Mike and Kim Anderson: Battle for Your Child. Fight for Your Marriage

So did a close family member tell you not to marry me. Yeah, your dad, you give me now.

He actually said never he barred me from the house from dating you because he coached me in baseball and he knew that I was his kind of guy that he wanted his daughter to marry. But then I want them overly dead. But what if your mom had said hey I really have some concerns about you marrying Ian with that of an hardball if anybody wouldn't of endorsed it. It would've been hard to specially family member to family life today to help me pursue the relationships that matter most. I am in Wilson, Dave Wilson and you can find his family like today.com or on the family life. This is family life today. We got Ron deal with this from our family life blended ministry and the Ron welcome family life today, guys. It's always good to be with you.

It sounds like you had a conversation with a couple who had almost exactly that happen right yes as a matter fact they did.

I spoke with Mike and Kim Anderson some time ago and were going to jump into that in just a minute about the lead up to it. It's amazing. Kim had her daughter say to her will wait a minute.

Maybe I'll just let you hear it from her. Let me think about this couple, Mike and commanders and their founders of Mike and Kim coaching the cohost, the blended family coaching show their coaching and helping and supporting stepfamilies.

We've had them speak at our summit on stepfamily ministry before, so there their trusted voices. A quick funny story about them. About 20 years ago right before they got married they came to a weekend blended family seminar that I did at a church near where they live. Mike wanted to go to the seminar, Kim is like now.

We don't need to go to that Mike is like no I had a bad stepfamily childhood experience. I don't want to repeat that Basso let's go coming out of the event Kim is like that was great. We've got to learn more and so they sent themselves on this path that is ultimately resulted in them now being able to get back and bless other people through their own ministry, which is really cool but they attended that seminar one week before they got married in the night before they got married. Jim's daughter came up to her and said something okay… Play it yet… So you're at this event a week before you get married, it's opened your eyes around a few things and then what happens to get married. A week later when God first. Didn't completely scare you guys so I don't know and you know my five-year-old daughter going and like I said she really adored Mike and they had a great connection and things were going really well there but the night before the wedding. She pulls me aside and says I don't want you to marry my like blindside what's going on here. Okay, so I imagine that you had a sense that she was going to be okay with the way so that of an affectionate towards him going into this so there was something there. The relationship developed to some degree. There was something there. Yeah, she throws a curve don't marry Mike what did you do well, as you feel about all my heart just sank. Yeah, now I mean that's that's not position of wanting to do right by your kid that what you do and so I tried to find out what was going on she was five, so she didn't have the best communication skills and Hamden thought about it and she blurted out.

Well, you know he he talks too soft on our answering machine very soft talker off talkers. Now she was just really can. She was filled with some conflict definitely some mixed emotions.

She really is.

She really cared for my again and you know wanted me to have have a relationship with him. But of course you know what was to come, and what what was the impact gonna be and how is that a change in our relationship, and there are probably some pairs into note only about six months prior to wedding her dad remarried and so she was also experiencing this in her own home, so she's moving back and forth between these two homes with changes all for sure.

Time one of the things we tell blended families, couples before they get married is to recognize that when they get married. It's it's again for the adults.

On some level doesn't mean it's bad but on some level it is a loss for their children right. Things are changing again and I think adults generally really minimize that absolutely yeah I think we were prepared because we heard from you not to underestimate the loss that kids experience did help. I'm just curious, did it help slightly even ever so little for you to know that's somewhat expectable when your daughter said maybe it went through a filter of while this is not as bad as I thought absolutely is definitely helpful.

I was able to stay in the conversation. Hang in there panic panic I didn't dismiss I hung in there with her and we got through it and she you know she was happy at the wedding that I have a couple pictures of her kind of got the look on going to work with other couples and we talk about this whole kids perspective ideas how we slip in their shoes really understand that loss talk about picture of us up on the platform and three of us joy filled smile and a career in front of us with the biggest from the picture like you were she was.

That is a snapshot now, so please listen to us right down there thinking, oh no you know should I feel guilty about this. Should I feel horrible that I'm putting my kids what would you say to what I would say first.

