Bill Hendricks: How to Parent This Unique Child

One of the most important reasons for parents to discover their own giftedness they need their personal experience for themselves of waking up to the fact that there fearfully and wonderfully made.

If I'm awake and alive to that, it gives me much more hope as well as much more strength to get into the life of my child with confidence that there's a beautiful awesome amazing person here that I get the privilege to help them discover who that is. Welcome to family life. The day we want to help you pursue the relationship the matter mouth. I'm in real thing that I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us if family life today.com or on our family life at family life when my favorite things that we did together.

There is a playful mom had no go to football games. That was probably a awesome nine lies sitting around the table having conversation.

Oh yeah, you love this.

Okay you have any conversations. Oh yeah I mean by giftedness.

One year gifts is asking questions that draw out the soul of a person I don't like you like let's go somewhere with this conversation. One of the questions I asked that I wish to ask this when they were younger was I asked then at the dinner table. Tell me what you think about most of the time. Now they were teenagers size I go, I know everything, but it was fascinating to me because our oldest son said something I never expected you member this gift that I think about probably 90% of the time how things work like what never comes my mind ever. This is the IT kid yes sir firstborn yes and that was his gift. He is wired to understand how things work and by the way you're listening to a Bev Hendrix got be in the studio with her brother Bill, who wrote a book called, so how do I pair this out and right away. We've Artie talked for couple days about how you two study giftedness.

You even have a center for giftedness to help people understand their giftedness only get a conversation like this, Bev. This is what you guys do write you a bill every day, you sort a little like leaning in to help people understand who they are. I like to think about every day I get to sit on the holy ground of another person and hear what makes them unique and how did God put them together and then this world that's kind let me say holy ground you to our kindred spirit because were talking about that we are made in God's enemies live so this creator has made each of us and our kids and our friends, our family uniquely and Bill. How would you describe when you your subtitle is discovering the wisdom and the wonder of who your child was meant to be. You talk a lot about giftedness define what that is for us again. Again, giftedness in its simplest term is what you're born to do everybody's born to do something. Giftedness is a combination of ability that it is a real ability like you actually can do it but also motivation that drives the behavior they got to come together you can have motivation with no ability is what a man who'd love to throw football like Tom Brady right map of the building that felt he could throw it like Tom. I said a lot of good if I don't know this, but my job for 33 years was the chaplain of the Detroit go are not have the gift of helping teams win football games because we lost a lot but you're only a couple degrees of separation go like that and then you have people who have ability, but no motivation so you got to bring those together here but we discovered every person there is a set of behaviors with. That's exactly what's happening your son. For example, I will figure out how things work and then he goes and figures out how things work and is good and he does that again and again and again, which is its motivated behavior never tires of it.

In fact, Morty doesn't, the more he wants to do it because it's always so interesting that's exactly who he is and it's fine because we only thought it can be so interesting to see who he marries if he gets married in the first time we are having dinner is very tactile so were having dinner with his girlfriend and been dating while in our family is tactile so he's touching his plate is strong like playing with it and play with her straw and our younger son says Robin what you think the first time he went out to eat with CJ and he thinking this younger's brother is writing like a weird guy and she said I looked at him, I thought, he's the most fascinating person I've ever met in my life and would be great if we could see each other like how fascinating you want to go to this Institute, I want to go and learn everything but his parents were trying to discover that our kids do we need to discover that in ourselves first. Absolutely, absolutely. Sometimes we put parents side-by-side after they've both gone. Husband and wife and we look at the areas of relative complement in the areas of relative challenge. These are going to be challenging because you coming. It really two completely different angles on this. These will be things that you guys will just love doing together. But what so many couples have told me is this is the first time that the differences have been put in a positive way so that I can understand this is the door I need to go in and if I want her to pay attention or to bless him. Bill give us an example of what that looks like practically for couple yeah will the classic one is the partner whose goal oriented and also supply him like set the goal you plan work to the plan check off the goal and the murder somebody who's very conceptual and that person wants to deal with this concept solicit concept of pure European history, and so they go only to hang out with her for a while and then it becomes Italian cooking and I got to hang out with that for a while and then they get interested in some art form from some backwater you know part of the world. We never heard of them get into that. They just can't go on what we call an odyssey of conceptual Odyssey and their partners looking at going to get anywhere. Goals and the answers are not trying to get anywhere in the sky with her about their on this Odyssey. This conceptual Odyssey of exploring the world and just finding out what's out there and meanwhile the conceptual partner looks at the goal oriented person go on.

