David Eaton: Phones for Teens: How to Deal

Before we get to today's program. I want you to know that Dave and I were perfect parent until we had a child, place, and we think there were perfect parents but there are no perfect ferrets, and that's why we wrote the book no perfect parents and were excited because now we have an online video course are you and you can go through it as a small group individually or even just as a couple and get that you can go to family life.com/not perfect to find out more.

Again family life.com/not perfect. All of you firstborn moms and dads out here listening to this right now, you're like I'm in a keep my kids phone locked down forever. The last thing you want to hear them whisper.

I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to 18 to get this placement do whatever I want.

Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm in Wilson, Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life, family life today so when we were parents of teenagers. We are we've Artie said without was awesome. Although we are scared to death as every parent told us look out for the teen years and yet so. But here's the thing.

When we raised her three boys. There was nothing called the smart phone. It was just about to come out yet and I think today it's a whole different thinking is there's pressure you thought about being scared me and again the smart phone is a gift from God. In some ways it's wonderful but I get anything. There is a curse to it as well and so we need help helping parents raise kids in a culture that is different than it was in our day and we got the man studio David Eaton is back from access and access is all about helping parents and teenagers navigate this where we live and welcome back. Scared me back. His book is amazing. I think every parent should get this engaging your teens world. Understanding what today's youth are thinking, doing and watching. So as a parent of 18. This is the book you need to have on your bookshelf and it's a book that you should skim should read some should grab a chapter because the first half is all about building the connection. The heart connection with your kid in the second half were talking smart phones and college and social media and fortnight and my craft and LGBT Q and all of these big gnarly conversations. What's interesting about all these conversations that come up is that they all revolve around the smart phone and the smart phone is the greatest leap of human agency that you will have in your lifetime. Currently so when you give your nine-year-old or a 13-year-old or 12-year-old rear 17-year-old smart phone for the first time it's going to be just an entirely different way. To be human by got a room for you know it sucks. My will for you. I really like yeah David on the second. I want to give my kid a smart phone, you know, it's the thing. This was the do. How old should my child be before I give it to your right. That was the question I ask you as left the previous. I'm guessing you have the right answer LOL let's try to answer. He did ask is that yesterday I don't even know what aunt would say was only tenacious on this, make your answer in dog a bone unless this is the number one question what age and this is a huge trick question. Okay, what I should get your smart phone. I have no idea out that what is interesting. As you know the movie the social dilemma the founders of Facebook. Some of the people invented some of the stuff are saying wait there saying it should be older. Don't give me and if I remember right, they don't have a eight-year-old 10-year-old in their family with a smart phone there.

I guess too early. I think 10 years ago I would've said 10 years old 12 years old now. Unlike I know it's probably impossible parents like there's no way I can keep my 13-year-old daughter from a smart phone, but I would say it needs to be 13, 14 years old. I think that's early and I think it depends depends on what depends on the child's age, maturity, maybe we have the kids pay for it. Can they afford it. So there's a lot of questions I would want to now so I hope you have some answers for us but I mean what if your nine-year-old is at soccer practice and they move the field and they get out early don't you want to know where she's at his shoulder and she can text you with a dumb phone phone changes the landscape of your entire home when it's a smart phone. She was just about the kids. She and I have had many conversations like you are so connected your phone were not having a conversation right now. You and me. Yes, like she called my other wife and I don't like you want to attack some work on the sermon. Are you not get important things going on right here in my lab can talk later. It can be a divider and home with us that seen it with our kids in their marriages. Let's get into it.

So it's a trick question. The question is what is sugar microphone. It assumes two things that are true. The first thing is it assumed that your kid doesn't already have a phone and so your kid already has a phone if their friends have a phone your kid is a phone. So on the scary side of it. Our kids are only as safe as their friends so we have to prepare them to have wisdom to interact with the pocket rectangle that is amazing and as you mentioned, I don't know if Mark Zuckerberg has gotten his girls a phone yet they're still kind of young but I know the Bill Gates that were to wait. I know that Steve jobs that were going to wait and so if you think about them interesting. Oh yeah because you know the sausages made you know what is going on with this.

You know some of the pitfalls of it. You know how awesome it is and it should be absolutely celebrated, which is awesome.

