Rob Singleton: Overliked: Crippled by Social Media

I found myself trying to be something else trying to be other than how God shaped me and made me and how is that any different than filtering a picture has it any different than writing a bio of yourself. That's really not you in any way shape or form is what you think people want you to be and it's what you think will get you a lot of likes and so if I could do that as a pastor if I could get caught up in that it scared me welcome to family life to day to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find his family life today.com or on our family life, family life, so I just learned something recently that I should know but I didn't know before about our brain works in these conversations. I got a few questions if you can answer that our brain actually we get a dopamine hit every time blank happens capital in the blank. Every time a husband cleans the house that you got a marriage thing to do.

Like when I get a dull waiting hip a dozen dozen because our holiday.

I'm thinking it probably has something to do with our phones or social media are something that wears I just learned you were going to talk to the author who wrote the book that I read this in but we get a dopamine hit when we get light on social media Facebook post that comes up alike. More followers, you name it anything that I didn't know. I mean, I know it feels good that I did know it actually like lights up your brain and away we got pastor Rob Singleton in the family studio with this that you never been here before.

Of Europe.

It's an awesome place. Yes, I welcome the family today man for having me good to be here through indoor land all the way from Centennial, Colorado. Actually you guys. You and Michelle live. My middle son Austin and Kendall live which you know that rights in our heavy friends.

Every time we come to Parker look forward to talk you so you better. I think that's interesting because it really shows that all of us long to be affirmed. If we can't opening pits from likes it just shows like we're kind of wired to be affirmed right I want I want to talk to Rob about that whole idea because your book. There were talk about today called over like so obviously from the title that can be a good thing and it can also be too much right over like it's not a word of the urban dictionary word were working on it. I love the subtitle finding direction, courage and meaningful relationships in a society crippled by social media. Okay, so where to start. Why did you decide to write about this concept of being over like I came up with this analogy a little while ago because something that happened us.

We bought this house and is member the syngas stucco homes by 2025 years ago there were a lot of promises that went with these style houses and a lot more true. They'll insulation is so good, though lower your heating bill. The lower your air-conditioning bill and the greatest thing since sliced bread. So people are buying these houses and roads are pretty expensive and about 34 years into it especially works really humid Florida floor had a lot of damage. The sealant was so good they put Styrofoam by the you know the word. The framing was so good that whenever it rained the moisture could get in there, but could get up as all these wonderful promises yes you did have lower heating costs and lower air conditioning, but the price to rebuild your house. Once it rotted from the inside was causing billions of dollars of lawsuit in a little bit and we were one of them. We had to literally reframe part of it. When went to sell the house and I thought Mandy had some pretty high promises lofty promises and they've done some adjustments announced good product again, but I thought social medias like that needs it came out of the gate. I member working on the gate 20 years ago you had your first MySpace until you are can't tell my leg. What are you doing where my space lease right 90s maybe yeah early at night. I did a spoof boy bands Christian spoofing on their thing about MySpace is it's out they can't get rid of it. Nobody ever funds up ointment. It was just a joke.

If you find that thing on I was pretty cheesy, but I mean even when you think of your title you know over like I mean, we all want to be liked Southern on wrong with that but where does it go through self. What I mean, that's part of the promises. The promises are you going to connect you to find more friends than you ever dreamed of the families moved away you can talk with them anytime you want.

Then there were some other promises that I don't even know why these ever sounded good. Here's one instant feedback. That's a great really think about that great exactly in the framing you get something positive, but how about instant feedback like dear loser, that was stupid. I mean, so I think a lot of pastors. I think a lot of everybody including the New York Times data story on Facebook about a year ago how much damage it was doing to young girls who were and Instagram, who were getting their self-image and when I wasn't coming back positively.

This is how serious it can get, you know, lonely, detached, even suicidal, even suicides, especially in young gals.

So to say.

The wheels are coming off of these great promises is kind of an understatement but there still good. One of the first things I say and there's that I'm I'm not anti-technology at all. I'm just pro-authenticity.