If you're if you're carrying a burden of guilt. Get some help at that. You know that's just not something you want to carry around. But as far as RX variance goes and has benefited greatly from having Mike in her life and it deftly has not been easy and there you go.

Amazing long term view. I can't even imagine where she would be if she didn't have Mike in her life meters in the long game and know what I would say from a stepparent perspective is due everything you can to get yourself into the troubleshooters and try to understand the things that they've experienced because every experience they've leading up to their relationship with you color the way that they connect with you and you need to understand that before you start down the road, assuming that they're all on board and excited the Brady Bunch experience probably won't or talking with Mike and Kim Anderson today if Mike and Kim coaching so they walk this journey and now you're helping other people before we get to that. I want to just pick up where we left off. So you get married.

You've got a five-year-old, Jim and you guys get married. Kim your divorce case you have an ex-husband is your daughter moving between the two okay and then you guys get together and you have two children of your own joy in it somewhere in the story. There became some problems with the other household. Yes yeah you know we were pretty good peacefully. Coparenting for the first 10 years after our divorce, but that's one of the funny things about coparenting is that things can radically change you don't have a lot of control over what's going on in that other house in the attitudes site say that one more time over what's going on and what the attitudes are in so III tell you this story with a big? Still in my mind as to why it happened because we don't have answers around why this shift in attitude occurred, but at some point my acts kind of got it in his mind that my daughter no longer needed us in her life and he just kind of decided that she doesn't need to come to our house and she doesn't need to have a relationship with us and I'm sure it was around control, but he put her in this position of if you want to be loved and accepted by me.

You've got to reject your mom and the stakes and how old was she when the same as 12 saw a very rough age already right and and to be put in this position was it was cruciate eating really tough on all of us how to impact her well. She she got lost. Honestly, my daughter was gone. She became a robotic puppet for him and so she went, and we did see her. We went from 50-50 visitation which we had done. Like I said for years and years to down to sit at the lowest point. Like maybe 11% and she would come with attitudes and all kinds of reasons why she shouldn't be there and just repeating things that he had told her to say the Guardian ad litem to the counselor. She just wasn't there. There were when there was a few times moments where she would break her I would see her where she had she still there, but then it would all shutdown came up.

You know, put more pressure on. We didn't have a clear understanding of the kind of emotional and verbal going on right as I'm listening to that.

Like I have tears in my eyes. I'm thinking as on this wing kill me so hard on everybody right palm.

Of course, and on the child. If you are guessing what you guys think the impact would be on. I can imagine the turmoil that is going on inside of her because she's basically having to take sides.

I don't know how you would do that as a daughter or as a son. When you love both of your parents, but one is siding against the other. In some ways, it makes sense that she be acting out. She's trying to find security she's finding trying to find identity.

I experienced a little bit in my blended family because I didn't want to show my stepmom that I loved her because I knew it would hurt my mom so but this is a situation times 100.

What I experienced what you guys are exactly right.

A lot of kids experience the very things that you been talking about let's jump back into the story and find out what happened. Do you have a sense of what the cost was for her complete control from the other household so she losing my love and affection yeah yeah and control of her whole life.

Her extracurricular activities, her friends, her everything. I mean at a stage where she should be venturing out making decisions for herself and figuring it out. She was under some completely and really stunted her growth and I know your heart. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through to get to see her on a regular basis for that. We did see her.

Of course he would intrude on that time schedule all kinds of activities that her mood wouldn't be.

It was hard to be around her. It was difficult. What was interesting is when we would like. This is both rear. So we were in the family court system for three years. Lots of time and energy resources. Everything went into this and I think what was interesting as there were times where we would have vacations we would have some extended time with her and took a day or two, but one study or two past the wall started to come down.

She was away from you know we would travel somewhere and all of a sudden were like shoes – he is like a marriage but it could just as easily be shut down and she called him and you would see it hurt just.

There was a vacation we were on and she got to go rock climbing.

For the first time with my brother.

He's a rock climber and she was just loving it. She's kind of an adrenaline junkie.