Yeah there's there's a lot of things I mean on some level you know, this phone could be to bring cigarette as the lungs as is a lot of questions about mental health contagions and challenges that have come from the smart phone that were expected. Just like the cigarette so the first challenge with when sugar microphone is you have this we already have access to Florida with the friends of the second thing is it assumes that when you get your kid a phone there and have 100% access to it that they can do whatever they want, just like hey it's your 12th birthday. Here's a new phone or hey dad got a new phones you can have my old phone and that's where get since this marvelous conversation that we should totally have all the smart phone is that a lot of wisdom is needed in that space of where you cite no I'm no allow you to have a little bit of access to this slowly release this to you as I think, therefore, is central smart phone conversations that parents have to have we talk about this in the book, engaging your teens world axis again a XIS.org resource called the culture translator and email it comes out every Friday to talk about what's going on your kids world. See have engaging your teens world. The book, but also want to talk about what's going on in smart phone land every single week because it is such a huge point and sides of the first thing is that it's very tempting to think of technology is neutral and just say all everything is neutral. The smart phone is neutral is not good.

It's not bad it's just powerful and complicated assure Terkel would say from MIT. Originally axis we agreed with her, like oh yeah the smart phone isn't good about it is neutral, just like all technology is neutral and then we took a step back and we thought for a second wait God make an neutral world and so neutral will be the vantage point of just saying it's a random world that we just showed up in out of you know X and Hilo. So here we are.

There's big bang that happened and there's just random atoms colliding together.

Now we have humans and humans make smart phones. So just neutral, no, that's not the story that we believe about the world. That's not the history we believe we believe that God made the world very good. And then it becomes cursed and then through Jesus, there's a possibility of redemption and reconciliation.

The first conversation. Have your kid's house, anything very good house it messed up and how can we redeem it as a family, especially if you're like the parent who has fear often and it's easy to have fear right so there's is mom and she's like I got my girls should twin girls like I got a smart phone gumbo. The smart phone them and beg me for them beating me down. Finally, on the smart phone and she says my daughters were looking for the darkness, but she said the darkness was looking for them and what does she mean by that some I mean I think her daughters in junior high and some junior or senior in high school started texting them immediately and start asking them for nude photos immediately and so all of a sudden his mom's like what have I done have gotten them so she snatches the phone away which of course the girls hated because that's the empathy that we need to have with our kids.

Can you imagine so Dave your funny you tell jokes what I know. You're quite good. Can you imagine missing out on like half the jokes. Can you imagine just not being able to have that conversation, your left out of the inside jokes so like all the sudden, if you don't get your kid a smart phone they're missing out on half the conversations. How good is it field be left out when you're in junior high or high school.

It feels terrible. This is some you can use anywhere you could say how was tick-tock very good if you can't think of a reason. As a parent I would say your homework figure out what's amazing about what can you celebrate if you don't start off a position of celebrating some ingenuity and some the great things in this world is committed huge downer all the time is always good to be a culture war.

It's always can be like dad is always critiquing instead of celebrating, then so very good person how to redeem it and I because download tick-tock it now having done it should link absolutely. I mean, you'll feel like you're like Paul, like walking in Athens but how else can you identify the tomb to God.

That's the thing holding her grandkids is seven okay 96 one so it'll be something else but there's been a come a time where there in that position and not a law requiring that world right now we would have it downloaded. We would want to be a part of what their theme looking at one of the things you said it previously one of the things that worked with me as a musician when I would walk in their room. As a teenager and say hey I learned this look on this song that you been listening to. They were like what is expect me walking only listen to this junk for filing today but when I walked in with a guitar and said, hey this prequel song. Let's talk about the lyrics. It was always a cool conversations I can with what he think he's after in this lyric here rather than condemning it.

It started conversation and sometimes money in the conversation they were. We were both gone in a sort of. He sort of missed the whole thing handy. You know that was a way to engage it celebrate because you could play it that wasn't sent as bad as like wow this is actually really well written.

I don't agree with the content you know what his values are.

But here's why. Let's talk about some of these are the same. Same thing with the smart phone is like yellow seven conversation. There's a lot of good here and there evil in theirs and it just like there's indie music you know in advance.

Another indie apps or the BND influencers, and other so many different versions of that where you can take a position of curiosity, limit the other three. Real importance is for real, important conversation, one big action step.

Also, the big actions that was get out is that you have to write down what your family believes about the phone has to be written down like and don't feel shame if you haven't done it yet don't feel shame if you got your kid a and eons ago I got on the phone, eons ago. That's the number one thing to do, where you write down a family pledge or a family contractor family.

