Blair and Shai Linne: Finding My Father

I would say for wine is so important for you to understand who is your God, who is this father who longs to father you and spend time in the Scriptures, getting to know him you know he is the one from whom all fatherhood all the families derive their name says in Ephesians 3 and not actually that Scripture was transforming for me because I realize the weight fatherhood. It doesn't start with man actually begins with God, but he is the one who defined us good fatherhood because he's the first father welcome to family life today to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find his life today.com or on our family life, family life today so we just had a pretty interesting weekend with the silver in your dad's life yeah you right now how I do know that's where you your smile I go. We just went on vacation know we talked about that little bit have led we just had my dad's memorial on his birthday where he would've turned 93.

So when you say the word dad. We all have different feelings about that. I have different feelings about that at different stages of his life in my life because at the beginning it was hard. I would a sediment seem that there is a greatness about my dad and that he was always growing and getting better and get to be thinking that when he was 92. I was reading part of our book to him about parenting and I read the part where I first started getting to know my dad because it when I was younger.

He didn't really see me or pay attention to me and he stopped when I was reading that he said hey I want you know I'm really sorry for that.

Sorry I didn't see you site and pay attention to you.

I was wrong and it's crazy because I was growing up he never once apologize. He thought it was weak to even say those words so I mean that's that's such a great attribute of being able to keep growing and getting better as you get older. Yet today we get a chance to talk a little bit about the power of the father the mom moms have incredible power as well, but we got Sean Blair Lynn in the studio today. You've written a book called finding my father before Saul will say thanks for being a family. Today I decided to have you yelling yes it is what you know about their life today. Anything is new to you. You have a background from his family left today for years with the best show you've ever heard. It was with the rabies. Yet it was raining so now it is now publicly as well mentored us for the last three years and now he's he's pastoring in Little Rock anyway. You know what Angela said about her dad. He was my high school baseball coach so I knew him as you know, a friend of the barons and then you know it's funny he barred me from the house.

What I want to date her because they had a very bad back was it was warranted.

I should have been barred from the house, but he didn't know I just give my life to Christ.

But again he was a pretty great father like aunt said there were some obviously negatives. But as I read your book Blair about finding my father. I found my story a lot in your story. Let's talk… You know here on first do this. Tell our listeners a little bit about who you are and what you do because I bet I don't even know the half of it. Yeah so you know we live in Philadelphia Pennsylvania we been there for why we were there almost 7 years and I was raised in California, said that's probably why don't love you. So in their speeches very close to you so he's looking at you shy. I am a poet and in writing poetry since I was nine years old writing gospel centered poetry since I became a believer speaker Bible teacher. We have three beautiful children sage my and Ezra and I have a wonderful husband whose next to me. After I have a start acting when I was nine as well.

Actually, it's funny because once I became a believer, I did wrestle with acting whether or not I would continue to do it could not honor the Lord with that particular artistic expression and I wrestle and so now I've had a few opportunities to go back into it. Just as a believer and work on some projects with other believers so I'm really excited. I'm excited to explore that to me. We met in Long Beach California so we both were invited to the event and become a met in passing, and after that we kept getting invited to different events around the country to come Run into each other, speaking on panels and things like, I guess we ran into each other were was there any stocking slight stalking happen what a valid investigation to find out who's this beautiful woman that we want to, but we got to the same conference and I got to really see her do her poetry really live for the first and was blown away was blown away by the Christ of an interest in the passion for the Lord Jesus and so we have a chance to have a conversation at the conference and that's when the real stalking is funny because when I saw shy. Actually, he was teaching on Christ and just the gospel centeredness. It struck me so much.

There was a actually a guy who is pursuing me, but I just felt like my heart leapt as he was seashell like you because you know this guy was pursuing me the Lord in his sovereignty shut that door and then we were at this conference together like a month or so later and so yeah this is the Lord starstruck of me. After all email was a thank you email me do poetry thank you thank you. We now responded responded asking what's your testimony. You know, and so does the back-and-forth exchange for a few months and I really so looking forward to those emails, but many years been married 12 years that you dated long distance for a while, long because it was about a year after we started dating a lot of events in California. Some California that's on so you know what things that I didn't realize when and I got married was my relationship or sort of a broken relationship with my father.