She was having so much fun and enjoying herself and she wanted to call and tell her you know, and her siblings in the other home and she was to tell them about her being steeped in and you could just physically see her chest slump by his reaction. He just shut her down didn't want to hear about it, didn't care. That's the thing if you're listening today and you know someone in that situation or you are that parent who's doing that to your child. You have to have that image in your mind of this girl slumping over going from joy to complete shut down for hours after that is off essentially what you're asking them to do is to give up their joy to give up their ability to enjoy life and people in relationships in the other home for you. You're asking them to take care of you that's not right. It's costing them their childhood. In fact, it's just the opposite. She was wanting to share with him.

She was wanting him to know and to be known by him. Okay so shutting down things improved well well so there were several years past.

This whole season.

Now what happened essentially have this three years in the family court system and there's an amazing story of God's providential hand on this experience. We wrapped the time up in the month of October, a camera, the year that it was but we felt like we have lost. After three years of battle. I think we were up 30 some odd percent of our time with her daughter and she still on the walls will have. We absolutely thought the why having written through all of we were crushed and I gotta imagine like the disciples right after the crucifixion of gotta be going. Why did we go through all this, like, really.

And now just over if that's how it felt so we were. We couldn't believe it. And so literally one month later Thanksgiving weekend, the most terrible thing to happen happened, but it brought healing and redemption, and that was the herd cross the line of physical talk in her home. She locked herself in her bedroom when other window came to our home and by the next week.

We were immediately back in court.

The judge said now were done he said I listen to this. I don't want to hear anymore about the Guardian ad litem finally got to a place of saying okay now we can do something different in the Guardian ad litem essentially said I knew something was coming to counsel only we had to let it be her decision. Otherwise she would just keep running back and then she called for one last meeting and she said I just want you to know this young lady has been through all of this. She's used to apparent is very authoritarian were were you two are much more authoritative allowing her to make decisions for herself and she's not going to know what to do without freedom of thought. So joyful were going on with her daughter and in her walls were down.

Yeah she she was like this instantaneous return of our daughter and then we were joyously through a really difficult time just in our home of her making really poor choices that the person was right control was lift okay and it makes sense for she finally had some freedom.

Something in her life and she did know how to handle it right because I was young at formative years when she should have been making decisions in failing in learning was removed and so now she she looked to her peers to make her decisions that whatever environment she was in. She will look for someone else and she just yeah it was three more years of rebellion and she was in your home. At that time will we know the sun for 12 when the alienation process started 15. At this point she's back in your home.

Things were really rough.

It went from fighting for her investing everything we had into freeing her from the situation to which she turned 18.

We had to ask her to leave our home because things were so we had to set some strong boundaries. Tough love thing so I gotta just pause and talk talk to that list or for a minute in the middle of all this, whatever their story is there in the middle of hard and I'm thinking about you guys headed you protect your marriage in the midst of the stress. What did you do to stay alive. How did you put your own kind of well-being. Would you relationship with God will throughout the court bottle. We didn't protect her marriage.

We saw those really noble, but we were going to allow some of the energy that we would've put into us to be put on the back burner because Robert Rafter saving this child you know here this is near and dear to Kim's heart because this is her daughter and at the same time is near and dear to my heart because of the environment that I grew up in and I got it I was like man I know what this book is going through. How can we not fight for and so we didn't invest in her marriage and was on the tail end of that that we almost lost because we did okay. I just gotta say I totally get that. Like I don't blame you at all. Let me know the one hand, you are hundred percent after rescuing this child from her situation and flip around. It feels like honey let's go out and have a happy dinner going to date and enjoy ourselves with knowing at the same time. Our daughter is over here, miserable and sick and you know and stressed out, but we can enjoy life. I was in a pit. I was in a pit of depression starting a lot of that just emotionally distraught.

There was no no way, but I remember that season of Mike being my whole support. I mean I was crumbling left and right, and he was just there. He was holding me up. He was my shoulder to cry on. He was the one praying for me constantly and just in there with me so I mean we came out of that season is a united team in fighting this battle are romance, no romance and what about God mean was a distant, was a close.

