Brant Hansen: How being unoffendable could change your life

My top five revenge movies you love these idle years with the but I know one of them to a blur in here. Okay, nobody never think I would say legally blonde and I want Ellen Woods gets you should get pays back read ahead thought, I think that we have a number for any Avengers movie anyone of my mama as always. Payback three that I think this is in my top five mean girls every time it's on I got end up watching a good person, you've seen and yes I pity you have a 76 go down getting soft. Here's here's here's yours gladiator. Yes and number one of all time. Okay, in my mind you got, you have to grit IR shank redemption.

Yeah got to be right at here's the thing, and are so many movies and you know there's times when you almost want to stand up and clap when the bad guy gets what's coming to them that some people are offended by our list right now – and I watch the lease family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and will yes you are not Dave Wilson and you can find his family life today.com or on the family life, family life today though. There's something in our soul that likes payback. Yet, in real life payback doesn't feel like it does in the movies.

It doesn't work.

But we gotta talk about that today because there's something in us that resonates with those kind of movies and those because bag I get what he's just there and so we have Brent Hansen back in the studio wrote a book about this call on the fundable that like were supposed to be on the fundable you gotta be kidding me about event title is how just one change can make all of life better. That's compelling. Yes, we are to find out what that changes. I guess it is choosing to be uneventful.

Anyway, welcome back. Read think you yeah it's realizing that my anger isn't righteous. Actually, and he said that you get was stirred up about that. What's great about this because it's so counterintuitive.

I think most of us grew up in church, like I have always thought what is bad anger need to get rid of that righteous anger to keep looking.

The table yeah yeah problem is not scriptural and can't find it in effect in James it says the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. We don't memorize. At first we just memorize 1/2 a verse where it says in your anger do not sin, but the rest of the verse says to get rid of it before the sun goes down, so anger can happen.

It's a natural physiological response. We have this spike in cortisol. For instance, or adrenaline or whatever you want to get back to normal response was to get rid of it and I had to study a lot to realize that that's the truth. And also when you realize it or not, the best judge for my righteous anger. He was always a good think their anger is not righteous.

Twitter is everybody all at once thinking that the Rangers righteous. This is a terrible way to live a much better ways to forgive people and do the right thing to defend the vulnerable defend other people but I don't do it out of anger that a cloud my judgment that hurts because God has forgiven me so I have to extend that forgiveness to other people.

So is not necessarily being passive in our response to what we feel absolutely not okay will do it out of love will do it out of a desire to defend the vulnerable.

For instance, because justice needs to happen we want to take back guys who hurt people off the street but we don't want the people who do that to do it out of anger want to do it with a clear head and mind and do their job so I can't get your head around this like to think I'm thinking like in a marriage situation. This is happened in our marriage. Observers have never marriage and gets mad at me at times matter. I'm not trying to say is one way.

It just happened a couple Sunday nights ago where she stormed out of the house. She was so mad at me and my son not caring for my son, his wife and me and she's like she's yelling like you guys are all the same, meaning pastors are all self-centered, all you care about yourself. Love you guys. Cody and I and that meant his wife had take care to little babies and and you know we just anyway she was so angry she said I gotta go for walk and she leaves that I literally like anything. What we did was that bad deal. But I guess it was some talk about that in some ways. When she came back you tell me was that good. Anger. I know now I don't give as good anger because I generally will take my anger to Jesus first and Jesus tends to give me persistency went today.

First thing you are so incredibly selfish I'm thinking I'm trying to defend my daughter-in-law and what she's doing and so I just let my words fly and I thank you guys are just so selfish and I said I just have to get out here. I need to go for a long lock Dave assignment super wise not to sign the letter that is close and so I go for a long walk and to be honest I didn't pray for a long time. Maybe the last three minutes because I was just venting to God everything that I was feeling and how I felt was so wrong in these guys really think about themselves and their own pleasure and what they can do it so anyway I come back and you still quiet while she came back and she was totally different. Space it was like I watched a woman leave and meet with God and come back in her anger was gone. Actually what she had yelled at me before she left, landed, and I was like yeah I need to hear that I was pretty selfish today. So in a sense of Sue is like anger, but it was like she was stirred up say Brent that my anger generally if it's unleashed it doesn't do good like it doesn't help the situation doesn't again make counselor so would you say to this this couple over here messed up. What I've learned 32 years old answers on this, but we have learned that it does take sometimes a little bit of a chance to talk to God about it. Get some perspective but that perspective again is okay if the other person is guilty and he maybe got you been forgetting to me.

