Some days we do well. Some days we don't. But let us encourage you to do that. That's the kind of mentoring that we need in the church today, not perfection, but in perfection in Christ. One of the things that the other myths that you discuss in your book is the idea that somehow divorce will make people happier and solve the problem. Why is this a myth in our culture, well just about every research project and is one from the University of Chicago that is the most quoted and they took two groups of people and they just follow them in a morally they didn't encourage one to divorce and the other not divorced. They just identified who was willing to go to counseling and who decided to divorce five years after those decisions were made. They followed up with that group to find out where their happiness scale was and it was interesting because those who divorced 85% of them, some of whom remarried 85% of them were less happier than they were in their difficult first marriage and in the group that stuck it out. Learn to communicate better. Went to counseling.

Did the things I needed to do to get through the rough patch to build intimacy to better understand one another. 85% of them were happier in my point, and that is as we go through highly fast food oriented disposal of society, where if you're not meeting my needs were done because I'm looking for I'm looking out for me in that kind of environment that's the outcome were you just give up because you don't want to fight through but were characters formed where intimacy is formed where long-term relationship is formed as being able to fight through those annoyances and learning to love each other's differences rather than accentuating each other's weaknesses and I think that that's one of the great important things about marriage.

When you look at it the institution of marriage. What I was trying to point out the bottom line of the book marriage done right is God is brought us together.

And the irony is God tends to allow couples of the opposite natures to attract but we have to lift up those differences and celebrate them and learn to work with each other and understand that when God brings two halves together like that you make one hole I mean the Scripture is very clear about that.

The two come together to form one flesh, and I think it's far deeper than the letters on the page what it's saying there's your your one in Christ you're made in his image, male and female. And guess what the enemy of our soul is going to fight against that because it's the very image of God in the institution of marriage, and that's why we gotta get our act together and do with your listening policy matters of resource to listen to our radio show online resources that will be a place of persuasion in your community website only alleging with him.

Speaking of doing the better you outline some ways couples can make their marriage is stronger and less likely to drift toward divorced people can certainly read your book and I would encourage them to do so for the entire list and will let them know shortly where they can get a copy of that water just a few of the ways that couples can drink in their marriages that you outlined in the book. The book with lots of different ones but there's a handful that I like quote. This is top advice from long-term married couple. So I went out and we interviewed hundred, 200 couples that had made it past 50 years so you go to the source of these the people that found a way to do it and what they told me was number one, don't keep secrets from each other, have an open intimate relationship where you're talking about what's going on in your heart to don't hold grudges and forgive each other and that right there is so important me times and gone to bed.

I did it just once this week already were. I was a little miffed with the discussion.

Gina Knight had about something I didn't resolve it by slot bonnet and that sometime that that is wise, but I held onto that too long.

Third, don't dwell on conflict. Let it go. Once it's over. Don't bring it up four months from now.

So you know what when I asked you take the trash out you didn't do it. Let go for love changes because we change and we have seasons of love and what I mean by that is, you know, there's a child-rearing season.

It's tough, especially for moms of young kids to express all the love she'd like to express to her husband. She's tired in every way. Not just physically but emotionally and husbands to win the job is demanding and how do I express that love and I forgot to call. I forgot to pick up milk. I forgot the flowers. We just need more understanding than they support each other's interest. I love this Jean I'm a football specs football player.

I love football and she is learned over the years when she really needs to talk to me shall ask, is this a good time, or should I wait to halftime and if it's a bad game.

I say no please document out but if it's that intense game. I'll say you know can you just give me 10 minutes and will be a break and dial in with you. That's respectful and I appreciate that. I try to do that with her were she's on the phone with the girlfriend I've got my hair is on fire. Whatever the problem is that all dogs wait till she's off the phone, I won't interrupt her and I let her know that I chose to do that because I respect her and I love her those kind little little clues that you can give her little cues you can give each other are very helpful because you're saying I love you well in your book you challenge the concept of romantic love that is often portrayed in popular media and that many folks would like into marriage that there has to be a strong element of romantic love wasn't for marriages to be successful you contend that this romanticized view is really putting a strain on marriage both institutionally and individually talk about that will benefit will will sure I'm in the bottom line is your husband speak to the women. Your husband is not going to meet all your emotional needs.

That's the bottom life they can't be your best girlfriend and I would encourage you not encourage husbands to encourage you to have two or three great girlfriends in go out with and spend that intimate time and set a coffee and have a discussion with now doesn't get us off the hook. As husbands we need that time together. We've got to unplug from other distractions and plug into our spouses to really get to know them but I just think don't look for your husband to fulfill all those all those intimacy needs and I think the other key thing is really laying your life down for each other, letting each other know that you care for them and him and I think if I could be so bold, John.

Even in the area of physical intimacy that is usually the number one, two or three issue that we hear of your Focus on the Family where marriage is breaking apart because it's not happening and in there needs to be greater understanding on emotional contact, physical contact and when those things are happening in a healthy way. You have a strong marriage with Jim on the book you provide a personalized marriage assessment wanted you consider that an important element to include in marriage done right. Well, you know. Actually, my colleague Greg Smalley, the son of Gary Smalley. The marriage expert. He's been a focus here for five years walks in the door every day thinking about marriage and what we can do to help save marriages and and I'm grateful for his participation in the mission here focused he actually created that assessment and it's really to help a couple in an individual decide. Do you know where am I at how am I doing and then there were 12 traits that Greg developed for healthy marriages and we have built curriculum around that we have stood there to support those couples and we believe that when couples can assess whether at norther weaknesses are and begin to work on those things usually self-evident.

Really, I mean like a personality profile test were you taking the aha that's me absolutely me when you take that assessment. In the book and go to the website mentioned in the book is brilliant or just it shows you those things you need to work on and I would say John so often when it comes to marriage know if you do if your real estate person. You gotta go get a license if you're an insurance got a get licensed. It's interesting to me. We do very little in this culture to train a man or woman about marriage and what needs to be done in marriage to keep it healthy and I think this is that course where you can learn those communication skills that will keep your relationship vibrant for 5260 even in some cases 70 years. That's what most people yearn for when it comes to commitment and that's great and let's make sure that our listeners are able to access the really important tool in this book. Marriage done right. Unfortunately were just about out of time, but I do want to give you an opportunity to all let our listeners know how they can connect with folks on the family where they can get your new book marriage done right, one man and one woman. I appreciate that John and focusonthefamily.com is the easiest place to go. The book you can get anywhere. We always appreciate it when you come through focus because the proceeds go to helping save marriages and helping save babies and keeping family at the forefront of the culture, so we appreciate it when you order the book your Focus on the Family right will deftly want to encourage your listeners to do that. I'm sure many of them have already many more will as well in Jim Daly. I just want to thank you so much for your time for your incredibly important work in Focus on the Family your leadership in the realm of marriage religious liberty life and all the other issues and matters that Focus on the Family is involved with, and especially thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to be with us today on family policy matters appreciated. John, thanks for your work in North Carolina when it comes to engaging the culture and engaging the public policy score and helping people understand the issues so appreciated well is our privilege and are honored to be a partner with you in Focus on the Family Jim, thank you so much � you've been listening to family policy matters production of NZ formally to listen to our radio show online, and for more valuable resources and information about issues important to families in North Carolina website see family.org and follow us on Twitter and Facebook