Yes yes yes there were times when I was so angry at God because we felt him telling us fight fight fight I will provide. I will carry you through which he did, but but the action wasn't there. We just couldn't that I also got little at my worst points when I was just gone and distraught. God will give me a picture of her heart where she really is she still there, she still bonded to give up be defeated. She she need you to fight for her. She need you to know you're going to be there when she's ready.

You listening to family life today conversation that Ron Diehl had with Mike and Kim Anderson on his family life blended podcast. I mean that situation putting a child in the middle is the worst thing you can do right. Ron it is. It is so hard torn between people you love and you always feel like you're feeling somebody so you're never feeling like you're successful you feel like a failure and it's just emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, think about the spiritual influence for a minute if you're putting your kid in the middle when you're listening to this program right now. If you're doing that kind of thing to your child and then you turn around and expect them to adopt your values. Guess what you're shooting yourself in the foot with your relationship with the child and you're sabotaging your spiritual influence with your child, you just can't do that it and it's negatively impacting who they are. The list flip this over real quick because what I also want to speak to the person listening who's going. I'm fighting for my child, and sometimes on I'm sure it's worth, I'm not. I'm sure were ever going to get anywhere.

While I want to say no.

Keep fighting and I love Kim said about she had this vision like I just gave her a vision of her child's heart like she still there.

We can't see or touch or be with her very much, but she still there and she still needs us. Yes, that's exactly right. Keep pursuing whatever the cost because one day ultimately hopefully you connect will run as I'm listening to that. I'm wondering like there had to be a fallout with so how did things turn out with her listen to the rest of the story.

Sure people are wondering if things improve with your daughter yeah you very much and she still struggles to set boundaries with her dad and she's learning she's learned how to have a relationship with him is that she can which is great.

I mean she needs to have a relationship with him and with his kids. But she's learned set boundaries which is wonderful but she's the Gatling. I have only about all true great. She's maturing and she got herself bucking the school, he got his gun clean time, which is been incredible for over three years now and she's she's figuring it out. She's challenged by the things we all have been child by 20 but she's figuring it out and she's wanting to do to do life well and so that's pretty incredible and the fact that we now have Justin as a loving relationship with her. She invites us and it's amazing she comes to last for five days and late week that's a sculpture off little ice stuff and she trusts son is very loving and appreciative and you know we look back on that time and we sometimes talk about his painful for both of us that she realizes when she put us through mean at one point she even apologize which never thought we get didn't expect was aghast but she she deftly understands about what kids go through so you're listening to family life today. Conversation Ron Diehl had with Mike and Kim Anderson about their daughter, Anna gone the blended family and I tell you are Ron here in the end of the story warms my heart. I mean there is is listen to this podcast is like I don't know if this is going to ever turn out. And yet God shows up and it is you know it just remind you it's worth the fight. Stay in yes absolutely. It is worth the fight. Of course, to me this is a story of a faithful God who keeps providing who keeps helping along the way and the power of one faithful parent and a bonus stepparent who don't give up who are going to continue to fight for their child and then to fight for relationship with their family there some complexity in blended families.

When the other household is not cooperative and that made things harder for the Andersons and yet they did give up they stayed with it and the outcome is really positive for everyone, especially Anna can really say Ron play the long game. Don't get discouraged today because we have no idea what God is up to for tomorrow and the next day or maybe the next year or two. That's David and Wilson with Ron Diehl on family life today with inherent clips from episode 10 of the family life blended podcast when Ron was joined by Mike and Kim Anderson. You can find the full episode by searching for family life blended wherever you get your podcasts or by visiting family life today.com. If you or someone you know is in a blended family got a check out family life blended in addition to the podcasts family life blended has books online courses videos as well as live events and one is coming up real soon is called the summit on stepfamily ministry. This event is for church leaders and laypeople who want to learn about healthy blended family living and the essentials of local ministry. You can find out more about the summit on stepfamily ministry@familylifetoday.com and tomorrow.

David and will be joined by Jenny and Curtis Solomon to tell the story of how their marriage was full of lies seat and on its last leg due to pornography addiction does come up tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson.

I'm Shelby Abbott see that next time for another edition of family life today. Family life is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most