I've been a jerk so I need to extend that grace to him.

You can still tell him I don't think it's okay if you realize what you did when you left her with the kids and you guys went had fun.

I don't think that's fair. I know you're well intended. You could say that your spouse to be generally speaking they are in their minds they are justified and what they did like I realized you wasn't. It's not a big I'm telling you is that usually gets a pretty good response from people. It also allows you to de-escalate situation and you can have fun in your marriage is fun again because you hang out at night to sell. It's all good. Or you can harbor anger and pat yourself on the back for how wrong he was to make a big deal out of it and just compound the other incidents, and eventually not even have anything to do with each other anymore who I did that for years. Okay so this is, but that's what people do when they defend this idea of will. Because he was really wrong. Yeah okay right and even wrongs. So are we going to deal with this humility.

Some people are like, already thinking to situations like my husband sexually abused our daughter 15 years that I didn't know anything about window ideally will again never my saying that forgiveness were Jesus saying I think were always writing or J like talking about getting rid of your anger forgiving so that you have to stay in relationship with these people. That's not what were talking about we talk about getting rid of your anger because you two are a sinner you're responsible for Calvary, which is a very grisly scene again like you are responsible for that I'm responsible. How can I be responsible for that and turn around and look you only goodness while you're messed up, but we are but do you want to live without anger towards that very holographic climb. The preprinted do you want to live with that. The rest of your life or is it actually compounding what this person has done now sabotaging your piece. The rest of your life. Was God actually giving us a way through this thing were supposed to let go of our anger, even though we totally understand why you're angry, absolutely. He's giving us a way to a better life because he loves us and it is better so one thing I talk about in the book. It's fasting this guy calls himself a militant atheist Robert Sapolsky easily primate neural endocrinologist at Stanford, but he does his whole course on anxiety and anger and stress and he's telling is through the list of the whole thing is written some great books. He's got this book called why zebras don't get ulcers in its genius because he saying all the creatures on the planet. Only one species gets ulcers. If humans its response to stress that stays in the system. The reason is a zebra. You will have that fight or flight response. For us it's the anger, fear response, fight or flight. But all these things will happen your body like your heart rate your blood pressure. Close all levels of adrenaline. The stuff is being digested your reproductive system will shut down everything always always changes will happen, but it's only for 30 seconds because zebra either gets caught by the liner gets escapes. That's it. That's what that fight or flight response is for. But see, we humans are able to call that response righteous hang onto it forever, please, like, do you know that that actually hurts your skin and your blood vessels, and your heart and causes fatty deposits to like your entire endocrine system is affected by your entire body is affected by it.

You will wear this anger that you will keep only humans do that in his conclusion is militant atheist's conclusion was we be better off if we just worried about today's problems today and became like the animals so that we don't think about tomorrow door exist to help us live longer.

Think Jesus said it sounded familiar to six yeah primate neural endocrinologist Sanford brilliant great book coming to that conclusion.

We should be like animals so we can justify our anger.

All we want, and try to twist it so that it like Noah says we should be angry. We should always be anger, which is always good reason. It is to say that but we can do that.

But is it a very heavy price not only our relationships on your actual physical body, so when Jesus is telling us to forget. I think he knows how were built and how we thrive.

So no matter how horrific the thing is I went through some horrific stuff going up so you could just wave off everything going for you Tom. You shouldn't be telling you. Life is better if you forgive. It always has been. It doesn't mean what they did is right effective means what they did is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't need to forgive but you will be for your and you will blossom in your life will go better you will be a source of life for the people. If you can do that if you can't that person is still affecting in your booking stair letters sent critiques that you've received. You walk us through what looks like for you to not be offended by one was funny.

I remember one morning in particular you are humorous or at least attempt at humor stuff on the show like one day I was doing a bit where cultures try name that I played accordion on here a lot like okay if you pick a song we play on the station Christian format or you can pick some of the 80s. If you want, because I didn't want just only people in a Christian if you welcome so summaries like okay you do know I can only imagine or support basic Christian songs. I try to play Mercy me or something.

They can identify some of the neck scholars like except for the 80s. All you will do the 80s.

So I played a song and she nailed that it was dangerous.

So what can you log and I got a call immediately.

Like I'm really disappointed with you sounded like you practice the secular song more than Christian song like five minutes later.

