Bill Hendricks: Helping Your Unique Child Thrive

Forget today's programs. David Robbins, president of family life and I have with me. My wife Meg and we just wanted to take a moment and thank those of you who are giving to family life and helping this program go into truly hundreds of thousands of homes across the country every day and how deeply impacted I am when I get to listen to the program and their things just even as a mom, just changing. The reality is that daily life that are full of highs and layers that sometimes it's just such a lifeline at any myself, but it's also such a gift to be able to share it with my friends in just to hear stories that people his lives have been totally impacted and transforms and we are so thankful for each of you who are listening as if you have been a part of giving and making this possible for so many people to hear this around the world and we have a great opportunity this month. Any gift you give is doubled because of some generous friends of family life that have come together and have given a matching challenge this month truly fueling more ministry to more homes you'll hear more about that coming. You can check out family life to.com.

We could be her old talk about all the different forms of giftedness with the roar. There's only as many forms of giftedness as there are people because every single human being is uniquely designed by God. Giftedness is what you are born to do. Welcome to family life to a where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most time and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us if we live today.com or on our family life, family life today so you can think of a moment when we are raising our three boys when you knew this is who they are.

This is how God made him yes because you are each boy. Okay, I wonder if there same as me. Okay, first fun playing basketball, yelling years old. I'm so into it and he stops in the middle of the basketball court, staring at the games going on the balls going back and forth by all by himself, standing in the middle of the court.

Looking at the scoreboard and I come from a long line of coaches and athletics and I all that; that I'm laughing on the coach of this team were only 12 I called timeout because I know exactly what I do. You know it was a perfect day what he is so into technology. He's looking to scoreboard think and how does this work yes that's what he said and then he also said to you at three years old dad.

When did your head start sucking your hair back in and out all day. Okay that's weird is quick quick. So how about Austin I got it the pipe pipe is birthday cake. When we say good Steve yeah was a cape and a pipe for his birthday because he so artistic and in the literature into Lord of the rings you to sit there with his baby never smoked if you just want to hold his head yeah exactly and Cody. All I remember about him is playing sports and bossing all of his friends around Arizona football to him when he was six or seven each 30 yards away over a kids head.

He dove and caught it and somebody turned to me and said that kids get to play on Sundays that he did. He ended up in the NFL betting catching a ball yards away in the area like he's gifted that's something you don't see every day, why are we talking about so I am so excited for today and are excited for you and especially I am to let you this is your world. You love to see what God is put in a person, whether it's our kids or even a stranger and draw out the giftedness in the unique design that God puts in the first bag 09 or so.

Your smile about that what we just had lunch with our guests and I could sit with them all day long because they have such a wealth of information and they've also written a book. I think you're gonna love this as adults as coworkers and parents like parents.

This is can be so important for you, you, Bill Hendrix and Bev Hendrix, God be there brothers and sister, brother and sister in the studio with this welcome for left today. Thanks for having us filing this whole time over you that I was thinking this is a kindred spirit over I mean this is what I love to do and I can imagine doing anything else. I kind of do it whether getting paid or not. So I was thinking how fortunate your sons are that you were paying attention to many parents are not paying attention to what is happening right in front of them with what we called the wonder of their child which goes along with the title of your book. So how do I parent this child subtitled discovering the wisdom and the wonder of who your child was meant to be a great title yeah and obviously talk about that in parenting but in life as well. But let me give the listeners a little bit of history Bill, I didn't know this.

You've written over 25 books feels any written with your sisters. This is the first. How did that go well.

I think it was great to me the reader off to be the judge of that well-written it is but the we enjoy the collaboration I can tell you.

So far, more stronger Buchman written about myself and kind.

Let's get to parents and not just one that another expert on giftedness. Yes, they are both down in Dallas and you have the global center for giftedness which never heard the title before but what a fascinating, then this will rent talk about because you identify giftedness and people in your own kids both had three daughters that's got some grandkids} of them yeah and build pride most impressive thing I'm looking on your bio as you have degrees from Harvard, Boston, and Dallas theological seminary bettors of Ball State was an extra you know my dad was educated beyond my intelligence you work as well. At the center. Forgiveness talk about we do we have the consulting practice where people can come test because something in their life isn't working, and then we put into this assessment and help take them back to really the best of who they are, how they do life each and every time they're motivated and then use that kid direct them, guide them kind of be their advocate and if you start the institution ball is a consulting firm that I've had really all my career. We did not develop the assessment process that we use that's been around for going on 60 years but were licensed to use it.

