Kay Wyma: Help Me Be a Peaceful Parent (Like, Now)

Even want to talk about the hard stuff. We lived through only because it might make people compare and, she has every right to be sad will study you in whatever thing is going on in your life for me and this is just as we have found that living life honestly next to each other, has been the most helpful thing. Welcome to family life is a help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson you can find his life today.com or on our family life, family life today. Thank you talk about quite often is that I enjoy football. Besides that, yes football for sure he stayed like she so joyful and honestly sometimes I'm surprised by that because I don't see you are surprised, yet I am surprised like we are your number one strength finder number two number two gatherings number one stray funders is wrong on right. What are they know from a test but is positivity. Yet it all I know is I'm not saying you know you're like perfectly positive, but you are generally positive, no used to be all I knows a couple months ago you had a day where you were positive and I felt like I can't function.

My wife is a positive.

I fall apart, it was like II realize while you are such a source of strength for me because you bring an optimism in a positivity and when that was lacking that this is like wow I want that a need that so much from you when I was house to you somewhere you are saying all that violate it was really nice if you think it bugged our kids though when they became teenagers welding solicited it is like mom, could you just empathize with my pain rather than just tell me to be okay.

Yes and that was really hard actually were still in conversation about that yet because I'm always jumping to but God, and sometimes I wasn't good at sitting in their pain with them and I'm still learning how to do that because I hate seeing our kids in pain though I was talking about how we got K-1 back in the studio with us today. Welcome back to family life. Thanks so much.

I love having you with that is so fun being with you guys because that is when bear of a topic because watching someone in pain is so hard. Obviously you've written a book called the peace project is a 30 day experiment of being thankful and choosing kindness and practicing mercy, but I could tell, even as your talk at lunch and then reading through your book you've gone through hard times and we all have the last couple years and you have five kids and most of them are adults. Yes, and you have a 14-year-old having married over 25 years now so you went through some pain with definitely lived through seasons of extreme hardship. Yeah.

So, talk about what we are just about how you choose something positivity lines even try to lead that and model that is apparently so I think I'm so glad that you said positivity because it's got a go deeper than that because if it is the positivity that I'm in trouble because then it's going to sound like they have to feel good all the time and that's can leave them flat me to quite frankly, because there are legitimate and sad days. We test same man we've had some sad days really really sad but hope rains eternal.

And that's the key. And it's not that you're glossing over now. He never, I think that's the difference right if you're faking positivity by just wanting it so badly. You can't hurt. Yet the truth is, this world is full of hurt and full of not great things that happen to have really great people.

We talked about that too. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. I mean there's just it's not always an A+ B equals C. It just isn't seen on the world's economy. It's it is like if you do this, then you get this and that's what we strive for because we live in this world. And so it's all been said if I do these things.

My kids will have this GPA. If I do the things that get on the team and I know that your kids haven't made the team, or gotten the part they wanted or been left out of a party are all these kinds of things that would trip. If we really buy into that ideology that I'm handing a whole lot over to an outcome, time, and these are human beings and their worth a lot more than handing them over to stuff like that.

Oh yeah, why does Solomon say that we can live all the stuff with joy because joy is in circumstantial justice sent and when hope rains eternal. It is the person of hope that has defeated everything and so for me personally. I have lived a lot.

I've lived calling out the name Jehovah Sabbath which is Lord of all the seen and the unseen, especially in a carpool line because there's a lot going on there's times going down in that world in a middle school or in school or whatever that is unseen and we know how bad that can hurt and to be able to put it in the place of the one who all of that bowels to that changes things, so that when that kid gets in the car. That stuff is real and it's legit. But it doesn't own them.

So what's that like we talked earlier about how you started this 30 page yeah I brought your kid said yeah and so let's say you know your practicing thankfulness right and you had a middle school or that climbs in the car just terrible day. Yes, I might have done that and got our first day actually because I think that the kindness might be hard. I knew that kid, the middle school, or had no clue what mercy was, because I'm not sure I did either but I was like this. He gets in the car. I put his little notebook. I made notebooks for each one of them if they wanted it with a little T KM on it practicing thankfulness, kindness and mercy every day I put the middle schoolers in the car console because I thought it be funny not to get to talk to the saying of the car.