I didn't have any understanding of the depth that I was carrying baggage of that into my new marriage them in this 41 years later there's still baggage. So let's hear your story low because I'm guessing you brought some of that both of you knowingly injure merges like we did.

Yeah so you know my story is I was raised by single mother. She raised my sister and I and moved us to Los Angeles from Michigan when I was three years old partnership.

Grand Rapids, Michigan, and we struggled you know my dad lived in Chicago so he was thousands of miles away, and so I would have a relationship with my dad if you could call it a relationship. It was really phone conversations, maybe a few times each year.

There might be some years where I didn't hear from him but it was just over the phone and I remember as I began to grow older. I just long for something more. I long to really know my dad I wanted to be known by him and nine years old or so I thought I just really want to speak and share with him like that.

His absence is impacting my life in many ways.

At that time it was only really relationally that I saw. It wasn't until I got older and realizing the weight you know the struggle with not being able to have much remove 25 times that first moved to Los Angeles until I was able to get my own apartment 25 times, you know, so shelters sleeping over at other people's homes. You know my mom just scraping to get by and she really did try to give us the best life that we could start to be acting at nine different classes and getting head shots and all of these on camera acting classes and things that we were living above our means. You know we we really couldn't afford that and then as I began to get older I realized I really am struggling with my identity don't know who I am. I didn't have my father there to speak life to me.

My dad was very kind. So when we did talk over the phone, he would say little things like stars don't need no polish.

They always shine you now, so he went in his way. Try to encourage me. He was dealing with his own issues and can you know his own things as well and nine were you angry that he wasn't there, like what were some of the emotions that you faced, even as a young girl right I would say I was angry you know it's interesting because sometimes when you don't realize what you have, even though there is a loss there. You can't really put your finger on. You know what that means for you wasn't until I was really 18. Honestly. Or I realize like weight, okay guys are expressing interest know what to look for in a guy you know I don't really know who I am struggling in all these ways, that's what I had my first conversation with him where I just laid it all out there said I've been afraid for almost 10 years to speak to you and share with you that you being absent is impacting me and I'm really hurt by it and he told me says you know I've been afraid to haven't had my dad in my life. You know, not that that's an excuse, but just like I don't really know what I'm doing myself, but it helped me to see I think is humanity and it yet when he said that to me that's that was his response. Did it soften your pain or did it. I don't know said there is a command that's a different response and I thought was coming. Or maybe you thought was coming right yeah I thought he was gonna having a conversation you know my data be almost like the superhero who would swoop in and save the day.

And you know and say all apologize maybe and try to make it right. I think him expressing his own pain in his own his own fears and burdens just cause me to say like oh he's just as broken as I is just as needy as I am.

Help me to see that the very thing that I was trying to get from him.

He really didn't have it to give.

And where is your faith at that time the time I was a professing believer's, I was regularly attending church was very active in the church. I was always kind and considered the good girl and I was acting so I was a part of a church that was more prosperity focused so it was like oh God's blessing you are you doing these TV shows that you must be a virtuous woman so I thought that yet God is blessing me and it was only maybe three years later, that actually came to Christ, someone share the gospel with me very clearly and I realize that other people are going to be the standard you know when it comes to how I am before the Lord have to look to the Scriptures and see as God see me when I began to do that, I realized my self-righteousness is not to cut it that I need a righteousness that's not my own. And that's when I put my faith in my trust in Jesus for the first time however you I was 22 and then I started to realize the weight God can be a father to me, but that came I think a little later in that I looked at God, almost through the lens I think of my pain and brokenness so you know I was like oh you got has forgiven me. He's, here's God he's holy I'm unworthy he's forgiven me of my sins. Praise be to God, but I didn't see will wait and he's a loving heavenly father who lavishes me with his care and love and you know he wants to be this father to me. It took me time to get there.

It took me really, spending time in the Scripture versus looking at it just through the lens of my own dad doesn't seem to really want to have this relationship with me. How could God want this relationship was a hard transition. This could be for you shows well because you know, I know that we often in your talk about right now. We project onto our heavenly father.