What a boring life that would be like waking up every morning already know what you're going to do just take me out and shoot me now what they need anything. You're the most fascinating thing right and let me help you plan a trip to do that will go do that together all like go with the way you're like saying you want to go but I will make the trip up and plan it out and when I get there. I want you to build a fire on the beach and tell me the story of this ruins that we have just kept yeah and what I hear you saying that takes a lot of maturity. Yes and humility to be on the look your spouse or even her friend is so different because we live in a culture even if you gone social media we attack each other's differences that usually doesn't happen in the first session, let's put this out. It takes a while for you very mean when he and I got married to me worth every couple has her thing. But she loved that I was laid back. I love that she got things done yet six months later and I will your life by getting things on your plate right could not was celebrated an indictment yeah this thing here. All girls and this is why parents should start with discovering your own giftedness because you are going to parent their own giftedness. Just as you will be a spouse through the lens of your own giftedness. You cannot not do it that way, you were born to live life a certain way, you will live into the roles of your life through that lens of your giftedness, so it helps to have some insight as to what that is so that you can do it well when you need to be doing it well and also did you understand when your child does things differently than you, which may irritate you or disappoint you or surprise you, or otherwise make you think this person's not doing it like I would do. It's human nature. When we get to that point we go what's wrong with you right in the answers builders nothing wrong with them. Just know you. I have so many examples of how I did this wrong I could.

I'm just listing them all and I had one of them was when our older son asked him to shovel the driveway in Michigan and it could be up to a foot deep and I thought as my personality had bent toward that's good, hard work, get out there and shovel that that's what you need to do well. I go outside. He has even started it speaking out there two hours heat up in the attic looking for this little snowblower. He's going to ask in order to snow blow this foot deep snow. And of course I like being lazy yes you being lazy.

You don't want to. It hard way, which was my way.

Instead he was thinking make this thing for Eddie did. He did when we truly are harder harder ride around letter before got easier for him that joy.

I think for teenagers, we get it eventually frustrated because we feel them pulling away. So, talk about how do we even begin when we may not even like they seem to be right now you're listening to Damon and Wilson with Bill Hendrix and Bev Hendrix got me on family life to day will hear their response in just a second, but first I want to let you know about how you as one family can make a difference.

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30 seconds late in his arms so I'm late. I have very important family matter that's genius. It is true that you're telling me that you don't like this child. There's things you don't like about them or your way To teenager you don't like tell me tells me that you have not been paying attention to what is right with this child something is right with this child because it's been written into them so you already know that that's not true, but you don't like them and I feel like as a parent. This is like an engraved invitation to figure out what is that other people would like about him or her to get a little bit of detachment sometimes helps me look at this child as if it was not my child or listen to someone else that really likes this child, what is it because I also find as a grandparent, that to watch these grandchildren and watch how the mother is reacting, which is how I would have reacted and now as a grandmother I have so much distance I can see it can see she just taken a lot of time here she's putting things in a bag and she's that person you know so I can honor it. One of the things you can do is a grandparent is often help your daughter or your son to see this and say you know noticed about it and give it again, a positive language that helps a lot. We just celebrated our oldest granddaughter seventh birthday and she was with us in Orlando and she went because she loves the idea of becoming a surfer because she watched the Bethany Hamilton movie the consul surfer soul surfer and she would always play like she had one arm because Bethany had her arm bitten off by a shark which I think she wants to be a surfer. We celebrate her birthday and everyone in the family. She has four kids and their family. Everyone spoke what they loved about Olive and Whitney thought she was good and it was interesting with Dave to watch her well light up in light of this conversation with Bill above, I hear the conversation differently than when I was there couple days ago because what almost all of us said to all of it at the dinner table, which was awesome.

I was at T Rex restaurant Disney entering cylinders reptile zero but almost all of us said anything Still right now, which I think is why she loves the movie and Bethany Hamilton story.

You are brave you try hard things and you don't quit even get on a surfboard. As a result she's done that in several areas of her life and that's what Bethany did. She's in overcome her settled in the end of her surfing career. She overcame and I'm sure that's why Olive whether she actually becomes a surfer not she loves the giftedness that's in Bethany that says I can overcome well and what you just described is what they call grit and resilience which they're saying how I like the best possible thing for a child to have so it's wonderful that you confirmed that in her rather than her successfulness is Godzilla better fruitfulness, not her success and we live in a society that very much firm's success and we work with a fair amount of parents who have children with disabilities. How did they receive giftedness. How did they figure that out. One story is in the book that we actually tell about a mother that I knew personally in her little girl is now 34, but sometimes it's not the story that you might want to be able to really believe that all of our children are God's goodness to us, believing that this there's something good in this child and on purpose is really so humbling to believe but these people teach us you know about our own children and what in Bethany Hamilton's mother probably could write a book on that as well. I do assess over click if you're a parent you get elicited teenager that's acting out right and you've seen this pattern won't you say that the parent is the best way to try and recapture this child become and who gumming to be, would you say start affirming their giftedness is that only I can speak to this personally because I had a daughter who was very oppositional during teenage years.

It was almost like having a borderline kid in the house all of a sudden, which of course they say that that age group sometimes looks real borderline like it's I hate you don't leave me kind of thing. I don't think I handled it well and I'm guessing there's a lot of parents that are listening there in that place and thinking I'm not handling this really well and I think to be able to step back and think I'm the adult and what I want to communicate is exactly what and was reading out of Psalm 139 your beautifully and wonderfully made, marvelously made, how do I recapture that you know and thinking I'm missing this in my own son or daughter so hot it be intentional about that.