What drove this in you. What was it that made you think this is important well when I was 30 years old I graduated from Bell seminary. As you mentioned Dave and and your dad by the way, was a prophet arrow.

Yes, he taught there for 60 years. Part of the institution should say loved every minute of the classroom. I would also say so he was definitely in the sweet spot of his giftedness there and we feel like your dad mentored.

We listen to everything that he would do affected. On the day on cassette tapes. Yeah, I bet there's thousands of people that feel like your love hearing that yeah well family life was absolute right of the center of his hard love.

He wed Dennis and Barbara and so many of the rest of you put together here so were so honored to be a part of this broadcast family of his amazing ministry and what were timeout that is at the heart of who we are as a ministry is how to develop disciples in our own home with their own kids so obviously this book is about this so answer that question. So how do I parent this child. Where would you start, you gotta start with the virtual conviction that that child has been handed to you by God. The dominant model of parenting. Our culture is the child is a product would you bring this baby home from the hospital say and now your job as parents is to do certain things, parenting, socializing, educating, etc. so that how this could turns out at age 22, 24 course turnout is very manufacturing short-term right how they turn out as a referendum on how well you did his parents. The problem is, the child is not a product the child as a person. Believe it or not, God has already determined the personhood of that child sovereignly gifted that child to be who they are and so right there in the waiting table is a little infant person. Your job as parents, then, is to bring the child home and to steward that infant person into the adult person that God intended them to be and that's really your task and so you have to start by realizing parenting is really about the child not about you. Well the other piece of that is that not only are you invited into this, but you're there on purpose as well. So not just that child has purpose, but you have purpose in being there. You've never perhaps the first time you've never been a parent before your thinking wow how to waive.

Indeed, this something about knowing this to is on purpose you with that child with everything you have and everything you don't have years supposed to be there just thinking as he said that I feel like that's really important for parents to hear because we can feel ill-equipped. We can compare ourselves to everyone else on Instagram, we can feel like were not enough and you're saying now God's hand selecting you to write parent of those children under your roof, whether their biological kids adopted kids kids from a blended family. These are the kids that God is selected and he's equipped you to do that right. In a sense this can only happen over time, a process, you and I can find a book that tells you the parent you are, because you've never been one before where the child that is because that one has never been here either.

So in a way that kinda invites you into this great mystery, but is on purpose. Yeah there's something bleeding this this is that you all by yourself doing this was also a string that you said because it's so often we think is apparent that we decide what were trying to raise that's where we start February parenting book right no perfect parents and we sort of said you know you need to know what bull's-eye or target you're shooting at. But you're saying. And of course that's important as well. But you're saying know it's sort determined by who God gave you God made this son or daughter to be right absolutely. My dad used to say if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time he said it all the time. I have no way have had to have co-opted someone but he has said that a lot. Okay so when my dad we have therefore in my family and he said to all of us. You guys are all to be college coaches, you're all going to be leaders.

Will that was all well intended however we were not leaders, not all of us.

I would have 1/4 twist on that one. Yeah, after doing giftedness with people for 20 years. I would say with all humility, I think we all have leadership in us through the gifts we lead with our gifts. If we understand that we enjoy being backstage just getting all the costumes lined up all the props ready for the performance. What happens if that didn't happen. It would be a failure. Say your leadership is behind-the-scenes and maybe a little more subtle so important. That's a great way to look at it. He wasn't intending to listen intently, thinking I'm going to make yet you naked hands absolutely and you're saying no already been formed in am.

I don't think your dad was doing that in a malevolent way he was doing it in terms of what made the most sense to him and how he was one of which is how most of us tend apparent.

What were saying in the book is you gotta resist the your child is not you. And so what makes perfect sense to you may not make sense at all for the child and maybe this is a good place to throw and what we even mean by giftedness. That's the term people throw around and talk about what is the simplest definition I can give you is gifted. This is what you are born to do. Everybody is born to do something one person. You look and you realize this person is born to solve a problem never met a problem that it will solve somebody else there born to understand something, a very deep level, somebody else there, born to gain a response from people and influence their behavior somebody else's born to see potential and then go make it happen. We we could be here all day talking about all the different forms of giftedness that there are there's only as many forms of giftedness as there are people because every single human being is uniquely designed by God and placed her for purpose that was so good, like I think that's really important for us to understand and to grass and I went to differentiate giftedness from talents. I'm just thinking of a parent who thinks well my kid is really good at athletics, you know that's there giftedness that's really not there giftedness.

That's a talent that they have that is put in like singing or something like that. Giftedness is how you do what you do. So it's like the shape of the tool or the design of the tool. So if we know what that tool is designed to do.