Yeah, I told you last time I Pollyanna and that's just proved it because I don't live in reality because do that I do that after long sleep with their mother's gross gross myself like I would not want to be you car. I promptly pull out his little notebook dressed similarly. I'm an address right now and which I normally don't where all I do every day and I really don't. I'm gullible the car and I like to be thankful for. Looks to me is nothing like nothing and he was got is not one thing, and I just was like let me tell you, for me, I like just come from a funeral a family here. I am not in the day before I'd been in a different funeral mine who had cancer and cannot believe I went there but I did. I'm watching my child tear up because he's like, which I think this is him live full and he looks at me and he goes, I just want you to know that the one thing I'm afraid of his life without you and I just was like proved to be apologizing, as were all like literally bumping onto this road, so this isn't an experiment is like the golden things that happen all the time. I mean it's just real. It's sort of like we didn't know what we were doing. It sounded like a great idea because we had walked to some stuff that proved to us that when you practice these things, thankfulness, kindness and mercy bodes well for you but we know what we were doing and so that wasn't the just a beautiful highlight.

However, as is so often the case meeting. Honestly, where I was like that was wrong. I was wrong to do that.

I am so sorry for me to give myself a break. I really am sad I'm sad because I'm sad for what's happened I shouldn't of like brought it out on that kid that he meets me thereto, and that he hilariously is finding something to be grateful for is relieving but just in these real moments and for me, and this is just us. We have found that living life honestly next to each other, has been the most helpful thing even want to talk about the hard stuff. We lived through only because it might make people compare and go will she has every right to be sad will. So do you and whatever thing is going on in your life. There are hard things and to be able to openly, honestly meet these and live next to each other, not in shame I hate shame shame these things that are aren't a part of heaven.

Please let them not be a part here of the woods. The could the shoulds we you know those need to leave and so we walked that with each other with the kids. I'm thinking how to listen or do you that haven't really done anything like this before and there listening and maybe their thinking. Do this yes and so do they say you're sitting yeah maybe they have elementary to high school while at that conversation look like. Let's try.

Will you try this is something I want to try.

I think it really will help you and here's how it helps so that when you're going down the hall and you feel like in the school which are big and everybody's watching out for themselves because it is fight for yourself you know people's lives depend on it. Really they feel like that their social lives, their friendships and the everyone's looking at them. They had this feeling like everyone's looking at me.

One of the greatest ways to dial that one down.

It's actually look at somebody else in a way that is in comparison, but that in a way that's complementary to be able to walk alongside someone instead of against somebody yes you may be the only one doing it really feel that it puts into your tank is significant and it can.

That sounds a bit Pollyanna-ish but it's true. It is true because might do it in their human beings in the middle of some pretty scary places you know at the cafeteria inviting someone to sit with you will be social suicide. This is a human being that so desires to be seen and to be known just to have their name spoken just speak somebody's name to someone listening is one of the biggest acts of kindness that we can ever do listening to hear and to be a will to practice that myself so that I'm listening to my kids hearing them rather than formulating an argument or what I'm gonna say next.

Actually what it does is it makes them like a human being of worth okay and you guys at dinner time. What you talk about how you demonstrated it or how it was hard.

When did that look like I dinner time probably set the bar low for everybody good. We don't normally sit down at the table together. There is periods that we did do that but as our kids got older that wasn't really possible and so our dinnertime can often look like we just on the couch.

As you know, so I talked to them whenever I can take whatever opportune moment yeah and and when, years ago I quit carpooling with people I just decided that those moments of being able to talk to kids, especially boys were so rich that I never cared. If they didn't speak, but I did money bails in the car that was not in our family just for those times we did the same family vacations.

We stopped having their friends for a while.

It seems selfish but really there's three has the deepest conversations that made it really have all yeah and there's about being in the car to and you're not looking at each other so good stuff can happen in the car. Silence might happen in the car you're sitting next to each other you know you're in the same space, so there's something good happening. No matter what super inconvenient for me that I have for years worked everything around this carpal time so that I can have those to be just exclusively for them and that may not be what everybody does choose a few times to be able to just simply be in the car with your kids. You can say something or not say so because it doesn't always have to be a teaching quote teaching time. You know, just listen to them. Ask open-ended questions. What did you think about this without telling them what they think and that younger you can start doing that. The more they start formulating their own thoughts and again it's re-humanizing because most of the things in their worlds are objectifying them.

