David Robbins: A Leader at Home: Where Do I start?

I think a lot of us, as men have a hard time leaning into really being the leader we want to be because we get paralyzed we get these expectations on ourselves, or maybe a spouse or or somebody else or a comparison to another guy that just as hyper, disciplined, I'm not hyper categories in the box checked list everywhere. I'm not that extra, categorized, organized person. Sometimes if you're not that hyper checklist dad or me and you end up getting paralyzed and subconsciously you think you gotta get your stuff altogether in order to lead the family and pointing to Jesus.

But that's not the gospel of I'm capable. Having all my stuff together and be imperfect, then Jesus wouldn't have to come to take that place on the cross for us. But it's out of that place. The good news of Jesus that presupposes I don't bring much to the table and I need his grace, desperately, that allows me to go okay Lord, how to widen the way I'm uniquely wired. Step into that in the way I'm wired to do so. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and will and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find his way we live today.com or on our family life and family life. I must talk about one of the major disappointments in our marriage. I don't even know know how you are so disappointed in me in an area of our marriage that you told me many times, so you mean the one where I compared you to Dennis me over and over again.

At least that's how I remember it was until leader I was, as the spiritual leader in our home that Dennis was in his home, at least according to Ann Wilson. I thought I was pretty good but yeah I am sorry for that is pretty bad because I have this picture of what ungodly spiritual leader would do in their home and so this is the bad part that we can do in marriages.

I had expectations of what you should do and then when you didn't measure up. I'm like you would say Dennis wouldn't do it that way or Dennis and I don't now that I'm in there.

There was this image even in my mind that I think a lot of husbands and a lot of dads. I'm sure wives and moms struggle with anything exactly but it's like I felt like I wasn't measuring up to some standard that I didn't even know what it look like in your vision was a little bit different than my vision and so today let's talk about what would spiritual direction look like in a home in a marriage and parenting and so we got the guy in the studio. This can answer this question for us and excited that we had David Robbins present family life coming in here I thought I Dave you brought me in a person that really knows about what comparison it is raining the same seat that he said he felt that sure absolutely and there's really a phantom that begins to get on your shoulder and I think you know can get on a lot of men shoulder as they think about leaving the home, but certainly having springs that in leading family life where you have had to have strong mentors and your members on her board like Crawford were written same like look God called you ride the horse God gave you. You fill the role.

Not the shoes you know that I've needed those moments of people speaking truth certainly have felt that right there. Crawford's words are what Anna and I and I had to figure out over 40+ years of marriage that I'm not Dennis and that's a good thing you know it and you're not Dennis. I mean it again. Dennis would if he could walk in right now, I'd say I wasn't as perfect as any of you think you know was very exaggerated, but were supposed to be who we are and essay was totally guilty of having not only expectations that I made assumptions to that you would act a certain way, do certain things and this is the bad part that I feel like I'm guilty of. I thought you were less spiritual, because it didn't look a certain way and I think it's easy to do that in marriage when we have expectations of what a spouse to do and they don't measure up or disappointed you and you know we sort of joked earlier, but I felt that I mean everyone's well and would say it but I just felt like I was not meeting her expectations. So David talk about that mean you're been married how many years almost 20 years, and on its ear like a big deal. It's a big deal. We had plans to go back overseas for anniversary and with COBIT were menopause him, but full will do what we need to do at some point it'll be fun and how my kids.

We have four kids so lifting the five you're busy you are at the orthodontist this morning. That's right, we push back this time. Thank you dad she needed. The next step.

I didn't know it would take 45 minutes instead of 30 so you know, flexing mags away right now should love to be in here for this conversation, that's for sure she's away helping her mom so in Memphis so here I am by myself. Hello you be doing ibuprofen tonight for her because I've had races.

They are, they are sore to say the least.

Anyway, talk about spiritual leadership, spiritual direction in your home as a husband and is it that. Have you felt like a weight like I felt like I think a lot of men and women feel you. I think a lot of us, as men have a hard time leaning into really being the leader we want to be because we get paralyzed we get these expectations on ourselves, or maybe a spouse or or somebody else or a comparison to another guy that justice hyper disciplined.

I'm not hyper categories in the box checklist everywhere. I'm not that extra, categorized, organized person.

When I weight you.

You seem like you are, don't you think that man is like you got is not.