I do the weather like well it's going to be a little warmer there should be this time your 70 for high today than in the back down to 65 overnight in; I'm really disappointed now. Okay, what is the weather forecast why you said is can be warmer than it should be for this time year but God ordains the weather is to be exactly what should be okay. Thanks for your call for second stuff anyway. Using customer service stories. Everything anybody does anything it will IP address people are always doing people stuff had to dawn on me like wait to decide before I open my emails to forgive people wow. Who knows what's going on. You can have this mindset every day becomes a way of life were like. I know people are broken.

How do I know this because I am so why don't each day I understand this is what humanity is like the wonderful thing about that, as it frees you helps you practice forgiveness helps you become less defendable and then helps you actually see people pigeon offended by everybody. You can see, maybe, but God sees in them the potential that's there. I'm convinced he sees us like an artist sees like something they see real estate agent Rico like as well as indoor designer people yeah walk in they see a snake in their heads there seen something we don't like this person a look at the carport scattered around the closet though that's not what they see what I mean in some ways I think he's only from right. The reason we get so offended is we don't believe what you're saying about ourselves we think were better were not as bad as them were not as corrupt as were not as selfish as them.

You say the opposite leg. Look how selfless they are your worse and I think we don't think we are so were offended that they would do what they did to us. Yeah, I think it's all gratitude does not guilt. Guilt only good that drives us back to the cross when you get rid of the collect across what I mean is that is a religious thing. Just saying I don't use it just a phrase like we go back to being so thankful for what God has done for us. Jesus tells the story, it should an argument on this. It's the parable of the unmerciful servant you with this guy.

He owes the king much he's forgiven and then won't turn around and forgive somebody else and the king is very upset about that. That's about us, and I've heard people like grant, but that story means we should get angry because King got it like you're not the king in the story and then that's God. The unmerciful servant yes, but these see what they did in order to justify our righteous anger. We had to keep confusing ourselves with God were not. I'm a sinner so we can we stand for what's right. We try to do the right thing. We ask it's not just about getting angry.

We actually do the right thing to combat injustice, but is not out of anger. That's the important thing that's hard to let go because you know we can quote Romans vengeance is mine says the Lord, and were like that. I want some of that was similar to but I don't want to just give it to help ETF. Yeah, that's what we think about so here's the hard thing is always comes down to trusting God that he will be just, he will bring justice in the end, and it's not me bringing justice demand. That's very hard for me as a Pharisee by nature.

My son is named justice. I want those people to get what's coming to them. I can look around the culture go. I cannot believe this is happening, you know what I can, because he was always been this way for two sons were born one killed the other one like the first kids were born yeah humans. The first cave drawings first artwork that we have that humans have drawn our humans attacking each other so I'm not shocked by anymore.

I know it's me to but I extend this forgiveness out of gratitude for God is done for me and it is a better way to live and it hasn't stopped me were people I know the practice this from being involved in trying to set things right, but ultimately you have to trust that it's God is going to bring justice and I don't know how people live who can't trust that it's interesting if prayer with so many women about unforgiveness and got into a habit of just saying like, hey, let's just do a facial prayer. Just close your eyes. Picture yourself standing before Jesus.

Now pray before him like Lord, let us just hear from you and see from healing. We use our imaginations for so many things. So why not let the Holy Spirit you now take a stance I said, taking his picture yourself standing before Jesus and then say what he did.

Now picture the person that you just can't forget this one woman stared here before bed every single day.

Her mom would beat her with the broomstick every single day and she said I can't forgive her and so it was interesting that Kenny just picture your mom standing before Jesus. I wonder if there's anything he wants you to know about your mom's how interesting, I stand this so many times where there will be this grace piece that I feel like Jesus wants me and I like her life was so broken to and she was beaten to, or she doesn't know any better. I'm amazed at how you know they can see in a different light of maybe there's a story behind the story possibly scripturally made me think of as the first Corinthian's for the United nose and their close. Think about all this.

Paul actually writes. He said I actually don't know other people's motives, he said. In fact, I don't know my own so I have to let God sort it out in the end that's a prescription for yeah it's not a flesh and blood battle worn.

It's a spiritual thing, but that's faster to have humility to go. I can't be the final arbiter of my righteous anger.

I'm too biased. I saw the people's court.

Back in the day was watching I was after school so I never watch this they would introduce the plaintiff first and then the defendant and the plaintiff remember this one case of Seton Ritz crackers sit in front of the TV after school, and the plaintiff was like family of seven. Like the plaintiff says that they all went to the defendant's pizza restaurant and we all got food poisoning or sit for 24 hours. They're suing for $1500 for pain and suffering. Like all seven of the laissez becomes this even a case and then the defendant gets announce.

