Being A Grandparent: Just Like Being A Parent Only Different

The same technology that is creating some of our young people can be technology second grandparent's policy with NC family Pres. John Preston thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters the most important rewarding and sometimes challenging roles. We can have during our lifetime is that of being a parent.

For those of us who've been blessed with children. There is no higher calling than raising our children well with the hopes and prayers.

Of course, that they will in turn do the same if and when they become parents. If this occurs, of course, we then have the privilege of moving into the esteemed role of grandparent with an entirely different set of Joyce pains and potential complications.

Today we are joined by Dr. Ray Grandy, a clinical psychologist for over 40 years and author of more than a dozen books on parenting, marriage, adoption, and now grandparenting which will be talking about today. Dr. Reddy talk a little bit as we began our conversation about the special relationship that can exist between a grandparent and a grandchild.

I know these relationships really can serve to enrich the lives of each of the grandparents and grandchildren, grandparents, don't the conditions of being a parent.

There are biblical and really there babysitting unless they're living with the kids, but by and large the standard grandparent Lord, you don't have to get those days are over.

So that whole area of potential friction between a kid and adult much gone at the perfect second thing, grandparent, more flexibility in their schedule may be retired, maybe working less. They have may be discretionary income. They can go to games they aren't working. So maybe there are present the kids game. You got that flexibility they can help hey mom can you just start Tuesdays after preschool yeah I'll be there honey no problem I'm getting that kind of thing. So the looseness grandparent role allows the basically be a presence and a more relaxed fund that said we have to be careful very very careful that we do not alter the parents.

In other words, we don't undercut their parenting we don't break their rules on TV. We don't drench the kids in Christmas gifts by Dragon. The toys are us truck off put off a load when the parents are saying hey my, you know I'd already got 56 stuffed animals I know honey but he doesn't have a deeper one. We gotta be real careful because the main place of friction is between parents or grandparents when the grandparents are at with the parenting lead so important that I really want to unpack some of those issues that you mentioned. As we continue our conversation today. I know sometimes those are things that you mentioned that will talk about a bit, maybe easier for grandparents who are close to the children and proximity and it it may be challenging sometimes for grandparents who are not in the same town or area or even in the same state as the grandchildren to be able to spend as much physical time presently with the grandchildren. However, in an increasingly mobile world where families are often spread far and wide.

I know Dr. Ray that you say that presence is not the sole element of connection. How can grandparents overcome a physical distance and still have a close relationship and positive relationship with the grandchildren. My wife and I are not technically minded my cell phone bill has a rotary dial.

With that said, my wife is going out to get an iPhone eight so she can get a Skype so that we can be a weekly part of our little granddaughter just born a couple weeks ago my son and his wife who live in Rhode Island now, we wouldn't have any chance of doing that without technology you can Skype you can face time you can call you to get on the computer so the same technology that is shaping some of our young people can be technology that can connect grandparents with the kid now. The problem with that is I gotta get my nephew seven years older, showing how to do it now, Dr. Ray, grandparents, and you mentioned this earlier, also in seal of a fair amount of freedom to be more flexible with your schedules with their finances and also with behavioral discipline. Sometimes those behaviors may differ quite a bit, then those grandparents displayed with their own children. Do you consider this to be hypocritical or just one of the joys and freedoms of grandparent, there is a tidbit of advice given to mothers and mother-in-law's on their daughter or daughter-in-law's wedding day to make the wedding day as pleasant as it could be that piece of advice is very good for grandparents in order to stay out of trouble and that is set up, shut up and where base your your grandparent you're watching how your kids are either disciplining or not disciplining your grandkids on lap you are directly for guidance and if they ask you, have them sign something from your attorney's office that in fact they are asking for your advice. Those that work get that word I got my break is one of the last time you gave an opinion you gave her critique you gave some on solicited guidance and your son or daughter or daughter-in-law said oh I think you know I have even thought of that, you're so much wiser than I am. Parenting is obviously so much more into no no no and I will tell you my friend.

The number one reason this is one of the great tragedies that happening now in ever-increasing numbers. Number one reason why grandparents are being pushed out of their grandchildren's life is because usually it's illegal, who says I don't like your mother's opinions. I don't like her questioning my parenting. I don't like your father giving advice when I don't transport and little by little. That relationship between the two adults deteriorate and the grandkids get held back on so much it's sad you're listening to policy matters of resource and to listen to our radio show online resources that will place of persuasion in your community to our website and see family.org so so would you say there there is ultimately a hard and fast rule regarding whose rules should prevail. The grandparents, parents, for the most part yes where that can be conditional is babysitting my house my parents or drop them off. Okay I got establish exactly what I'm allowed to do here.