He's better than me at that. I think he is and you have the appearance of being all that David that I do you know your artistic that's right so your creative side and there's a fact that in the home makes personality carries part of the weight which she is hyper adaptable makes no list ever unless it's me on a Sunday afternoon going we gotta get a big sticky note out to make a list of our chores for the kids so they can come check it off or it will never get done.

You know, so it comes in every now and then but our personality together makes her home really adaptable, but that sometimes if you're not that hyper checklist dad or her man, you end up getting paralyzed and subconsciously you think you gotta get your stuff altogether in order to lead the family and pointing to Jesus.

But that's not the gospel at all will only ask in a safe. Have you ever felt from Meg any pressure like I felt for me. Sure, I mean just this month.

There is no hate.

We got two and half years left with her 15-year-old you know it and I see breakfast with Ford every Thursday on your calendar but were skipping a lot these days and that's an appropriate challenge she's seeking to set me up to lead. Yet, you better believe my initial responses to, shrink back and I have to go through my own process of okay that's that's not the gospel of I'm capable. Having all my stuff together and be imperfect, then Jesus wouldn't have to come to take that place on the cross for us. But it's out of that place. The good news of Jesus that presupposes I don't bring much to the table and I need his grace, desperately, that allows me to go okay Lord is there some truth in what makes San and how to widen the way I'm uniquely wired height begin to lead forward.

We got 2 1/2 years left with them less step into that in the way I'm wired to do so. So when you think about spiritual leadership in leading Ford are leading Meg leading your home. How do you approach it. What you know what comes your Mike is there's a there's a sense of its weighty yellow things we teach at the weekend.

Remember his first Corinthians 11. I'll read it to you know we teach this, but I want to understand that the head of every man is Christ and that's no problem blank yes I bow to that I submitted at the head of of the wife is her husband and the head of Christ is God, so there's this aspect that we carry this weight of some the head of my wife which and again there's interpretations that that could mean source you know that we come from Christ our wife come from it or it could mean that we are supposed to lead and there's a sense that we carry this only goodness it's on me to lead her and to lead our sons. Not that it is in on them. It's on them as well. But there's that sense that there needs to be some leadership in the home were called by God to do that so again, how would you say it looks to you to be the leader I mean we can get really practical in just a minute and we can all share the way it looks for each one of us differently since wired differently.

But first and foremost, and I don't mean to oversimplify it but I really believe with all my heart soul mind that this is where reason and has to stay is that it roots in our own encounter with Jesus as a man, like that's it for remote love our wife and our and our kids and serve them sacrificially like Christ has loved his church and loved us, then not only does that mean dying daily and really that's that's the call we get to dyed ourselves daily. That's ultimate part of leading. But we actually have to keep following loving Jesus over and over again and is he relentlessly pursues us out of experiencing that we can relentlessly pursue and lead our lives and our and our kids in our family and there's no secret formulas. There's no hidden tactics. There's sure there's good suggestions and tips and those are tangible and in their good and they meet us in seasons which are helpful because we all know adult kids are different than toddlers.

And there's real practical tips we need. Ultimately though, it is about our own encounter with Jesus and I remember learning this kind of in my face, and God bringing to me to my knees when we were in Italy serving together, Megan. I have been married for three years and it was the first place where my world just kinda collapsed like I was just languishing when Meg was flourishing in this culture that was very different. She was adaptable and go with the flow. I was pretty uptight especially I didn't know the language. I was languishing in a Michael how do I even lead in this you know our home in this space and in a bowl down to David.

It's about you not just being a believer of God, but a lover of God because lovers are going to show and tell the things I love. I love sports.

In particular, my alma mater almost sports. I can't help but pass that down and talk about. We were just talking about it because it's in me and I love it and I can't help but experience it won't other people to experience and in the same way is that my current experience with Jesus not just that I'm a believer of him, but that I'm right now in the present tense way, experiencing him and able to pass that on and so sometimes it's, simple. I think what leadership looks like is to what extent am I experiencing Jesus in a present tense ongoing way because when we do we become lovers, not just believers of Jesus and we pass it on and we pass it on because were able to to talk about it as fresh bread honey just hit this because I love what you're saying David and every woman that the listener is saying yes yes and amen. I long for this to my husband but my husband's not there, you know, maybe he's chasing his career.

Maybe he isn't interested in the church staying in the God thing. And she's longing for this. Some guy just far practical.