It comes with grades. It comes with teams that comes with like where you are on the latter. Those are just part of life here, but does make a person, an object because it's like if I have an AM okay if I have enough I'm not okay you know whatever those things are and so anything we can do to re-humanize these amazing people that are next to us that are yours because you can love them really well like better than anybody. So do it because they just want to be loved, and they want to be seen and known. And guess what you do love them all the stuff because we love them, spend time with them and like him to because they're amazing people. One of the things that we did to you is I was had food on the island. Yeah when they were coming home because kids just congregate to food that's there sitting around just eating I would just ask some open-ended questions about like the other day at school and a lot of times boys when answer that side kind have to go incognito and some other kind of thing before I went there but I just like to hear how their heart was doing yeah idea of getting their eyes on somebody else and that mercy aspect in the kindness we just did it. I was with our grandson Christmas to you and I said I grabbed Bryce I clicked look around.

This is what I said to start so early, so it can look around and see Jesus who would benefit from this $20 bill today. I told you she's a given string. We are at your pulling back to the story so I decide to TC anybody and then this man was walking by and he bumped into both of us. And so I whispered. So I said excuse me, we just wanted you to and this little two-year-old he sticks out his hand and he said this man this money and down the skies like to do the main thing. Thank you.

I just thought it's never too early to start praying and I love that you brought that up. I had one of the gals I don't have young children anymore, but I had a reader that has reached out to me on more than one occasion because her daughter has been so impacted by this book and even going to soccer practice as she shared a story about how the days had been tough because her best friend was talking to her anymore and it was getting very uncomfortable and so they had started reading this book together.

She and her little daughter homeless yeah now she's probably seven or eight not very old at all and so she text me.

She said my daughter just got out of the car and when she did she got out with a different attitude than she had the days before because for a second she started to think about the why. Like why is my friend not treating me very nicely and she realized that there was stuff that was hard. That was going on in her life and so she took that moment to move it to compassion, instead of doing what we do. It is are likely to treat me that way I treat you this way and it shifted her and that was a little child like really sort of like what should we do this stuff because it can change a generation want to know how to be able to have a Congress that speaks to each other like kindly and nicely with respect start grooming it from the very young age, and by the way, it makes feel good. It's not like do this do this do this they're doing it because it makes them feel better, which is where I hope that we get like to where it's just a reflex to be able to instantly go to compassion just in that I have no idea what's going on in that person's life or to the compassion with the people are close to us. You kinda do know what's going on in their life that you don't like them being mean to you will be able again go from a place of wholeness, which is what this mother was doing for that child.

Let me remind you whose you are who you are and who he says you are so that she could even get out of the car and not have it be some over spiritual thing but just be able to be nice to this little girl that had kinda been mean mean to her because she was so hurt because we know that phrase hurt people hurt people.

But again, this isn't a call to be a victim. This is a call to come from a place of victory was, or soon will stories you tell never forget. Never heard you tell it as you read.

It was when you pull up.

I think to intersection as a homeless guy asking for that David and Wilson with KY Ma on family life today K's response in just a second. The first don't know if you have kids like I do, but don't miss this tip as your kids are getting older. Keep them talking you want to be the go to person for the hard stuff with your kids so pry open the conversations that matter and we've got your back with a resource called passport to purity the weekend just for you and your preteen to talk about things like body changes, peer pressure, dating. If you have teens passport to identity can help your son or daughter learn how to make their faith, their own uncover their calling and take responsibility will make the talk easier and low prep so you can focus on showing up for your son or daughter and their future. Start the conversation with passport to purity, or for teens passport to identity today's the last day to get 25% off using the code passport family life.com back to Dave and Anne's conversation with KY Ma in a time when a homeless person did something totally unexpected and an intersection.