The defendant says he doesn't even own a pizza parlor, and the plaintiff is always try to get light like will wait wait wait when you hear the that's it. It's it so there's a proverb. This is the first to testify always seems right will who's the first to testify in my head.

I only tend to see what anybody else is doing wrong in my honest about my own lack of love that's what sin is like in the Hebrew the Catawba word that means were not loving God and people in a way that honors his image falling short of that. Do I see how I fall short of the love of God towards people probably don't know where we start getting to like help us maybe reframe the way we've been looking at this and what would arsenic steps be think it's daily gratitude I'm start today. So thankful God you forgive me and being so grateful for that. That the rest of the day to forgive people cut me off in traffic for my boss who might you look at me when he said are you writing with people like my boss is going to do stuff. My boss can be shocked again that person at work that other student spouse spouse looking to do stuff I can't control them. I'm going to forgive them in advance. Not because they deserve it because they don't deserve it and you do because I didn't deserve. That's what you forgive people and you can't forgive people simultaneously say, but I'm still to be angry with you. But I forgive you like that doesn't make any sense.

You have to let go of the anger to forgive as Jesus is forgiven you, but it's that you have to daily pick up your cross. In this way and make the sacrifice of your anger out of grace that was extended to you but this is an everyday thing again. I think this is discipleship yeah this is this is praying for your enemies. Loving the blessing them. Only one of the best decisions I ever made in my life is forgiving my dad your divorce was little boy a lot a lot of things and I wondered if you had a similar journey. Same thing was it quick, easy, long, hard, hard, but I do love them and we have worked through stuff. How did you end up forgetting. Because of this, and eating at you because I know for yeah just carried yeah you do. I could sabotage your family want that to happen him to have that power.

Either you had that can influence over me growing up this not spiteful towards him is like this is a new thing and my kids are not to be able to relate to me what I went through, but I'm so thankful to God, forgive me whether you stay in relationship with the toxic parent or somebody looking that's not what I'm talking about. I have chosen to stay in relationship, but some people don't and I understand that you can still let go of the anger. You can even still pray for them. Like I don't want them to have that sort of toxic spillage in my own life now.

He put any boundaries around my neighbor going up totally and absolutely I think when you don't do things out of anger.

Now you're not reacting your parents either costly be reacting to what happened to me years ago want there to be some joy and we can be in the moment, but if you're living a life with unforgiveness. You can't really beaks, that stuff is always there, is always eating away your insides literally and what's your relationship now with him like text everyday. Really, he's got his struggles and stuff and I know who is in pray for him and want the best friend so form that's a great sign of forgiveness.

He said I want the best for him. That's love right yeah some room for everybody. Honestly, what I see channels for news channels that I don't agree with on screen at the gym for those people never for him to win some kind of earthly battle, but I'm rooting for ultimately who they are and I know God loves them here rooting for them for spiritual pretty radical. It's crazy is almost like when his Christianity sees being radical like this is where if we did this we would be such different that our churches would be full would be running to that community. Part of that and why do you love me so much I thought he would be righteously angry at me is a different demeanor that we have and it becomes very attracted to our neighbors you're listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Brant Hansen on family life today that is unfortunately radical it be great if that kind of love was normal.

Wouldn't it in my heart even will stick around Brant Skinner, pray for us in just a minute, but first at family life.

We believe the kind of love God calls us to isn't something that we can just muster up on our own. We all need God's spirit in us to love others the way were called to know whether that's your spouse here messy toddler's your neighbor or whoever love is possible when we know how much we been forgiven ourselves.

That's why we believe that any help were going to get in a relationship is going to be based on the gospel were unashamed that and if you believe the same would you partner financially with family life as our thanks we love send you a copy of Brant book. It's called on defendable how just one change to make all of life better is our gift to you when you partner financially today@familylifetoday.com or when you call us at 800-358-6329.

That's 800 F is in family L as in life and in the word today. Okay, now back to David and with Brant Hansen. I'm wondering Brant would you pray for us for our listeners like who are to think I don't know this is really hard. I sure will.

I think you would be so good to us.

Help us to grow be more like you. Help us to see people as you see us so we can extend the same forgiveness of them. You've extended us to speak like you toward them and we ask this in Jesus name. Sometimes as kids travel into the teen years they naturally tend to distance himself, but there is a healthy way to do that in an unhealthy way for that to happen tomorrow on family life to date David and will be joined by David Eaton to talk about how your overreactions as a parent could be pushing away your team that's tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson.

I'm Shelby Abbott. See back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most