Second, how do we encourage our husbands because let's just be honest as women we file put the book there. We follow that on. Can I send this podcast or you know make sure my husband listens to this is that motivating you know what our best you're listening to David and Wilson with family life president David Robbins on family life.

The day bring here. Both Dave and David's answers to answer question in just a minute. The first if this topic has brought about deeper thoughts about fatherhood, or if any of the topics here on family life to have touched you. Would you consider joining in our mission for godly homes. We can only continue to bring content like today's topic because of our dedicated financial partners and with that said Father's Day is coming up this weekend. Yorty knew that right, and we wanted to send you a copy of Brian Larissa's book called the dad difference.

The four most important gifts you can give your kids it's our gift to you. When you make a donation of any amount this week to support the work of family life to you can give securely online@familyliketoday.com or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-3583 29 be a one-time gift or a recurring monthly gift. Again the number is 800 F peasant family L as in life and in the word today. Right now, back to Dave Wilson answering Anne's question about what a wife can do to encourage her husband to lease. Well David looking at me to answer that would I there's a lot answer you know there earlier but I think what I experience in our marriage and I've said this many times. Here we wrote about it in vertical marriage was when you critiqued me and said I wish you were more this or I wish you'd do more this or do less of this. It demotivated me you were thinking it was motivating me.

I found myself pulling back rather than jumping forward.

And then when you started affirming who I was and where I was and thanking me. I wanted to run faster. It was like all and again that didn't happen one day.

It took months and maybe even years, but as you begin a sweet phrase that you stop billing me and started cheering me.

Something happened in the sole of me that I think happens in a lot of men is when they feel respected and affirmed they do better. Some that are really motivated by critique. You know my buddy Robin VI just tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'm not that way and a lot of men are like me, when you affirm what I do. It's like I want to do better and so when I heard you start to say you are a good man. A member you said you're a good leader of this hall and Mike at first I was like no, not you never told me that before actually heaved only the opposite. But I started hearing you say that, consistently, and you were just lying you are actually looking for things I was doing well. I was like all good leader. I would be a better leader again so that help me motivate me, but what David said I think is the key is it's gotta be an overflow because every guys like me as I tell me what to do. You know, I don't think I'm really good at like leaving my family in the Bible.

So how do I do that that's that's wrong question. That's where we go. The question is made. If you follow Jesus you be a leader everywhere you go you will be overflowing that in the office.

If your pastor whatever you we overflow that in the family room. It's just gonna be and you know we wrote in our book.

No perfect parents a way to lead teenagers spiritually is monolith when they see dad and mom on fire as a 1516-year-old it's hard to deny that you can have your little Bible says do whatever you want but if you're live in, and they see you in the word apprentice not like I'm doing this to show them is an overflow who I am, that's motivating, so any guy listen to Sagan, then I'm not measuring up. I said get on your knees surrender and say Jesus do a work in the Empire. What you gotta do the work.

You gotta get in the gym and you get a pump, the weights if you want to see your body physically changes you to work USB spiritual work. Same thing up succumbing to get in there and start you doing the workouts God's going to meet you and start changing yet that's can flow in your family room that's going well the first thing again. My mind is, it was a peculiar place because when I heard your question ago ultimate strongman has a soft heart for the things of God but a woman cannot create a soft heart to me as you went there you like okay that cultivated the space yeah you want that needy but yet to get those words from your wife actually cultivated a safe space trip for you to go okay Lord I will start depending upon you for more I can do this in the same way. I just think about you know Meg when she has had to come in and desire more leadership from me when you the seasons and times were it's not everything she wants it to be. I know one of the first thing she does is just start praying for the Holy Spirit to do work that she can't do and sometimes I'm so hardened she has to really come in with some stronger words and I've needed her stronger words at times and there are place for strong words yet, I know, and I trust in her that she before there's no strong words that she comes to me with. She has gone to the Lord. Over and over, beseeching him for the Holy Spirit to till the ground in my life that's hard and I came across this quote this morning.

I've not seen this quote forever, but it kinda relates. It's by Dan Allender and I think the firm man that especially a man that a woman's wanting to see more leadership out of you gotta help create safe spaces for him to dive into his weakness.