I sat we've had some periods of really hard day's and a lot of them involving our kids who I really love and I really like him. I like them. They're great people and I was sitting there with one of mine is very very hurt. He's had some stuff that has just not been great that he's on the other side of that as far as on the other side he was on the receiving end of things that were not good and we had been in the car he was in the car with me. He wasn't saying anything so happy to have them sitting next to me. We pull up to an intersection and it was during coveted times and people really are legit. Having a hard time people still are having a hard time even though were glossing over it, making it look like it's nothing inside just below the surface there is hard stuff going on in people's lives. We pull up and there somebody standing there that was asking for money and at that. I really did, I'm like you, and I was like, what if we got what food do we have. I rolled down the window unlike anything we've got is yours. I didn't have anything. I didn't have much. I think I had a five dollar bill or maybe a bottle water. It just wasn't much. Whatever it was, and handed it to him and I asked him his name and his name was Tuan and I just said to line you know this is all we've got. I saw in a know that I see you and I'm sorry for what's going on. And the Lord loves you and he looked at me and he said what is your name, which I've never had that happen before and I was side will my name is Kay and he said do you mind if I pray for you right there in the intersection. He prayed for me and he prayed for all that was going on in our lives, that he might not know about and I was so moved by it.

I didn't even know what to say. I sit there because right there with this like it was like a piece of heaven was occurring right there in an intersection with two people from very clearly different backgrounds different situations going on in our lives, but coming together in this way, that was so beautiful and rich and powerful that I just would have expected in an intersection and and so I rolled up the window and I sat there with my son and I just was. I was fluent by it. And so to one as he's waving us by and I don't know what that did for him, but it certainly did so much for me because what I needed.

That day was that prayer that he prayed over me. That's what I needed and if our little some things that we gave him was something that he needed what a beautiful way to have two people be able to connect with each other and I think that such a big part of all of this. It's connectedness. It's really humanizing because one thing about people where the amount of debt where the part of creation that is created in his image in the Lord God's image.

That's a lot of people of great worth, that are walking around beside us dear we see each other that way and treat each other that way as soon as your nuclear story occurs to me earth like in some sense you hear the store and you think you're going to be a blessing to Tuan and he ends up being a blessing to you and if anybody probably could've been ungrateful with him standing there. Yeah, needing a handout from somebody and somehow he's choosing know in the world that he's choosing thankfulness. He practiced your project practice guy just immersing it brought dignity into everything, and the situation was dignity.

That's what the father does, yeah, he always lifts us up and gives us dignity and I think that's that's remarkable.

I'm house crying is you're telling it just because we get to do that as Jesus followers and his children. As we get loved us and we need each other. We do we really do those reading your book and talking to is I want to look up. I want to look around. It could be a stranger intersection.

It could be my sons and daughters. It could be a neighbor there around me to be seen by me and you said earlier, I get to love the for Christ. Christ is gonna love them through me and I can do it from a grateful kind and merciful it will happen, but if I can allow his power to fill me. It will overflow literally into my cul-de-sac. My family room which is such a mysterious and weird thing to say it is.

You know like what is that even mean I don't know, but you get to live it and maybe there are things we can't put words on and I feel like that's one of them is what is it mean for Christ to live through you, what is it mean to be his hands and feet. It's unbelievable when it is and that's where I think it's the soul you been listening to Dave and and with KY Ma on family life to the book is called the peace project a 30 day experiment practicing thankfulness, kindness and mercy will send you a copy is our thanks when you partner with us by giving@familylifetoa.com. Now I've got the president of family life David Robbins here and you know we really need partners in order to see this ministry happen is people who make it possible is not right.

David guy just wanted take a moment and thank those who give generously every month to help family life today and so many other outreaches of family life like website articles and we can remember getaways in our global ministry thrive. I recently heard from a couple and the wife told me they been married 25 years and she said we were on the fence.

We almost didn't come to the we can get away but we were ready to take a break after 25 years of marriage. This weekend was a godsend. God is using your ministry to heal and mend praise God for you and I just want to say as we hear that comment I want to thank you. Praise God for you. Those of you who are partnering with us and helping one home at a time. Grow closer to Jesus. Yeah, thanks so much for making this ministry a possibility and a reality. We appreciate you again when you partner with us working to send you a copy of KY must book the peace project as our thank you. You can do that it family life to a.com or by calling 800-358-6329.

That's 800 F is in family L as in life, and then the word today you life's inconveniences, disappointments and trials can leave us confused and cynical and eventually bitter. How do we overcome all of that talk about that next week with Dave and and and best-selling author Paul Miller on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see you back next time for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most