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May 4, 2022 2:02 am
Stuck feeling defeated as a mom? Don't go it alone! Author Heather MacFadyen shows how you can be foster key relationships with God, others, & your kids to be the mom you want to be.
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No before we get started the day I think we did talk about something. I don't think our listeners probably understand but it's really important, really important that we are a listener supported program. In other words, we exist and are able to bring this guy content to marriages and families because people are generous financially to jump in and be a part of making this ministry possible. In fact, was excited right now we have a spring match going on where if you join in, and maybe you've never done this before so were asking you to become a family life partner, a monthly partner. Your gift of any amount that's given monthly will be doubled through the end of the year. Yes, so it's amazing to think that if I give $100. It's doubled for the whole year. So were really asking you to become our partners.
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So to join us go to family life today.com and become a partner with us. It was very humbling. I found very quickly. I think the had even left the hospital with my oldest and I was in tears.
What is it that so hard. I know that that guys like me listen to God seriously. You are like our world. I really that hard. Welcome to family life we want to help the relationship.
They will soon and you can find a family life today.com or on our family life, family life today after 36 years of you mom I want to know the and Wilson secret the mom's secret world every three sons. Now we have grandkids you done it if there's like one secret.
I think the thing that surprised me the most is how much I needed other women other moms in my life to encourage me here saying that I don't think I had any idea how lonely I would be as not because we moved to Detroit I was pregnant, had a baby yet in the church.
I didn't have the community and I was dying. I was miserable and I was blamed for all. I really didn't blame you that I needed women and I think you're right everything were talking about. That is because we have Heather McFadyen with us who's written a book called don't mom alone, Heather.
Welcome to family life findings for boys. As a mom of three boys and two boys moms in the studio you have a certain quality that pull something out of you in reaction to all of the boy being in the environment and our listeners what you do and even your podcast so I began writing online before Facebook was a thing and then trim will long time ago, 2008 how you say that you like blogging or just writing articles about blogging. This is what people do lies in my parents neither one lived in our cities. I was like you, you know, isolated from community and from family and so how you updated them as you wrote online and shared. We went to the cited that kind came in ministry where I was sharing what God is teaching me and I transitioned into a podcast in 2013 years ago on the state just a few people listen. And now you people are listening all over the world and it's called don't mom alone. Listen to this. I just sent it to a bunch of things that I am doing up small group with because it's encouraging I would say's desk. I listen to what I got. Read your book, but I want to hear a little bit and so I clicked on a couple what we note Dr. Julie Slattery and yeah yeah her on recently and I like men. Men could learn a lot when my feet dad getting in and yeah and you get some urge for them fires out alone. Yeah, if I asked you like a zero mom secret. I know you obviously are going talk a little bit about what and said that you can't mother alone, but is there something because your mind is like okay this would be mine. This would be the secret.
I think moms need to know or understand Jesus. Yeah really honing my relationship with God. I think I was stripped of all the tools that had worked up to that point. So a good performer in school did some synchronized swimming lands. I do love that you know right away what yeah one of those are. I did that note, athletics, and if you call that I think that any area of my life.
You work hard enough you put in the time and you get an A+ and our gold medal and it was very humbling. I found very quickly. I think we had even left the hospital with my oldest and I was in tears of just not knowing what to do and I had my Masters degree in speech linkage pathology specializing in 0 to 3 child element in infant feeding my child struggled with keeping his food is not reflux so bad thinking I'm supposedly the expert. I have a Masters degree in this I would let a babysitter's club as a 13-year-old back in the block, holler and mount handbook on how to babysit. I love kids always wanted kids with did you write your own hand while you're saying. Like all land on the babysitters club and couldn't do it. I've hit my wall. Day one the hospital and had really lean in my faith, Heather.
That happened to me. I went out to dinner with my parents with a three month old and my dad looked at me.
He lived in another state. He looked at me said what happened you know I had food in my high don't even know what was going on but I said dad and I didn't force my whole life. I said I could run a marathon and it would be so much easier than this and he's like talking about a three month all the light.
How hard can this be back late, but I think what that does to us as women is it makes us fall on our face before God.
There something beautiful about that and say God I can't what what is it that so hard. I will not load that guys like me listen to God seriously.
You are like it's our world. I really that hard thinking being asleep at night very beautifully. I do think there's a pressure that we put on ourselves, yeah. And I think that our society puts on us but we draw connection lines. If there's a school shooting. If there is a you know a child goes and becomes a prodigal everyone starts questioning their parenting as if it's an A+ B equals C situation, and while we know as parents we are responsible we had this ability to store that well and be intentional and all of that. The wildcard neither humans send natures and got has an ultimate storyline where he may even use that prodigal moment for his greater purpose and plan when you have that crying baby and your thinking. I don't know how to make them stop crying. It is a weak point and there been many times when I wanted to be assigned a different ministry, a ministry moms is not sexy, not extinct, not cool, but I like it is calling you art have needed it or you see the need yeah but I think in the greater realm. It's not high and lifted up platform or interest. A lot of people even say what is not that hard.
Why would you need support, but I think what I found is if my goal is to reach the world with the gospel which it is, I believe we've all been given the same calling to go make disciples and our assignments are different in my assignment is in this season. A mom is so ready and willing to receive help outside of herself.