Whatever you can call whatever you want.

What's important is that it is written down and you start having a conversation you can beat up the document. It's not like in stone.

Example I click that conversation start and look like so I wrote a book called smart phone sanity and it walks through these things.

I work so hard to make this as simple as possible. Their eight smart phone domains. Eight different areas. Four of them are purely philosophical and four of them are technical so the philosophical ones are other nonnegotiable's like it's really important for you to say your kid you not to look at porn on your phone it says right away there to be shown porn on the bus to the baseball game to be shown porn locker room on their friends phone they're going to just have it shoved in their face is very depressing. David yeah if it is it is.

But remember, sex is good rights we could celebrate that God is giving that is a gift and also the phone is good, we can celebrate it, but then you come back and say like look because we cherish this because it is so valuable. This is what I want you to do when someone says look at this and you just have to get out of it and look where parents, we can handle the awkwardness when you think that conversation starts now. It always happens now and then it keeps happening and he done that with year like you, four and five-year-old boys right so what we do is we have a book called good pictures bad pictures like that and there's like a little kid version of it.

There's little will grow older version of it knocks on the bus. The world ever known that I just come across things that freak me out and like man. What can we do to get out of this and also you just talk about Zion, Daniel way boys are good and Shiloh, Abigail, your sister, she's a girl who's better boys or girls. Neither your both awesome and made an awesome and like just to hit them with these positive messages about their sexuality on every layer and this is kind of strange thing we do is I just say when women get pregnant.

The baby is not on their tummy because daddy has a Tommy everyone has a tummy babies in the uterus and that's a very very special thing that women have men don't and that's allows them want to make things a lot about baby so yeah what are they domains so the first four are philosophical so you have nonnegotiable's very important nonnegotiable.

You shouldn't send a nude photo. Well, that's just not conversation that we had to have. We were kids are kissing to hear that everybody's doing at school and they might actually say they actually might say thank you might say I needed to hear that their souls missed I needed permission because we had a weird school of young girls asked for nude afternoons asked for news. The boys are asking her for nudes and it doesn't happen all the schools like sometimes there's been a huge cancel culture backlash is been good on that level but eventually since the boys a nude photo was a boy, do cheers of all his friends and when I was the girl.

She's a uniform like all the nasty things she hates her life wants to leave the school but then as we are overhearing their other girls in school, said, I wish boys would ask me for nude photos so here that breaks your heart within what is that young lady actually saying she's I want to be desired. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved and what a beautiful place to be is a mom or dad or grandma or grandpa or as a youth pastor to say you are loved your important your valuable your beautiful you are desirable. This is not a way to express that.

That's the nonnegotiable and so there's all kind nonnegotiable. Second thing is money, who's paying for this. Who's paying for what breaks who's paying for cases whose paper data plants. That is to be out there. Third thing is location Kenya phone bentonite can have the phone bathroom can have the phone shower Kenya before church, king of the phone before your homework done. Can you have the phone we can call his child in their family conversation yeah and every family can choose what they want. You say no for the dinner table, might say, okay mom find no for the dinner table for you either piano and then the fourth one is time just how much time do I get them on that. All of these are philosophical and the four that are technical are app store social media Internet browser and texting so all four of those have different rules of engagement, and all four of those can take you to the worst places of being human and all four of those can malformed you as a person. But there also like it was interact and just like you would never say all it's amazing. It's your 16th birthday. I know we have a driver's ed yet.

I know we haven't trained it all but here's the keys my pickup truck you turn 16, you earned and I guess what I should tell you I know exactly where you were the morning of your 16th birthday.

You are the DMV waiting in line because and what did the car represent for you freedom yeah freedom to do what whatever I wanted right like what hang out my friend yeah hang out with boys go to parties go on dates, get a job yet go to athletic events. Go to concerts.

It was your freedom. The smart phone is the new vehicle and so that's why you don't see a 16-year-old waiting outside the DMV on their 16th birthday because they already got their freedom for us. Our cars were the greatest leap in human agency for life for that 10-year-old which the average age getting a new smart phone that's the greatest leap of human agency conversation number one is very good. Kirsten redeemed talking to as a family conversation number two McGee's quickly is what is it for and we outline this in the book engage your teens world alone it longer and smart insanity.