For example, some parables I want to spank the kids all okay. I but I'll tell you I'm going to difficult not to be part of the kids staying here. If Gallup women the corner or I will take away certain privileges because I've got to be able to have some kind of discipline. The goal to babysit so that the relationship is a good one and it's not chaotic. Okay, I can't do comedy grandparent that I want to watch my grandkids anymore. They're so out-of-control there so difficult that I know I just I feel terrible, but I don't want to be here to hear that a lot. Second thing I would say especially the older kids. All too often at grandma's birthday party. You got a 14-year-old sitting on the couch, immersed in a cell phone and when they're singing happy birthday baby. She looks up. Maybe she does, i.e. at the parent would advise take the cell phones away when you go visit grandma and grandpa's.

As a matter of having some kind of face-to-face relationship as opposed to you seeing who else is out there how many birthday parties.

How many Christmas fees have teenage kids basically been out of touch with the grandparents, simply because there immersed in The world are some strategies Dr. Ray.

Grandparents can employ when they do have concerns about the way their grant grandchildren are being raised, particularly if it comes to issues like faith, so much of it comes down to what is the reaction. For example, by and large grandparents are more faith filled than the kids. If you look at all the demographic stats and you look at that group under 35. They are the least religious of any generation in history this country as a result, many of the grandkids are being raised with little or no religion and grandma is feeling I gotta try to put something there, like maybe Bible Bible picture book for their birthday. Something grandparents do that as long as you don't run up against a wall. If you run up against hostility.

You have to know when to back off because if you keep pushing it, you will raise resistance and that resistance could culminate in saying I don't really want you around these kids now. The other thing that you can do when I come with the grandparents if you want to show your kids the grandma and grandpa because of their faith are beautiful people then you have to be easy to get along with kind, loving, helpful. You have to be one of the most appealing people in their lives so that at the kids get older they can at least say you know grandma is a very rational lady and maybe they'll put two and two together and noticed the grandma is also a fake field lady. So how can grandparents who have a strained relationship with her children, or where you have possibly an in law type of relationship and in those folks are not necessarily getting along, but they do want to have a relationship for the benefit of the grandchildren. How can they still find ways to connect and be part of their lives.

Even in those tense types of relationship with take the most extreme scenario. Let's take the one where the grandparents already been pushed out of the lot, not tell you this more often than not it is an in law situation and all of the in law situation. It is usually mother-in-law daughter-in-law, so if that's the case I always advise grandparents go back as best you can and apologize and say I I didn't mean to be intrusive. I didn't need to give my opinion work.

It wasn't asked.

I am so sorry. I will no longer do that you will not have to worry about me making comments about your motherhood, your parenting, I give you my word on that. Now I could throw back in your face it, throw back in your faith that the very least you're going to go back and you're going to say I am no longer going to give my opinion or anything like that and you in the past when I did, I am so sorry. Now your goal is to see those grandkids and you'll have to acknowledge an awful lot of wrongdoing that she thinks you did and you don't think you did okay.

That's the first step. If that doesn't work. She basically says hey I'm happier with you out of my life and on my kids life periodically send a Christmas card birthday card and email that says I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you wondering how you're doing how everybody is so that you're at least keeping the door open. It doesn't become a well she doesn't want me around the kids so therefore I'm going to not attempt in any way to have any contact because that could easily be misinterpreted as well.

You know your grandma not come around. She just that way kind of thing so I advised him to do that to the other thing I do is if it is in law situation, try to get your son or daughter to bring about a little piece that somehow someway you don't have to love each other with loosey-goosey kind of my daughter, Laura, my son-in-law was one of the world, but you will be pleasant and civil and kind. That's critical for critical. Nothing replaces it and we can talk about this for hours but I know that you have a wealth of information in your book. Being a grandparent just like being a parent only difference I am before we depart our discussion today I want to give you an opportunity to share information about where listeners can get access to purchase that book and your other excellent materials. Well, thank you. You go to Dr. Ray.com.

The RRA why… My website or my Facebook page and all copies or sign.

So if you order a signed copy grade and that's Dr. Ray.com again, Dr. Ray.com. Thank you so much Dr. Ray Grandy for your time today and for all of your important work encouraging and supporting strong and vibrant families. Thank you so much listening to family policy matters production and to listen to our radio show online resources and information about issues important to families and Carolina website NC family.org and follow us on Twitter and Facebook