You know God was the real you to come out, not some manufactured version you put out there you know because you think is what people want what they want to see and so your is your writing. This in-service study. In this I mean we watch early in the pandemic. You can now timeline your whole life based on pre-pandemic. You know it's like I live 15 days to end the spread right and now here we are just two years later, but I think was early pandemic.

The social dilemma movie came out, did you see that yeah yeah which was sort of what you're saying.

It's like here's the good, but if you're not careful this desire to be liked and affirm which is a natural good thing can really lead you to trouble so you have to navigate that whole thing. I did a series called beyond the optics, probably nine or 10 years ago. Following this whole thing even when it was relatively new.

I conceived some of the dangers so obviously I didn't see that special until about a year ago but it was pretty affirming on me when I watch that I thought while here's a secular you know media company putting out these dangers and all. And yeah, you could see anybody was honest they could see that, yeah, the things you talk about is what is real and some of your stats. I was astounded by first 60% of the worlds population has a cell phone that's not surprising while 90% of millennial's engaged regularly in social media at the lot and then 22% say they have no friends at all if we surprised by that. That last part.

I was yeah media who would keep pushing those buttons and keep going after it. When at the end of the day there saying this hasn't delivered at all. I have no friends. And yet it control you and so much that we ever do something that promise to deliver some and when and when it doesn't you just try harder just push even more knew the way to what's the definition of its doing the same thing over and over that were doing that was social media were thing is not working for me but it works for him. Kardashian also obviously it works.

Let me just try harder and you know it's even more detrimental the harder you push and you think are thinking we will feel less lonely. But as a result, we are more lonely for teens and kids we were waiting for to deliver on a promise he can't keep and can't keep that promise. And there's some real biblical implications and I get into that tracking of the life of King Saul in the life of King David, because that's what I did in that series. Years ago the beyond the optics and optics is become a real big word is where really took off.

Maybe, eight, nine years ago.

Somebody would say something and cancel culture would start to come along in the early days in Goa payment did you really think about the optics of what you just wrote and what they're saying is, did you really think about where this is going with this could lead to, you know you being canceled before cancel. Culture was even a thing, but what they're saying is you just put out, and it could be a photo it could be a paragraph he could beat you just put something out. The optics of which could ruin you when you should be putting out something the optics of which will make people like you will get you those returns are those thumbs up or whatever the optics are powerful, but the really shallow that's what we did this 10 week series on the life of King Saul king David, which is beyond the optics. The whole idea is that King David he lived beyond the optics because he lived from the heart and King Saul lived for nothing but optics everything for King Saul was how I look how popular how the songs go on how the poems go on house the social media of thousand years ago has the feedback of not get like since this guy David came along he got way more like that he got. It's really an old story of how powerful this people pleasing thing can be.

Even when you have no social media so I'm trying to say is that introduce social media and this age-old problem and I mean a jewellike garden of Eden old is on steroids image is magnified. So much was social media. I remember preaching on that in my church years ago that whole thing.

I do know where it is. And Samuel, I think it's in Samuel where it says Saul killed thousands. The David killed tens of thousands a song that will yeah and I said that the women sing this song so I went over the piano in the middle. My sermon here is heating up flat his guitar ever. I just like what they said it was a song, so I said you know I was back in the Hebrew, and I figured out what they were saying was like Saul killed his thousands but David 10,000s all the women said David you're the man saw killed is now David and thousands of Navy that I made all the man and David. David anyway that's optics right away that I felt was in the original is true because in some ways. We value optics more than authenticity like what's real. We want to project an image.

This is who I am. This is who my family is this is what my marriage looks like even though it may not be authentic to what's really happening, but man it seems like our world values the visual this is what I hope is really called Dr. Dave, here's the crazy thing as the millennial's and Jan Z what their longing for its authenticity. Like a running for his eye clinic there longing for us to be real year-round lies at ways that chose their filters. The greatest filter many generations ever lived, and they can smell in authenticity handles what and yet and I to say. The ironic thing is that they're getting caught up in this more than anyone so they can see it, never close, but it's hard as ever, if not more so for them to see in themselves how big of a trap. This is maybe that's why they long for it so much because as consumers they are living a world that isn't real, so there longing for people to be real. So as you look to this whole phenomenon year like I can write a series as a pastor, so you doing 10 weeks on this and now writing a book. To say I want to say what about this.