Yeah, higher power, strength, a purpose and a plan beyond what she can see and not eternal perspective helps her. That's I'm supposed to be and I feel like it's such a need and it was mops ministry. It was all those ministries that really strengthen my faith and so if I can be a piece of that in someone's life.
Mother the season we all say that it was when I was with a group of older women in a knitting group jealous NHL group Jalan Joe. There are successful people that we together for hours once a month with these women, and realizing they had had more years since their kids have left their home in the ever had kids at home.
So it is a blip on the timeline. If you're blessed with a long life, but it is a really important state that obviously it's an exhaustive search of it is physically to talk about being a mom. Just last week our youngest son was here with two grandkids who-year-old and one-year-old were driving in the minivan was already okay, guess who's driving I'm driving okay in the passenger seat so and in the two kids and their mom are all the one-year-old is screaming for an hour blessed little girl the car seat or whatever didn't work was so entertaining. Here, maybe any woman there as a mother understands this. The worst place to be in the car is back in the back with the children screaming.
That's why I was myself and I could see this going on I was thinking like I feel so bad for my daughter not because she feels bad with Mike. Sorry.
Crying on my way don't care but I see thinking what I used to think that I was in that situation. I know exactly why am I like get back here while I was watching or listening mirror and noticing that Cody and I are almost oblivious. It's like a turtle or will all know there's a wall is behind us. We can hear but were not part of it you moms are in it that's always so hard.
It's a visceral response and I do think it's it's a God-given thing me to that when there screaming in the middle the night. I want to help I want to make the screaming stop in a different way than you want to make three things that I want to child his content and happy there something in me that wants that, but I think we can describe it to think when we are praying with a first my husband and even grasp fatherhood and tell a baby showed up on the scene and he grasped a little bit but yeah for sure those early months of trying to work through. On paper it seems that my husband and I grew up in the same home. My parents thankfully were both married over 50 years. We each had four kids in our home so I got had professional careers. Christian families so not a lot of conflict from that when it came to our we going to raise this child. The conflict start coming up and you don't want to mom alone. If you are you have a spouse and that you invite your husband into that but man do we let them cry or not, was one of the big hot and the mom visceral responses in the right responses when cried out.
Yeah, yeah. And I think that all those little teeny decisions.
It can start to wear on your marriage as I do have a chapter in here on and connected team, a team mentality when it comes to renting is the aloneness feeling as a mom is that a dominant obviously your home ministry called don't mom alone so I guess and I were you going to answer but described that you always understand that aloneness feeling. I think for me it was beyond just the loneliness that maybe people can relate to having onto the pandemic. If you don't have kids like beyond just I can't see people so your kids or maybe forcing you to be away from people. It's more I have pulled away pieces of myself from being known whether it's I'm no longer working outside the home, or even when I'm around other moms. I'm not really sharing what's hard right now because I don't want you to think I'm a bad mom that's really true. So what I found was my pride in my wanting to look like I've got it all together. I'm not making mistakes is that I wouldn't share what things were hard. I might host the play date, but I may not say that I was up the night before as this person espousing on the horrors of using a pacifier. My child sucking on a pass. Only things keeping me sane is like oh I better go hide that before she sees that we rely on pacifiers or this one thing you should only breast-feed and I have formula in my pantry better not bring that out what you don't you start hiding because we all are doing this for the first time wanting so desperately to get it right but missing the opportunity for connection. Because of these isolating ideas and now it's worse because now were not only comparing to our friends around us. We have all of social media by Larry exactly. I can remember being at my first outing going to a Bible study taking my baby and I think I had an instant like a two month old and a two-year-old and some moms were talking afterwords and talking about how it's so fine and I remember saying you guys know what happened to me this morning. I said this is awful. I said I had some orange juice in my hand that was mine.
It was glass in my two-year-old Trying to pull it out of my hand and I said no honey, it could break and I was very calm and kept pulling and pulling, I thought, well, alright, I'll just let it go and so I let the cup go out of my hand and he splashed the orange juice all over his face and he just broke into this tantruming crying and he was fine and the moms looked at me and here was response to laugh like I remember taking all them like that and I went home, cried because it just reinforce your family and you are a bad mom. So I think we can be surrounded by people as you said Heather, but we can retreat in shame and guilt, and that can be hard. You had that happen at the park I was before I was in any mom community and our churches.
Mops was at the Arboretum. It's just a pretty park and I saw all of them and I am trying to do the ticket hustle and trying to see the newborn is screaming in the toddler really needs to go home and take his nap lavender on the key picture yet of them by the pumpkins. Some trying to make it glass a little bit longer, and one of the mentors comes over and she sees me struggling and this is another lie that keeps us isolated is that I don't need help right height I can do this on my own.
I should be able to do this on my own moms for centuries have and so she offers help, but I reject it like non-fine and then she so wisely offers a specific help and she says she had a British accent told us not genius food always house and so I pointed to the bag and she gets up a little snack cup and she goes offered to him and he really rudely just grumps away from her and says no, and I'm horrified because you can't act that way. Especially not a British woman mentor and so I look at her and I am so sorry and I start listing of all the excuses I keep eating even that guy and he looks right at me. That night she says why mothers do we feel like we need to apologize for all children. If he wants to be a jet but not letting me endure and failing, but so much of the not connecting with other moms is our kids behavior yeah ties to our performance and if we are high achieving high performers and kids are kids and we see that as a B+ on a report card