Because here's a quote this by Dan Allender to the degree that you face and name and deal with your failures and wounds to that same extent you will create an environment around you conducive to growing and retaining deep family and work relationships i.e. spiritual leadership. But here's the thing.

The strange paradoxes to the degree you attempt to hide or disassemble your weakness. The more you will need to control the more insecure you become and the more rigidity you will impose so many times is men that's what we end up doing. We get insecure and then we just go for what feels easy. A checklist we least feel good about ourselves, but it's not actually cultivating spiritual leadership in the home that they really honors that really cherishes that really leads and a woman has a huge role in providing the safety for man to go to those areas where he feels weakness that's required for him to go to and experience Jesus and in order to lead from strength out of I think we as women have so much influence in our homes and over husband and especially raising three sons and being married Dave like 40 years I've realized that I sent insecure, especially in this tell the world. I know you guys your dog by your guy. Now women are insecure tingling, so I think we all cover that up as your Saint David we can mask it.

We can make it look like something else and so in our marriage when we can go to that in an empathetic way of just being a safe place, as you're staying to give our guys like even saying to her husband tonight and use your spiritual leadership to become the spiritual leader back to me, that would be intimidating to me. Do you feel that is not intimidating to you asked the question would be a great place know what I love what you just did there with that question because it's it's such an easy step, and it provides a measure of safety and obviously every relationship to the different place. A man may not be ready to respond well to that yet but it's a great place to start with what you did was not come in with a punch of accountability you really gave okay I want access into your heart.

Mike was it feel like the difference between accountability, which is good and necessary, but then access. What a woman really wants what their kids really want from a man is a man who will give them access to their heart and the places Jesus is meeting them in their heart in the same way. It's not just being authentic and transparent about things in the past and that's it, defines transparency you're willing to be honest about things in the past but what about what's vulnerable.

The things that are currently happening. Things that don't have a bow tied up on it. That's where man a lot of times needs a woman to to enter into that space and hold it with him because that vulnerability is sometimes and leads to the insecurity that prevents him and paralyzes him from stepping out and leaving and so I love what you do there because you you held the space and in the tension and get access into his heart and one of things I think I know I missed and I think a lot of men miss.

I think women actually get it better than we do as men I know make in generalities there but is we think we need to be strong. We think leadership is strength, and even the announcers quote and I think Paul's words in the New Testament are our strength is when were weak and I think our wives long for us to be like you said David vulnerable and weak and we think not want to go there.

That's not leadership. Actually, it really is when your will and even his Dan says if you haven't dealt with your stuff, you know, you hide it you covered up but when you're vulnerable enough before God in your your wife and even maybe your kids essay I struggle and I'm weak and I've got some things in my life that I'm managing but it's hard and I've done it a couple times with my sons look them in the eye and said I tell you where I'm struggling in you. I didn't even realize it at the moment, but that was leading and they were like drawn in while dad's a man like me he's be an ever honorable, but he's got a crises meaning there you go. I'm gonna go on this journey with them and your wife is going same place and so I would say that to the dad of the husband listened men put away the strong man. I'm not that you're strong in Christ because you are but allow the weakness to be revealed in your home to your wife. Maybe in a vulnerable moment.

Maybe even to your sons or daughters trust me that spiritual leadership. They will follow that to the ends of the age, yet his power is made perfect in our weakness in this diverse you're quoting and that's how it is in's and there's that reality of we usher in God's power and his glory when we go into that sacred space and allow him to fill it.

It was not just exposing it to expose it is it's going to that place together knowing your secure enough to end strong enough to be able to to let it be known and then his power comes in real strength comes in and our home experiences the power of Jesus today in our lives. That's good stuff. I remember I should grab the guitar and sing it but I remember what year it was but a song had this line in it. If you see me on my knees. It's not because I'm weak. I'm getting stronger and it's that picture David you just said the best picture tonight a spiritual leadership in your home get on your knees and ask God for his strength to meet your rate there and he'll make his leader and be this evening Wilson with the president of family life David Robbins on family life to a if you know anyone who needs to hear today's conversation you can share it from where ever you get your podcast while you're there.

It really help us out if you'd rate and review us tomorrow.

Dave and Anna are going to be joined again by family life president David Robbins and there is good to be talking about when it comes to leadership in the home. It's not always a strength. Sometimes the weakness that's tomorrow. I hope you join us on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm shall be added will see you back next time for another edition of family life to family life. Today's a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most