Well, you know, I wrote the series when I was still a pretty large church in North Carolina is what happened after that series to me personally. That made me turn it into a book and that's because I got caught up in it myself. People came to town meeting. I remember my first started this church or a people in our in our living room and it grew it accrued a couple campuses and and thousands of people and so many people getting saved, and it was a joy, a blessing to pastor these people then couple other churches came to town, but they blow up they grew, and I think when I got caught up in is you know maybe I need to do a little bit more of what they're doing. Maybe I need to preach a little more this way. So here's what I'm doing. I found myself trying to be something else trying to be other than how God shaped me and made me and how is that any different than filtering a picture has it any different than writing a bio of yourself. That's really not you in any way shape or form.

Think people want you to be and it's what you think will get you a lot alike's, and so if I could do that as a pastor if I could get caught up in that I thought you know spending my time with the Lord in the morning just really person I could still get caught up if you scared me. That scared me because that social media was growing, you know, at such a rapid pace. This was like a said about 10 years ago. I just got put a burden on my heart to sort of write a book that's almost futuristic, but I think going through it myself and realize that absolutely anybody and everybody can get caught up in this we talked about how he saw the effects after you did this series. What what were people talking about what happened. It was a great thing because so little mini revival really mean when we did the series.

It was still fresh enough young enough but obvious enough for people to hear this and feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit in saw a lot of changes with people in the church. I think I saw a lot of changes with me and people were more interested in and really knowing God is spending time with God and spending time with one another in their small groups and authentic relationships in sub felt good piano felt like this was getting people back to authentic relationships and deeper meaning. But you know, a few years later I'm wrestling with it again. Mrs. almost like I forget where the bar forget the exact first were said that sin is crouching waiting yeah that's it. It's a cane and that hasn't changed. Sin is always crouching, always waiting you feel like you can defeat something really put it in perspective, but if you're not staying and abiding in the Lord. John 15 really staying connected connected daily. It's right there waiting, I think we can do it in our marriages and families well you know it's like drift the optics of your comparing your church or you as a pastor to another pastor down the street that seems to be having great success or grapefruit. We do the same thing. I mean we said here many times for decades in my marriage and Want me to be like the founder of family life.

Dennis Rainey I heard it everyday like he is everywhere exactly what I said it I just alluded to. Every once in a while I felt it you know. She said a few times, but there was a part of me that started the think I've got a lead and I've got a B in our family like Dennis is in his family course.

All we know about Dennis is from a distance. So it looks much more perfect in it that he would even say it was, but I felt that tension.

The optics looked like this. The reality is this. I need to be somebody I'm not did you struggle with her see nothing back before I think about the days go to the purpose driven, or aren't sure and I mean who will tell you right out of the gate. Hey, don't go back and try to do this and you're not report member what he used to say when you get to heaven because like is that what were you more like Billy Graham. What would you he'll say why what you more like yourself that really stuck with me because in saying that he say why what you more authentically you the one that I created you to be still.

I heard that, and I found myself going back trying to preach like Rick Warren. This was a real early days we really try to find out who you are anyway and I thought some of that can be an excuse and you're trying to learn but it can very quickly turn into you know you're not developing the gifts God gave you you're not going deeper into who you are because just too easy to imitate somebody else. Your listeners might hear that go well I'll keep that in mind that's that's a trap.

I know it is much more dangerous than just a casual thing you can live your life as somebody else, and what a tragedy that will be to stand before God and not be who you're supposed to be yeah I'm just thinking that social media it so easy just get lost and now you're scrolling your liking and I just was listening to Christy McClellan with Tanner here. She's a great Bible teacher.

I heard her encouraging a younger woman in discipleship saying I would challenge you to spend more time in God's word and growing spiritually than you do in social media. He said this to teenage girl, and as I listened to that I thought what would that look like for all of us.