Then we know how to use it well.

So we don't use one tool for another. That's an itching clarification because I would think a giftedness would be a talent out there already. Well, to be great at sports but that was a talent in the giftedness was more what you sell.

I would want to know so somebody what is it about being that athlete that really gets you going. Is it a competitiveness that you want to win or is it being on the team. I love to be part of this team. Giftedness involves not simply ability, but also motivation says that over talk about so yes you see your son in sports, and then you say what was satisfying to you about that you discover is best for one person is the challenge of it for somebody else.

It's the team I love the team for somebody else.

It's about what when I am the best on the team. You can up the same sport but all kinds of different motivation and there is no wrong answer to that is the wrong answer. Like the person says I just want to be the best that's never actually been an okay we are absolutely we we don't place judgment. You can't place judgment on the core motivation now let me be clear. Every form of giftedness is inherently good.

Every form of giftedness has what we call a potential Darkside. So yes, certain forms of giftedness could predispose someone to be full of himself. American certain forms of giftedness could cause somebody who loves to meet needs to set things up to where everybody needs him and they can't function on their own.

Those are dark expressions of an inherently good gift for someone that wants to be the best can always be the best so they can at certain things and that's fine. But what happens if they get hurt and injured and they can no longer be that athlete so that that's a real struggle for them so that would be the kind of thing that we might work with them on, like where else could you use that well here looking at those things never go back to that hammer.

You talk about hearing the hammer in the book, which is interesting you guys explain outlets that mean will carry the hammer is never met a nail. He didn't want to pound on that's what he does but we don't want to use him for something that takes them another kind of the Nuance tool like a knife or something else that he would not be good at doing and so therefore if we try to make him we do that we can do that all day long and you might get a little better and it never love that he doesn't get energy from doing that he wants to pound a nail well and hear the hammer is in the parable where the hammer is the equivalent of a sense of what your dad was trying to do in giving advice to you as his children, give advice based on what makes sense to me. So here the hammer has a son called Larry the screwdriver and hear the hammer is determined to learn the screwdriver is going to be just as good a driving nails is here. The hammer is, but he never figures out that you know where the screwdriver wasn't born to drive nails and so he's not a very good male driver and he ends up fairly defeated, and if only hear the hammer and said, my son saw designed to drive nails, but he is dishonest drive screws. In fact, if I'll show them how to do that and find somebody to mentor Emma Madden given every education and that what he could be a world-class screwdriver. Now how do you convince parents to make that paradigm shift because we said earlier, a lot of parents are hearing the hammer and they want their son or daughter to be here in the hammer throw important to point out that they are trying to give them the best. What they know that works in their head and so they have a little kid and they think I can do this I can help them be their best is very well-intentioned yeah we see so many well-intentioned parents that are kind of doing damage to be on because what we see when we hear the stories that people tell our sometimes a person has been what we call scribbled on their something that wanted to be expressed but couldn't be talked about a cello player yet dad that was what with the daddy was like a businessman the lawyers. What a powerful man. You know he's in a high power job is like you could see in his eyes. The disappointment over his son, who wanted to play the cello for the fatherless, like we going to do that well and how you get to make money I have is disguised in a day trader so like this about, we get to do something here. That's not anything I mean if you might do that on the side that's one thing that that's my career sometime apparent listening well and I realize while I've sort of done that I've sort of tried to make my son or daughter how to get back and then be able to see the giftedness listening to Damon and Wilson with Bill Hendrix and Bev Hendrix, God be on family life will hear their response in just a minute, but first I wanted to let you know about how you as one family can make a difference. There is a community of heroes really called family life partners believe in our mission and give financially every month and thanks to some of those generous champions come alongside us as a ministry right now.

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You not only receive all the benefits of our partner program but your donation will be matched dollar for dollar for the next 12 months to help families strengthen their relationships with God and each other. That means if you give five dollars a month. The impact is actually the dollars you get the idea. And on top of that when you give this month as our thanks you will send you a bundle of resources including one by Gary Thomas called lifelong love and one by Kristin Clark and Stephanie Beale called not part of the plan will become a monthly partner if doubled every year impact families for the glory of Jesus get a bundle of books you can give right now. Family life.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F is in family L as in life and in the word today. Right now, back to David and Bill. We talk a lot about being curious and not critical. When this happens because you see something in the child that you don't affirm or recognize it's not in you and your thinking, doing, you can want to stomp it out of them that you don't really know what else to do, ask, what is it you love about this get curious finding Charles the child loves the data yeah let them tell you. Often times this comes up with teenage kids that are doing video guy was my kids playing video games for nine hours dated how do I affirm this right and that way you affirm it is by being curious, you can walk in and say hey I want to learn this the last still think that's hilarious that mom wants to actually do this and they don't mind because you can be terrible at it you have you sit down to get you hooked up and then they laugh, but you also now are having a conversation with the child. You have not had a conversation with for hours and often times it's just amazing you actually get better at it. They may ask you to come play with them sometime I mean now you got something that you can understand what they love about it and again, if you play with them, you are set up to say what you love so much about that is it doing this or this and bubbling. Now you're using actual things from the game subtleties you use your not looking at the game looking at the child. The person there's something about that activity that has engaged this person's energy and it's that energy that you're trying to discover and that's what you care about. That's what you care that's in the person and so again it may be the challenge of the game. It may be the competition of the game. It may be the middle strategy of how to why get advantage over these other players.