What we believe about our earthly father. When I know are doing it, but mine was always because he was never there. I struggle with God's presence.

People say God is with you and Mike would set me and I don't I don't believe you read it I see it, it's true scripturally, but I don't I don't sense it. So that was my so I had to get over know the your heavenly father really is literally right here.

Was there anything you struggled with in terms of that, not necessarily his presence now. I think because of my background actually was quite emotionally based, so wasn't the motion. It was the love was God has pursued you he loves you with an everlasting love. It's not based upon anything that you've done you know you like, you know. And if you said he's not snatched away because I think often times as a child, even when it comes to our earthly father. We center ourselves around like the reason my dad is not here, it must be something wrong with me. I must've done something to disappoint him and maybe if I fix myself I get myself together then he'll stay and so you know we can condescend us into this perfectionism and wanting to please and so it was the same way with God.

I wanted to please them, which we should want to please God, but in that works based way. You now have to perform for his love yeah yeah exactly shy. What about you, it's the story of your dad yes grew up also in a single-parent home.

My mom raised myself and my older sister and my dad was around periodically so it was pretty sporadic throughout my youth. Over time it became a kind of thing where I would have to pursue him if we would want to interact and as I got older I began to resent that.

And to resent by the time I was later in Martin, 17, 18. I was angry was furious at my father for not being there and and and I think the older I got, the more I recognize the different deficits in the things that I would have liked to have known but didn't because I would dad there to teach me those things and so I have a lot of bitterness and rage towards my and I was also converted as as an early adult mom so 24 years old brand-new Christian the world.

Just seeing everything through new eyes and I realized very early on that I needed to forgive my dad and so at that point we had spoken for.

For at least a decade and so I reached out to him one day as a new believer, so can we talk and as I went to his house and I think that I had built up in my mind like it was just going to be this kind of climactic moment. We want to embrace you asked for forgiveness. I will share the gospel use like it's a soundtrack behind it. Chariots of fire, but when I met up with. He was very matter-of-fact about it and said you know why I want you around me said you know what that wasn't there when I was growing up, and so come to the same thing basically I get over you had you walk away from that feeling very disappointed you disappointed in after that I didn't talk to him again for another seven years after that.

Yeah. And so it was just a process of just struggling tribes or from the forgiven him more angry with him after that or not. Once I was more angry with just more more deflated. Maybe seven years later I was at a coffee shop and there's a guy in front of me and he turns around as my dad always had no idea. So he looks at me and seven years later later me and he looks at me says I can look in the mirror right now as we look so much lower than adult, you know, while in so that was kind of a chance meeting we met then and then next time I saw him was that my grandmother's funeral. His mom died and so we we've never been able to connect relationally, even up to this day it's been very difficult. Is there a deficit you feel still or is it something that God sealed or is healing. I definitely still feel it really so here I am in my 40s I met that there is an example of an internship at a church in Washington DC. I was a pastoral internship and I was with the other interns and we were doing one of the sessions was on budgeting your finances and as the instructors come of going through different things. These are things I'm hearing for the first time in my 30s as being blown away like this is amazing return to one of one of my fellow interns like you getting this right and he's like my dad taught me this when I was a good you know so you even going as a marriage. There was a lot of trepidation, this feeling like man my ready for this summer's lack of throughout the years. God is been really gracious and in providing members from our church a local church to help fill in those gaps. And so what are things that we did when we were dating was we went on basically like a tour like a couples tour will go to different couples houses and find out okay just talk to us tell us everything we would've you been doing what you and in the church we were at was really it was great. It was so many godly couples that we could but we could glean from that was that was really helpful for you. I think sometimes even when we think about our spiritual adoption we think about God becoming our father but we forget that we have a family and the church as well that this is what we've been given as as believers and it is been a huge blessing you have so many people that we can pull on based on both of your experiences what you say to a person possibly listening right now. I'm sure a lot that grew up without a dad. Maybe they're younger maybe they're adults now, but they had this same experience that you had I had and maybe they're struggling with that deficit. What he said you're listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Blair and shy Lynn on family life today. Stick around for Blair's answer. You want to hear it. But first, our mission at family life is to pursue the relationships that matter most.