I think how easy it is just to be done at the end of the day and you're so tired when we do will sit down and watch a show or will watch Netflix or Burger King how we did what I said better center screen you now because were tired, but I thought would be interesting if we gauge the amount of time we spent on social media. We gauge it on how much time we've Artie been the word and we wouldn't spend more time in social media than we had in the word we would be different timer on being going through that working out where I thought, why do I always get a workout in. But I always don't get my time with God in fair question. That's a good one there and they're both good. But the better would be spending time with God. So now I'm spiritually strong, but fatter that we're all going to drift away from God. If we don't spend more time we can we find out who we truly are, the more time with Rob is that how you win this battle. Is it a time thing that's David and Wilson with Rob Singleton on family life to a will hear his response in just a minute. Ever wonder about where that line is in between what's constructive criticism, and words that tear down 11 and his said that how many times have I use my words to tear Dave down and to destroy him. Thinking I was helping him and doing good when all the time I had this power of influence to be able to speak life into him while your relationship. Use a shift toward using words to respect and cherish each other will then check out our marriage studies at family life. The day.com and use the code 25 off save today and beef up your communication so your marriage becomes more life-giving to both of you again use the code 250F. Right now, back to Dave and Anne's conversation with Rob Singleton. I always land the plane on the runway of spending more time which is it doesn't matter what I'm preaching about. It's going to end up there as I go through the Gospels. I thought while we are over complicating this I mean if you really look at the 24 seven, three years Jesus spent with his disciples.

It was all about spending time with them. If you do, eventually the Lord can rub off on you.

I don't remember signing up for this, but every morning this thing pops up in your once a week. At least it pops up and says you spent out about five hours a day. You know when it we know when it comes up visit, for you it came up every Sunday morning while I'm at church on stage and looked like you need to know that I just spent 36 more minutes this week that I did last week which was seven hours. I mean it's depressing, but it is a good indicator if you want to be honest and this is about authenticity. If that pops up and says you're averaging four hours a day or something and you tell a battle of a problem like I maybe spent 30 minutes know you don't spend four hours and how many hours will how many minutes did you spend in the word. How many minutes to happen. And if they are not on the same planet. You have a problem. Hey you hello anything you are right now now will find out. I don't even know what if you notice settings on all of you.

I don't have my phone settings look down or you see screen. I don't actually screen to this, it goes first daily average. You see it where it wears a did. There's a line going across yeah like four hours now.

Good news today is ultimately 20 minutes now so high today. Hello get that down 77% from last week, but down 44%.

Get ready for this interview I met five hours and 26 minutes daily parable about the same home while I cannot put a disclaimer for my son on here. These can be laughing his head off right so one of things I'll do is listen to the Bible on audible.com. I love doing that each or sometimes I go to bed. Listen to praise music or audible.com and so micelles like how come you're just tired of my dead so we went back and track this that I didn't audible if I fall asleep that in my ear. It'll play all night, it'll so full disclaimer. I at least have that college grades so I need to probably get it authentic answer by not sleeping with that but there's anything that I've heard today. Ever live. I think where we end it is something I want to look at. I would encourage husbands and dads and moms and wives and even our kids like what is the balance in your life between opening truths. The word of God in allowing that in and allowing the other. A lot of us lies and distortions from signing that methane.

Social media is bad, began to have a balance.

Proverbs 23 seven as a man thinks, so he is so were put in our mind to think about is how you live is a as a husband, is it that his mom is a wife, so all you do is play back and say one of my meditating on its gonna determine how I live. So today could be a day to say, not time to change that you been listening to David and with Rob Singleton on family life to day. Rob's book is called over like crippled by social media. You can get a copy@familylifeina.com or by calling 800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today also. All this month when you help reach more families with God's truth by giving to family life we want to send you a copy of Jenny Allen's book called find your people are. Thanks to you when you give this month@familylifetoa.com or call 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today and tomorrow. Damon and Wilson will continue their conversation with Rob Singleton and help us to refocus our attention on what's most important.

That's tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm shall be added back next time for another edition of family life family like today is a production of family cruise ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most