Was it forces talk about the purpose behind so if you can come to agreement the phone supposed to draw us closer together and yet dads on email and moms on Pinterest or Facebook or Instagram, and the daughters doom scrolling on tick-tock like this is not what is for, but also it's pretty cool. I can touch my phone a certain way and a pizza will be delivered to my door and he also like that's amazing. So the first one very good cursed how to redeem his family and invites it into a new narrative and starts with celebration. The second thing is all about. What is the purpose of this was for the third thing is drivers Ed and since the idea wisdom and so for all of you firstborn moms and dads out here listening to this right now, you're like I'm in a keep my kids phone locked down forever.

The last thing you want to hear them whisper as I can't wait to leave home. I can't wait to 18 to get this placement do whatever I want. So you need to have a position of like when you get a phone whoever pays for it. However, the pay for all the other things are figured out. We want you to demonstrate to us that you are responsible and awesome. We want to have no limits that we impose on your phone at some point will you still live in our house and then you cross your fingers and you hope that they will self regulate. You hope they'll say hey dad, I actually do want to be under accountability. I do want to be under authority, idea, and so whether that's inside your house or whether group of their friends.

You want them to do that. So to be like.

Finally, Ahmadi, do whatever I want to buy my own phone site. Whoever will mount phone so the first one very good cursed acronym is a family second one is what is it for this is all about purpose. The third one is all about drivers Ed which is wisdom in the fourth one is all about trust. So the fourth conversation is this. You gotta tell your kids over and over and over and over and over again. You need to say you can tell me anything and you say that you three-year-olds or seven euros or 17-year-old you tell me anything you tell me anything and then just got hope that it, hit some and hit some had some had some and absorbent absorbent and absorbent.

Mr. say maybe they're actually being honest, I can't tell them anything and then one day they're gonna tell you anything and got a practice run.

Not shocked face and gotta figure out what happens. I think you know one of the questions I would have.

I wonder if parents are the same thing is how I trust my son or daughter teenager with a smart phone when I don't trust myself you know I have boundaries around my own phone use and I have restrictions on websites and things that you know I can't get to date, especially if there is not a moral compass in their lives where you think the yeah they are not following Jesus and so do I. Give them that freedom well that's what's interesting one. I was a amazing that you're living the examined life. Socrates says the unexamined life is not worth living at ask us what to say that unexamined faith is not worth believing and so you said there are certain things that are better therefore I am not going to have for me not to email my phone not because you can do a lot about the amount that you can work all day long and so I don't want to be the dad was working all day long. You have email and you know I do not way to go but that night and all you I'm not try to virtue cigarette because you just gotta figure out what is that app for you so you're modeling that your kids in such a great way to say like look, I am leading by example here and you say what the kid doesn't have the Holy Spirit with the UK doesn't have a moral compass well there actually and this is been an interesting thing watching axis. We haven't thought it through. Yet multiple stories that I have heard in the past week were parent says my oldest kid was off the deep end with social media had some hard conversations was groomed by predators like you know all the leg just we had a hard conversation and they're like, and my youngest kid doesn't even want social media so you have a whole new generation just a I don't want to manage that. Who says this is not life to me says this is just some game that someone else's profiteering, and so there's a whole sociological there's a whole psychological case that can be made that just says this is actually hurting our humanity, but there's a great balance that can be found in there and so that's why the fourth conversation, you can tell me anything you want them to come to you and if they can't come to you to go to someone else. We want that conversation happen even when it comes to social media a great thing that you could choose to do, say, at some point will it have one want to pick one okay will once the pick. One is that why don't you post anything yet.

I want to show me what your posting mom. Well you just want to post a picture of your awesome birthday party which was great which shows everyone who came the party. What a great time they're having everyone who was left out because we can invite the entire school what they're missing out on.

And so I wanted to post a different picture as we don't want your other friends who weren't here to feel left out. You'd never get that point and one other thing you know is that there is so much pain in the smart phone space one axis is here to help you with that. But to there are new products being released every single year to try to help remedy this, so you have the gap phone you have.

The pen will phone you have the light phone you have the wise phone axis. His current favorite phone is the pinwheel phone. I think that every kids second phone should be an iPhone because that's what they want.