It may be the teamwork that's involved in the game, you don't know until you observe and let the child begin to both show you, and if possible tell you what is satisfying to the giftedness expresses itself best when an individual person chooses the activity and how the going to do it. Even that is apparent. That's gold right there to watch your kids what are they choosing to do. How are they planning to play alone always pay attention to the Energizer say the energy what grabs their attention and what you're learning in them is home for them. What you mean what you are affirming in them is what they instinctively naturally do and who they be as we put it in so you are affirming that by saying I care about that talk to me about that. Like all of a sudden I you have an entrance into their heart. We didn't have that before and so when you find that energy, power, generosity. How do you affirm that that is apparent what you do with that. When you celebrate it you ask about it. You show interest in it may be if it's something let's say they're a little younger and you know it's something like art.

You can say hey we could maybe get you some lessons on that with every fun for you but again, ask, don't assume like because sometimes we've seen kids his when they're older though, say everything I ever said I want to do. My parents were like so much energy behind it. It wouldn't mind anymore. That's really something to watch out for one thing, I encourage parents not to do is to give the master grade or score to everything the child does. That's a beautiful picture will now we've set up a ranking whether I've drawn a beautiful picture not much better to say what an interesting picture. I love the way you get lost in that activity.

When you draw pictures or are you better do great in that game today. I bet you well. Instead of have fun out there and can't wait to watch you give it your best units refer to this in your book, but Psalm 139 that that we of all read so many times but I think it's just good for our listeners to be reminded of how God made us and our kids.

Solomon said he made speaking of God. You God made all the delicate inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous how well I know it when a good reminder everything you're saying points back to Scripture that we have a loving creative God that knit us together and we as parents get to discover what that is in our kids would like to save it.

Giftedness is what we call incarnational truth argues that when God designs a human being. He takes some dimension of himself that he does in an infinite way. He fashions a human being to do that exact same thing only a finite way and for mysteries that we don't really understand. We serve a God who delights to see himself in human form means to be made in God's image and so when God designs your child as well as you. He's put into human form. A little picture of himself. So when you do this thing, whatever it is that you do or your child's doing that thing, whatever it is that they do.

God looks down and he sees a picture of himself in human form.

And he takes great delight about because he's the only person worthy of his own delight, but you get to share about delight your child gets sure about the light. When you do that thing whatever it is you feel a release of joy and delight and satisfaction. Some of our listeners will remember a movie called chariots of fire, and the main character Eric Lytle has a scene there where he takes his sister out for a walk and he says because he was supposed to go to China and he seems to be delaying the sisters upset about her nieces, Jenny Jenny God, maybe for China to go to China but God made me fast and when I run. I feel his pleasure so best expression of giftedness of ever heard God may be fast and when I run. I feel this pleasure. That's true for every human being.

God made me black and whatever's in that blank when I do that thing. I feel his pleasure envisioning parents after listening to the stepping back, looking at their children whatever age is just a drop in her jaw going to wonder if that's exactly what we want, that Steven and Wilson talking with Bill Hendrix and Bev Hendrix got on family life. You can get a copy of Bill and Bev's book.

So how do apparent this child discovering the wisdom and the wonder of who your child was meant to be that family life in a.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329 the 2000 prison family L as in life, and then the word today. If you know anyone who needs to hear today's conversation you can share it from wherever you get your podcast while you're there. It really help if you rate and review as well, not tomorrow. David and Wilson are going to be talking again with Bill and Bev as they wrestle with the question of how do we let go of this idea that we as parents are entirely responsible for the outcome of her children's lives. We may not emit the fact question, but we do and there to talk about this tomorrow.

We hope you can join us on behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see you back next time for another edition of family life today like today's production of family life crew helping you pursue the relationships that matter most