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Right now, back to Blair Lynn and what we all need to remember about God, especially those without good earthly father. I would say I think that the Lord does heal us of course were being sanctified. It's a process.

I would say for wine is so important for you to understand who is your God, who is this father who longs to father you and spend time in the Scriptures, getting to know him you know he is the one from whom all fatherhood all the families derived their name. It says in Ephesians 3 and not actually that Scripture was transforming for me because I realize the weight fatherhood. It doesn't start with man actually begins with God the one who defined us good fatherhood because he's the first father and so I think spending more time and say okay when he says never leave you nor forsake you when he says his promises to you. This is different. It's not the same as the broken promises. You may have received from your earthly father. So I think starting there is important I think also seeing Lord willing, that the church would be a refuge to the fatherless. I see so many scriptures where God tells us to have a heart for the fatherless. Sometimes we think of the fatherless as the orphan, but it's like the person who doesn't have their father there. Many even single parents. You know or are children who are being raised by single parents were right in your pew and maybe you have had a wonderful father whose talk to you about many different things you can pour into that person who's right there in your pew or if you are the fatherless child seek out those who you know godly man who around you or those you see being fathered like we did it like were doing.

You know to say we don't have this all figured out, you know, it's not like okay you know it is not the prosperity gospel in the sense of like once you come to Christ your whole life is going to be no event of whom you know everything's gonna be great. It's like no we're working were growing in our sanctification were becoming more like our father as days go on and then also knowing like forgiveness, it's a process. It takes time.

Sometimes we have to forgive over and over again, especially if our parents are still near to us. Those wounds can be opened again and again and so sometimes even when we think about forgiveness. We think it's this one and done and now you know you need to forgive again.

At times I think those are a few things that I think of that might be helpful to think on your mind shy because I know that I was in my 30s before I forgave my dad I think I was in my late 20s when I started the healing process. A lot of it was because I remember him. Our kids were playing on the floor.

Dave looked at them and he said how could my dad leave me that agent. So I think in this process, but I think a lot of listeners have never started that journey you both not only started but as I'm sitting here and think, wow, you've been through almost complete healing that is never complete but really Osama again think that listeners like I'm not there yet. I began yeah what he thinks. I think recognizing the deficit that is there think we can do is try to paper over it like it's not very try to deny what is just to be very honest with ourselves and so you know what it's there and it exists and and I need to look to the Lord to to begin to heal those those wounds and our God is a healer. He knew exactly what he was doing when he placed us in the different family situations that we ended up in and in God in his mercy and his kindness desires to be the father is far beyond any earthly father that we could ever imagine. So ultimately we have to acknowledge the deficit look to him and prayers want to be a very big part of this being very honest before God and cried out, and ultimately the healing comes through Christ, and I think that's a beautiful just to think we can be honest with God.

He knows already. Right we don't have to put on airs. We don't have to pretend we can be honest and we can share.

This is how I'm hurting, here's where my pain is this is overwhelming in our I don't know what to do or angry.

Angry, absolutely, I can't forgive right now and I think in our honesty. That's where when we confess that to the Lord.

We find true healing and help freedom and freedom absolutely, and it takes away the shame. They can be shame related to not having your dad now and crisis you taken that way like this doesn't have to re-preside here anymore because I'm here you been listening to David and Wilson with Blair and shy Lynn on family life to day there book is called finding my father how the gospel heals the pain of fatherlessness you can get a copy@familylifetoday.com you ever wonder where that line is between what's constructive criticism. And what's actually tearing someone down and Wilson's words feel so relatable to me. She says how many times have I use my words to tear Dave down and to destroy him. Thinking I was helping him and doing good when all the time I had this power to influence to be able to speak life into him while your relationship.

Use a shift towards using words to respect and cherish each other, will check out our marriage studies@familylifethata.com and use the code 25 off. That's 250 FF to save today and beef up your communication so your marriage becomes more life-giving to both of you coming up tomorrow.

The weight of Blair Lynn's poor upbringing with her father and family life shaped a lot about her future which had her asking the question, how can you make a conscious effort to leave a positive legacy within your own family.

She can answer that question tomorrow.

We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Wilson.

I'm shall be avid. See back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life that is a production of family life approved ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most