Go back to paying attention again just like you did when they were young, M.

One of the most important reasons for parents to discover their own giftedness and we talk about how to do that in the book they need their personal experience for themselves of waking up to the fact that there fearful and wonderful but it's very difficult to help my teenage son or daughter you know that's really driving me nuts if I've never personally experience that for even me. I'm trying to help them somehow wake up to something that is still kind of a foreign category to me and I need to go back to that core is central like all the good truth about who we are just as well have been the truth about ourselves right or pathologies or stones or weaknesses or train wrecks. Most people are very much in touch with that. What they're not in touch with is what we call the good truth about who they are in the giftedness is very much a part of it. Good truth to wake up to the best of who God has made them to be. If I'm awake and alive to vet it gives me much more hope as well as much more strength to get into the life of my child with confidence that you know what, there's a beautiful awesome amazing person here that I get the privilege to help them discover who that is. Maybe it's about just go on watching them do what they love. Today like when they're out in the field playing soccer whatever and you're in the audience and maybe you don't go as much, but they don't even want you to go.

They say that you show up. Anyway, just as you want to be there or maybe write something to them instead of just speaking words you sometimes you have to be a lot go in another door, and the more that you're paying attention to them and what opens their heart. The better you are doing that. I remember when one of our sons as we would just were a lot alike. Actually, both can be pretty intense, and we would butt heads a little bit and so I remember saying to him. I feel like I'm bugging you. I feel like you're irritated by me. And so I'd really like and I said I think in pushing all your buttons because I get my feelings hurt and then we just kind of collide since I'd really love us to go out to lunch maybe every other Sunday just to reconnect the 90s kind of rolling his eyes a little bit which again hurt my feelings. I was such a good time. It gave me time to pray gave me time to really watch what he was good at his parents. We can start getting into a rhythm of seeing the negatives and brightening complaining critiquing and selling that lines by God's grace I could speak the greatness that I signed him from the time he was little. Some people would say he's bossy, you know, and I think we need to be careful that were you at play, so he likes to tell people what they should do what he would be out on the trampoline and everybody all of his friends would come into hey Cody, need to drink hey Cody, need to sweatshirt and I said where's Cody said well he just told us to do it and so that's what I and so I said to him like it's amazing the influence you have over your friends like when you say things people will do it. That's the gift of leadership. And so for me to call out the greatness that I saw in him.

It bonded and I saw my kiss. Would open up a little bit more and it would reconnect our hearts and invite a couple weeks more, we needed to do it again. Have you guys found that that one person that they want to affirm them his mom and dad. That's the two people that they really want. They want to be seen and known, and heard by those achievable. You also limit not only affirmed you made them responsible son, you have a leadership gift in you.

You call that out and you described it by doing that you only affirmed you.

Your delusional give it put them on notice when I tell people to do things that should do it to pay attention.

I'm responsible for total do the wrong thing. Oh yes, you saved the sermon that was so great. Try to make that into a teachable moment.

You could have just detonated the horse you and I would just add the and and husband and watching her with me and with our boys. I'm not exaggerating every room we walk into whether could be a lobby of a hotel. She will find somebody see their giftedness walk over to watch it a thousand times as a manager, really good. I just want you do this and it's so wishy-washy she's like a magnet there drawn to hurt nobody else matters. The giftedness what he saw it, she will think about it she's doing for them with their parents probably never get silly so I just saying that I just want to say that in what a great gift, but that's our calling. Absolutely you about this event. If I were the last couple days aside, that's what were supposed to do as parents and believers with our children. But even as a Christ follower with anyone wishing to really like to be able to be the voice of God. Soon I created you beautifully and we get the say that the somebody you are you are God's workmanship: God's home. God's majesty's masterpiece. If we could look in the mirror and believe that ourselves then we build communicate that to our kids, and others, absolutely. And I think sometimes this is the best way to take the things we did not get and make it into a positive and think I would never want anyone else to fill that way. Let me be this in a positive way for someone and it it's like God can use that brokenness to kind of make you flourish in that way.

That's good. You have helped a lot of people think you very much for being here.

Thank you every minute of it that Steven and Wilson talking with Bill Hendrix and Bev Hendrix Godby on family life today you can get a copy of Bill and Bev's book@familyliketoday.com it's called, so how do I parent this child discovering the wisdom and the wonder of who your child was meant to be. Again, you could find that a family life.

The day.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329 2000 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. If you know anyone who needs to hear today's conversation you can share it from where ever you get your podcasts and while you're there and really help us out if you rate and review us tomorrow.

Working here from our very own Dave Wilson about having a plan for our kids and asking ourselves the question what am I launching my child towards those kinds of questions about the future shape the way we parents today and I hope you can join us on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott. See you back next time for another edition of family life today, family life, today's the production of accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most