Maybe it's android that's like three or four, 5%, but their first phone you can get them some training wheels not to work at their 16 through 13 with that. 910 1112-year-old that dumb phone goodbye with you going to alibi flip phone. The charge was much for flip phone charge for iPhone you like what you get what we want you on this different device but there's other devices that are out there that are that great baby step in a recommendation right now, but will phone so driving training were teaching them, equipping them to be safe yet.

If there's one thing I read in your book and you said over and over the last couple days, engage, engage have conversation slips.

I mean seriously. Parents and teenagers often are afraid of that very step in its sometimes this is scarce. If the walk down the hall. 10 o'clock at night, or whatever opened her door and sit on the end of the bed and sell a stock. But that conversation is can be a lifetime conversation and I think to ask our kids how are you doing want to know how you're dealing what can I do to help you those conversations especially praying over your kids and for your kids and together as a couple.

If you're married, that's life changing to and to something that's even more exciting is having a teenager in her home is like having tech-support the lives inside your house.

So just ask them for help.

At some point you want to be like this phone could be the greatest adversary in our relationship, but I need your help in your good at this. You understand how it works like help me with this new what that is always something new and there to be great if there is that trust there. If there's an understanding around what's going on to work together towards that an action of the phone draw you closer as a family. You're listening to David and Wilson with David Eaton on family life to a clear some final reflections from David and in just a minute.

The first book is called engaging your team's world.

Understanding what today's youth are thinking, doing and watching. You can get your copy of family life.com engage well with our teens and look at them as trusted partners when it comes to everything from walking with God to you. As he said tech-support godly strong bonds can be built with them that nurture health, joy, and honestly a spirit of fun and forgiveness when it comes to forgiveness.

We think one of the best modern resources. You can learn from on the subject is Brent Hansen's book called undefended ball. We want to send you a copy as our gift to you when you financially partner today with family life. You can give online. A family like today.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That's 800 F is in family L as in life and in the word today. Right now, here's David and reflecting on their time talking with David Eaton about parenting teenagers so we just spent three days talking to David Eaton about parenting teenagers, which was super fun to talk, and that's what I want to know what you think. Well he so wise. There's so many good things that he said that I can imagine myself with teenagers furiously writing down notes, don't forget to do this make sure I know about this yet allow content. It was so good that it can feel overwhelming.

I am just thinking of parents of teens feeling overwhelmed at times. Not knowing where to start and went to Dalian things I just put down with. We love the teen years love done and I think the best thing we did was we walked with Jesus we sought him for everything for his wisdom, and I know that David Lee say he's doing the same thing I was thinking to when I can get overwhelmed or maybe a parent can get overwhelmed fine seizing these years or so much find and create an atmosphere of joy and laughter, play games, mess around 18 years. Go quickly and cited say you are the queen of fun will now you the queen of fun with the grandkids you like a magnet, draws her treasure teenagers home in order to be at some else's house it would be at our house. I think what he reminded me of was how much our teenagers want us as parents in their lives.

We feel like they're pushing us away there thinking were stupid and out of touch, and I don't want to be with us. They just want to be away from us and with their friends and he reminded me that now anyway said it in are no perfect parents book than he did parenting teenagers is relationship they want to relationship everything they say and do may look like they don't they really do. He called it the hunger to be with WITH they want to be with us, even though it feels like they don't and so I think man seize the moment to figure out.

Anyway you can to hang with you teenagers on a date with your daughters or hanging with your sons.

They won our influence had such a good reminder. It reminds me like my parents were not perfect by any means, but my favorite place to be. As a teenager when our house.

I want to figure out a day because of this fine lesson yeah your dad treated us is teenagers like adults. He really did not in a poor way. A good way you felt important you felt seeing you felt, heard you felt like man I have ideas that are respected you felt like an adult and I think that drew teenagers to your house and I think you did the same thing with our boys needed to, and I think David reminded us.

That's what God wants us as parents to do it isn't the youth pastor's job to be with our kids.

Although that's a good thing. It is our job to disciple our kids and he's equipped us to do it and we can do a better anybody so far on your knees and connect with Jesus and then say Jesus overflow what we have. You and me to my kids, are you working overtime trying to get your life together. I think we've all been a little too reliant on ourselves coming up next week on family life to a David and Wilson will be joined by author and hip-hop artist Jackie Hill Perry to tell us one big reason it's so difficult for us to trust God. That's next week on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm shall be added will see you back next time for another edition of family life family like today's a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most